I Am Still Bitter With Her

 Dear Diary,

 

I was supposed to tell you this long time ago but I have been lazy to write. The more convenient it is for me to write the more lazy I have become. I have an iPad, samsung Tab, laptop and a smart phone all equipped with internet access and yet I do not write. It is true what people say in my last entry, you will only appreciate what you have when you do not have them anymore. Going back to my story, during Ramadan I saw Infinity in Singapore. It was in Geylang Serai where it is the most happening place in Singapore during Ramadan. I was with a colleague window shopping and I noticed a woman came up to me and stood there smiling looking directly at me. I looked at her and it took me a few seconds until I could tell who she was. I swear I could not recognized her. She looked so different now. She has put on weight, her dressing was so off and she wore her hair differently when I saw her. If there is one word in Malay that I would describe her, it would be ‘Selekeh’.

 

Yes. Selekeh is the most appropriate word. Her jeans was over sized and she was wearing this baggy t-shirt with a pair of slippers with a sling bag over her shoulder. When I finally recognized her, I was surprised to see her there. I mean, she has no relatives here in Singapore, no business here so what was it that made her here. I walked up to her and I smiled back. I asked her and she smiled coyly at me and said she was meeting a friend. 

 

That is how she is and I hate her for that. Infinity is not at all feminine. She can answer simple questions so coyly you would think that she is just an attention seeker. I did not push her for answers and I did not press her for explanations. I figured that I do not deserve to know neither did she owe me any answers or explanations about her presence there. I smiled back at her and I said goodbye and walked away. It was a good 3 minutes encounter with an ex girlfriend. I did not even ask where was she staying and stuffs like that. I know I am still bitter with her. I may be over her but I still cannot forget what she has done to me. I probably will take my whole life forgetting it. 

This is the thing with me you know Diary. I can love a person like blood and I can hate a person like hell. I am hating her like hell now. And I know if she is in need of help at that time, I am not surprise if I can walk away from her without rendering any aid. I am not proud of myself. It is not right and it is bad but I cannot change myself. She hurt me like no other woman hurt me. That was the first time I have ever felt so hurt that I almost lose myself. I swear I heard voices in my head one night telling me to strangle her to death in the middle of the night. I was up one night and I looked at her sleeping on her side of the bed. I just sat there staring at her. I could have done it but I didn’t. I was thankful that my faith was stronger than love and I went back to sleep. It was not worth it. It came to a point where I was afraid of myself. I guess I made the right decision of moving out from there. The rest was history.

 

I did not feel sorry of what I did neither did I think about it. I did not mean to treat her like that. It was spontaneous and it was natural of me. I wish I could have treated her better but I must be true to  myself. Have you ever heard how people keep telling other people to be themselves? This is it Diary, I was simply being myself just like how she was being herself when she was courting another girl while we were living in the same house. I was being myself just like how she was being herself when she was sweet talking on the phone in our bed while I was beside her. I was being myself just like how she was being herself when she treated me as if I was invisible. So Diary, to compare what I did to her to the things she did to me when we were living under the same roof, she could have pass as wicked, heartless and cruel easily.

There I was alive, in the same house, in the same bed with her and she could just changed in a split second. So don’t blame me for being bitter. What she did to me was exactly what I did to Manhattan and yet Manhattan can accept me back as a friend. She even helped me when I needed  her help. That is why I have the most utmost respect for Manhattan because I swear I cannot do it. Infinity and I had a bitter break up. She did a lot of things to me that hurt me. I cannot accept her as a friend in my life, not yesterday, not today and not tomorrow.

My New Friend and My Insurance Policies

Dear Diary,

I am driving to Tangkak again this weekend and I am excited.  The excitement that I am feeling is probably because I will be driving. Driving long distance always makes me thrilled. Back then when I was living in Subang Jaya, I drove to Tangkak often alone. I would turned on the radio loudly and I would smoke occassionally. I enjoyed those moments although I was alone. This time, I cannot smoke neither can I turn the radio out loud as I will be with my parents. Nevertheless, it still makes me happy.

I did not plan this as my pocket money for November is almost zero but mom is free this weekend and she asked if I could drive them to Tangkak. I had my mind made up to work overtime this Saturday. I supposed I had to sacrifice for my parents again. I find it hard to decline their request. Declining their request makes me feel bad and lousy. As much as I want to make that extra bucks, I do not want to turn my parents down too. I read somewhere that we can always make money but we can never buy time. I could not agree more. The number of sacrifices I made for my parents are nothing compared to their sacrifices made for me.  I can never repay them because they gave me life.

I have a new friend Diary. She is from abroad and apparently her number has been in my contact list for as long as God knows. I was scrolling my list and I came upon her name. I text her and it all started from there. She is friendly and polite and I think we get along fine. I have made a couple of friends this way before. We have chatted before and exchanged numbers but we did not text nor call each other until only after I came across that unfamiliar name and I began texting. I don’t know why but it seems to me that I get along fine with Malaysians than fellow Singaporeans. Yes, I have more friends in Malaysia than in Singapore.

Biya is her name and she is younger than I am. I don’t know much about her let alone how she looks like. But I don’t really care as the agenda here is to make friends instead of girlfriends. Isn’t it right Diary? I have nothing in my mind right now except to know more people like me. Friendship is primary while love is secondary.  From my conversations with her I am assuming that we could probably end up as business partners one day. She was in small scale business before and she has a few business skills that I never had. She went for some courses in Tekun Nasional and yes, I am impressed. She does not speak English well though but who cares right? I have to admit that women who speak poor English never fail to turn me off but I have decided to fuck it because it does not matter anymore.

Did I tell you I have bought two new insurance policies Diary? I bought one from a friend in Malaysia and one in Singapore. It is a hospitalisation plan. I need one cos I don’t have any. The one in Malaysia is an endowment plan which gives me death benefit and 37 critical illnesses protection. I bought them because I thought the existing one I had has lapsed and it is inactive anymore. However, I decided to check with Prudential and apparently it is still active even though I have lapsed the payments for almost 4 years now. The original monthly premium is rm200 but after being lapsed, Prudential actually used my cash value in my policy to service my premium for the time I lapsed the payments. Therefore some of the benefits I was covered no longer exist in my policy like personal accident protection and hospitalisation coverage. The premium has been reduced too. 

Though the protection has been reduced, it is still good news to me as I have enough protection for myself now. I only need to upgrade my hospitalisation to a comprehensive one which covers outpatient cost as well and I feel I am good then. I am sure I will be alone when I am old cos it sure looks like I am not getting married, well to a man at least. I just want to make sure I have enough cash and protection for my retirement. If nobody is going to take care of myself, I supposed I have to do it myself.

Keeping My Options Open To Make A Living

Dear Diary,

 

My savings is growing and I am proud of myself. If I had known how easy it is for me to save, I would have started saving the minute I came back to Singapore. I did not think of it at that time. All I was thinking was to get money quickly for me to start my own business.

 

I was impatient and I couldn’t wait. I ended up in the real estate industry struggling to make ends meet when I could have spent my time working a decent job with a basic salary. How ignorant I was at that time. I am pissed at myself for not realizing reality quickly then but it is okay Diary, experience is the teacher of fools. Yes, I sadly admit that I was the fool at that time. Now that I have enough money to start the stall, I am having second thoughts about it. Can you believe me Diary? I am not sure what has gotten into me but I think I am at my comfort zone now.

 

Although I do not enjoy my job scope, I have to admit I enjoy getting paid. I do not have to worry about paying rent for the stall, salaries for the staffs, paying bills for utilities and so on and on. The list can be endless. Yes, I may be my own boss once I have the business running but it is not going to be that easy to sustain it. We all know that. Anyway the plan is to start the business in Kuala Lumpur in four years time. 2017, that’s the year I am looking forward to. However, I still hope to have a business here in Singapore too. Imagine this Diary, living in Kuala Lumpur and having an income in SGD. Isn’t that great? The exchange rate is superb now. Well I can have two incomes from two different countries can’t I? That’s the plan actually.

 

My contract with the current company ends in March 2014. I am still toying with the idea of changing job. I don’t know yet. Driving a taxi is one of the options. Can you imagine me driving a taxi? Well...I mean, I am a little shy about it. Well you know me Diary. I am naturally shy but I love driving. Of course I am not as skillful as Hamilton but I can drive like how I can work. The only concern that I have now is knowing how to get to the destinations. *chuckles* I am just afraid that I might end up somewhere far from the actual destination. Anyway I can always make use of GPS.

 

With advance technologies nowadays, you can be dependent on machines and technologies if you want to. I suppose if I am really going to give up my job, I would opt driving a taxi to make a living. It is equivalent to running your own food stall in the sense that you are your own boss. The good thing is, you can be alone to make a living out of it unlike running a stall where you need staffs to help you run operationally. You can earn slightly more driving a taxi than having a stall. I have done my research and yes it is possible. Oh well…I have not decided yet. I have to  make a decision soon and I hope it is a good one cos frankly, I have lost my steam with this job already. I am surviving for as long as I am required until I complete my contract.

 

Another option I have is to ask for a transfer at other departments. You see Diary, this company I am working for is a telco giant in Singapore. It has networks and businesses overseas. We are the leading telco here, therefore there are many opportunities to grow and the prospects are good. I hope I can be transferred doing any backend job. I think I will stay in the job until the time I have enough money to move to Kuala Lumpur. Oh Diary, it is hard to decide. I can say that I am comfortable with this company but it is sad to say I am not happy with my department. Well, never mind at least this job gives me the opportunity to earn and save money. I just wish I can coach myself to like my job. 

I Became A Zombie

Dear Diary,

 

                     It has been a few weeks of active days for me. The company I worked for has lots of programmes and activities llined up for us. I participated in the Race The Dead event in Sentosa last two weekends and yes it was fun. I enjoyed it very much. It has been a long time since I have had so much fun. I was a zombie and I had to chase the runners and get the flags from them. Some of them put up a fight while some simply surrender willingly. I supposed they are too tired already. 

The runners started with two flags and have to run a 5km race and the zombies are stationed along the 5km track. The zombies will stop the runners from reaching the finishing line with both flags. Zombies will try their best to pull off the flags from the runners. I got a total of 54 flags. That is really not bad for a 36 year old woman zombie who has not been working out for ages now. I have been lazy for as long as I can remember. I have not been jogging and working out in the gym. Although I have free access to my company’s gym, I prefer to go straight home after work. 

I supposed this is the thing with humans. We do not appreciate what we have while we have it. It takes the loss of what we have to make us appreciate what we have. It is ironic but that is the reality. I came 3 hours earlier as we had to get our make up done. We were advised to wear something that we do not want to wear anymore. My make up artist was quiet. She asked me if she can dirty and tear my t-shirt. She tore my shirt, she messed my hair and my face. Everybody said I looked like a real zombie. I took a picture of myself and showed it to my mother. She said it looked real. Nothing fancy about my make up. I did not have my eye balls popped out or a part of my brain was visible but the make up artist did her best to make me look like a zombie. 

I sent my picture to Flying Babe and she seemed afraid of it. She said that she has this fear with zombies because zombies are not like ghosts. Humans can shield off ghost by praying and reciting versus of the Quran while zombies are just not going to be afraid of holy words. She makes sense but it is funny and cute of her. I did not chat long with her. It is always like that nowadays. If there is a time where I will chat with her, it will simply be a short one. Things are different now and I supposed we know it. Even if I want to take this friendship one step further, I would have to think of the distances and how soon and true I will make it back to Subang Jaya. These are facts and the truths. I cannot brush them away. I don’t want to live in fantasies anymore. 

Oh Diary, whatever it is, I am sure I am happy now. I am single but I am happy. I hate my job  but I have a job that can give me the chance to make enough for my family and I. I have friends that I can chat and hang out with and I have money now. I don’t have a lot of money but I have enough to make me feel contented. Looking back, after all those years, how far I have came; I can truly say it now I am happy. I have broken up with Hello Kitty but that did not make me a sad woman. Of course  there are times where I would miss her company but believe me Diary, that is all I ever miss. 

I guess love  does not exists for her. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I know how weak I can get with women. Regardless of my true feelings, I can declare steady with a woman so easily and dump her the next week or even day. I think I know my weaknesses now. It is woman, it has always been. I am impulsive with woman. I guess I am safe where I am now. As long as I tell myself I am happy the way I am now, I guess I will be fine. I do not want to be with a woman whom I do not love and feel all bad and pressured to love her back. My focus now is to achieve my goals and live happy with or without my other half. 

Cerita Hari Selasa

Salam Diary,

Selamat tengah hari. Aku tidak berkerja hari ini kerana aku harus pergi ke hospital untuk medical check up aku. Ini adalah kali ke tiga selepas aku dikeluarkan dari hospital. Aku harus pergi medical check up sebulan sekali sehingga aku di istiharkan bebas daripada penyakit Tubercolosis. Setiap bulan aku harus ketepikan sedikit wang untuk perbelanjaan medical aku. Memang itu sudah termasuk dalam cost bulanan aku. Sebaik sahaja mendapat gaji, aku akan asing asingkan duit gaji aku mengikut percentage untuk simpanan, perbelanjaan dan bills. 

Memang aku belum pernah lagi kesempitan wang semenjak aku kembali ke Singapura. Mungkin aku seorang yang berdipsiplin dalam soal wang ringgit ataupun aku memang bukan seorang yang pemboros. Tetapi boleh dikatakan juga hampir setiap bulan aku akan shopping baju, seluar dan kasut. Tetapi Diary, jangan salah paham ya, bukanlah aku beli yang mahal mahal sahaja...baju baju dan seluar yang aku beli semuanya aku beli online dari cotton on dan kebanyakkannya semua daripada section yang 'nothing above $10'. 

Jadi memang aku sudah terbiasa dengan bershopping online dengan barang yang harga macam itu. Sesekali, harus memanjakan diri sendiri selepas berpenat lelah berkerja. Aku rasa memang sudah sekian lama aku tidak bershopping. Duit yang ada aku simpan untuk kecemasan dan untuk masa depan. Apa masa depan aku, aku tidak tahu tetapi sudah aku bilang aku ada rancangan. Boleh dikatakan duit aku sekarang ini sudah cukup untuk membuka gerai makan yang aku idam idamkan tetapi, bila sudah ada wang, aku pula yang seperti berubah fikiran. 

Nanti dulu Diary, jangan cepat menghukum. Aku berubah fikiran tentang soal mahu terus berkerja makan gaji atau mahu buka perniagaan aku sendiri. Sekarang ini kalau mahu diikutkan, aku sudah sedikit stable dengan perkerjaan aku. Sales aku sudah agak bagus dan peluang untuk aku membuat duit lebih banyak di tempat kerja aku ini. Selain dari basic pay, aku boleh mendaptat commission daripada sales yang aku buat bulanan dan aku juga ada peluang untuk membuat overtime pada hari hari Sabtu. Selain itu semua, aku juga layak untuk mendapat bonus tahunan. Jadi aku fikir, lebih baik aku berkerja dahulu untuk mengambil kesempatan dari itu semua sebelum aku betul betul berpindah ke Malaysia. 

Lagipun aku kan mahu beli rumah di Singapura dulu. Jikalau aku berkerja, duit CPF aku akan bertambah banyak lagi untuk membayar harga rumah itu jikalau aku dapat. Lagipun rancangan berpindah ke Malaysia hanya lagi 4 tahun. Tidak lama sangat untuk menunggu. Jikalau aku membuat keputusan untuk terus membuka gerai makan aku...aku ada risiko yang belum tentu lagi perniagaan aku itu akan maju atau berjaya. Aku penat Diary untuk bangun semula. Jangan salah paham ya. Memang sekarang aku berada di dalam comfort zone aku tetapi masih berbuku di dalam hati untuk kembali beraksi sebagai bos sendiri dan pulang ke Malaysia. 

Kereta aku di sana, rumah di Tangkak sudah tersedia. Sampai masanya nanti, tempoh 4 tahun itu sudah pun habis, kereta tidak perlu lagi aku bayar, rumah sudah tentu tidak perlu bayar apa apa...yang perlu aku adakan hanyalah duit perbelajaan hari hari untuk kedua ibu bapaku dan untuk diriku sendiri. Oh Diary, aku kembali active untuk mencari duit online dengan system affiliate marketing. Website aku sedang separuh siap. Aku tidak lagi bermain dengan forex sebab aku lebih banyak hilang duit daripada membuat duit. Aku masih belum pandai menguasai market. Jadi yang lebih selamat sekarang untuk aku berkerja dan menjadi internet marketer.    

 

Bersyukur Dan Terima Sahaja

Hello Diary,

Alhamdulillah kita berjumpa lagi. Syukur kepada Tuhan memanjangkan umur aku supaya aku boleh menulis kepada engkau lagi. Aku sihat alhamdulillah seperti biasa. Routine harian aku sekarang ini, bangun pagi dan mandi untuk ke kerja. Sebelum ke kerja akan aku singgah dahulu ke polyclinic untuk mendapatkan injection dan memakan ubat ubatku di sana. Itulah yang mesti aku buat setiap hari kecuali hari minggu dan public holidays.

Aku tidak boleh bercuti lama lama ke luar negara kerana commitment baru aku kepada time table baru aku. Aku mesti menghabiskan course of medicine aku ini selama sekurang kurangnya 6 bulan. Tidak pernah aku hadapi perkara seperti ini tetapi aku tetap bersyukur kerana penyakit aku ini boleh disembuh. Sekurang kurangnya ia bukan cancer dan itu sudah cukup bagus. Aku harus mendisiplinkin diri untuk mengikut jadual medication yang sudah ditetapkan. Aku mesti tahan sakit bila mendapat injection. Aku mesti berhenti mengeluh bila susah untuk tidur kerana kedua dua tangan aku sakit. Aku tidak boleh tidur seperti biasa. Kedua dua tangan aku menjadi mangsa injection setiap hari. Mereka akan bergilir gilir dicucuk oleh jarum yang hanya menunggu masa. Aku terima sahaja.

Seperti tangan aku yang terima sahaja apa apa, aku juga terima sahaja keputusan rumah yang aku ingin beli. Rezeki bukan milik aku. Aku tidak berpeluang kali ini. Aku tidak berputus asa Diary, aku akan mencuba lagi pada launch yang akan datang ini. Aku berharap aku akan dapat rumah itu suatu hari nanti. Ini adalah antara salah satu cara untuk aku mendapatkan asset untuk masa depan aku juga. Asset itu penting bagi aku kerana aku yakin aku tidak akan bersuami. Umur sudah meningkat dan sexual preference aku masih juga tidak berubah. Belum ada lagi teman wanita yang boleh aku habiskan masa menjadi tua dan dewasa bersama. Ini bermakna aku harus menyiapkan diri untuk menghadapi masa tua nanti. 

Walaupun tidak punyai banyak wang tetapi kalau mempunyai asset, aku boleh liquidate kan asset itu kepada wang. Sudah aku bilang pada kau, aku sudah mempunyai rancangan. Tetapi sebagai manusia, aku juga harus terima kalau rancangan aku tidak kesampaian. Ini semua kan kuasa Tuhan. Mungkin Tuhan ada yang lebih baik untuk aku. Kita tadak boleh tahu itu semua kan? Mungkin aku perlu mencuba lagi dan terus mencuba sahaja sampai aku dapatkan rumah itu. Mudah mudahan urusan urusan aku dipermudahkan oleh Tuhan. Aku tidak boleh berhenti dari berdoa dan berusaha.

   

 

Give Your Best Shot

Dear Diary,

Like I have said in my previous blog. Things are looking good at work. Alhamdulillah...Amin! I have been consistent in my sales that I am having a hard time believing my performance. I am not alone as even my superiors are experiencing the same thing too. I have gotten a lot of pats on my shoulder. They probably are proud of me. I am contented and happy but at the same time I cannot help to feel afraid and suspicious. You see Diary, people leave you alone when you are bad at your sales but people hail and cheer you when you are good. I am beginning to wish if only I would be treated the same regardless of how my sales are in the office. Nevertheless, I know the good sales come from my effort and they are all approved my Allah. Without Allah's will, I am nothing. 

I have to admit that I almost broke down when my sales numbers are not coming. Since I got back from the hospitalization leave, I have not got a sale for eights days straight. I began to feel very small. I felt useless and hopeless. I got my resume ready and about to send it away to any companies until I got a prep talk from Slow Princess in my office. Slow Princess is one of the top saleswoman in my office. She is among the top five and never fail to hit her numbers. She is a Muslim and that makes us have something in common. She told me that she too felt what I felt before. She almost gave up this job until she decided to give it her best, ignore the rest and leave everything to Allah. She prays and she zikir. Yeah, that's what she told me. It rang a bell when she said that. I have not done zikir for a long time. I simply do not practice it anymore. 

Last few weeks in one of those nights. I started to do it after my prayers and yes with Allah's willing I am back on track. I am thankful and grateful. I also did some change in my sales pitch. I started to change my mindset about the products. I followed her advice. I give my best, ignore the rest and leave everything else to Allah. I did it Diary. I am on track. Thank you Allah for making it happen. 

Alhamdulillah!
Alhamdulillah!
Alhamdulillah!

My Dreams Keep Me Alive

Dear Diary,

Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise. I am doing it alone for the first time (well although I was not totally alone actually). I went to JB to visit my car and I drove my car for a short distance. It was a good thing I paid attention to the directions when I had someone to drive me around back then. You know how bad I am at directions. Things are good so far. I had YP to accompany me to JB. It was a simple outing but we enjoyed it especially her.

This friend of mine YP, she is my old colleague at the warehouse I used to work. Nobody likes her. She is always being bullied. You know what kind of environment the warehouse had don't you Diary. I did not bully her neither did I stand up for her. I suppose I just minded my own business there. I kept in touch with her. We were lunch partners. I think she felt comfortable with me and vice versa.

So I asked her if she wanted to come along. She did and we had a good time. I drove her around in my car. She said my car is big and good. I smiled and when I was driving my car, I was so happy that I did not want to leave her. I knew I had to. I simply have to wait until the time I can drive her again. To go back to Subang Jaya again may take me another five years from now. But I know I will someday. I have plans and I am working on it. I am going to make it Diary regardless I am alone or with someone. Right now, I may be alone but I am not lonely because I know I have my dreams. My dreams keep me alive.   

Stay for The Better, Perhaps

Dear Diary,

Just when I think that I have no hope in my job, things changed and that made me think twice about leaving my job. Yes, I have thought about it but a lot of things are holding me back. The company I work for is a public listed company. The colleagues are fun people although most of them are Filipinos. The monetary benefits are good although I am not entitled to full medical benefits. The location is perfect and honestly the office is conducive.

If there is one thing that I hate about my job, it would be my job scope. Sales and numbers come together. I hate having to meet numbers everyday. The pressures that I got from my superiors are simply too much for me. There are many flaws in my department. Mostly come from the Manager. We have this ever changing policies and regulations. It makes me sick. I am doing good this week. It probably due to the good leads they give me. I am just waiting for the days when only the good ones get the best leads. I don't know if I want to stay or not Diary. I am puzzled.

A lof of the locals have left for better prospects. I am waiting for things. I don't know what but I will wait until I cannot anymore.

Sick and Thinking of Her

Dear Diary,

I have never been afraid of needles and medicine. I have no problems at all getting an injection or taking medicines. But I have been lazy at it. I have few bottles of supplements that are more than a year old. They are left on the shelves in my bedroom waiting to be consumed. It is not because I am afraid but simply lazy.

Being diagnosed with a disease nowadays, I have to take my medications everyday at the polyclinic. They recently include an injection on top of the 10 pills I have to take. Swallowing the pills is already a misery to me and having to be injected adds up to it. I cannot skip this prescribed medication as I am being monitored by the Tubercolosis Control Unit closely. If I skip, I will have to expect a telephone call from them. They will demand for an explanation.

The Ministry of Health takes it very seriously. Tubercolosis is airborne and that is the very reason why we have to eat the medicine under the nose of the watchful eyes of the nurse. I feel a little awkward and ticklish, like a kid being babysit to take my medicine. My work is not affected. The current schedule suits my current lifestyle.

The injection is painful after awhile. But I can handle it. The nurses are pretty sometimes. Most of the doctors that attended to me are women and on my lucky days, I got pretty ones too. Yes they are my preference, women with brains always impress me without them trying hard. One word to describe them, sexy. I supposed I can never get enough of women. I will probably remain gay for as long as I live. Sadly, I have never been in a relationship that lasted more than 3 years.

I am not easy to please. I know that and that makes me changed girlfriends like how I changed my clothes. I wonder if I ever will get to be with one woman to grow old together. I don't know...but I know who I like. The one woman that always stays in my heart. If it is about a woman that I dream, mostly it will be her. I know I love her because while I can think of any women I had been with, I only think of her even when our relationship only lasted two months. That is when I know she is special.

Maroon 5 - Daylight (Playing for Change)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Welcome Back Freedom

Dear Diary,

I am beginning to appreciate being alone again. Being alone gives me the time to be independent and most importantly to feeling it too. Being independent does not mean feeling it too does it? It helps me grow as a person. I do not have to depend on people anymore. 

I am going back to the old me. Alone does not mean lonely. Although it does feel a little bit different nowadays but it does not create loneliness or awkwardness. It feels good to be by yourself to appreciate the time you have left to spend. I am doing things by myself as before. My friends are chatting back with me and yes it sure feels like the old days. 

No more of the need to feel that someone is watching me and no need to remind myself to behave. Freedom, that is what I smell and I welcome it very much.