I Am Embracing The Pain...

Dear Diary,
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I have been thinking a lot about Flying Babe nowadays. It seems to me that the more I try to forget about her the more I am remembering her. I remember the times I spent with her and how she made me feel so alive. Her pictures are still at the place where I put them the first time she gave them to me. I never removed them. They were just there as usual. I wonder if she still has my pictures in her wallet like she used to and I wonder too if she is thinking of me like how I think of her.
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She text me last week and she told me how she has been thinking of me often. It was a day before valentine and I was still in Singapore at that time. I replied her back as soon as I reached Subang. In my text I told her that I was thinking of her too. It just stopped there and there is no more news about her till now. I didn’t mention anything about valentine in my message because I have never celebrated valentine regardless of my relationship status. I don’t know Diary, I have this belief that everyday should be a valentine’s day. If we have found someone that we love shouldn’t we celebrate it everyday instead on that day alone? I wonder if I had said something that I shouldn’t have said in my message because she seems quiet after that. Perhaps this thought is just playing in my mind because I have been thinking of her a lot lately, therefore speculations and assumptions are working themselves in my brain because of that. You and I know that speculations and assumptions are the termites of relationships. They are the destroyer of beautiful things.
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Every night when I sleep, I would put the little teddy bear she gave me by my side. I would touch its legs and I would hold it in my palm just to heal my soul for missing her so much. It seems to me that the more I suffer the more I love, the more I deny the more I miss her, the more I hate the more I am remembering her. I have tried to move on, I think I have but I haven’t moved forward yet. It takes such a long time to move forward when I still see her in my shadows. She is everywhere in my room. I never bothered to remove her away because I know even if I had burnt and hide her memories that she left; she is still in me lingering in the background. She is the air that I breathe, very surreal it may sound but that is how I feel. Every woman in the world will feel like that when she has gave her heart away. I have heard people say that love is not put in your heart to stay; love is only love when you gave it away. I guessed I have given my love to Flying Babe. I cannot read between the lines and I cannot make assumptions from the behaviour and statements made. Perhaps I could but I am in a state when I am not even sure if I want to love and be loved again. Perhaps I am not that confident woman anymore. I have lost my juice and steam. People lose steam after many mishaps. Mishaps are like knives; that either serve us or cut us, as we grasp them by the blade or the handle. When you have something too much you can just get tired of it someday. But isn’t love is something that you just cannot get tired of? We need love in our lives. It is the only thing that makes us complete. Love is subjective isn’t it Diary?
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I spend my time doing my things and minding my own business. I read somewhere that time is the great healer but I only see time as something that only gives me more time to think about how much I have been missing her. Occasionally I go out with my friends and just let my hair down. Being myself without bothering how people think of me. That’s the best choice everybody made. I still do have some kind of hope that I will reunite with Flying Babe again but deep down inside me, I am scared. I am scared of the pain, disappointments and surprises that come with it. We all know that every little thing comes with a package and everything is not all about butterflies and rainbows. When reality struck, we will soon realised that life will not always be the way we want it to be. We cannot always have our cake and eat it. Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. Ask me what is Love Diary, and I would say love is like a puzzle. When you're in love, all the pieces fit but when your heart gets broken, it takes a while to get everything back together. I am not sure if I am ready to go through that phase again in my life because I am still recovering from all the hurt and pain. There is only one thing that I have learnt from the pain; I have to embrace it and burn it as fuel for my next journey with or without Flying Babe.
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PS: I love you…Flying Babe.

Looking Lost Looking for it...

Dear Diary,

I slept at four in the morning last night and I am feeling the side effect of it. I was supposed to go to putrajaya to send the stocks but I just couldn’t wake up. I asked Gummy Bear to give me a morning call at six thinking I would be able to wake up at just one phone call but it took three phone calls from her to wake me up. I answered her third call but I went to sleep immediately after that. Well, when I slept at four and received a morning call at six, who would have expected I could be awake by then? Only superwoman can do that and I am no superwoman.
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I finally got up at half past nine and text Gummy Bear telling her that I will be late. I have an appointment with her to go to the college I was supposed to register for the course I am interested in and guess what Diary? We didn’t find the college. I came unprepared. I didn’t bring any contact numbers and full address of the school. We were looking for it like as though we were in a treasure hunt or something looking for clues to the whereabouts of the next puzzle. We asked people for directions and we literally walked at the same place repeatedly many times till I could remember the faces of every shop vendor. We were like tourist except that we looked locals. I got frustrated and lost my temper a little at my silliness for coming unprepared. Gummy bear was cool as ice. She comforted me and calmed me down. I didn’t really lose my temper but I just got frustrated with myself and the fact that we were there but we couldn’t find it. We had lunch at Mcdonalds and we talked some more. Gummy Bear kept asking me about my love life which I just hate so much to answer. Everytime she did that I felt like shoving up my Big Mac into her mouth. I stared at the empty space infront of me for a while and imagined Gummy Bear with my Big Mac in her mouth. Can you imagine that Diary? It started to annoy me and I got irritated. I managed not to get rude with her. You know if I were just being myself I could have just told her off. But Gummy Bear is just being Gummy Bear. She is too kind for me to be rude to her. I held back my boldness.
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I decided not to go on with my agenda after lunch. I didn’t want to waste my time walking aimlessly like a lost tourist. Furthermore it was hot and I was sweating. I looked at Gummy Bear and she was sweating too. I laughed at her happily. Looking at her sweating was so fun. She tried hard to wipe her sweat but she just kept on sweating. I could see that her neck was sweaty and her hair got all messed up. I laughed and I laughed hard. She was cute and she just made me happy. I decided to go to Bukit Bintang to look for cameras. I have a friend working selling cameras and I thought I could get some good offers from her but when we were there, she was not working. Apparently she was on her day off. I didn’t call her first because I just spoke to her on the phone yesterday and she told me she will not be having any day off this week. I figured she would be working daily so that’s why I came unnoticed. I did look at some of the cameras there. I have an eye on DSLR cameras and I am still deciding to buy or not to buy. My digital camera is out of date actually. It is the first generation of digital camera from Olympus and it is still working fine! But I just want to own a DSLR camera. I think that it is fancy and looking at how I have a sudden interest in photography, I think I might just get it. It would be Sony or Canon. I already bought a camera bag when I was in Batam and the bag looks so lonely and gloomy being empty. A DSLR camera would look nice in it.
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I sent Gummy Bear back to her hostel and like the first time, we talked a bit in the car. I was feeling so sleepy that I wished I was in my bed. The feeling was unbearable. All I needed at that time was to get some sleep. I waited and hoped that Gummy Bear would just stop talking and leave so that I could drive off to home and throw myself in my bed and drool like I always do but she just kept on sitting and expecting me to talk to her. How in the world can I think of something to talk when my brain is half asleep? But I just couldn’t chase her away Diary. She was kind enough to accompany me, didn’t lose her cool when we couldn’t find the college, didn’t make a big fuss when I decided to take the train to Bukit Bintang and leave my car parked, didn’t complain when she was sweating like as if she just came out of the oven and most of all she didn’t mind my playful teasing. I couldn’t get angry with this person with angelic characters. I decided to laugh so I could distract myself from being sleepy. I teased her a lot in the car and she just allowed me to. That’s Gummy Bear Diary, she just laughed at my silly teasing and that’s what I like about her. She allows me to get crazy without going overboard with the teasing. She’s fun to be with and yes, I didn’t feel sleepy anymore. And just when I was about to feel rejuvenated again, she asked me again about my love life, for a second I almost lost it. I told her off but in a very spontaneous way. She got my message and she understood. But we still laughed at it. We still smiled at it. When she finally got out of the car, I drove off and I went home singing “Use Somebody”…it is a good song Diary. I like it very much.

Yo Gummy Bear!! You're So Fine!

Dear Diary,
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I spent my time at Mid Valley last Friday with my friend whom I have decided to call Gummy Bear. I am calling her Gummy Bear because she reminds me of the cartoon series which was quite popular back in the 1980’s. Gummy Bear and I have known each other for six years now but last Friday was the time we meet each other for the first time. I honestly have forgotten how did we come about the meeting but it was rather spontaneous. You know how I keep in touch with my friends online nowadays don’t you Diary? I love my laptop more now because most of my best friends are in it. Does that sound silly Diary? I communicate with my friends virtually nowadays. It’s like back to the times when I first started to get to know the internet. It keeps me busy and it kinds of distract me from the bitterness that I have tasted in 2008.
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I fetched Gummy Bear from her school and the minute I saw her, we just got comfortable with each other. It is probably because we have talked a lot to each other. Although we have not met we were not awkward during the first meeting. She is a nice woman, very kind and sincere and that’s what I like about her. I can just talk anything to her. I teased her a bit and we both laughed at it. It was a very playful meeting. All I wanted to do was to let my hair down and I did. It was good for me because I really managed to de stress myself.
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We went karaoke and it was so hilarious! I had a good laugh at our silliness. We were not just singing but we were laughing our hearts out. Oh Diary, you should have been there. She took photos of me while I made faces at the camera. We did nothing but just being girls. Have you heard of the song ‘Girls Just Want to have Fun’? Yes Diary, that was what we did. I was the most mischievious one. Everytime she sings, I pretended to snap picture of her and she would try to get hold of the camera to delete her picture thinking that I really did take her pictures. And you know what I did Diary? I ran and I kept the camera away from her and she would poke her fingers at my tummy and that just tickled me. I punched her on the shoulder playfully and I sat on her lap. She tried pushing me away and the more she tried the more I teased her. She is cute Diary; it’s like a session of teasing instead of karaoke. She laughs easily and hearing her laughter, I laughed along with her.
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I didn’t do my best singing this time because I was too busy losing myself. I guess I really let my hair down and for once I totally forgot how to sing well like how I usually do when I go karaoke. There was a time when I couldn’t reach the high note in a song and my voice just went berserk and we had a good laugh at it. You know Diary; it has really been awhile since I became playful. I never had such fun even when I was with Infinity during karaoke. Gummy Bear tickled every part of my sense of laughter. I think I sang more songs that she did but that’s ok because she couldn’t really sing and everytime she had the microphone, I kept giggling and she would try to pinch me. But it was true Diary; you should have listened to how she sang. The first time she sang, I burst out laughing and I just couldn’t stop because she too laughed at it. Do you get what I mean now Diary? We were not serious about anything and everything during the karaoke and that makes it even more fun!
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We went to Borders after that and I wanted to look for the tetra logy of Laskar Pelangi by Andrea Hirata. It only had one of his books and it was sold out. So I went browsing for something else and I ended up buying three English books and I stumbled upon one book in Malay that caught my attention. I couldn’t get my eyes off it because it is a true story and I have strong weakness for true story so Gummy Bear bought it for me. I was just teasing her to buy it for me. Honestly I didn’t expect her to buy for me but she did. I tried to stop her from paying but she really insisted to pay so I reluctantly let her. The book’s title is ‘Atas Nama Cinta’ by Isa Kamari. It is a true story of a Dutch girl named Nadra whose real name is Maria Hertogh. Maria was raised by a Malay woman, Aminah as a Muslim during World War II and that’s how the story begins. I have seven unread books to my collections now Diary and I really wonder if I am adding anymore to it.
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After Borders, we had donuts at Big Apple and I bought some donuts for us. Big Apple always reminds me of Flying Babe. I remember the times we would spend our time getting our fingers and mouth dirtied with melted chocolate from the donuts. We would always go there after my gym session if she was not flying but all that is left now are just memories. Sometimes, I wished I could repeat those moments again but I know some things are better left where they belong. Like Gummy Bear knows what was on my mind, she asked what happened to my love life. I laughed at her question and I brushed it aside. I just didn’t want to talk about it. I am tired to think about it. I don’t know how to begin telling the story anymore. I still have her pictures where they are. The only thing that remains different is that I have not written to her for a month now. It is very unlikely of me but I think I might write to her one of these days. Gummy Bear understood my laughter and she stopped asking and we talked about something else.
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We went to the movies after donuts. It was a happy day out Diary. I guess first of all, I was comfortable with Gummy Bear and she was probably feeling the same too with me. While waiting for the movie to start, we talked a bit and the teasing and playing continued. We giggled and we laughed. It was crazy. The fact about Gummy Bear is, she is humble and I like it. She seems kind and you know that she would be the person that you want to talk to when you are sad because you just know she is comforting. I guess that’s the character that she has been blessed with. While I am just the broken hearted, lonely but healing in denial state woman. *chuckles* Whatever that means Diary.
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The movie was great. We chose the double seat so that no one else could sit beside us. I thought we could have the privacy that we would and enjoy the movie in silence but the couple behind us was noisy. They were the kind that has to comment on everything that happened in the movie to each other. Believe me Diary, it was annoying and I felt like shoving up cucumbers into their mouth everytime they made comments about the movie. I kept my cool but they have pushed my button and I turned around and gave the husband a blank stare for 10 seconds before looking away. I thought I scared the husband away but I didn’t and they continued their comments to each other. I think I am not that scary anymore Diary. *Chuckles* we ended up having to watch the movie with the extra sounds at the background from the unpaid unprofessional commentators.
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We had dinner after the movie and I sent Gummy Bear back. We talked awhile in the car and she told me she had fun. Well, yeah I had fun too Diary. At least it was a happy outing even if it was just a simple one. Hey Gummy Bear, you have made my day on Friday!! Boo yaahh!!!

My Faraway Auntie...

Dear Diary,
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I was watching ‘Desperate Housewives’ on TV and the old woman who is Edie’s next door neighbour suddenly reminds me of an old woman I used to know from my days in Singapore. *Pause* Diary, as I am writing this down, I just realized that I didn’t get her name at all. All those while, I just called her ‘Auntie’ because she is way much older than I am and calling her ‘Auntie’ seems very appropriate. I am feeling a bit uneasy with myself now that I came to realized I didn’t even ask her name.
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Diary, I miss her and I am wondering how she is doing now. It has been three years since I last saw her and I hope and pray that she is in the pink of health. Auntie worked at the office where I used to work. She was the cleaner there. She came daily and stayed for about an hour or so to make sure the office was cleat, tidy and neat. Every morning she would come and she would greet me with her smile and spent her time chatting with me before my boss came in. She never fails to chat with me whenever my boss was not around. She always had something to talk about that made me wonder at times if there is a day that she will not have anything to talk about. Do not get me wrong Diary, I have always been appreciative towards her intentions sharing her stories with me but I have to admit that it can get to me sometimes.
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Auntie lives alone by herself in a rented flat. She survives on her own doing cleaning jobs at offices. Her husband has been dead for years and she has a son whom she did not raise. Her husband passed on when her son was a year old. When her husband died, she had to go to work to put food on the table for herself and her son. In order to make a living, she had to leave her son under the care of her sister in law. In the beginning, it was just day care service that her sister in law rendered but as her son grew older, she had to unofficially give her sister in law full custody of her son. But she still carries out her responsibility as a mother by giving her son monthly allowance for food and studies even when her son has reached an age where he no longer needs financial support from his mother.
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Auntie often told me stories of her son. She said her son is not a person with normal IQ level. Her son is ‘slow’. That was how she described her son. I didn’t really understand when she described her son as ‘slow’ but I guess when a person is being described as ‘slow’ what else could it be if it is not related to the level of IQ? At the age of sixty, Auntie still works hard to earn and save every penny so that she could still give some to her son. Her son is her priority and she thinks of herself second after her son.
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Sometimes, I bought lunch for her and I could see the feeling of pure gratitude in her eyes when I gave her the lunch. Didn’t matter what it was as long as they were food to fill her empty stomach, it was enough to make her happy. She told me her son is not attached to her. There was a day when she was walking in the street and ran into her son but before she could came up to her son to chat up with him, her son walked away pretending not to notice her. I looked at her face when she told me that story and I could sense that she was sad beyond description. I couldn’t think of anything that I could say to make her feel better. I wished I would have said something to ease her pain and disappointment. All I could think at that time was how could a son do that to his parent? It was not like Auntie had given up on him to go after her own dreams and goals. Auntie had to do what she had to do so that he could have a comfortable life and get an education. Did he not understand all that?
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Diary, I am wondering how she is doing right now. It has been three years since I last met her. I wonder how she has been and if she is well and healthy. I miss talking to her, listening to her stories and hearing her theories on life. I just wished I could do more for her. I should have been a friend to her instead of just a girl in the office whom she talked to. I hope her son has realized the reasons why she had to give him to his aunt instead of blaming her on why she gave him away. I hope someday he will take care of her come what may because after all, she is still his flesh and blood.

May You Be Blessed Minah Rempit...

Dear Diary,
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I think it is better to mind my own business from today onwards. I will just stick to the people I want to be close with and just stay away from the people who are nothing but toxic. It is so taxing to entertain people like that. Do you remember Minah Rempit Diary? It has been a few weeks that I have not heard from her. I didn’t call her neither did she call me. The last time I heard about her was that she is now living with her family at their family house. I know where it is, I have been there and I have met almost all her family members. That’s how I got to know her family background.
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So the story now is she is living with her family and thus she need not worry about not having a place to live anymore. I assume she need not have to care about not having food to eat as well. When you are living with your family, those are the things that you just don’t have to be concerned about because you know shelter and food are somehow being provided by the other elderly in the house. You don’t even have to pay rent, don’t have to be troubled about anything and everything at all because everything is made available and you don’t have to pay for it. I am assuming life is easy for her now because she is in her comfort zone under the wings of her grandmother who brought her up.
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Sometimes when I looked back, I asked myself if I had made the right decision by withdrawing the police report. I probably did. But I cannot deny that I am still a little bit affected by the whole incident. She promised to repay me back the money that she had stolen and the stuffs of mine that she failed to return. It was about RM1700 in all including the cash. She was remorseful as usual, that is how she was the first time I caught her stealing my stuffs. Somehow I have learnt that it was easy for her to play ‘sorry and remorse’ after every wrong that she did. If there was an award for ‘Best Spontaneous Ugly Unpopular Actress Award’, I am positive that she would have won it.
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The first time I contacted her after she left the house; she was supposed to start work on Monday in Kuala Lumpur. She was then living with her friend. She was in a terrible state at that time. She had no money, no friends, no family, no home and no pride. Now Diary, let me tell you something about life that I have learnt from my experience. When you think you have nothing in the world to live for anymore, it isn’t that difficult for you to feel remorseful. To be remorseful and sorry for your own circumstances is definitely not a tall order when you are at your rock bottom. That was how she felt therefore she made promises to me about paying back whatever that she has stolen from me. Diary, I am just going to use ‘steal, stole, stolen’ as the description of her action. I am not going to use ‘take, took, taken’ because she took my belongings from me without having my permission so that is stealing.
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Diary, I didn’t bother about her promise but somehow I have to admit to you that I wished I could have gotten every single thing that she had taken from me but I didn’t. Some of the items she stole from me were given to me as gifts and they contained sentimental values. I intended to let it go but she insisted that I would believe her when she made that promised. I didn’t buy it. She told me that she would want to get a job immediately so that she could make a living and start to save money to pay back her debts to me. Again, I didn’t buy it but naturally as someone who has known her true colours, I was curious to know if she had really intended what she said. I waited for the day to come when she was supposed to start work. When the day came, she couldn’t be contacted. My calls were not returned and my texts were not replied. I let it be until Secret Recipe told me of the latest news about her.
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Any latest news about Minah Rempit, I knew from Secret Recipe. I didn’t ask nor did I hire Secret Recipe to inform me about Minah Rempit but it seems to me that Secret Recipe likes to share news about that with me. I have heard that Minah Rempit went back to her family house to seek shelter and she had found herself a job and was going to start work on Monday on Thaipusam. This was last week. And to my disgust Diary, just about yesterday Secret Recipe told me that she had just met with Minah Rempit and she had not start work yet. This was due to her wanting to wait until her brother’s wedding is over. Can you see the pattern now Diary? How on earth am I supposed to be easy about what she had done to me? I feel like I have been taken like a fool. Not only that she did not make an effort to make contact with me but she is also taking her promise lightly to me.
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I knew it all along that she couldn’t repay what she owes me in one lump sum therefore I gave her a grace period for her to do that. I had expected her to be thankful and at least appreciative by going to work immediately as soon as she has found a job but she didn’t giving all kinds of reasons and excuses. She didn’t even have the decent courtesy to inform me and explain. Now Diary, tell me have I not been fair to her? Have I been cruel to her? All I ask for is some courtesy, just some decent courtesy from her. Even that, she couldn’t do. I could easily leave her alone and let this matter go to rest if I hadn’t heard any news about her. But since I have heard about her from Secret Recipe, how can I not say something about it? I believe I have the right because she owes me a lot. She owes me money, belongings and explanations. I snapped at Secret Recipe for updating me about Minah Rempit’s news. I guess it is only natural for me to do that. Secret Recipe wouldn’t know what and how I would be feeling because she is not in my shoes. Of course it is easy for her. They were not her money and belongings. She didn’t need to feel the sense of loss. All she could afford to say was she didn’t understand why I snapped at her. Yeah Diary…Of course she couldn’t understand.
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I didn’t want to believe Minah Rempit at all anymore Diary. I guess I will just play by my own rule. I will wait until the end of February and if she still does not call me to explain, then I will consider that she is nothing but a cheap low life liar. I may have withdrawn the police report but I shall not forgive her and I shall not approve of anything that she has taken from me which has become her flesh and blood. May she rest in peace.

My Kampung Playmate...

Dear Diary,

I didn’t tell you about the story of the calf back at kampong. Did you know that when I saw him outside the house, I washed my face, brushed my teeth and immediately went outside to take a closer look at him. He was smaller then the other two so I assumed that he was younger. He was not tied to the tree but he didn’t go far from his mother either. He was just roaming around near to his mother to feed on the milk. I was told that he is only two months old. That explains why he is so curious when I came near him. I was excited to touch him because I have never touched a cow before. I really wonder how it feels like to touch them. When I came near him, he looked at me and he walked closer to me as if he wanted me to rub his head. I was scared Diary, I was afraid that he was trying to knock me down or something. I do not really know the body language of a cow for that matter. But it was interesting to be near them without any threat.
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The calf followed me wherever I went Diary. I walked towards the road and he followed me from the back. When I stopped he stopped too and he came closer to me again trying to make me rub his head. I just couldn’t do it because I was afraid. He seems so tame but yet I was afraid. I guess I am just not used to it. When I walked into the porch, he followed me and he actually stopped near mum’s plants and guessed what Diary? He ate a flower from one of mum’s collections. I laughed hard looking at it. It was so cute and so innocent of him. He is just an animal Diary. And I really didn’t know if I had to stop him or not. He seems harmless and adorable. When he was eating the flower, I took my chance to rub his back and it felt good. I had both my palms on his back and Diary, believe me the feeling was pure sensation. It was even more thrilling than touching the back of any women I have been with!! Curse me Diary but it is the truth. Ha ha ha
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I took a pail of water to feed the calf. He came closer to the pail and sip the water. He was thirsty Diary. Surprisingly they didn’t smell at all. They were clean and I don’t remember having to sniff any foul smell coming from them. They have been well taken care of and I am impressed. I played with the calf for awhile until someone came to take them away. It was a sad moment to see them leave. I wanted to play with them some more but my time with them was short lived. I watched them leave and I hope in my heart that they will be there again whenever I come back because I have just grown to enjoy their company.

Take care my kampung playmate...

Woke Up To The Sound Of Nature...

Dear Diary,
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Please accept my apologies for not writing to you for the past few days. I was away and internet connection was not at my convenience. I was in Muar and I brought my laptop together with my maxis broadband but I was disappointed. Maxis broadband didn’t impress me. I thought I could get online when I was there but I couldn’t. There was not even a bar of reception. I plugged the USB modem into the port and I waited anxiously for the signal to appear but it didn’t. I was like a kid waiting and hoping for the ice cream man to come only to be disappointed. There I was sitting by the laptop anxious for some miracle to happen, every blink of the light from the modem gave my heart hope that I could get connected but all in vain. I waited until I knew I had to give it up.
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How has it been going for you Diary? Has it been good? I am doing fine and I must say that I had a great time in Muar. I drove mum and dad and there were only the three of us. Bro didn’t come along because he was busy studying for his whatever, that I just couldn’t bother to find out. He was always busy studying you know. He already got his degree in engineering and he took a second degree in psychology and just about today I heard him telling mum that he wants to take his master soon after he graduated with his second degree. He is applying for the post of psychiatric position at the Singapore Institute of Mental Health. And I said to myself, oh great now I will have two family members working there and I am sure I will have plenty to hear from them, stories of their days at work. Those will be like my bedtime stories and I can imagine myself trying to look interested listening to their stories. I am picturing mum telling me her share of the stories with her expressions and actions and I am supposed to look very engrossed with my eyes wide open, jaws gawking and the expression in my face must look entertained. Oh Diary, that really was a tall order.
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I woke up on Sunday morning to the sound of a cow mooing. I thought I was still asleep and that sound was in my sleep but I only realized the sound came from the outside of my home when I saw the head of a cow peeping at me through the gate of my house’s compound. It was black in colour and for a second I thought I was in a horror movie or something. Mind you Diary, when that was the first thing you saw after you opened your eyes from a deep sound sleep, you cannot imagine of anything else except for the most silly, out of the box, strange and weird things. I looked around me and I didn’t see anyone else. The radio was playing at its almost maximum volume. That must be the work of mum, she always does that and I hate that about her very much. Sometimes I wish I could just tell her in the face to be considerate to those who are still sleeping. But then again, knowing mum, I knew she wouldn’t be appreciative of such reminder. To her, any women regardless married or not must be up from bed as early as six in the morning. If we are still not up yet, she will not wake us up personally but she will use anything and everything under her nose as tools to act as the alarm clock. Oh Diary, I really know mum too well. This time, she uses the radio and Diary, I could just smash the radio so hard if I were still a teenager but I am no longer a teenager now. I am a youth and probably one with high level of tolerance.
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I got up still looking outside my house fixing my eyes at the spot where I saw the head of the cow. It was not there. I looked hard again at that spot and yes, there it was but in a different form. I rubbed my eyes and I looked outside again and I saw the body of a calf which is white in colour. I got even more confused and asked myself, how could a cow whose head is black in colour has a cream coloured body? It was so unusual the combination of colours. I walked closer to the door and I realized that there were three of them altogether. There were the female and male cows and there was this one calf. The female and male cows were tied to the trees, so they really couldn’t roam freely but the calf was free. You know Diary, when I saw them I was such a happy woman. I was jumping with excitement and joy was in the air. My goodness Diary, tell me where in Singapore would I get surprises this kind in the morning after sleep? Nowhere! Yeah Diary, it was such a perfect morning being greeted with nothing else but pure nature, the sounds of birds singing, the wind blowing in my face and the sound of the cows echoing through the living room. If anyone would have asked if I feel that I am blessed, yes Diary, I feel that I am blessed at this slightest celebration of being served nature at my doorstep.

Reliving The Life To Avoid Lonesomeness

Dear Diary,
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I woke up at nine in the morning today feeling very hungry and feverish. I have come down with fever for two days now and it is still not going away. I took my medicine last night after dinner and I felt better after that. My head feels so heavy now that I think it can just topple off my body. When I walked, I had to hold my head so that I won’t feel the excruciating pain that is pounding on my head. Why is it so bad this time? I think I have been depriving myself from sleep lately and thus the bad headache. I am sure I haven’t been thinking a lot, it is just the lack of sleep that is making me dizzy all the time.
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I have not eaten Diary, and I am so hungry now that I think I can eat a horse. All these talk about being hungry and eating a horse reminds me of flying babe. When I was courting her, every time I told her I am eating, she will for all time tells me to eat for her as well. This reflection about her makes me smile bringing me back to the time when she and I were once lovable. I wished that I hadn’t make her mine so we could still be friends right now and enjoy the intimate friendship we once had.
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I have not written to her since the last letters she received. I guess I have other things that have been keeping my self busy lately. When I was alone and by myself, I looked back and reminisce at my life. I didn’t have any partner and I do things mostly alone but I didn’t feel lonely at all. Not once in my life I have ever felt lonely in Singapore. I paused and reflect hard, it was probably because I had my family with me and I always had something to do every time I came back home. One thing for sure, I did not come home to an empty home, I came home to my family. My parents were always there to greet me and dinner was always served on time. I didn’t have to look for dinner myself. Apart from the families, there were Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat. Do you remember them Diary? They are our extended family members that do not only come with skin but with fur, hair and four legs as well.
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Every time I came back home, I had dinner served for me, my family was there, the extended family members were there, I had a television with cable networks in my room and like those were not enough, I had my desktop and laptop with wireless internet connection at home, in my room. Do you see where am I taking you Diary? I am trying to tell you that those are the things that help me not to feel lonely or bored at home while I was in Singapore. I think, I may be able to have some of those stuffs back at my home in Subang to avoid the feeling of lonesomeness. Perhaps I can work something out now that I am back to living alone.
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I may not be able to have my family at home in Subang, but I can have the extended families here with me, subscribe to Astro and continue my subscription to Maxis Broadband and probably, buy stocks of food to keep at home so I can have dinner anytime I want whenever I am home. But of course I do have to bear I mind that Astro is only working when it is sunny and it is hopeless when it is raining since I have gotten so used to the excellent service of Singapore Cable Vision come rain or shine, I might want to constantly remind myself about that.
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I will probably buy a kitten or just adopt a cat to continue the tradition of my family of family extension. I believe that will do me good in the long run except that I must make sure if I fall in love again, she must be a cat lover so that I won’t be having trouble trying to juggle between my extended family and her. I had a kitten last time Diary, and I named her Hang Kasturi. Infinity is not a cat lover and there were some conflicts of interest that I had to handle when we stayed together. I guess, love always will prevail between anything else. I had to let go of Kasturi and I still wonder how she is doing now. Thinking back, I have done quite a lot just to make Infinity happy and comfortable at the expense of my own inner feelings. That is why Diary, I have constantly told you how Infinity fails to take care of my soul. She may provide me with all the conveniences but deep down inside, she fails to see that it is true understanding that I am asking for.
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Oh Diary, my heart has just sunk a further centimeter down under…blup..blup…blup….

Letting Go of Bad Memories

Dear Diary,
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I am listening to Billy Joel, In The Middle of the Night as I am writing down my thoughts to you. I love this song and it is one of the songs that I had a dream of singing acapella in front of the audience with my group of lessies friends. *chuckles* I have always been daydreaming Diary, you know how I can get when I have a few minutes of time to my own don’t you? I would allow myself to slip away for awhile into the world of fantasies leaving reality behind. I would indulge myself in a series of imaginations that run so wild that only the people with the highest and wildest level of imaginations could ever think of.
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I miss you Diary. I have never missed you so much like this before. I have so much to say to you but I don’t know how to write anymore. Every time I am writing to you, there will always be something that will distract me and it is affecting my momentum. Oh Diary, it is really not easy to write nowadays. I am just afraid that I might lose it someday. I had nasi lemak for breakfast today courtesy of mum. It didn’t taste that good and I didn’t finish it. The house is quiet now. I am not watching the television neither am I listening to songs from my laptop anymore. The only sound that I hear now is the sound of my keyboard.
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I had a short conversation with Infinity last night. She said ‘Hi’ and it all started from there. The conversation was all about the business we share. Now that I am mostly in Singapore, the stall has no one to manage except for the staffs. I have told her to collect the sales money regularly while I am gone. I also told her about the recent incidents that happened concerning the stall. Infinity asked if I had taken any actions about it. I told her that I have made a police report about it but I had withdrawn the report. Infinity seems upset about my actions. She said if I had withdrawn the report then it is as good as not taking any actions against the culprit. I remained silent and let her do her talking. She does have a right as she is the shareholder so I didn’t interrupt. I guess she realized that I didn’t quite agree with her and so she stopped talking.
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I understand her dissatisfactions and her anger when she listens to my story but I just don’t understand why people make judgments and passed remarks easily. I am still disappointed with Infinity for many reasons. Yes Diary, I have gotten over her but to forget the things she did while we were together is a tall order. I have always missed her company because she never left me alone or make me feel lonely. She was always there for me, but keeping me company always involve her entourage. Do not get me wrong Diary, I have nothing against her entourage but when it gets too often it can be an eye sore and a heart ache. It is true what the ideology of being married to a Malay says, when you get married to a Malay, you not only marry him/her, but you are also marrying his/her family. I shall not elaborate further Diary. Being adult I guess you should have known what I have gone through. It was quite an experience and I have learnt a lot from Infinity. Whatever happened in the house, I tolerated for two years. I was cool about it for as long as I can because my love for Infinity was as strong as superman and was as big as Kuala Lumpur International Airport. Everything that happened under my nose in the house, I disregarded it. I never thought that people would take advantage of it or would take me for granted. I never thought that people would make decisions without taking the welfare and feelings of the rest of the tenants in the house who are also paying rent into considerations.
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It was quite difficult for me living there. I had a house which I couldn’t call my home and that’s the saddest part of it all. Infinity was always there for me but I have never felt that she cared about my inner feelings. Perhaps I was expecting too much from her. She provided me with all the conveniences that she could. I never have to worry about anything and everything at all because I knew I had her. She was my saviour; she was the person I turned to when I was in need. It is beyond descriptions the things she did for me. Diary, she was a kind woman you know. And I thought her kindness would be extended to making sure I was feeling alright about everything in the house or to the times when we went out with her friends.
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I still remember the time we went out to karaoke with her friends. They were all men, straight men who were out for fun without the supervisions of their respective wives. We were in the car and I sat at the back on the left while Infinity sat in the center with Mr. Cheeky on the right. I had noticed that Mr. Cheeky was trying to get cheeky with Infinity. Making conversations with her and teasing her playing the mischievous role. I didn’t really take offence because we had to act that we were straights. This is the problem with her friends who are straights mostly. We didn’t have the liberty to be who we really are to each other. It always had to love behind closed doors when it comes to her friends. You know that she was straight before Diary, thus she hardly has any friends who are on the same boat as us. It was worst during the karaoke session. Imagine this Diary, Mr. Cheeky was really getting all cheeky, intimate and touchy with Infinity right in front of my eyes and I was supposed to be cool about it. What was I supposed to do? Infinity being herself was cool about it, but she really couldn’t push away Mr. Cheeky because I assumed she was thinking of her rice bowl too. You know Mr. Cheeky had given Infinity a couple of projects and I guessed that’s why it was also hard for Infinity.
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Anyhow, I have always believe that if you live by your principles and act on it, people will not dare or be bold enough to do that things to you. Respect has to be earned and not bought. I was pissed off and disappointed to the core Diary. There were no words in my vocabulary list that I can use to describe how I was feeling that night. I walked away from the room and left early. I waited for them outside the karaoke breathing in fresh air hoping that it will calm me down. They sent us to our car and we drove home. I was silent and I didn’t say a word to Infinity on the way home. I guessed she got impatient with me thinking that I embarrassed her in front of her potential business partners. Diary, I couldn’t help it. I swear to God that if I can do a miracle, I would turn myself into someone with no feelings or concern over the people I love so that I wouldn’t be jealous or angry watching that low life Mr. Cheeky getting all cheeky with my partner. But I can’t because after all, I am only human that has been blessed with the spirit of love towards the woman I chose to love; Infinity. Was it wrong for me to behave that way? Was it unnatural for me to react the way I reacted?
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We fought in the car, and I got out of the car in anger and resentment. In that process, I lost the parking coupon and so Infinity couldn’t get out of the car park. I couldn’t call anybody because my battery to my cell phone was dead. It was a lucky thing that we parked the car close to home. It was about two kilometers from home I think. I had no choice but to walk home. On my way home, I saw Infinity in her brother’s car going back home. That’s the thing about her Diary. She has her family around her. They are just a phone call away from help. My family is in Singapore and I only have my relatives and friends here and I am not the kind who is comfortable seeking help from them. Therefore, I walked home feeling very sad about the whole incident. I never blamed Infinity about it, it’s just that I asked myself, would I be doing that to her if I were in her shoes? I don’t think so Diary because I know it hurts and I will never allow my friends to disrespect my partner like that.

I Have Made It Now...

Dear Diary,
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I was supposed to go to the bank this morning but I didn’t. Mum called and asked if I wanted to meet her somewhere but I turned down the offer because I was feeling so very sleepy still although it was already nine in the morning. I hung up the phone and I went back to sleep until I heard the door bell. I was actually dreaming and I thought the door bell I heard was in my dream until I realized that it was my mum at the door. I woke up and walked like a zombie to open the door. Frankly, I didn’t care if mum would be upset with me for still sleeping at the hour. I just couldn’t be bothered anymore to hear her nag. Surprisingly, she didn’t nag at me neither was she upset. She entered the house and put away her stuffs and told me to do the laundry and clean the house and she went to sleep. That was easy I said to myself half asleep.
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It was straightforward Diary. I didn’t expect it was going to be trouble-free like that. Knowing how my mum is, it never came across my mind that she would react that way. Typically, she would nag at me at the top of her voice if she still finds me in my bed at a time where she deems I should have been up from bed. This time around, she didn’t nag and I was pleased indeed.
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How was your day Diary? I hope you had a good day because I certainly did although I felt a little uncomfortable at my neck. I don’t know what’s wrong with it. I feel a little stiff at my neck area and it is quite annoying. I am still able to turn right, left, up and down but it is not usual to feel this way. I am sleepy Diary but I want to write to you because I feel that I have to tell you some story tonight.
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I did the laundry today, I vacuumed, I mop and all the other household chores today. Mum woke up to a cleaner, tidier and nicer home. And guess what Diary? I took my shower early today and I felt good. You know how I dread to take shower don’t you? Gosh…broken angel already knew that about me. I think that’s the first thing about me that she noticed. You know, she never failed to ask if I had taken my shower or not and it just made me feel so attached to her every time she does that. She seems concern about my well being. She seems caring towards me. She never fails to ask if I had taken my meals or if I am tired and stuffs like that. You get what I mean Diary? She has touched my heart you know and I can feel it right here.
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I thought about flying babe a little today. I stared at the ceiling while lying down and I thought about her. I wondered what would she be doing and if she is thinking about me too like how I am thinking about her. I don’t know how I feel towards her anymore. I feel angry towards her most of the times nowadays. I am angry because of how I believe she thought about me that led to the break up. Being myself, I let it be and the pain is sinking in slowly. I just cannot describe anymore about things with her. I am tired Diary. I wish all these wouldn’t have happened. I cannot deny that I still do think of her sometimes but I know times have changed and I have to move on. I am feeling okay now. I cannot say that I am over her but I know for sure that I am over Infinity. It is not like I have totally forgotten Infinity. I am still remembering her but without that same old feelings anymore. I do not feel it anymore…I think the feelings have just disappear into thin air. I have done it this time. I want to congratulate myself. I am over her Diary.

Say A Little Prayer

Dear Diary,
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I spent my time with my parents yesterday. I woke up at ten and I got online immediately. It is so crazy with how things are nowadays Diary. Broken angel has always been on my mind and I have gotten so used to her company. Even though the friendship I have built with her is merely 2 weeks old but I feel so connected to her. It is probably because she is the only person that I chat with intimately online nowadays. Allow me to emphasize to you that it is not about love Diary, it is more than that. Do you get what I mean? It is like having a best friend that you can share everything with. Only that the friend I have now is without a face. You feel good telling her about everything in your life without having to worry about the consequences.
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You know why I find her attractive Diary? I don’t know how to describe but you know how it feels like when you meet someone that gives you some kind of an excitement? That’s how I feel. I feel comfortable talking to her allowing me to be what I really am. I never hide the truth from her. I never put up an act when I chat with her. She lets me be myself and the things she said don’t make me feel that I have to pretend. She seems tolerable with my outspoken attitude because she is submissive and that’s what I like about her. As I chat with her longer, the more she reveals about herself and I can see that she is beginning to trust me because I can feel that she is letting me into her world.
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I managed to chat with her for awhile yesterday before I had to log out to fetch mum from work. Dad wanted to go to Simpang Renggam to get some kueh and planned to have seafood dinner at our favorite eating place Senibong. I was actually reluctant to go because I did not want to have another session of questions and answer at the Malaysia Immigration Custom. I really do not want to go through that again because it makes me worried and restless. Bro didn’t want to go as he has other plans with his friends therefore I had no choice but to drive mum and dad into Malaysia. I got my documents ready and brought them with me in case I had to explain to them why I was entering Malaysia.
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I was busy saying prayers in my heart while I was driving. Can you believe that Diary? I was afraid that I will be stopped at the immigration. I was really hoping that I would get my passport stamped without any problems. The ride to the Malaysia Immigration Checkpoint was smooth. Traffic was light and there was no queue at all. Mum and dad took the white forms to enter Malaysia as our stock has dried up. It was about time for us to replenish the stocks but it was difficult as we only got five pieces each. It has always been like that. I have heard that some Singaporeans actually paid some money to get more white cards. I don’t know how true it is but it is a common story among us the Singaporeans. Just as I was figuring if that story was true, dad came back to the car and he had the white cards in his hand about ten centimeters thick. He smiled at me and I looked back at him grinning. I didn’t ask him how he got the white cards so many like that because somehow I knew how he got them like that.
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Having my passport stamped was not a hassle at all. I thanked God for making the process an easy one without much trouble. I drove mum and dad to Simpang Renggam to get what they are looking for. The ride was smooth and we didn’t get lost at all. The direction from my uncle was straightforward and easy to follow. We bought kueh about Rm200 worth and brought them back to Singapore. It is funny how the kueh tasted better when we sampled them there than when we eat them at home. Did they bake the kueh to taste better and nicer as samples than for sale? I can only wonder why.
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We had our seafood dinner at that favourite place. We are regulars there and are given ten to twenty percent discount every time we frequent it. That’s what it is all about when you have become regular customers and have created a bond with the owner. It is a privilege I would say. The ride home was a sleepy one. I was having this pounding headache all the way to Singapore. It was painful Diary. I think it was migraine that I had. The pain was excruciating till I had problem trying to keep my eyes open. I prayed to God to make my ride home a safe one.