Having Our Little Paradise On Earth

Dear Diary,

I am back in Singapore with my family. I have left subang jaya for two weeks now and I really wonder how my car is doing. I hope nothing has happened to it and she will be able to start easy when I come back. I think this would be the longest time I have left my car because I will only be back to subang this Saturday so that means it will be a total of eighteen days I have left my car unattended. I installed the driving wheel with the lock I bought. I know professional car thieve syndicates will not have any problem unlocking it but at least that will help deter them from trying. Furthermore, an immobilizer system is pre installed in my car but still I am not quite sure how safe it is from being a victim to car theft.

We left Tangkak at ten in the morning on Sunday. I did not drive back because my brother did not ask me to. I was more than happy and prepared to drive back but since he did not ask me to, I was somewhat disappointed. I love driving long distance. It does not tire me and I like to be behind the wheels. I guess I like to be in control of things that is why I like driving. The journey back to Singapore was smooth. We were not caught in traffic jam. I supposed we made a good decision to leave early. My brother had a company dinner to attend on that evening, thus we were not left with many choices. Nevertheless, it was a good thing though. Although I knew how much mum had wanted to stay longer, she still obliged.

Have I told you about the landscape we have in Tangkak Diary? Do you know how painstakingly we did the landscape only to find that the idea of having grass is impractical as we are hardly there? Every time we come back, we have to mow the lawn and it has really taken its toll on us. Mowing the lawn has become a routine whenever we come back. It is always about lawn mowing, grass cutting, house cleaning and whatever you can think of to keep the house spanking clean. Honestly, I have become tired of it. I want to come back to a holiday house, which I do not have to do any hard work before I am able to enjoy my time there. Furthermore, it is not as though I am going to stay for a week or two every time I am back. I guess mum and dad realized that too and decided unanimously to replace the grass with small pebble stones ceramic. I just think that the idea is brilliant!

We have all the machines and equipments Diary, you name it we have it. Right from water pressure sprayer to lawn mowers to electrical trees pruning saw to wheelbarrow, spade and whatever that a contractor must have, we have them. However, we are just lacking the skills to use them. It was exciting in the beginning because none of us have had hands on experience with the tools. Everybody was just eager and keen to try to use them. Soon, the excitement just died when fatigue took control and we just find that we are not cut out to do all those work anymore. Dad got some minor contractors to do the work for us. Dad gave him some money on Sunday before we left for him to buy the materials. In fact, he already started the renovation works on that morning. Mum was reluctant to leave when the contractors were just starting his job. She said it was a waste that she did not have the chance to cook them lunch and monitor their work. I told her we have paid them enough for them to buy a decent lunch for themselves; they probably can even afford to have a feast with the money we paid them. She nodded and got into the car.

Leaving the house, I imagined how our little landscape would look like once the renovation work is complete. With the garden lamps, stand proudly ready to light up for any onlooker and the wooden gazebo standing tall ready to shelter any passers by from rain or shine. The tress around the landscape giving a magnificent green views and the grassless landscape overlooking the not so panoramic view of the surroundings, I believe and I am sure the little landscape of ours is going to be our little paradise on earth.

The Brightest Day of My Life

Dear Diary,

I am writing to you from Tangkak in my room with a little light from the wall lamp my mum bought for me in Ikea. I have two of those lamps and each is fitted with bulbs of different colours. Dad installed the wall lamps to my wall and healso fitted the lamps with the bulbs. That is how my dad is Diary. He is the handy man in the family. His skills were passed down to my late brother but itis sad that he left us too soon otherwise there would be two handyman in the family.

I woke up early this morning all thanks to my mum. She always does that whenever and wherever she has the opportunity. I supposed she was going to cook Lodeh thismorning but the main ingredient was missing from the bag full of ingredients we packed from Singapore. upon discovering that, I believed she just had to break the news to me. I woke up to a loud knock on my door and when I hurriedly opened my door, I was welcomed by the news that we had missed the instant coconut milk.So mum couldn't start cooking because the coconut milk is the mother of all ingredients if you are cooking santan. So I walked to the toilet like a zombie, released myself, walked out of the bathroom to the vainity section of the washroom,brushed my teeth, washed my face and drove mum to the nearest shop. I didn't even bother to look at myself in the mirror because I knew i was not going to come out of the car. The shop was just a walking distance from my house and there I was struggling to keep my eyes opened. I chuckled to myself.

I think mum knows how important it is to be able to drive thus she is learning now.She has passed both her basic and final theory test and she has to fulfill 25 hours of practical driving lessons before she is able to sit for her traffic police test. I admire the determination of my mum. Even though age has catch up with her but she still has that force deep within her to be competitive and to achieve what she thinksbeneficial to her and the family. I guess she just does not want to be a burden to us.I supposed she is just making her preparations to retire and live comfortably in Malaysia. The house is built and it is fully furnished and now she is taking her driving license and I bet when she finally gets her license and moved to Tangkak, shewill buy herself a car. Well, I think by then I can afford to buy her the car. InsyaAllah, God's willing.

My dad was up early as usual like mum. They are usually up after Subuh prayer and will be awake until forever I supposed. The thing I noticed about the senior citizens is, having sufficient sleep is secondary to them. It is just amazing how they can goto bed late and be the first one to be up the next morning. I wish many times thatI have that kind of spirit or habit but it's all in vain.

When we got home from the shop, mum started cooking immediately and I helped dad with the installation of the garden lamps. There were four lamps altogether and dad wantedto install them on the fence poles. I wondered how was he going to do that when the fence has no sturdy and wide poles. The fence that we have around our house was the regular green wired fence. Now Diary, I bet you would be wondering too, but dad is just amazing. Dad has been an electrician for all his life, a contractor for about four years of his life and a building manager for twenty years. With his vast experiences, he had thought of a wonderful idea and he made it work. He brought his ideas into reality. I helped him with the fixing and installations of his little project. When it rained, we stopped for awhile. When the rain stopped, we carried on. We finished his little project by five in the evening. Mum, bro and myself helped himpacked his stuffs and we congratulated dad on his creative ideas. It was more than creative Diary, it was brilliant!!

When the sun sets and the moon rises, we switched on the switch and we saw all four lamps lit up perfectly. There was only one discrepancy that I have noticed and dad admitted this. One of the lamp tilted more to the left and it was not perfectly horizontally straight. I studied it but who could have asked him to perfect itwhen we all know he had spent all his time today from morning till evening making his little fantasy into life? Who could in his position to comment on it when we all saw how dad has sweat it out just to brighten up the garden for all to see? Dad's work is probably not perfect to the 'America's Got Talent' judges and to some people but it will forever be perfect to me. It is not because he is my dad,but it is because of the effort he puts in, the time he sacrificed, the hard work he had to endure, the energy he had to spend and the reason why he did it; to brighten the dark landscape. You know Diary, his main reason is probably to brighten the landscape but if only he knows he has brighten up each and everyoneof us little hope that someday there is some light from the garden in out home.

Seeing how brightly lit the garden now, I only wish that my late brother would still be alive so he could celebrate this special small moment of success, triumph and happiness with us. He probably is from where he is now...i supposed. I hope.

Selamat Aidiladha Abang...we all miss you so, so much.

Studying My Relationships Habits

Dear diary,
How has it been going with you? I hope you are in the pink of health and thinking of me like how I am thinking of you. I am in Singapore with my family and it is good to be back in the arms of my family. I have missed them a lot lately. Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat are like always, never greeted me when I come back. They are good and carefree as always.

I just finished writing an email to Peppermint. Oh, I have not told you about her have I Diary. Well she is someone whom I have met online and apparently, we have chatted a few years ago. She happened to be in my Facebook contacts and I just could not help but to wonder if I have known her. To stop me from wondering further, I decided to email her and ask. She replied and it all started from there. Do you see how online social networking brings old acquaintances back together? The power of technology nowadays, is just awesome.

It has been three weeks that I have stopped writing to Flying Babe. The last letter that I wrote to her I believe did not really please her. It was probably something that I said in it. I have strong feelings that she is upset with the content. The minute I got her text message, I did not feel good at all. I was worried sick about the contents of the letter until I had difficulties sleeping. It was bad Diary. I think I screwed up. I wanted to write to her again but I do not know what to say anymore. The truth is I do not know what I want out of writing to her anymore. One side of me says that I want her back in my life but the other side of me says that it is not possible. With my current situations, it is just so hard to have a relationship.

I am happy the way I am now. I am not looking for a replacement neither am I lonely. Nevertheless, I think I still love her, which is probably why it is so hard for me to move forward. I believe that I have moved on but I am still not moving forward yet. Sometimes I tried to foresee where we will be in the next five years if we had stayed together, do you know what I see Diary? I cannot say because I do not know. My romance with her was too short to even imagine anything. All I know, my heart is still with her.

Peppermint asked how does Flying Babe looks like. What can I say? She looks like a natural woman. You know Diary, Peppermint has been together with her partner for seven years. Can you believe that? Sometimes, deep down inside my heart I wish I could have something like what she has. It seems to take forever for me to feel that way or to be that way. No relationships that I have had lasted longer than three years. I am probably too difficult to be pleased. I know I am not an easy person to love. But then again, I think I just expect too much. There are many times when I have had someone who never judged me, took me the way I am but I seemed to be wanting more than that so I left them. Perhaps I am just not girlfriend material.

I am not being whinny but I am actually studying my relationships patterns and habits. My longest relationship was with Infinity, which lasted more than two, but less than three years. My shortest relationship I guessed is with Flying Babe but still it is so hard to get over her and so easy to get over Infinity. Now why is that Diary? I know but I think I will just save the story for the next entry.

I will be driving to Muar tomorrow evening. Rolly Polly is already in Perak. I kind of miss her Diary. She is the one that brings happiness to my life now other than my friends. I wonder at times if she and I had not become close like how we are now. Life is sure to be boring. I supposed I do not need love from a girlfriend anymore, but I could use some love from friends and I will focus my attentions to them more than ever now.

A Design That Does Not Serve Its Purpose

Dear diary,

I went to Nilai 3 the other day with Rolly Polly but I didn’t get to see any of the shop there. It was ironic because it was the first time I was there and I didn’t manage to buy or even window shop. You see Diary, I was not looking for any particular items or products but being there somehow will encouraged me to buy something. It is just natural like that. We left home at half past one and we got there at two in the afternoon. It was not that far from Bangi. It was just a straight drive there on the expressway. Our journey was smooth and I could say that there were no hiccups.

Since both of us had not had our lunch yet, we decided to have lunch. There was not any good eating place there. The food courts were mostly vacant and left unattended like as though the hawkers knew they have no one to impress. Looking for a place to eat while I was there made me wonder just where do the shop keepers go for their meals. Finally, we found a stall that had decent number of dishes served although nothing they had really boost my appetite but since we were handicapped on choices and varieties, we had to settle for it. We were lucky to have finished our meals early because five minutes after that, it started pouring heavily. Although we were in a sheltered almost empty food court, still the rain water managed to get to our skins. Those who were in the middle of their meals had to seek shelter from the food vendors fly sheet and of course there were also some who had to be creative; they ate their meals under their umbrellas.

Now Diary, you must be wondering why people would rush to seek for shelters at an already existing shelter. The shelter of the food court looked like it can withstand rain without any flaws but looking at its design, I just don’t get what the designers or the architect or the developer were thinking when they designed and built that shelter. It looked new and strong and sturdy, there were no holes in it due to wear and tear neither was it rusty. They looked fine and the space the shelter covers was the size of a soccer field. I studied the shelter and I realised that the shelter had gaps at the very top of the roof. There were two roofs; one on top of the other, and there were gap in between the roofs. The gap actually allows air and sun to enter into the food court so that’s how the rain got into the food court. If the gap is to ventilate the place, I can say that it’s the most stupid design of shelter I have ever encountered. First of all, the food court has not got any shutters. It was not a warehouse neither was it a futsal court or a badminton court. There was plenty of ventilation the place can get from the entrance because there were no entrances at all. If they wanted to have gaps in between roofs, then they must design gaps that hinder the rain from coming through. All I can say that it was a shoddy piece of work and I wonder did the design not went through any scrutiny before it is endorsed?

Since the shelter did not do a good job sheltering us, and the rain was too heavy to be window shopping (even with a golf size umbrella), we decided to run back to the car and drive back home. That was how I spent my Wednesday Diary. Drove about twenty minutes to Nilai 3, had lunch at a very disinteresting food court, got partially wet in a sheltered covered food court the size of a football field, ran to my car under the heavy pouring rain and then drive home. Tell me honestly, are you laughing at me now or are you shaking your head in disbelieve?

Having A Paranoid As A Housemate

Dear Diary,

I just had a bowl of mushroom soup to start the night. Being at home alone is something that I have missed so much. It’s been awhile and it sure feels different this time. Since moving out of the old house I have never really spent a lot of time alone. I always had friends coming over the house to spend the night with me or I would be sleeping over my friend’s house. I cooked myself lunch this afternoon and I had a good time enjoying it even by myself, alone.

I had a misunderstanding with Paranoid yesterday and it was all because of her paranoia. I grew sick of it and you should have seen how she tried to convince me to believe her. You know about Paranoid don’t you Diary? She is about six years younger than I am but I have never met someone young like that with that kind of mentality, attitude and personality. The more I am around her the more I get irritated by her.

I was in Tangkak last weekend with Rolly Polly and that freak housemate of mine that I named Paranoid. I didn’t have the intention to bring her along but as I was packing, she came up to me with her retard ways asking if she could tag along. I wanted to say no but knowing what she has been through I said yes. You see Diary, Paranoid may be a truly Malaysian. She was born and breed here so I supposed naturally everybody would think she would have more friends than I do. However, that isn’t the way. She has no friends. She does everything alone and that includes watching movie. She spends most of her time alone even during the weekends. She just quit her job recently because she told me she was not feeling comfortable working there. She claimed that she was harassed mentally and nobody in her office likes her that much. So since she has no job, no friends but has all the time in the world, I decided to take her along.

The trip was fine except when Paranoid did some blunders. I supposed she just does not know how to carry herself with people. When we were having dinner, she took out a fifty ringgit bill and asked me how do we pay for the food. So I said we will go dutch.

‘Eh, pakai duit aku dulu tapi kau kena bayar aku balik.’

That was what she said. I was taken aback when she said that. I got offended that moment. I just thought to myself she didn’t have to say that. Rolly Polly and I would have paid her even if she didn’t remind us. As adults we don’t do that to friends who eat at the same table with us. It is rude to be saying that. We don’t remind people to pay us back for the food we ate together. I have never done that to anybody. I don’t need to. Whatever that I have spent on food with the people I hang out with. I would just consider it as my treats if it happens that they do not pay me their share. I do not tell them now and then to pay me back. That is the art that Paranoid has to learn and I can see the reason now why she is lacking friends for comfort.

I started to ask myself if she had forgotten that I didn’t ask her to chip in for petrol and toll for the whole trip. My parents came by and took us to a delicious seafood dinner and still we didn’t even ask her to pay her share because like I said, you don’t behave like that with people you share the same food on the same table. It is just rude. Afterall we don’t see the need for her or Rolly Polly to pay their share because it is absolutely unnecessary. So you see Diary why I seriously think that Paranoid is a paranoid? She failed to see the bigger picture and she really has to learn how to carry herself in front of people before she ends up a loner and a looney.

A few days after we came back from Tangkak, Paranoid told me that she has this feeling that she is being followed or watched by people from her old office. I was speechless. She did not know who is it but she senses it from her instincts. Something happened in her old office that made her quit. She stepped on some toes and ever since then she felt that her phone was bugged, her desktop was installed with some surveillance device and ultimately her privacy was invaded, so to speak.

She has told me her plights. Initially I was sympathetic and shared her predicaments. However, after awhile I began to see that she is somehow hallucinating or something. Paranoid is known to be unusual, that’s what she is to me. I can never hang out with her. I can only take her as my housemate and anything more than that just freaks me out. We don’t share the same wavelength thus I definitely do not and will not consider her as a friend.

When she started to tell me that she feels she is being followed and those close to her might also be followed, I just cannot bring myself to stomach her theories. I couldn’t tolerate her any longer so I told her what I really think. Whatever that has happened or she thinks has happened to her is from her own creations. If she had known how to carry herself and if she had known how to handle things she wouldn’t be having any issues with anybody at her work place. I would have understood about office politics and what it is all about. Everybody has problems trying to get along with everybody in the office but you don’t have to be an individual. She tried so hard to be an individual and she ends up screwing herself. I have brought friends over to the house and out of ten; eight told me they think that my housemate is a weirdo. So you tell me now Diary, who has the problems now? If she is not part of the solutions then she is a part of the problems.

There were many things that I said to her, about how she didn’t handle the situations well when we had some problems back at the old house. She had to ask her father and her brother to talk to interfere. I was a witness of the whole chaos and I really didn’t see the need why Paranoid had to do that. She and infinity are cousins and she should have been able to handle the case but she didn’t. So that just said it all. Paranoid is not matured enough to settle things on her own. She misunderstood me several times when I tried to talk some sense into her and I just gave up. In the midst of defending and explaining herself, I slammed the door right infront of her face and I told her to go look for a shrink. Even that, she got me wrong which I am too tired to tell Diary. It is just endless with her. I will just stick to being her housemate for now.

Dark Chocolate And London

Dear Diary,

I came back to Subang Jaya last night and I saw Rolly Polly there, waiting for me. I got into the car and we gave each other a hug. We went dinner right after that. It was a simple meal but mouthful. She is trying to watch her diet so we shared a plate of fried Kuey Teow, a bowl of fish ball soup and a plate of fried bean curd skin that has a taste of fish. The meal was a real satisfaction. I supposed both of us enjoyed the meal. We didn’t talk about business instead the conversation we had were just empty talks, nothing heavy at all.

You know Diary sometimes I wonder what if one day Rolly Polly has find herself a girlfriend. Will I be able to spend my time with her like how we do nowadays? That’s the thing about having best friends when both of you are single. People can mistake you as a thing and speculations will go around about you having an affair with your own best friends. Well, you can ignore and brush off what people said but the sad thing about it all is, when one of you has find someone to love to call your own, what will happen to that friendship? I don’t know.

I got home and tried to get online. I couldn’t and it was the same error message. I tried many times to the extent that I restarted my laptop. Still I couldn’t with the same error message. I called Maxis and enquired. Apparently the line has been temporarily barred. My Maxis broadband has been registered under Dark Chocolate. I asked her a favour as I did not want to register under my own name because if I were to do so, I needed to pay extra charges just because I am a foreigner. Dark Chocolate agreed and so the deal is for me to pay my bills promptly to Maxis. You know Diary, at times I wonder to myself what would I do without friends like that. It just feels good and beautiful to have people who are willing to lend that extra help.

Dark Chocolate and I have come a long way. We have been friends for almost ten years now if I got my calculation right. We have fought, quarreled, hugged, cursed and what else have we done together? She is the friend who knows me deep inside. She knows how I have made my dreams come true, she has seen how I was when I hit rock bottom in love, she has been there with me when my brother died from cancer, she was there to give me a shoulder to cry on when I didn’t feel so good and she is still here with me even though distance separates us. There is nothing more that I would ask for from her. She has been a good friend to me and most notably she has been a good person.

Dark Chocolate is in London now. When she first broke the news to me, I felt that my heart sunk a little. Now here she is with nothing but smiles on her face, the friend that I have had in good and bad times telling me straight to my face that she is leaving Malaysia for London. What am I going to do without her? I was thinking that to myself. I didn’t show her my disappointments. I smiled back at her trying hard to look happy for her. What made up for it was the fact that she wouldn’t be long there. She told me it will only be temporary so at least I will have her around again when she comes back but when? I don’t know Diary.

Dark Chocolate is not the kind of friend that I hang out with for coffee or movies or dinner at some fancy restaurant. She is the kind of friend that I would look for when I need opinions, advice, help and most of all moral support. That’s what makes her so special even if we do not hang out that often. No matter what and where I knew deep down inside my heart she will always be there for me. That’s the kind of friend that can last for eternity. My only hope for her, she will think of me as the friend that she is to me. I told her once that I will never fall in love with her because I am afraid that I will lose her forever.

Knowing me, how much I have failed in love, I supposed she just had to agree with me. For the first time, I did not have to put in big efforts at all making her to agree with me. She knows that Diary, she knows how much I have always fancy people to agree with my opinions and suggestions because ultimately, I am a jerk. Stubborn as a bull, that’s what I am. But at that point of time when I told her that, she just agreed with me like as though she has been thinking of the same view too. I have loved her Diary, I still do and the thoughts of her right now far and away can bring tears to my eyes. But I know she is where she wants to be and she is probably doing the things she has always sought after.

“I want to be out of here, Fudge”

Yes, Diary. Those were her exact words and I knew right away she will be happy when she is in London, so I shared her happiness even though I knew I failed to look more thrilled about the news but I think I did okay, pretending to be delighted for her.

Hey Dark Chocolate in case you are reading this, please bear in mind that our camaraderie is as deep as the North Atlantic Ocean, as big as Russia, as sweet as Gula Melaka, as meaningful as the last dollar I would have in my wallet when I am broke. That is the best expression I can think of and it is original, mind you. *winks*

Missing Helplessly...

Dear Diary,

Hey….good morning to you…how are you on Monday morning? I can’t sleep. I dunno, I guess I am thinking of a lot of things lately. I miss her so much you know but I am so afraid to even call her and say that. All I do right now is to write her letters. I tell her stories in my letters and everytime she gets the letters, she would text me and tells her part of the story about what she thinks of the things I wrote in the letter. It has been a year since the break up but I am still embracing the pain. How can I move on when I am still in love with her? You tell me…

Sometimes, I feel so helpless missing her so badly like this but what can I do and what can I say….some things are better to be left the way they are…so that nobody gets hurt because when we do get hurt, the pain is just so unbearable…I have stopped writing to her because I have this feeling that I might have said something wrong in my last letters to her…when she text me, she didn’t really sound happy when she gets the letter…I got so afraid that I stopped myself from writing anymore letters to her…

Diary, what the fuck am I doing to myself? I hate this so much.

Spending Sunday...

Dear Diary,

I have been having this attack of giddiness quite often and it is actually making me worried a bit. Everytime when I have the attack, I feel that my surroundings move in circles. When that happens, I have to stop doing whatever I am doing and shut my eyes to wait for a few seconds till the giddiness stops. That’s what I have to do to overcome the pain. I probably have to drink lots of water. Water is food to the brain as it gives oxygen to it. When our brain lacks water that also means the brain lacks oxygen. But then again, I have been drinking lots of water and I am sure my brain is not oxygen deprived so I really don’t know what causes the headache. Anyway, I will go for a check up soon if the headache and giddy persist.

I went to my aunt’s place this afternoon. She is going to Mecca and she hosted a kenduri at her house. There were lots of food and they were not the typical kenduri food. They are not special neither they are extraordinary. They are just food which we have for lunch or dinner daily. That’s what I am talking about Diary. My aunt served us ikan pari asam pedas, sotong sambal, bergedil, sayur urap, ayam goreng, lemak nangka, laksa, curry puff and some kueh mueh. On a typical kenduri feast, those foods are not usually served.

What I am trying to say is Diary, times have changed and everything around it changes too. Customs and traditions have not been practised like how they used to be practised in the olden days. I still remember when I was young, everytime I went for a kenduri event, the food for feast served were usually chicken, beef, mutton beriyani, roti kirai with chicken curry, nasi ambang and traditional Malay kueh. The food will be served to us and we would eat them together. There were lots of cutleries and plates and bowls to be used because when the foods were served to us, they were served in bowls or plates. Each portion is for four persons and if there are thirty or fifty guests attending the kenduri, imagine how many kitchenwares are to be used for that event. So there are really lots or hard works when someone decides to host a kenduri event. And that is the time when we see the ‘gotong royong’ spirit in the Malay society. Everybody helps with the chores be it cooking, cleaning, serving and even hosting. It is sad to say that we don’t really get to see that too often nowadays especially in Singapore. People choose to serve different kind of foods and they usually have the foods serve buffett style. No longer we will see glass plates or bowls, all that will be used is the styrofoam plates, bowls and cups. Convenience and practical are the priorities now replacing typical practices of ethnicity.

The house was filled with many relatives and I didn’t really enjoy myself because my best cousin sister was not there. Every corner of the house was filled with people and I found it hard to find a spot for myself where I could just hang out. In the end, I found my way to the kitchen and ended up helping my aunties to serve the food. There was not much to do but I think I was just trying to escape from having conversations with my older cousin sisters. I have always escaped to the kitchen whenever I wanted to save myself from being bombarded with questions that I just do not wish to answer. You see Diary, the kitchen is where there is most works to do. When there are a lot of tasks to do, people won’t have the time to make conversations with you because everybody is so busy trying to finish their tasks. So that’s how I saved myself from unwanted situations.

What Am I Doing Part 2

Dear Diary,

As I was talking to you about Rolly Polly last night, I got very sleepy and so I have to call it a night. Please accept my apologies because coffee does not work on me anymore nowadays. When I get sleepy, I really get sleepy and there is no holding back. How was your Saturday Diary? I had a good time with my family. We went to JB to pump petrol and then we had seafood at the usual place. It seems to me that my family and seafood cannot be separated.

As I was saying about my company, Rolly Polly is someone I had known for about eight years I think. However, I have never considered her as my friend because we hardly meet in person or hang out together. Our communications were usually based on online instant messaging service. We would chat or email each other. Even after I have moved to Malaysia, we never really got close or better acquainted. That is why I have never considered her as my friend before. But now, if you were to ask me about her, I would say that she is more than a friend. I may even call her my guardian angel now. You see, she is whom I am close now. We hang out together and we talk a lot. We share things and stories. Although we have had our fair share of disagreements and arguments, we are still together trying to make our hopes and dreams alive. She came into my life when my head is strong but my heart is weak. Most of the times after every argument we had, I still think that she is the best business partner for me. She makes it real for me. That is probably because she is as strong headed as I am and I started to see the reason why she and I became close at a later stage of our acquaintance.

Rolly Polly is a year younger and in my opinion, she is intellectually smart, generous, sporting, fun and an initiator. She is fun to be with because I can talk about almost anything under the sun, moon and the sky with her. Her level of general knowledge makes it easy to talk with her. I always like having conversations with intellectually smart women. They are just sexy and mesmerizing. So that is who Rolly Polly is Diary.

After I sold away the drink stall, we got this stall in KL. It was supposed to sell Char Kuey Teow but we sold more than that. We planned everything together from A-Z. We made it happen and it turned out okay. Rolly Polly was a strong person and at times I wondered if I could have made it without her because I know no man is an island. Nobody can do it alone. At least we need some kind of a moral support from those around us. I knew I was being difficult to her many times during the plannings of the stall. She had to give in to me all those times. We fought, we quarreled, we cursed and God knows what else we did to each other. I guess both of us wanted to be free but somehow it was not easy because we are both stubborn. I can say that it was hell with a capital H. It was so difficult to work with her and I am sure she would think like that too toward me. Never have I encountered an enormous problem working with someone before until I realised that it is either do or die.

I taught myself to work with her and I learnt how to compromise because the purpose of life is not to be happy - but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that I have lived at all. We complimented each other and we started focusing on the company’s goals. We sold the stall after two weeks of operations and made a handsome profit for both of us. Right now, we are venturing into other businesses and always on the look out for other money making opportunities. Rolly Polly is the fuel for the company while I am the machine. We can’t make it without each other and I don’t think I can work with anybody else except for her.

I have never really thanked her for the company she gave me or the wake up comments she threw at me or the hurtful but truthful remarks she said about me. I have never really showed her how much I appreciate her or how much I treasure her company now. She is someone whom I will always be thankful to because I know she came into my life at the right time and at the right place. After all my strengths are gone, it is what in her that I can be strong. I hope I can give her what she hopes for even if it is just a smile to make her day.

Hey Rolly Polly, to our company, may our pockets be heavy and our hearts be light. May good luck pursue us each morning and every night. To the lamp of love for the partnership we have, may it burn the brightest in the darkest hours and never flicker in the winds of trial. I love you!

What Am I Doing Part 1

Dear diary,

As I am writing this down to you, I am fighting to stay awake to reach to the end of this entry I am going to submit. But then again, will I be able to since I am only at the second line of this entry. And while I am writing to you, I have about four messages waiting for my attention from my instant messaging service. I should have been invisible there because I cannot seem to be writing in peace now. I always have these interruptions which can be a little hard to handle. I do not mind if I am not writing but when I am writing I just need to pay my attention wholly to it and I really do not appreciate interruptions.

How are you doing Diary? It has really been awhile since I last wrote. If I got this right, I think it has been about five months. So, what is new with me? There are a lot of things…so many about me are new. I have been so busy living in two countries, trying to make end meets and achieve my endless goals. *Grins*

For your information, I have sold my drink stall in Putrajaya in September. It was a good decision and I haven’t regretted anything about it since. I suppose I have no time for regret. I have got myself another stall but I sold it away after two weeks of operations. I just don’t know where to begin. There are plenty to tell and I am not sure where to start. Perhaps I shall let you know about the drink stall first. It was a spontaneous decision I felt before Ramadan. The overhead was high and ihave been getting lots of stories about what Infinity thought of me and the stall. The things people just cannot stop from assuming when they feel they are being kept in the dark. Do you get what I mean Diary?

There are too many conflicts about the stall. Too many to the extent of selling it away is the best choice I had. I do not want to have anything to do with Infinity anymore. Our break up was bitter and it has stayed that way eversince. To manage the stall when our relationship was bad is difficult. All the finger pointing, bad mouthing, unhealthy assumptions especially on money matters were too much for me to handle. What is even worst, when I confronted her, she denied so I really do not know who to trust and believe. One thing I know in my two years of relationship with her, Infinity has the tendency to forget what she has said usually. She is not the kind to remember details and I really do not care anymore. I just wanted to get it over and done with. It is sad but a man got to do what a man got to do. If having business together brings nothing but silent grudges and unfounded accusations, then that business is just not worth it.

I set up my own company now. I have a local business partner which is one of the requirements as I am a foreigner. She is Rolly Polly and she is one hell of a strong headed woman, just like me and I always wonder if we are able to get along.

Oh Diary…I have to go…I am so sleepy... I will talk to you again ok. Love you.

Remembering The Faithful Departed...

Dear diary,

I am listening to all the songs that inspired me to write as I am writing my thoughts down to you. I have been doing fine now. Yes Diary, in case you are wondering I am still alive and kicking. I wouldn’t say that I am in the pink of health because I have been having this pounding headache for the past one week. I took panadols everytime before I go to sleep but the headache just refuses to go away. What shall I do now Diary? I am afraid. I really am because my late brother died from brain cancer and he had major headache before he was diagnosed with it. Look, I am not being paranoid but I still have this trauma, if you only know what I mean. Mark Twain once said, “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” I probably have not lived my life fully. I may seem like I have but I haven’t actually.

You know Diary, whenever I pray, I pray to God to give my family and I, good health and wealth so we can live longer than ever and I would still have the opportunity to take care of them like all fillial daughter would do. I just want to have that chance Diary. Give me a chance to do something really noble to my parents before my time or their time is up. I am sure you get what I mean don’t you?

I dreamt about him a couple of times. Perhaps it is time for me to go back to the basics. I have been ignoring my responsibility to pray. *sigh* sometimes I wish I am still living in singapore under one roof with my family so that my prayers to God will be well taken care of, so that I will not commit too many sins and so I will always be standing on solid ground. You know Diary, living away from your parents give you the liberty to do what you want, wear what you like and most of all be who you really are. In most cases, we just tend to get carried away with the freedom we have and we often take things for granted. Like I said earlier in all my previous entries, I still know what and who I am but at the same time I wish I could carry out my responsibility as a Muslim child. I still feel sad for the demise of my brother even though it has been almost five years now. People say time is the great healer but as time passes by, the reality and truth only start to sink in and then you realise that you are one member short in your family. Am I getting sentimental now? I don’t know Diary….sometimes I wish I can go back to the start to make amends with him, to say how happy and lucky I felt to have him as my brother and most significantly how much I loved him.

We barely talk about him nowadays. Mum and dad do not reminisce about him to me. I don’t know. I suppose we all know how each and everyone of us feel for him and we perfectly know if we start talking about him, we will all break down and thus that’s the reason why we stopped talking about him. After all we are all Asians and Asians are known not to be generous or obvious with their emotions. Yes, I write about what I feel but if you were to ask me to show it openly to the people I want to convey the message across, I will definitely think twice about it. But then again, if we never really display what and how we feel towards certain people, what if we do not have the chance at all?

I recall how I whispered to his ear how much I am sorry for all wrongs I have done to him and how much I loved him minutes before he breathe his last breath. Oh Diary, if I were to take you back to the day when he died, you would have thought that it just happened yesterday because I commit to memory every detail vividly until now. Can you believe that? They are all in my head waiting for me to let it all out.

I can never put out of my mind that moment of truth when I finally experience it myself. I always see it in the movie or some television series. I have never really thought that it would happen in my family. Do not get me wrong, yes, death occur everyday but I have never thought it would be him because he was so young. He had so much to accomplish at that young age. I miss him everyday Diary. For all the changes we have in the family, I still think of what it would be like if he were still alive and how would he react to the changes. I still wonder how it is going to be still having him around.

Those are the things that I wonder about him Diary. It is just something that I must do to imagine him with the current situations in the family. I bet this is what my parents would do too in their quiet times and minds. I can see it in their faces, those sad wrinkled faces. So do you get what I mean now Diary? The love I have for my parents has no desire but to fulfill itself. It is to melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. It is to wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving and living. I want to live as long as my parents are alive so I know they still have me to keep them company, safe from harm every minute of their remaining lives because I am their child that they once used to cuddle in their arms to keep me warm. I have grown so big now from that baby, ready to take charge for them, for my parents…always and forever. This I promise them.