Emotional Friday

dear diary, I received two emails from little sister and she sounded her usual self. pampered and adorable as always. sometime I wonder how is she like in person. I wonder how would it be if I were to meet her. I wonder how is it like to hold her hands. she has been nice and knowing her has been the greatest thing in my life. she came at the time I was down and I can see that she is trying to be there for me. I am not a petty person diary. I usually keep stuffs to myself. I hardly share it with people. it is hard to open up when you live in a closet. the only way I release all the emotions in me is to write or maybe soon, play the piano. little sister has been the avenue where I can share my little secrets.

I am beginning to open up to her slowly. I have told her about my most wanted things to do list. I have told her about myself little by little. I told her about how I got sidetracked in school and how I have become a late bloomer. it is good to have someone whom you can share all your life experiences, thoughts, ideas, predicaments, secrets and your wish and hope. it gives you this strength inside you that has been sleeping waiting for something or someone to trigger it. I wish that she is here to stay for good and not to disappear like how some people do. people always come and go but the good ones will always stay. it's always like that isn't it? we meet new people and make new friends. but we fail to see that those people are not our friends, they are merely acquaintances you bump into in your life journey. we study and observe them. we stay with them if we feel comfortable otherwise we just pack our bags and leave. those who stay are your friends and they will be the one who cry, laugh and fight with you. they will be the one whom you will love to hate and hate to love. they will be the one who left footprints in your heart. I believe little sister will eventually leave footprints in my heart.

aramis is still giving me the silent treatment for reasons I do not know. there is nothing much that I can do except to pray for her. it is enough to know that she is healthy, happy and safe from harm. I feel it in my heart that I am missing her so much and only god knows if it is worthwhile.

russia is probably mad at me. we had a little misunderstanding about an issue. it was a small matter. I really don't know how I feel towards her. it's hard to say but undoubtedly, she has left an impact in my life. in fact, she has been the source of strength and motivations for me. I feel very motivated whenever I am with her, probably because she likes to push my button and I always have this desire to prove her what I am made of. I always take her as that someone whom I want to prove that I will be from nobody to somebody someday...

I am still waiting for my keyboard to arrive. I feel like it is taking forever to be delivered to my home. I can't wait to get my hands work at it. there are so many songs I want to play. my fingers are getting impatient and my heart is burning with desire to feel the rhythm and tempo of hitting the keys like a hammer hitting a nail.

diary, I try not to talk about my brother but I can't. I just want to tell you that I have been missing him a lot that it is beyond description. if only I were given a miracle, I would bring him to life. I try to be happy, I try to carry on with my life but knowing that he is not here to witness my progress is so heartbreaking. I miss the tease and the jokes that I shared with him. I miss every moment I spent with him. worse of all, I am afraid that there is no one else to protect or save me from harm. he was always there for me. even though at times, it was beyond his capacity to help me, he tried and I knew that he was sincere. if only I were kinder to him, if only I had appreciated him more when he was alive. I am living with regrets now and if only I could turn back the time....if only I could...