Leaving My Sanctuary...

Dear Diary,

I am feeling very emotional tonight. I paid Subang Jaya a visit yesterday and I am back to Singapore today. It was a short visit, but it was sure fulfilling. I got to settle my outstanding errands. I got to drive my car. I got to pack a little bit of my stuffs. I got to meet Rolly Polly. And I got to release the longed I feel for my home. It was good to be back even for just a short while.

I have decided to let the house go. I can see that I will be spending more time in Singapore and keeping the house is not practical. It is sad to let it go. Letting it go also means that I have nothing to look forward to in Subang Jaya. I have no reason to go there anymore. It is a heartbreaking decision, leaving something that you have had for years. You have gotten so familiar with it but have to let it go for inevitable circumstances.

My heart cracks a little and I am trying to fix it now. I packed a bit when I was there. I had to use the time I had to do something to lighten the job on the final day of moving out. I have started asking friends if they are interested in my furniture. I am selling them off and I am leasing my car to Rolly Polly for a year. I will return the house on the first of June, so I have the whole month to clear my stuffs.

I started to imagine my life in the future now. With no place I can call home in Subang Jaya, it is sure going to be distressing for me. Subang Jaya has so many memories for me. That is where my life with Infinity began and that is where I first met Flying Babe. Dark Chocolate and Pumpkin are there too. Rolly Polly, Gummy Bear, Minah Rempit, Sexy Lara and those people that have left footprints in my heart happened in Subang Jaya. It brought us together in good or bad times. Reminiscing the time the people I knew there brought tears to my eyes and facing the fact that I have to leave is so heartbreaking.

Never would I have the chance walking down the memory lane again and never would I have the chance to steal a glimpse of the people I once love. If I were to tell you what my heart feels right now, I would tell you that it is at the lowest of the lowest spirit at all. I have lost and defeated by circumstances. I did put up a fight but victory is not mine. I tried Diary but I have to admit defeat this time. It hit me so hard but you know I am not breaking don’t you? People say that it is never safe to be nostalgic about something until you are absolutely certain there is no chance of its coming back.

The sad journey from home to Holiday Villa where the bus was waiting for me to Singapore was camouflaged by casual conversations I made with Rolly Polly. Somehow I was saddened by the thought that I might not be able to hang out with her again. No more late night hang outs and DVD marathon we used to have. No more dirty jokes and playful teasings we once did to each other because I know somehow, distance will pull us apart. Friendships and relationships will drift from each other because of distance. People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they were not so crazy about the first time around. I know that because I have had more failed long distance relationships that any man on earth.

Fifty meters upon reaching, I suddenly felt my heart sunk a little and I got choked trying to hold back the tears. Oh Diary, this is not what I am supposed to feel on the eve of my birthday. I hate birthdays and I never want to proudly announce that it is my birthday for all to wish because I hate attentions but on a simple note, one should be feeling at least happy on one’s birthday. My strength was almost gone then but I looked up to the sky and I thought of Him. Who on earth can I turn to Diary in times like that?

I was not happy but I am still grateful that I was not angry. I suppose I just have to learn how to live without having a second home that used to be in Subang Jaya. I cannot stop this from happening and no matter what, someone has to go and move on. If I cannot keep it alive, then I just have to let go. Without having a home there, it tells me that reality can be cruel sometimes. It does not matter anymore Diary…it does not matter because I am already gone.