i have noticed that the older we get the more thinking we do. i have not reached 30 but i am beginning to feel like one. i have mellowed down in all the unhealthy activities i used to do and i have been doing a lot of thinking especially in my free time. there are so many things that i think about. they are life, death, love, family, friends and religion. i thought about life after death and where would i be then? i am scared diary, the more i think about it the more afraid i got. i know it's wrong and sinful but i can't fight this feeling that i am having since i was young. tell me what to do diary? as much as i want to get away from life as a lesbian, i still have strong sexual feelings towards women that is undeniable.
i am sad with how i turned out to be sometimes. i have asked myself, why was i born only to go against His teachings? why was i born only to live life in a closet? i searched everywhere for an answer, i didn't find it. i have never felt this way before until recently. the death of my brother brought me one step closer to god and i have been doing things that i have never thought i would and could. i have been praying regularly and i have been attending quran lessons religiously. i have been looking around for any other religious classes that can fit into my schedule. what does that tell you diary?
i am still what i am but my soul is hurting. i am drowned in my own polluted life, i tried to stay afloat but the more i tried the harder it has become. i have drained out all the energy i have in my body by trying to stay afloat. diary, i feel sad when i think about my life. i am not depress but i know i am upset. this inner battle that i have been fighting, it's getting nowhere. i cried in my sleep last night thinking about my brother. he is gone now but his spirits still live on. i wonder if i had not become a lesbian, would he still be alive. i wonder if i had prayed daily then would he still be alive? i have always thought that he was taken away from me because god wants me to wake up from my dream and send a message to me that live on earth is only temporary, live on earth is not permanent and does not stay till eternity.
i told myself that he left because of how i live my life. i was too proud and did not think of the consequences. i blame myself for my brother's death sometimes. i am so hurt, the pain still lingers deep within me. i keep getting the flashbacks of my brother before he became critical. i thought of how i treated him when he was in need of attentions, love and care. i thought of his facial expressions when he couldn't bare the pain anymore. i thought of the things i said to him that broke him into pieces. i have regretted what i have done to him and if only i could do a miracle, i would take it back. everytime i think of it, my heart sank even deeper and i feel like there's no way i can make it float again. i feel indebted to him and i can only repay him back through my prayers.
i never stopped praying for him. i speak to him in my prayers, that's the only way i know how. i seek for his forgiveness and i told him how much i miss him and how i love him still even after he is gone. i am still disturbed by his death. i still feel lost sometimes. i have never spoken about it to anyone, how i feel and what do i really think about it all. it is something unimaginable, no one would have thought about losing a family member. i still feel contented after what had happened. there are many others that have lost their loved ones in a flash. losing a family member is painful that it's beyond description let alone losing four or five at the same time. the feelings are just inexplicable.
i have read many news and have heard of people losing some or all of their family members when Tsunami hit Asia or through an accident. i feel so sorry for them and i know that no words of deepest regrets and heartfelt condolences would make up to them. it takes hearts of steels and spirits of the whole universe to endure such heartbreaking news. i am speechless when i heard the news and too dumbfounded to react to it. it's a shocking news that need sometimes to digest. i miss my brother very much and i know how much i pretend to be fine with his death, it still hurts and i can't fake it. no matter how long it has been, the pain of loss still lingers right here in my heart.
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