skating with a vengence

dear diary,

i woke up today with muscle ache all over my body especially my arms. i skated for two nights in a row and each skating session lasted for 2 hours. i think i did about 10 km altogether. it has been quite awhile since i skated and last weekened i skated with a vengence. it was fun as usual and full of excitement. i carried weights at home after i got back and i am sure the muscle ache came from there. i was supposed to carry the weights daily to tone my arms but i was just lazy and lack of self discipline to do so. i may have to try to do it daily from today onwards.

taj mahal and i have been exchanging news so often that i am hearing less from corn pie nowadays. i haven't sms her or called her yet and neither does she. i guess both of us know that it is time to hit the reality, we are not together so stop behaving like one. i got turned off by her before my departure to KL and she knew i was pissed. from then onwards, i was neither friendly nor cold towards her. i kept things very simple and moderate between us. i assumed she notices it and she gets the message. diary, i feel bad towards her but i want you to know that i am doing this not because i have taj mahal now.

i am doing this because first of all, i don't want her to get the wrong message. i am not thinking of going steady with her in the future and i bet she does not too so i want us to stop behaving like as though we are both in love with each other. it can mislead us and i don't wish for us to be confuse over our friendship. furthermore, i have more financial commitments nowadays since i have started my driving lessons. i cannot waste unnecessary expenditure and i have to stick to my budget for leisure. long distance relationship can be costly with the phone bills if one does not watch his usage. i have been there and done that many times. i swear that i will never allow myself to be a victim of phone bills again. it's wasteful and sickening.

little sister is quiet again and it's probably because she needs some rest. she had told me in her email that she needs sometime to be alone so she won't be able to reply my email. i miss her company, i miss reading her emails and i miss talking to her. i have so many things to tell her but i don't know how and where to start. she's been gone too long and story after story pile up waiting to be told. they got too many till i have lost count.

i have not heard from russia as well. i think she kind of got the idea that i am seeing someone new now. i might have let the cat out of the bag unintentionally. anyway, it's not like i am attached, i am merely seeing someone new and it is unlikely that we are going to be attached soon. i called russia and told her i was coming and asked if we could meet up. she said ok and i told her i will call her to finalise the meeting. i didn't finalise the meeting and it was cancelled. i didn't call her neither did she. i think she had either forgotten about it or she had decided that it was my responsibility to call her since i was the one who proposed the idea of meeting up. i really don't know what's our status now.

she knew that i was going to genting and she asked if she could come along. i declined her nicely and i think she was slightly offended. i told her that i will not get comfortable if she was around with me in genting with my friends. that is the truth and i was not lying. my friends are all straight and what would they think if they noticed something about us. i am not going to take the risk. russia should have known that i am very particular about who i bring home to meet my parents and friends. i never want to create suspicions among them towards me especially my sexual preference. i have strong feeling that russia is somehow dissapointed with me but honestly what can i say and what can i do?

if she is feeling dissapointed with me now, i have been dissapointed with her since the day she told me she will be 'naughty' for as long as she could until the day i move there with her for good. now tell me diary, if you were in my position, how would you feel when your girlfriend spoke to you like that? where is the love? i asked for a break up immediately after i heard that. there were many reasons for the break up, i was not ready for the relationship anyway. it's too time demanding and it was affecting me financially as well. when russia said that to me, i have to admit that i took the opportunity to break up. it wasn't really entirely her fault for the break up. i was just uncomfortable with her outlook. i wish she would have appeared more feminine. there is only one thing i wish for out of this, i wish russia and i will remain close as friends no matter what. i see her as someone who can be trustworthy as a friend and i hope she will be able to accept me as her friend no matter come what may.

i went for my final theory practice yesterday and 70 percent of the questions seemed very foreign to me. it was funny doing the practice when i didn't have any knowledge about how the questions were going to be like. i left out most of the questions and let the computer explained to me on the answers. i grasped some informations quickly but i still think that i need more final theory practice to get better acquainted with the questions. it is advisable that one go for the final theory lessons simultaneously with the practical lessons because most questions asked in final theory is relevant with the driving techniques and mechanism of a car.

i was lost most of the times when reading the questions and i smiled quietly showing sign how amused i was with myself. my test is on the 8th of march and i hope i will pass sitting for it the first time. i have yet to apply for my PDL and look for a driving instructor. i saw quite many private instructor on sunday and i got down one of their numbers. i'll call them probably next month and discuss further with them. i really hope to get my license soon. for students who sit for the practical test for the first time, the waiting period is usually 6 months, i hope i will pass the test on my first try so that i don't have to spend a lot of time waiting for another retest. my dad was excited last night and he couldn't stop talking about cars. i saw the excitement in his eyes and i knew i have to get my license soon.

i don't want to dissapoint my parents cos i knew they have been hoping for this for a long time. it's about high time that they deserved to ride in their own car. having a driving license may not seem such a big deal to some family but it is to my family. all these while, none of us have license to drive and we are very dependent on public transport. at least one person in every family of my dad's and mum's siblings has license to drive and this only make my parents envy them even more and continue to hope that we will have our license soon. i symphatise my parents and i have seen how they were pushed around during times when they were in need of personal transport. i have seen how important it is to have a license during the times when my brother was paralysed. it was difficult and i knew then i had to do something. having a car is not necessary over here but having a license is definitely a necessity.