loving aramis till eternity

Dear diary,

love is hard to understand. It makes you feel restless and gives you many sleepless nights. I never tried to understand love because I know of its complexity and the level of magnitude it can gives to those suffering from it. I never hated love neither do I adore love but I do feel happy when I feel love is in the air. I can even feel it in my toe and it makes my heart jumps with excitement. I can never describe that excitement but I know it is a good kind of excitement.

Aramis and I have been talking more often now, it is either she texts me first or I do. It makes me scared actually, I am not afraid of falling in love with her all over again, but I am afraid of the risks involve. Many things are uncertain and the roads seem to be cloudy at the front. I have taken too many risks with her and I cannot do it anymore. I am not tensed or pressurised by her but I love her so much that I am afraid these good times will end soon if I get serious with her. I am serious when I said I love her but I do not want to pursue it further, not for now at least. Both of us have still got a long way to go and many things can happen along the way. I knew I love her but sadly I cannot commit myself to a relationship anymore, not until I am certain and when we are not separated by distance anymore.

My feelings for her are undeniable and she exists in my soul, my heart and the air that I breathe. She asked me what my hopes are for my future, I didn't answer her truthfully. I hid the real truth from her because I am afraid. I am afraid that if I said things too easily and soon, I will not be able to feel the way I feel with her anymore. I want her to stay with me; I want her to keep making me crave for any text message from her. I want her to be mine even if it is not official. It is enough to know that she thinks about me and misses me. If I can open up my heart and show it to her, she will know how much of my heart has belonged to her. If I can just shout it out to the whole world how much she means to me, I would. I miss her every second of my life. Whenever I am down or happy, she?s always the one whom I think about.

I wonder why I feel this way about her. Perhaps it's because of the distance, perhaps it's because our souls fell in love first before our heart. No pictures were exchanged, no voice heard, no cheeks to kiss, no handshakes but we still managed to keep it going. I was contemplating whether or not to tell her the truth, I didn't. You know, diary, I don't know what I want anymore. I am living life day by day making full use of it and at the same time, thinking of aramis. I cannot take her out of my mind. She?s always there hanging around waiting to be noticed and when I finally noticed her, she refuses to leave. Nothing can take her away from me. I feel that it has been written in my book of fate that she stays in my life for eternity. my wish, my hope and my dream is to have a family of my own with aramis in it, I want to grow old with her, I want to take care of her and I want to give her all the love and attention she needs, I want to protect her from harm, I want to provide her with life's necessities, I want to make her laugh and smile and I want to be the one she loves.

when generosity comes with a price

dear diary,

i am appalled at how stingy some people can be. if i had to take lunch, i would always go to the foodcourt i often frequent. mee soto is what i have always ordered and i have begun to recognise the staffs working there. i do not have any problem with them but i do feel uneasy if one particular staff who served my order. this particular staff i assumed is about early 40's and i do not like her at all. i have noticed that she is stingy with the serving of the food and not very generous. i wonder if they do have any standard operating procedure or certain guidelines to follow in serving the food. mee soto is always served till the soup level reaches about 2cm below the rim of the bowl but only with her it is served till the soup level reaches 5cm below the rim of the bowl. i was not happy when i was served like that and certainly i was not please at all. i let it go when i experienced it for the first time.

two weeks later, i ordered the same food and again i was unlucky to be served by that stingy stupid staff. the difference in portion was so obvious that i began to feel disgusted by her. now, i could have eaten somewhere else but it is inconvenient for me to do so, thus i stick to my routine. two days ago, i ordered the same thing and there she was serving me. i had hope earlier that she won't be serving me but there was no other customers at that time and having someone else instead of her to serve me was a hope which is too far reaching. i surrender to my fate and i knew she was going to serve me a bowl of mee soto 5cm below the rim of the bowl, so i asked for extra noodles which cost 50 cents more. when i remembered that she was not generous in everything else, i had asked for extra soup as well to play safe not even thinking that it would cost me. the minute when i asked for more soup, she gave me an unpleasant look and told me that it will cost me 4 dollars in all.

i kept my cool and didn't even look at her. when i went to the cashier to pay for my food, i spoke to the cashier whom i believed is the owner of the stall about what i think. she seemed embarrassed and apologetic and i told her that if a request for extra soup which consist of water and spices could cost me another 50 cents, they might as well charge me for the chilli. what bothers me most was the fact that, she was so ungenerous that it is becoming unbelievable. it seems ridiculous to the extent that it has becoming illogical. i am sure, nobody would have thought that by merely asking for an extra soup would cost us even a penny let alone 50 cents. take all the other foods in the world which are served with gravy on the side or soup. i have eaten indian prata or canai and everytime i asked for extra gravy, i cannot recall being charged extra. i have eaten mee siam and mee rebus many a times and i couldn't recall being charged extra when asked for extra soup or gravy. so where the hell is the common sense here?

i have eaten mee soto from that stall many times and i have asked for extra bean sprout but i was never charged, this was of course when i was served by different staff. therefore, i am really wondering why was i charged for the extra soup and not the extra bean sprout? did i make a mistake in my request? i asked for 'extra soup' when i wanted more soup and i asked for 'more bean sprouts' when i wanted more bean sprouts. do i have to say 'extra' in order to be charged more than usual or not? i am very unhappy with the way i was served and i wish to bring this matter to the right authority. i want them to know that i am disgust by their double standard pricing policy. it makes me sick so much that i have vowed not to have my lunch there anymore. it is not about the money as well but it's the attitude that i am disgusted with. 50 cents is just money less than a dollar but it's how i was being priced that sickened me and i cannot and will not tolerate such behaviour.

i was online last week and i saw one nick which all seem too familiar to me. i have stayed away from the nick and the person behind the nick and i do not wish to have anything to do with it anymore. i knew she has been bad mouthing me but i couldn't be bothered to care. silence is my preffered choice of retaliation. i only give my attention to people i deem worthy of my attentions and care.

little sister emailed me last two nights and she told me some stuffs that made me very dissapointed with her. i am actually more angry than dissapointed. i replied her back and i hope she gets what i mean. i hope she will not go astray and does not get easily influence with unhealthy activities. i feel happy nowadays that we are keeping in touch. at least i have someone to share my stories with. are you bored of me diary? i hope you are not cos i have plenty of stories to share with you. oh do you know that we are getting a car? my brother has passed his driving test and my dad wants to buy car for him. it is a time that we have been waiting for a long long time. i am happy with the news but i am also sad.

it's a waste that my late brother does not have the chance to celebrate with us. i feel so sad for him and i hope we will be able to experience this joy together as one whole family. i miss him so much and only god can tell how much i am missing him. he was such a good man, never had any grudges against anybody unless he was so hurt and couldn't stomach the pain caused by someone. i often think of him nowadays, i guess i cannot stop thinking about him and to stop thinking about him is only achievable when i am dead. i wish i could have taken care of him longer and better. i wish i could have talked to him often so that i know how did he feel when he was dying. he couldn't talk anymore but he could if he tried and if only i had talk to him and had more empathy towards him. god, i miss him so much and i feel bad and guilty that i did not treat him good when he was alive. i feel so lousy now and there is nothing i do that can make me feel better. i have made a promise to myself, i will not stop praying for him and i will do whatever i can to do charity and good deeds in his name.

letter to my brother

dear diary,

my fever has subsided a little and i am still taking my medicines to keep it under control. i am suspecting the weather that causes the fever besides my lack of sleep. i have good news to share with my brother. allow me to write him a letter ok diary? i still want to share this news with him even when he is gone.

assalamualaikum bakim,

kau sihat ke? dah dekat 8 bulan aku tak jumpa kau. aku rindu dengan kau bakim. semua orang rindu ngan kau. aku demam ni, dah 2 hari. belum pergi doctor tapi aku makan panadol. aku rasa cuaca yang buat aku demam. lagipun hari tu aku main roller blade dua malam turut turut jadi aku tak cukup tidur sebab aku habis main pukul 4 pagi. penat lah aku, lepas tu hari panas sekali. dah dua minggu turut turut kat sini ada bush fire. hutan terbakar sebab panas sangat. hujan kurang sekarang tiap tiap hari panas. demam aku ni masih boleh dikawal lagi. belum teruk sangat sebab aku rasa aku nak demam terus aku makan ubat. aku nak cakap ngan kau, hari tu aku tak ingat kalau aku ada cakap kat kau balim tengah belajar kereta, sekarang ni dia dah pass dan dah ada lesen keter. mak ngan ayah suka sekali lagi lagi ayah. mak sembahyang sujud syukur balim pun sama jugak. kau sendiri tahu kan dah berapa lama mak ngan ayah tunggu masa ni. keluarga kita aje yang tak ada lesen keter, keluarga adik beradik mak ngan ayah yang lain semuanya ada. boleh dikatakan yang pencapaian balim amat membanggakan keluarga kita. dah lama kita berkeluarga tak ada lesen keter walaupun mampu nak beli keter tapi lesen tak ada.

kau sendiri dulu selalu kena pressure amik lesen tapi tak sempat kau nak amik kau dah pergi. tak apa bakim, sekarang ni balim dah ada lesen, aku pulak tengah dalam process belajar keter. aku dah pass aku punya basic theory test, sekarang ni aku amik final theory pulak. kalau aku dah pass, bolehlah aku amik practical lessons. test date aku untuk final 8 march ni jadi aku sekarang tengah sibuk ulang alik driving school untuk theory practice dia. insyaAllah kalau tak ada apa aral, hujung tahun ni aku adalah lesen. kau kan tahu waiting period kat sini macam mana. paling cepat boleh ada lesen pun dalam setahun. aku start belajar january tahun ni jadi estimation time memanglah december atau early 2006. aku tengah kumpul duit ni nak sambung belajar lagi. aku belajar tersangkut hari tu lepas kau meninggal. aku sedih sangat kau dah tak ada. tak tahulah bakim, aku rasa kehilangan sekali. aku tak tahu nak marah dengan siapa. aku redha kau meninggal tapi aku kesal lah.

banyak yang aku kesal bila teringatkan balik. aku rasa penyesalan aku ni aku akan bawak sampai mati. aku tak sempat nak jaga kau, aku tak sempat nak berbual dengan kau. aku belum puas bermanja dengan kau bakim. kadang kadang tu bila aku nak bergurau, aku teringatkan kau hati aku suka tapi bila aku sedar kau dah tak ada, aku sedih. dulu kita selalu bergurau, kau selalu tengok tv malam malam buta dekat hall, lepas tu kalau aku nak pergi toilet aku selalu kacau kau. kau ingat tak? sekarang ni kalau aku pergi toilet malam malam, aku selalu tengok kerusi yang kau selalu duduk tu. the spot where you always sat seemed so empty beyond its existing emptiness. kalau aku boleh ceritakan kau apa aku rasa, kalau aku boleh belah dada aku tunjukkan kau keadaan hati aku sekarang, baru lah kau faham apa perasaan aku. sebak yang tak tertanggung, sedih yang tak tertahan dan kesal yang tak berakhir.

bakim, kita nak beli keter nanti tau. balim lah yang drive sebab dia sorang aje yang ada lesen. belum tahu nak beli keter apa sebab belum pergi tengok lagi. ayah mati mati nak beli hyundai matrix, dia suka sangat dengan keter tu. aku pun tak tahu kenapa. cik amin kan drive keter tu agaknya dia dah rasa naik keter tu sebab tu lah dia suka. aku tak masuk share nak beli keter sebab aku pun sekarang tengah kumpul duit. ayah kata dia nak deposit 10 ribu, lepas tu ikat 7 tahun. kau tahulah keter kat sini COE cuma 10 tahun aje lepas tu kena jual, aku selalu fikir yang ada keter kat sini buang buang duit. public transport senang lagipun bukannya perlu sangat keluarga kita nak kena ada keter lainlah kalau kat malaysia tu. itulah sebab aku tengah kumpul duit ni. eh kau tahu tak bakim, aku suka lah dengan vintage cars. ari tu aku ada tengok kat johor, keter mini dia nak jual 7 ribu aje.

murah seh tapi mestilah aku kena tengok dulu keadaan keter dia sama engine dia. kawan aku kata lebih baik beli keter baru aje kalau nak drive kat KL sebab dia kata road condition kat KL lain. selalu jam jadi takut keter aku rosak kat tetengah jalan nanti. yelah memang itu pun aku fikir jugak tapi pada pandangan aku, kalau keter tu vintage tapi kalau aku tukar atau overhaul engine dia kasi bagus sama condition dia tip top tak risau sangat kan nanti? dia memati suruh aku beli keter baru, aku ni kalau ada duit memang lah aku beli keter baru tapi aku kena fikir jugak duit makan, minum, rumah aku nanti bila dah ada kat KL. kau tahu tak keter kancil baru harga dia baru aje RM28000 untuk 850cc. kalau aku kira kira memang aku boleh beli bayar habis jadi tak ada installment tapi kalau aku bayar habis, aku dah tak ada cash nanti. entahlah bakim, aku ni tengah fikir bebetul nak buat camna nanti. kalau boleh aku tak nak ada installment itulah sebab aku nak beli vintage jadi aku tak yah risau bulan bulan nak bayar duit keter.

tapi kalau beli vintage pulak kalau condition tak bagus dan tak maintain, aku takut selalu rosak pulak. tapi kalau aku beli kancil baru, aku taruk lah dalam RM15000 atau RM20000 deposit, aku tak kena bayar banyak untuk installment kan? tapi kalau aku bayar deposit banyak itu bermakna cash in hand aku akan kurang. tapi sebenarnya aku tak lah risau sangat sebab sekarang ni foreign students kat malaysia dah boleh kerje sambil belajar. tapi part time ajelah bukan full time. itu pun dah cukup bagus lah tu. yang aku risau ni, aku nak bayar duit insurance aku berbulan nanti bila aku dah start belajar balik. kalau boleh insurance aku tak nak surrender, sayang lah nak surrender, insurance tu aku beli semuanya untuk masa tua aku nanti. aku kira kira kan bakim, cukuplah jugak untuk masa tua aku nanti. insurance aku ada 3 semuanya mature bila aku 47 tahun nanti lepas tu duit CPF kan ada jugak, boleh lah makan sikit sikit nanti. aku nak amik anak angkat nanti bila aku dah stable.

tengok 2 ke 3 ke tapi aku nak mesti ada 2 perempuan. aku dah sediakan nama untuk diorang. aku nak didik diorang dan aku nak asuh diorang. kau tau tak ayat sampai sekarang pun senyap aje. tak ada berita langsung dia. dia terus senyap sampai sekarang. aku malas nak cerita kau pun tahu kenapa. aku dah susah nak anggap yang aku ada adik lagi. aku dah terkilan dan aku pun dah tawar hati. mungkin esok hari dia akan berubah tapi aku susah nak terima dia lagi. kau sendiri tahu memang dia tak dibesarkan sama sama kita jadi kemesraan kita ni lainlah. lagi lagi bila dia dah buat macam ni makinlah aku dah hilang kepercayaan. soal harta dan wang tu bukan isu utama di sini tapi soal kepercayaan dan sifat tanggungjawab yang ada pada diri dia. aku benci dengan sikap dia yang pentingkan diri sendiri. aku jijik sekali dengan perangai buruk dia. sudahlah pedulikan dia, buang current aje cakap pasal dia.

bakim, apis ngan shaf nak nikah bulan 11 ni. apis datang rumah hari tu mintak ayah lamarkan shaf. dia hantar cincin dan tetapkan hasrat. cik melah datang rumah berbual panjang masa hari raya tu. secara tak langsung kita berbual pasal arwah cik amir sama kau. cik melah nangis bila cakap pasal kau. aku tahan air mata aku dari mengalir. ramai orang yang sayangkan kau bakim. hati kau baik dan kau suka tolong orang. kau memang mulia di mata diorang. kau pergi umur kau muda, badan sihat tegap macam tu semua tak sangka kau boleh sakit sampai meninggal. dalam adik beradik kau memang special. walaupun kau banyak kelemahan dari segi pencapaian tapi ramai orang yang sayang dengan kau. itulah kelebihan kau yang tuhan berikan, dan memang terbukti Tuhan memang lebih sayangkan kau dari kita sebab itu kau diambilnya dahulu. bakim, kalau dengan kuasa Tuhan apa yang aku tulis ini boleh sampai pada kau, aku nak mintak maaf dari hujung rambut sampai hujung kaki. semua yang aku cakap pada kau, semua yang aku buat pada kau, kalau ada yang menyakitkan hati kau, kau maafkan lah aku bakim.

aku menyesal sekali kalau aku sakitkan hati kau atau buat kau sedih. kau abang yang penyayang dan pengasih. kau senang maafkan orang dan kau tak pernah berdengki. aku maafkan segala dosa dosa kau terhadap aku dan aku pun halalkan makan dan minum kau. kita adik beradik bakim, dicincang macam mana pun, silaturahim kita tak akan putus. aku tahu macam tu lah jugak kita dengan ayat tapi aku susah nak sayang dia macam mana aku sayangkan kau sama balim. lain perasaannya sebab dia tak besar dengan kita, dia tak susah sama kita dan dia tak senang sama kita. kau sendiri tahu macam mana kita dibeza bezakan dengan dia dulu. kau sendiri tahu macam mana kita dihina dicaci dan disetan setankan dulu. aku benci dengan diorang tu semua. sebab diorang lah ayat tak duduk sama kita dan mungkin sebab dioranglah ayat jadi macam tu. aku geram bakim, geram aku dengan diorang ni tak berkesudahan. he was not given away but he was taken away from us!!

ayah diam aje sebab itu keluarga dia dan mak pun tak boleh buat apa apa sebab ayah bukannya akan peduli dah keluarga dia yang buat. cubalah kalau keluarga mak yang buat cam tu, ayah mesti sanggup bergadai nyawa. kau sendiri tahu sikap ayah macam mana. aku geram kalau teringatkan balik. aku ada 4 adik beradik tapi sekarang setahu aku, aku cuma ada satu aje yang masih hidup. bila agaknya kita boleh jumpa bakim? bila agaknya kita satu family akan bersama lagi? bila dunia dah kiamat, kita dah kena seksa, lepas tu kita dah habis kena seksa baru kita boleh jumpa ke? aku tak tahu lah bakim tapi nanti aku tanya orang yang pandai pasal agama ni ok. itulah kehendak ayah, mak, balim dan aku. aku ni tertinggal jugak sembahyang tapi aku tak nak tinggalkan sampai berhari hari. aku takut aku buat lagi perangai lama. orang kata old habits die hard.

tak apa bakim, aku selalu doakan untuk kau lepas sembahyang. selagi aku bernafas dan bernyawa aku akan hadiahkan alfateha pada kau ok. kau jangan bimbang jangan takut. duit duit kau kita sedekahkan pada mesjid dan orphanage jadi pahala dia berpanjangan. kalau aku dah tak ada pun, insyaAllah pahala kau masih ada. aku pun nak amalkan sedekah pada mesjid, semoga amal aku berkekalan. umur dah makin lanjut, sekarang ni semua fikir untuk masa tua aje. bila aku dah ada anak angkat nanti, aku nak amik anak yatim piatu, aku dengar syarahan hari tu uztas tu kata rumah yang ada anak yatim piatu adalah rumah yang mulia. bakim, aku ni lain dari orang normal. jadi kalau boleh aku nak buat sebanyak mana amal dan ibadat untuk bekal aku ke akhirat nanti. aku susah nak tinggalkan benda tu. aku malu dengan diri aku sendiri.

piza telepon aku hari tu, panjang kita berbual. dia cerita yang shaf cakap ngan dia apis nangis bila dia dapat tahu kau ninggal. masa tu shaf ada kat australia, apis telepon shaf dia nangis kat telepon teresak esak sampai shaf sendiri pun tak tahu nak cakap apa. apis cakap, 'i have lost someone who has been so good to me, losing my father is sad enough but now i have lost my cousin who is also my best friend.' aku tahan air mata aku bila piza citerkan aku. sebaklah bakim. tak leh teringat sikit nanti mesti aku nangis. dia punya sedih tu masih baru.

aku rasa pada hari apis nikah nanti, mesti dia akan sedih dan kalau dia tak dapat kawal perasaan dia, mesti dia nangis. bapak dia dah tak ada, lepas tu kau pulak tak ada. shaf cakap lagi, lepas dia balik dari australia, apis nangis tersedu sedu depan shaf sampai 1 jam dia nangis. shaf kata dia tak pernah nampak orang lelaki nangis macam tu sekali. yelah apis ngan kau kan baik. memang dari kecik korang dua baik sampai ke besar walaupun korang ada jugak selisih paham. oklah bakim, aku tak boleh tulis lagi. aku ada kerje nak buat, nanti aku tulis lagi bila aku free ok. aku harap kau akan tenang sentiasa di sana. aku pasti satu hari nanti kita akan jumpa lagi.

weak when down with fever

dear diary, i am down with fever and i feel so weak and helpless. my eyeballs are so warm and my body is hot. i can't write much. got to go..take care.

skating with a vengence

dear diary,

i woke up today with muscle ache all over my body especially my arms. i skated for two nights in a row and each skating session lasted for 2 hours. i think i did about 10 km altogether. it has been quite awhile since i skated and last weekened i skated with a vengence. it was fun as usual and full of excitement. i carried weights at home after i got back and i am sure the muscle ache came from there. i was supposed to carry the weights daily to tone my arms but i was just lazy and lack of self discipline to do so. i may have to try to do it daily from today onwards.

taj mahal and i have been exchanging news so often that i am hearing less from corn pie nowadays. i haven't sms her or called her yet and neither does she. i guess both of us know that it is time to hit the reality, we are not together so stop behaving like one. i got turned off by her before my departure to KL and she knew i was pissed. from then onwards, i was neither friendly nor cold towards her. i kept things very simple and moderate between us. i assumed she notices it and she gets the message. diary, i feel bad towards her but i want you to know that i am doing this not because i have taj mahal now.

i am doing this because first of all, i don't want her to get the wrong message. i am not thinking of going steady with her in the future and i bet she does not too so i want us to stop behaving like as though we are both in love with each other. it can mislead us and i don't wish for us to be confuse over our friendship. furthermore, i have more financial commitments nowadays since i have started my driving lessons. i cannot waste unnecessary expenditure and i have to stick to my budget for leisure. long distance relationship can be costly with the phone bills if one does not watch his usage. i have been there and done that many times. i swear that i will never allow myself to be a victim of phone bills again. it's wasteful and sickening.

little sister is quiet again and it's probably because she needs some rest. she had told me in her email that she needs sometime to be alone so she won't be able to reply my email. i miss her company, i miss reading her emails and i miss talking to her. i have so many things to tell her but i don't know how and where to start. she's been gone too long and story after story pile up waiting to be told. they got too many till i have lost count.

i have not heard from russia as well. i think she kind of got the idea that i am seeing someone new now. i might have let the cat out of the bag unintentionally. anyway, it's not like i am attached, i am merely seeing someone new and it is unlikely that we are going to be attached soon. i called russia and told her i was coming and asked if we could meet up. she said ok and i told her i will call her to finalise the meeting. i didn't finalise the meeting and it was cancelled. i didn't call her neither did she. i think she had either forgotten about it or she had decided that it was my responsibility to call her since i was the one who proposed the idea of meeting up. i really don't know what's our status now.

she knew that i was going to genting and she asked if she could come along. i declined her nicely and i think she was slightly offended. i told her that i will not get comfortable if she was around with me in genting with my friends. that is the truth and i was not lying. my friends are all straight and what would they think if they noticed something about us. i am not going to take the risk. russia should have known that i am very particular about who i bring home to meet my parents and friends. i never want to create suspicions among them towards me especially my sexual preference. i have strong feeling that russia is somehow dissapointed with me but honestly what can i say and what can i do?

if she is feeling dissapointed with me now, i have been dissapointed with her since the day she told me she will be 'naughty' for as long as she could until the day i move there with her for good. now tell me diary, if you were in my position, how would you feel when your girlfriend spoke to you like that? where is the love? i asked for a break up immediately after i heard that. there were many reasons for the break up, i was not ready for the relationship anyway. it's too time demanding and it was affecting me financially as well. when russia said that to me, i have to admit that i took the opportunity to break up. it wasn't really entirely her fault for the break up. i was just uncomfortable with her outlook. i wish she would have appeared more feminine. there is only one thing i wish for out of this, i wish russia and i will remain close as friends no matter what. i see her as someone who can be trustworthy as a friend and i hope she will be able to accept me as her friend no matter come what may.

i went for my final theory practice yesterday and 70 percent of the questions seemed very foreign to me. it was funny doing the practice when i didn't have any knowledge about how the questions were going to be like. i left out most of the questions and let the computer explained to me on the answers. i grasped some informations quickly but i still think that i need more final theory practice to get better acquainted with the questions. it is advisable that one go for the final theory lessons simultaneously with the practical lessons because most questions asked in final theory is relevant with the driving techniques and mechanism of a car.

i was lost most of the times when reading the questions and i smiled quietly showing sign how amused i was with myself. my test is on the 8th of march and i hope i will pass sitting for it the first time. i have yet to apply for my PDL and look for a driving instructor. i saw quite many private instructor on sunday and i got down one of their numbers. i'll call them probably next month and discuss further with them. i really hope to get my license soon. for students who sit for the practical test for the first time, the waiting period is usually 6 months, i hope i will pass the test on my first try so that i don't have to spend a lot of time waiting for another retest. my dad was excited last night and he couldn't stop talking about cars. i saw the excitement in his eyes and i knew i have to get my license soon.

i don't want to dissapoint my parents cos i knew they have been hoping for this for a long time. it's about high time that they deserved to ride in their own car. having a driving license may not seem such a big deal to some family but it is to my family. all these while, none of us have license to drive and we are very dependent on public transport. at least one person in every family of my dad's and mum's siblings has license to drive and this only make my parents envy them even more and continue to hope that we will have our license soon. i symphatise my parents and i have seen how they were pushed around during times when they were in need of personal transport. i have seen how important it is to have a license during the times when my brother was paralysed. it was difficult and i knew then i had to do something. having a car is not necessary over here but having a license is definitely a necessity.

let me drive my car

dear diary,

i passed my basic theory test and now i am moving on to final theory test. when i first got the letter from singapore driving centre, i didn't think i would pass. upon seeing the result slip, i couldn't believe my eyes, it was my first time taking it and knowing how difficult it can be for some people to pass, i was glad and overjoyed with my result. after i sat for the test, i had the confidence that i would pass but i did not hope so much on my instinct. there were 50 questions altogether and i managed to answer most of them and left out only 2. i came back to those 2 questions and attempted them. we are only allowed to have 5 mistakes in order to pass and i assumed that i only got those two wrong, that is why i passed. the theory trial practice really help students to get familiar with the questions and build the confidence in them.

i attended the theory trial practice almost daily and i know how much it can do to students if they are focus and attentive. i am doing the same for my final theory test and hopefully i will pass at the first try. i have heard that some people have so much difficulty passing final theory test, hulk took it for 10 times before he managed to pass. but it was no surprised because he did not attend the lessons and did not study as well. there are so many process to go through before you are able to get your license. there are 3 stages altogether and you need to pass the stage chronologically before you can proceed to the next one. the first stage will be the basic theory test, the second stage will be the final theory test and the last stage will be the practical test. over here, you need to pass your basic theory test first before you are allowed to go for your practical lessons.

you need to have a provisional driving license (pdl) first for practical lessons and you can only apply for a PDL with your basic theory test result slip. each PDL last for 6 months and each application cost 25 dollars. so i know now why students always plan their schedule carefully to avoid applying for PDL more than once. once the 6 months expires and if the student fails his practical test, he has to fork out another 25 dollars for renewal of the PDL and also the fees for practical lessons. it is really not cheap when we calculate it. i know some people spent more than 2 thousand dollars for a driving license, however there are a few i know who only spent about 1 thousand dollars. i think you need to know how to go about to get good lessons but yet cheap. many have agreed that private driving instructors are cheaper than school's driving instructor and many have also argued that school's driving instructor are better than private. it's subjective and it all boils down on the students.

i know a few people who had got their license from private practical lessons and i also know students who seem to take forever to get their license as a student in a driving school. there are always pros and cons and we as students have to do our homework first and weigh the pros and cons wisely. we also need to have initiative to ask questions to our driving instructor instead of waiting to be told. my preference would be taking my practical lessons from a private instructor because i am not willing to part with so much of my money to high course fees to a driving school. on the average, the course fees as a private student is half the cost of being a student in a driving school.

everybody knows that but i believe people still register as a student in driving school because they still believe and have the impression that students in driving schools have more privileges and this include less waiting time for test dates. i doubt so, it is unlikely to happpen here with all those systems. i went to register for my final theory test last monday and it will be on the 8th of March at 8pm. i have registered for the theory trial test as well and this sunday, i am going to spend the whole day there practising. i really want to get on with this as i do not have much time. the clock is ticking and i have plenty of other things to do in my agenda. the paperwork about furthering my studies is still on going and i do not wish to be moving out of here without a license. i hope my budget allows me to get a reliable vintage car.

i love vintage cars and what i have in mind is a mini morris or a volkswagen beetle, however any vintage car will do so long as they are in good driving condition and reliable. many friends have told me that it's better to buy fist hand car there as the roads and traffic conditions are totally different than over here. driving a car in good shape is a necessity to make sure i will not be troubled with frequent high maintenance cost and the risk of having the car breaks down in the middle of a busy road or nowhere. it looks like i really have to think twice about it all. i still would love to drive a vintage car and i have the intention to remodify its outlooks and perhaps change, upgrade or overhaul the engine if necessary. of course this will all depend on my budget and the practicality of my idea. can't really say if my parents would buy me a car but i have the feeling that they would however, i am and will not hope.

little sister replied my email but she didn't explain why there was a difference in her email. i noticed that she didn't even call me big sister anymore. i am not sure, somehow i know why but i am not telling. she also said that she has not think about what to do yet. well, i guess she has plenty of time to do so. i don't think she is in a rush. she told me sometimes she will experience back pain in her spine. my spine hurts when i read her email. i feel sorry for her. she takes pain killers to ease the pain. little sister is thinking of going back to her hometown but she is reluctant to do so when the thought of her good friends and loved ones come across her mind. i can understand how she feels, once you get too comfortable with a place or a person, it's hard to say goodbye. the truth is, i don't want her to leave. if possible i want her to stay in KL so that i know she is close to me once i am there for good. i am not sure if we were ever going to meet but i just want to feel close to her. i really hope that we are able to meet one fine day.

have i told you about a girl i met? i am sure i have but not in details am i right? i met her on my first day there. we met at central market and we spent the entire day to ourselves. it seems not enough that we extended it till the next morning. that night, i didn't check in to my apartment, instead i put up at her place. we got better acquainted and i have never felt happier before. i feel that i can click with her and somehow i feel for her. i never thought that it would turn out to be like that. all the while i had been trying to avoid any feelings to develop and to avoid any actions that might lead to another, i failed and i am facing with the consequences now. i am sure that i like her and there were chemistry between us. the only thing that holds us back is the fact that we are separated by distance.

we both have mutual understanding about it and we did not talk about love anymore although there are bits and pieces of love sentiments in our daily conversations. the things that make me attracted to her are her simplicity, intelligence and her humility. she has the qualities that i want in a girl. she's smart and matured, i enjoyed every conversations i had with her during the times we were together. we went to lots of places together and we had tea, dinner and supper together. she made me feel good and there were times when i wanted to hold her hand. i wanted to feel her skin against mine. there were times when our shoulders brushed against each other and there were times when we casually hold each other's waist. we were acting like a couple and we got too comfortable with each other.

i met up with wira and brought her along. i am sure wira thought us as a couple without asking me personally. i really wonder what does she think of us. her presence in my life now seems to boost my desire to move out of here quickly. indirectly, she has become my source of inspirations and motivations. i want the process to speed up and somehow i feel i am doing it because of her. diary, aramis has stayed put in my heart but being in love with her is equivalent to being in love with the wind. i can feel it but i can never touch and hold it. this love i have for her is intangible unless both of us makes and effort but i know it is unlikely because she is busy with her boutique and her mother.

furthermore she is not in a place convenient for me to visit even when i am there for good. i am not sure what i am getting myself into. my weaknesses are girls and i can never get enough of them. i like to be around them and i like to be touch and hold by them but i am sure i do not want to commit myself to all of them. i may enjoy their company but i certainly am selective when it comes to choosing someone to accompany me for life. to feel comfortable is the highest priority because when i feel comfortable, i can let my hair down and really be myself when i am with her. i feel comfortable with taj mahal and i hope she feels the same way too. i hope she will be there for me like how i want to be there for her in times of her need.

i still think of aramis but i don't know if she is feeling like how i am feeling now. it is hard to tell and even difficult to comprehend because taj mahal has captured my heart. this is what we call love isn't it? it feels so good only in the beginning, not sure how long it will last. but sometimes, when two people are in love wholeheartedly, the love will blossom even more with times. that is what i want in my relationship. a love that never dies with times, a love that lives beyond any boundaries and a love that does not grow old with age.

the pain of loss still exists

dear diary,

i have noticed that the older we get the more thinking we do. i have not reached 30 but i am beginning to feel like one. i have mellowed down in all the unhealthy activities i used to do and i have been doing a lot of thinking especially in my free time. there are so many things that i think about. they are life, death, love, family, friends and religion. i thought about life after death and where would i be then? i am scared diary, the more i think about it the more afraid i got. i know it's wrong and sinful but i can't fight this feeling that i am having since i was young. tell me what to do diary? as much as i want to get away from life as a lesbian, i still have strong sexual feelings towards women that is undeniable.

i am sad with how i turned out to be sometimes. i have asked myself, why was i born only to go against His teachings? why was i born only to live life in a closet? i searched everywhere for an answer, i didn't find it. i have never felt this way before until recently. the death of my brother brought me one step closer to god and i have been doing things that i have never thought i would and could. i have been praying regularly and i have been attending quran lessons religiously. i have been looking around for any other religious classes that can fit into my schedule. what does that tell you diary?

i am still what i am but my soul is hurting. i am drowned in my own polluted life, i tried to stay afloat but the more i tried the harder it has become. i have drained out all the energy i have in my body by trying to stay afloat. diary, i feel sad when i think about my life. i am not depress but i know i am upset. this inner battle that i have been fighting, it's getting nowhere. i cried in my sleep last night thinking about my brother. he is gone now but his spirits still live on. i wonder if i had not become a lesbian, would he still be alive. i wonder if i had prayed daily then would he still be alive? i have always thought that he was taken away from me because god wants me to wake up from my dream and send a message to me that live on earth is only temporary, live on earth is not permanent and does not stay till eternity.

i told myself that he left because of how i live my life. i was too proud and did not think of the consequences. i blame myself for my brother's death sometimes. i am so hurt, the pain still lingers deep within me. i keep getting the flashbacks of my brother before he became critical. i thought of how i treated him when he was in need of attentions, love and care. i thought of his facial expressions when he couldn't bare the pain anymore. i thought of the things i said to him that broke him into pieces. i have regretted what i have done to him and if only i could do a miracle, i would take it back. everytime i think of it, my heart sank even deeper and i feel like there's no way i can make it float again. i feel indebted to him and i can only repay him back through my prayers.

i never stopped praying for him. i speak to him in my prayers, that's the only way i know how. i seek for his forgiveness and i told him how much i miss him and how i love him still even after he is gone. i am still disturbed by his death. i still feel lost sometimes. i have never spoken about it to anyone, how i feel and what do i really think about it all. it is something unimaginable, no one would have thought about losing a family member. i still feel contented after what had happened. there are many others that have lost their loved ones in a flash. losing a family member is painful that it's beyond description let alone losing four or five at the same time. the feelings are just inexplicable.

i have read many news and have heard of people losing some or all of their family members when Tsunami hit Asia or through an accident. i feel so sorry for them and i know that no words of deepest regrets and heartfelt condolences would make up to them. it takes hearts of steels and spirits of the whole universe to endure such heartbreaking news. i am speechless when i heard the news and too dumbfounded to react to it. it's a shocking news that need sometimes to digest. i miss my brother very much and i know how much i pretend to be fine with his death, it still hurts and i can't fake it. no matter how long it has been, the pain of loss still lingers right here in my heart.

i saw them all

dear diary,

coming back home seemed to be so difficult to do after being in a place where i feel my heart belongs. it's so hard to leave KL and all my beloved friends whom i have considered to be a part of my family. i am glad that i managed to meet all if not almost all my good friends. both of us made an effort to meet and i guessed that's the recipe for a good friendship. there were only two new people i met and i enjoyed their company very much. it's a bit awkward to meet for the first time but after having so many experiences meeting people i know online, it seems so easy to tackle the awkward feelings. we talked about so many stuffs, so many issues, life, love, religion, studies, habits and love. i went to the colleges that is in my list of preferences. my friends brought me there and i took a look at them. some impressed me but some did not, however i am still keeping my options open and i will decide when the time comes. i just need to get few paper works done and make few enquiries pertaining to my studies.

i could have met more people but i chose to spend more time with kiddo. i was supposed to meet chicken pie in the evening on tuesday after i met kiddo but i cancelled the plan as i didn't feel like meeting. i was tired and sleepy and i knew i needed a rest so i thought to go straight back to my apartment after meeting up with kiddo but i ended up going back at 3 in the morning. so much for needing an early sleep. i had a great time with kiddo cos in the hours i was with her, i got to meet 2 other of my friends. we had dinner and they brought me to some pool club. i didn't play a single game! pool never interest me probably because i didn't know how to play and i never bothered to learn. it's just not my cup of tea. i prefer bowling than pool cos it's more fun and exciting and many get to play in one game.

i think none of them prefers bowling than pool, i noticed that pool is the number one choice among yuppies in Malaysia. even the most decent looking yuppies know how to hit the ball with the cue. i was never exposed to pool when i was growing up, perhaps i do not mingle with people who frequent pool clubs often so pool is nothing to me. i sat and just watched them play. i got a bit uncomfortable along the way but i managed to stay cool. i met up with pringles for a short while in the pool club, she came and i greeted her. she said i looked different with my hair so short like that. i smiled at her and she smiled back.

she said that i have lost weight, in fact, everybody said that i have lost weight, i didn't think so but most probably they were right. pringles was soft as usual, very soft spoken and warm. i think if i were to fall for her, it would be because of her warmth and softness. i have met pringles for a few times and i have always been moderately comfortable with her. i also met big sister during the hours i was with kiddo. big sister looked nice and sweet. she was shy to see me in the first place, she told me she has put on weight. i did't care about all that, all i wanted was to meet her.

we spent quite a bit of time together. she asked me quite a number of times if i was attached. everytime she asked i answered honestly but she seemed not to believe and kept on asking me. big sister and i had something going on before but it was only for a short while. i was just a girl away from home and wanted to have some fun. she came along and we got too comfortable with each other. after that, we decided to settle for sisterhood relationship. it is good though to meet her after awhile, we didn't talk much, perhaps there were others around and we couldn't talk about old times.

i met up with wira and she brought me to uptown. we had fried carrot cake and fried oysters. they tasted so good but i was really full when we got there. i brought ashwarya to meet wira and she and i had dinner before that at DOMES cafe in KLCC. i was dissapointed with how the food at domes tasted like. we ordered ceasar salad and mushroom soup. the ceasar salad did not even come close to tasting average and the mushroom soup tasted like plain flour with mushroom in it. it's so unbelievable. we went to the night market at uptown after supper and i saw many interesting stuffs on sale there.

i didn't buy anything as i thought they are just the same as in singapore only that their imitation products look almost 100 percent original. i never went for a shopping spree in KL. i just find that i have had everything and don't need anymore shopping to do unless it's an emergency. i had a great time in KL. it is a lucky thing that i visited buddy in the hospital on tuesday noon. i saw my god daughter and yes, she is going to be a pretty girl when she grows up. she has fair skin and slit eyes a little. she has chinese looks and i think if i were to carry her in my arms, people would believe that she's my daughter. buddy gave her a name which i hated very much that i couldn't be bothered to remember it.

i didn't plan to visit buddy on tuesday but since i had nothing to do and no appointment then, i decided to pay her a visit. it was a good move as i did not come to KL on thursday from genting. my resort was at awana and it's difficult to get to KL. i had to be with the group cos i can say that i have become dependent on them for transport. my holiday in genting was bad and ugly. there were many incidents that happened which were too much. they were all unacceptables and despicable that i couldn't even write it down here. it's so thoughtless and shameless of them to do that. all i can say is that they are two shameless, low moral, selfish people that i have ever come across. their attitude at that age is unimaginable and unbelievable.

you know what diary, i received an email from little sister. it's good to receive such an email from someone dear after you come back from a holiday. it's very refreshing and rejuvenating. i was surprised and happy but i wonder how come there are something different about the email. i am not sure what but there are things that did not look usual in that email. i hope little sister can explain that to me. i miss her so much and i wish i could meet her. i just want to take a look at her. see how does my little sister look like, see her facial expressions and watch her in front of me. i don't know if i ever will get a chance to do that. the chances seem far and distant. i am hoping but i am not counting on it. she told me she needs some time on her own. i can understand that. i just hope she is happy wherever she is and may she be blessed with good health and an everlasting love.

kiddo asked me about some things which seemed all too familiar. i explained to her about it and told her the truth and nothing but the truth. i didn't want to hide anymore truth from her and didn't want to tell a one sided story that makes me sound like an angel when i am not. i thought that this story has been stocked up in the archive but what kiddo asked me proved that this story is not going to be archived until everyone involved stop talking about it. i have stopped talking about it but i don't think the rest of the people involved have. sometimes i wonder when will they ever stopped talking?

enough said and done seemed not to be applicable in their dictionary. i have made some mistakes but it's only the mistakes that they remember. i just knew that the ugly orang utan has got something to do with what the ugly les talked to me about. it is a coincidence too good to be true and i knew someone else was behind it. i didn't give a fuck and i didn't give a damn. as far as i am concern the trio whom i called the bermuda triangle deserves nothing from me. i do not wish to get involved with unhealthy people anymore. it makes me sick to the extent that i think i am a walking disease.

they are the toxic ones who brought so many diseases and illnesses into my life. they polluted my life with so many wastes that i get suffocated with my own breath. staying away from them is good and i have never felt so free, clean and healthy before. i guess that's the only thing for us to do isn't it? we try to make peace but if we are unsuccessful, then staying away is the best option. it's funny to know that the game is not over when you think it's over. there are always some one who doesn't want to stop playing it. it can be sickening, annoying and irritating till the extent that if one is not strong enough, it can do an utter disruption to oneself.

i did not meet corn pie at all. can you believe that? after all those talk and after all those arrangements made, we didn't even meet for a second. it was difficult cos i was already turned off by her and the date and time i reserved for her had to be sacrificed by something else. she called me at the wrong time and vice versa. i couldn't move around much cos i was always with the company of my friends. somehow, she has to come to me if she wants to meet me or come to a place which is convenient for me. we had a couple of chances to meet but circusmtances did not allow us to meet. it was such a waste actually, cos all these while it was she who has been hoping and waiting for my arrival to KL and in the end did not even get to meet me. i felt sorry for her and i hope i can make it up to her one day.

i will be there...

dear diary,

when you think you are out of options and do not have any other alternatives, you are suddenly flooded with so many varieties of choices. all you have to do after that is to pick and choose the one that suits most of your needs. here i am thinking i am out of options to travel to KL and have to settle with hippo when i received 2 other offers from my friends in JB to have a ride with them to KL. i can say that i am spoilt with choices for now. travelling with hippo would be fun and great because i have gotten to know most of them already and they are all full of jokes and excitement. the other friend is guess who? it's cutie pie! her family is moving out of jb to KL and she has to drive up the other family's car to KL.

there will be plenty of rooms and i am welcome if i want to join them. i have never sat in a car with cutie pie before and have met her only once, however, i talk to her often on the phone and we have become very closely acquainted with each other. she is leaving to KL on sunday morning or afternoon, therefore i have to be at her house in the morning to be safe. the other friend is Kinabalu. i have known her for awhile now and i can say that i am comfortable with her more than with cutie pie. i have met kinabalu only once but we can click together and she is also a little bit hip. kinabalu is leaving on monday morning, hippo is leaving on monday noon, cutie pie is leaving on sunday. if i am rushing to KL, i would travel with cutie pie but the only thing i am uncomfortable about it is, she will be driving with her family and yes, that includes her parents, however, they will be travelling in a different car.

i can adjust myself to situations and circumstances most of the times but i do not think it is convenient for me to travel with cutie pie. firstly, i have to be there in the morning on sunday, i have to leave home early to avoid traffic jam and once i got to JB, i have to go to her house alone by cab. everything will be a first time for me. going to her house, meeting her parents, travelling in a car with her and putting up at her house on sunday. come to think of it, monday is a working day in malaysia, if cutie pie is not on leave on monday, then what is going to happen to me? the hotel check in time is only at 12 noon and i am sure i am going to be uncomfortable if i have to stay in her house alone with her family without her around. i also have to wait for her untill she finishes her work in the evening.

i don't think that would be good. travelling with hippo would mean i will be in KL around 7 in the evening and i didn't have to leave home early because leaving home to JB will be late morning. it is going to be time wasting and lots of waiting to do but i am sure it would be fun and the most comfortable journey to KL i have ever had. kinabalu plans to leave early to KL. tentatively it would be 7 in the morning on monday. she will be driving alone to KL and i think she could use some company. if i were to travel with kinabalu, it would suits my needs most. i know i will be in KL by noon or early afternoon, by then i am able to check in into the hotel and get myself comfortable. i can meet more friends now since i have extra time on hand, however, i will be alone in the hotel until hippo and friends arrive.

it's not a problem to me since i will be out of the hotel anyway. the only discomfort i will have travelling with kinabalu would be getting along with her girlfriend. she's in negeri sembilan and kinabalu will pick her up from there and proceed to KL with us. therefore, from negeri sembilan onwards, i may have to try to get along with her because i know she is hard to please. it's not really a big deal to me cos negeri sembilan is only about less than 2 hours journey to KL. i am sure all of us can put up with each other's attitude for that short period. the only thing left for me to do is to think of excuses or reasons to skip my commitment on monday. i just hope i am successful and will be released.

you know diary, purple was online last night and we chatted for awhile. i am really becoming afraid to get close with her nowadays. she knows i will be there soon and she jokingly and mischieviously asked if i want to be her girlfriend for the period i am there. she sent me virtual kisses and hugs and said she wants to spend the week doing nothing but to kiss me. she could be teasing me and being naughty but i feel i have to take precautions. i do not want her to get the wrong idea and i do not want to be overboard with my flirting. i guess i have to draw a line somewhere.

i am not exagerating but we all know that we can sense it when someone is having a crush or fallin for us. we can tell from their body language. it can get crazy sometimes. i like purple but if things are going to get serious with us, then i might have to back off a bit. i am just not ready for any commitments yet especially when it involves distance. furthermore, aramis has stayed put in my heart and i am not letting her go neither am i sending her away. it doesn't matter if i can't have her for real but i want her to stay in my heart. my feelings for her are undeniable.

do you know that i have cut my hair diary? it is so short that i don't need to comb my hair after shower. it's a boy's haircut and i kind of like it but i need sometime to get myself used to this new look. it is funny initially because it has been a long time since i wear my hair this short. i really look different i am sure my family would be shock to see me with my new hairstyle. i couldn't help gigling at myself at my new look. i look so different that i almost couldn't recognise myself! i don't know what my friends are going to say about it. i am positive they are going to laught at me.

i am not regretting the hair cut but i am regretting the fact that i allowed the hairdresser to cut it so short like this. not only that, i even asked her to make my hair thin, so you can imagine how short and thin my hair looks like. arrgghh, enough about my hair, i am fine with it but if it was slightly longer, i would be happier. talking about my new look, i wonder what the students in the quran class would think of my new look. geeezzz, i never had this worry before after a haircut but this time it is really exceptional.

i have to stop thinking about my new hair and how would people accept it but how can i when i am wearing it on my head and it goes wherever i go? obviously i cannot stop worrying about it. my hair represent how i am, what i am like, in simple terms, my hair is me! arrrghhh...diary i think i am going insane here. it looks good at the saloon but after i put on my hair scarf and put on some wet look to give it a spiky and funky look, it kind of turns me off. it looks ok, not that it is ugly but 'different' and the biggest problem i am having now is to get used to this new look of mine. i think i should have probably left it on its own without wet look and scarf.

my toes have got abrasions and it hurts a lot. i couldn't walk properly with the pair of shoes i am wearing today. it really hurts and i can't speed up when i walk. i cannot be buying a new pair of shoes again because that would eat up into my budget. my worry now is how am i suppose to go home with my feet like this? buying a new pair of shoes will at least cost me 20 bucks for the cheapest pair. damn! i shouldn't have worn this shoe today. i should have worn a different pair of shoes which is loose and open. i should have listened to my instinct.

appreciating living free

dear diary,

i went to school and settled my outstanding school fees which has been long overdue. i have been delaying the payment for so long already until i have decided to settle it once and for all. i just wanted to have a feel of having so much money in my bank account. it sure gives me a good feeling to see the figures that represents my financial wealth. i still have a satisfactory amount of money left after the school fees and that should be sufficient to make me feel contented. i am sure it will grow anytime soon and by then, i'll be out of here. i met hippo in her office after that and i saw the rest of her colleagues who will be in the trip. one girl caught my eye and i think i am beggining to like her. *chuckles*

she's not pretty or cute, but i just like her manners and the way she carries herself. she already has a boyfriend but it doesn't affect how i feel towards her because i didn't have any intentions to be attached to her or have any relations to her. she's just fine and fairly friendly. i couldn't wait for the trip to come to be close to her. i really wonder if she is purely straight in sexual preference. hippo noticed the way i looked at her and she signalled to me not to be naughty. i laughed away at her observations and stuck out my tongue at her. i guess she can tell if i am up to something cheeky or mischievious after 13 years of friendship.

we went dinner after that and for the first time hippo introduced me to her new boyfriend after being single for more than 2 years. i just thought he was shy and i allowed him to have time of his own to get comfortable. i left the two of them together and concentrated on my food. i think i am hooked on cili padi as i never fail to ask for cili padi every time i eat out. but of course it all depends on the food i eat if they are suitable to eat with chilli padi. i ate seafood hor fun last night and i had 2 medium servings of chilli padi to go with it. my tongue was burning and i quickly sucked ice to reduce the burn.

i have so many things on my mind of what to eat. seafood is always on my mind and chilli squid is my favourite. i also like cockles and snails. i think i eat practically every seafood that's available. it's a lucky thing that my family is adventurous in food. we have been to every popular eating place over here as well as overseas. what i miss most is the shop that sells 'asam pedas' with freshly caught fish in muar johor. i can still remember how the fish taste so fresh and soft. it's a simple but absolutely delicious meal i have ever had. i remembered we only had red snapper in 'asam pedas', fried omellette and a plate of vegetables. very simple but rewarding meal. everyone of us enjoyed the meal and we planned to come back for more in the future.

i wish i could tell little sister that i will be there and i hope we can meet up. there is no way i can get hold of her. all i can do is to wait for her call but it takes forever for her to call. i am not even sure if she is in malaysia or australia. i don't know how she is, what she's doing, how is her health and if she has been well or not. i wish and hope she is well and the white blood cells in her body has reduced sufficiently. the only thing for me to do now is to pray to god she will have a long live and blessed with good health.

i have not heard from aramis neither has she heard from me for 5 days now. both of us are back to our daily routine of silence. nothing happened but i guess we all need this break and silence sometimes. too much of togetherness is bad, in fact too much of everything and anything is bad and can get hazardous. i read all her messages sometimes, can you believe that i saved almost all of her messages? she is the only girl that has successfully made me do that. reading her messages makes me smile. it suffices to make me happy. i miss her everyday, every second of my life, i hope she feels the same way too. i love her too much to hate her.

purple is quiet and i don't know what's with her. i didn't think i have said anything wrong to her. she was excited when i told her i am coming but i am not sure if she still does. i don't really care anyway, she has said some things which offended me a little. i didn't pay so much attention to it, i let it go cos it was insignificant. she knows when i will be there so if she is still serious of meeting up again, she will call. frankly, i really don't know what are we. i have no idea what to call us. it is so funny and ticklish.

we talk and behave to each other like a couple but we are not. you know diary, i am really smiling very widely now as i type this event down. it's so silly of us and we only have met once! she used to call me everyday until her bill came and that was it. she said that she needs to listen to my voice at least for awhile everyday. i reserved my opinion about that to myself. it got me scared and puzzled, both of us are not looking for anyone special but yet we seemed to be looking for one. i think we are just flirting and we are enjoying every minute of it even though it is long distance. there are only two girls that have made me go weak on my knees like an ice cube left to melt under the scorching heat. they are aramis and flying dutchess. these women have the capability to make me go down on my knees. there will always be a place for them in my heart even though i would be cold to them. it's the ego in me.

i feel so free now that i have deleted all the people that are toxic from my life. they bring nothing but disease to my soul and give nothing but pollution to my life. since i kept my distance from them, i breathe in well and i am a happy woman again. it's nobody's fault but everybody's mistakes; a mistake to know each other. i left it behind and keep moving forward now. no worries, no hatred, no grudges, no friction and no nonsense. i feel freedom once again and i will celebrate it to my heart's content.

wait for me

dear diary,

i met hippo last night and she explained to me about the changes made to the trip. i listened and i understood her. i never blamed her anyway but just a little dissapointed. i couldn't care less and didn't think it was such a big deal. i guess hippo felt bad about the many changes she has made to the trip and meeting me personally without the presence of her colleagues help to make me understand of why she had to make those changes. i knew it was an act of courtesy by her after acknowledging our 13 years of friendship and i truly appreciated it.

i am so sleepy today and i wish i could just continued sleeping instead of having to wake up and leave home. Hang Tuah made a lot of noise last night and in the morning. i think he has got our habits registered into his brain and if he notices something unusual, he would call out loudly signalling to us that we are not doing things the usual way. i started to notice it when dad overslept one morning and missed his 'yassin' in the morning. Tuah made a lot of noise and only shut up when dad woke up. sometimes, i feel like throwing Tuah my pillow into his face for interrupting my sweet dream. he can be annoying in the morning without even knowing it. he is one week late for shower and i have asked my brother to bathe him on sunday. i always like to kiss him, he never fail to smell good regardless if he hadn't taken his shower for so long. i love him so much! i am really going to miss him when i am in KL and it's his smell that i will miss most.

i packed my stuffs to bring to kl last night. i know it's too early but it is always better to be 3 hours too early than 3 minutes too late. i never like to do things in a hurry, i will always end up forgetting something. i like to pack my stuffs early so it gives me time to think of other things to bring and to find the things to bring on time before i leave. i have to bring extra shoes and sandals and i also have to bring my prayer materials. i can't wait to be out of here, i think i have not been away for a long time and this trip might gives me a boost in the long run.

i am meeting up with all of my old friends and also my newly made friends. i just updated my contact list in my palmtop and realised that i have more friends in malaysia than in singapore. it's funny how i can reach to that stage but i guess it's true when people say, absence makes the heart grows fonder. people will tend to miss and keep in touch with good long distance friends. probably because they do not have the luxury of meeting as often and call as often as close distance friends, so they will take every opportunity to maintain the friendship. i have made many friends over the internet. i think i have known about 100 people but i chose some among them to be my friends. i can say that i am selective to be around people. i do not mingle with people easily and only do so when i am comfortable with them. i guess that's how it should be isn't it? we select people to be our friends not just any tom, dick or harry. i would rather have one good quality friend than a dozen friends without quality.

hulk called me last night talking about hippo. i just feel that he does not fancy hippo a lot. there are always something that hippo does that turn hulk off or not cool to him. i didn't say anything and just let him talk. i guess some people have different preference for a friend. but it is always the three of us, probably because it's only us that have not got married. hulk and i have been travelling and hiking buddies for a long time. we have travelled together, climbed mountains together and slept in the same tent together. hippo only joined us not long after that. but i know i can depend on hulk more than hippo.

hulk is a decent guy, someone trustworthy and reliable. asks him for favour and he would gladly do it for you. i have asked him for lots of favour and he never failed me once. in return, i always give him treats of luxurious meals. he enjoys it and so do i. hulk and i can get along well most of the times even though we have had our fair share of disagreements. however, i am more comfortable with hippo than hulk probably because she is of the same gender as i am and she knows what are my sexual preferences. *grins*

i think i might get myself a pair of shoes in KL that is if i can find one pair that suits me. i always have trouble finding shoes that is eye catching to me. sandals and slippers are in and most of the shoe shops have them on sale than proper shoes. i am so sick and tired of them. it is time to get a pair of proper shoes. i also need to collect my clothes from ash. she has bought me shirts a long time ago but always forgets to bring them everytime i meet her. it's been awhile since i met her and i really wonder how she looks like. she told me she has cut her hair short like a boy. i think she will look even younger with short hair.

this trip to KL will bring lots of memories to me. i will be meeting a few new friends and i will for the first time, welcome the birth of my god daughter. i think she is going to be pretty. my imagination of her would be a fair looking girl, with curly hair, tall and lanky. my god daughter is going to be the talk of the school once she has started schooling. i am sure every boy will be after her. *grins* i am not sure what maggie will name her but i hope it is going to sound nice. knowing that i am going to be god mother is so exciting. i am so thrilled at the idea and i cannot wait to help maggie raises her.

i think i am going to be a dotting mother to her but at the same time i will stress on discipline. i cannot wait to adopt children of my own. i want to have 2 girls and 2 boys. i like big family and i will raise them to be good children. i will make sure they become successful with whatever they are doing. i have prepared names for them and all of them sound good classic names to me. i must be financially stable and strong at least to adopt 4 children. i hope i will be and i am really looking forward to it. i think it is going to be the highlight of my life to be able to adopt them. i just have to make sure that i stay focus in my goals and be single minded about it all. futhermore, having a family of my own is the ultimate dream.