Dear diary,
love is hard to understand. It makes you feel restless and gives you many sleepless nights. I never tried to understand love because I know of its complexity and the level of magnitude it can gives to those suffering from it. I never hated love neither do I adore love but I do feel happy when I feel love is in the air. I can even feel it in my toe and it makes my heart jumps with excitement. I can never describe that excitement but I know it is a good kind of excitement.
Aramis and I have been talking more often now, it is either she texts me first or I do. It makes me scared actually, I am not afraid of falling in love with her all over again, but I am afraid of the risks involve. Many things are uncertain and the roads seem to be cloudy at the front. I have taken too many risks with her and I cannot do it anymore. I am not tensed or pressurised by her but I love her so much that I am afraid these good times will end soon if I get serious with her. I am serious when I said I love her but I do not want to pursue it further, not for now at least. Both of us have still got a long way to go and many things can happen along the way. I knew I love her but sadly I cannot commit myself to a relationship anymore, not until I am certain and when we are not separated by distance anymore.
My feelings for her are undeniable and she exists in my soul, my heart and the air that I breathe. She asked me what my hopes are for my future, I didn't answer her truthfully. I hid the real truth from her because I am afraid. I am afraid that if I said things too easily and soon, I will not be able to feel the way I feel with her anymore. I want her to stay with me; I want her to keep making me crave for any text message from her. I want her to be mine even if it is not official. It is enough to know that she thinks about me and misses me. If I can open up my heart and show it to her, she will know how much of my heart has belonged to her. If I can just shout it out to the whole world how much she means to me, I would. I miss her every second of my life. Whenever I am down or happy, she?s always the one whom I think about.
I wonder why I feel this way about her. Perhaps it's because of the distance, perhaps it's because our souls fell in love first before our heart. No pictures were exchanged, no voice heard, no cheeks to kiss, no handshakes but we still managed to keep it going. I was contemplating whether or not to tell her the truth, I didn't. You know, diary, I don't know what I want anymore. I am living life day by day making full use of it and at the same time, thinking of aramis. I cannot take her out of my mind. She?s always there hanging around waiting to be noticed and when I finally noticed her, she refuses to leave. Nothing can take her away from me. I feel that it has been written in my book of fate that she stays in my life for eternity. my wish, my hope and my dream is to have a family of my own with aramis in it, I want to grow old with her, I want to take care of her and I want to give her all the love and attention she needs, I want to protect her from harm, I want to provide her with life's necessities, I want to make her laugh and smile and I want to be the one she loves.
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