Dear diary,
I am listening to all the songs that inspired me to write as I am writing my thoughts down to you. I have been doing fine now. Yes Diary, in case you are wondering I am still alive and kicking. I wouldn’t say that I am in the pink of health because I have been having this pounding headache for the past one week. I took panadols everytime before I go to sleep but the headache just refuses to go away. What shall I do now Diary? I am afraid. I really am because my late brother died from brain cancer and he had major headache before he was diagnosed with it. Look, I am not being paranoid but I still have this trauma, if you only know what I mean. Mark Twain once said, “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” I probably have not lived my life fully. I may seem like I have but I haven’t actually.
You know Diary, whenever I pray, I pray to God to give my family and I, good health and wealth so we can live longer than ever and I would still have the opportunity to take care of them like all fillial daughter would do. I just want to have that chance Diary. Give me a chance to do something really noble to my parents before my time or their time is up. I am sure you get what I mean don’t you?
I dreamt about him a couple of times. Perhaps it is time for me to go back to the basics. I have been ignoring my responsibility to pray. *sigh* sometimes I wish I am still living in singapore under one roof with my family so that my prayers to God will be well taken care of, so that I will not commit too many sins and so I will always be standing on solid ground. You know Diary, living away from your parents give you the liberty to do what you want, wear what you like and most of all be who you really are. In most cases, we just tend to get carried away with the freedom we have and we often take things for granted. Like I said earlier in all my previous entries, I still know what and who I am but at the same time I wish I could carry out my responsibility as a Muslim child. I still feel sad for the demise of my brother even though it has been almost five years now. People say time is the great healer but as time passes by, the reality and truth only start to sink in and then you realise that you are one member short in your family. Am I getting sentimental now? I don’t know Diary….sometimes I wish I can go back to the start to make amends with him, to say how happy and lucky I felt to have him as my brother and most significantly how much I loved him.
We barely talk about him nowadays. Mum and dad do not reminisce about him to me. I don’t know. I suppose we all know how each and everyone of us feel for him and we perfectly know if we start talking about him, we will all break down and thus that’s the reason why we stopped talking about him. After all we are all Asians and Asians are known not to be generous or obvious with their emotions. Yes, I write about what I feel but if you were to ask me to show it openly to the people I want to convey the message across, I will definitely think twice about it. But then again, if we never really display what and how we feel towards certain people, what if we do not have the chance at all?
I recall how I whispered to his ear how much I am sorry for all wrongs I have done to him and how much I loved him minutes before he breathe his last breath. Oh Diary, if I were to take you back to the day when he died, you would have thought that it just happened yesterday because I commit to memory every detail vividly until now. Can you believe that? They are all in my head waiting for me to let it all out.
I can never put out of my mind that moment of truth when I finally experience it myself. I always see it in the movie or some television series. I have never really thought that it would happen in my family. Do not get me wrong, yes, death occur everyday but I have never thought it would be him because he was so young. He had so much to accomplish at that young age. I miss him everyday Diary. For all the changes we have in the family, I still think of what it would be like if he were still alive and how would he react to the changes. I still wonder how it is going to be still having him around.
Those are the things that I wonder about him Diary. It is just something that I must do to imagine him with the current situations in the family. I bet this is what my parents would do too in their quiet times and minds. I can see it in their faces, those sad wrinkled faces. So do you get what I mean now Diary? The love I have for my parents has no desire but to fulfill itself. It is to melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. It is to wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving and living. I want to live as long as my parents are alive so I know they still have me to keep them company, safe from harm every minute of their remaining lives because I am their child that they once used to cuddle in their arms to keep me warm. I have grown so big now from that baby, ready to take charge for them, for my parents…always and forever. This I promise them.
I am listening to all the songs that inspired me to write as I am writing my thoughts down to you. I have been doing fine now. Yes Diary, in case you are wondering I am still alive and kicking. I wouldn’t say that I am in the pink of health because I have been having this pounding headache for the past one week. I took panadols everytime before I go to sleep but the headache just refuses to go away. What shall I do now Diary? I am afraid. I really am because my late brother died from brain cancer and he had major headache before he was diagnosed with it. Look, I am not being paranoid but I still have this trauma, if you only know what I mean. Mark Twain once said, “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” I probably have not lived my life fully. I may seem like I have but I haven’t actually.
You know Diary, whenever I pray, I pray to God to give my family and I, good health and wealth so we can live longer than ever and I would still have the opportunity to take care of them like all fillial daughter would do. I just want to have that chance Diary. Give me a chance to do something really noble to my parents before my time or their time is up. I am sure you get what I mean don’t you?
I dreamt about him a couple of times. Perhaps it is time for me to go back to the basics. I have been ignoring my responsibility to pray. *sigh* sometimes I wish I am still living in singapore under one roof with my family so that my prayers to God will be well taken care of, so that I will not commit too many sins and so I will always be standing on solid ground. You know Diary, living away from your parents give you the liberty to do what you want, wear what you like and most of all be who you really are. In most cases, we just tend to get carried away with the freedom we have and we often take things for granted. Like I said earlier in all my previous entries, I still know what and who I am but at the same time I wish I could carry out my responsibility as a Muslim child. I still feel sad for the demise of my brother even though it has been almost five years now. People say time is the great healer but as time passes by, the reality and truth only start to sink in and then you realise that you are one member short in your family. Am I getting sentimental now? I don’t know Diary….sometimes I wish I can go back to the start to make amends with him, to say how happy and lucky I felt to have him as my brother and most significantly how much I loved him.
We barely talk about him nowadays. Mum and dad do not reminisce about him to me. I don’t know. I suppose we all know how each and everyone of us feel for him and we perfectly know if we start talking about him, we will all break down and thus that’s the reason why we stopped talking about him. After all we are all Asians and Asians are known not to be generous or obvious with their emotions. Yes, I write about what I feel but if you were to ask me to show it openly to the people I want to convey the message across, I will definitely think twice about it. But then again, if we never really display what and how we feel towards certain people, what if we do not have the chance at all?
I recall how I whispered to his ear how much I am sorry for all wrongs I have done to him and how much I loved him minutes before he breathe his last breath. Oh Diary, if I were to take you back to the day when he died, you would have thought that it just happened yesterday because I commit to memory every detail vividly until now. Can you believe that? They are all in my head waiting for me to let it all out.
I can never put out of my mind that moment of truth when I finally experience it myself. I always see it in the movie or some television series. I have never really thought that it would happen in my family. Do not get me wrong, yes, death occur everyday but I have never thought it would be him because he was so young. He had so much to accomplish at that young age. I miss him everyday Diary. For all the changes we have in the family, I still think of what it would be like if he were still alive and how would he react to the changes. I still wonder how it is going to be still having him around.
Those are the things that I wonder about him Diary. It is just something that I must do to imagine him with the current situations in the family. I bet this is what my parents would do too in their quiet times and minds. I can see it in their faces, those sad wrinkled faces. So do you get what I mean now Diary? The love I have for my parents has no desire but to fulfill itself. It is to melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. It is to wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving and living. I want to live as long as my parents are alive so I know they still have me to keep them company, safe from harm every minute of their remaining lives because I am their child that they once used to cuddle in their arms to keep me warm. I have grown so big now from that baby, ready to take charge for them, for my parents…always and forever. This I promise them.
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