How have you been? It seems that I have not written for a long time. I have been busy. I was in Tangkak last Friday until Sunday. We left Singapore early in the morning on Friday. I drove straight to Subang, took some of my clothes and drove back to Tangkak. That was like six hours of driving. I felt so tired but I had to drive because I was the only one with the license to drive. If only mum had got her license, I was sure going to let her drive. The house in Subang looked as usual, untouched and undisturbed. A house with no occupants. It didn't seem as if Paranoid had come back. I figured she is busy with work at her hometown. Have I told you that she has gone back there to work temporarily and she is going to end her tenancy? April will be her final month and by May, I will have the house all to myself.
Paranoid text me yesterday and still asked me the same questions she asked a month ago. She asked if she could crash at the house if she has to come for an interview. I told her to look for other alternatives. I had to be straightforward with her. I do not want to beat around the bush. It is difficult since I will not be around most of the times and how can I allow her to keep the keys when her tenancy has ended? I trust her but I cannot let her have her cake and eat it. Frankly speaking, I have gotten tired of being considerate. I have had enough Diary. Right from living with Infinity until to living with Paranoid, I believe I have been more than considerate. I get so angry everytime I speak about this. All they want is to enjoy the convenience without taking my feelings into considerations. It is sad to even think about it.
Diary, I have submitted my photos for the name cards, badge and insurance. I have made a few calls and I have got five ready buyers for HDB flats. All I got to do now is to match them with houses that fit their preferences. And again I would like to remind myself that it is not that easy. Calling the leads my Manager gave me was already tough. Some of them became suspicious on where we got their number and they interrogate you like as though you are a criminal. I didn't fumble neither did I stammer. I just told them all I wanted to know is, if they are still looking for a house to buy because I would be more than happy to look for them. Oh Diary, one thing I never stopped doing is to pray to God for a prosperous and lucrative rewards for the effort I have put in. I hope He hears my prayers.
I have made progress Diary, I sense it and somehow I am happy with how I have performed. I am not fast neither am I slow but I know my situation is not stationary. I have almost zero social life nowadays. I do not hang out with my friends and I hardly chat. My life revolves around my family, myself and my writings to you and Flying Babe. I am not very active in Facebook anymore. I communicate less with my friends now. I am not sure what I am feeling these days. I am not neglecting or ignoring them but I suppose I am just diverting my focus to getting my life back on track again. I cannot deny how much I have missed my life back then when I was in Subang. I had someone I could lean on and I had something I could call love. Things are different now Diary. Sometimes, all I wanna do is cry but I have cried enough and like Fergie says, big girls don't cry. Well, what can I say. I suppose I am still overcoming the transition period.
I don't know what is in store for me in the future. I know where and what I want to be but I am not sure if I can get there and be that. It is not about accomplishing my goals but it is more to what and who I really am. I feel so broken sometimes. I shed a tear or two just thinking about it. I am sorrowful at times but I know it is not easy for me to change when only a woman can make me feel love on earth. I am feeling a little emotional. I don't know why. Perhaps someday somehow I will feel the woman I have always love in my arms again or perhaps I will eventually learn to let her go. Even if it means seeing and knowing she is with someone else, even if that will do nothing but break me into million pieces of jigsaw puzzles that is just so impossible to fix. I know when I finally let her totally go I will be by myself and Only in quiet waters do thing mirror themselves undistorted and only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world. Being in solitude...
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