short story...

dear diary, little sister has been quiet for two days now and she is making me worried. i am not sure what's wrong with her. i sent her emails and there was no reply. she might be hospitalised again but i am not sure too. i hope she is fine and safe. perhaps she is busy is she? do you happen to know diary? i cannot write much tonight diary, i need to watch TV, there's THE OC on TV. it's my favourite drama. you know that i never missed it. i will write again tomorrow. take care diary.

i feel the love...

dear diary, i need to get myself a pair of tailor made contact lens because the disposable one seems rather blurish to me. i often have to blink my eyes many times to get a better and clearer sight. i am not sure what's wrong but i know disposable lenses are not made to meet specific requirements to individuals. i may have got the right degrees but still i think i am suffering from other eye related problems as well other than short sightedness and the disposable lenses are not designed to accomodate my other eye problems. i should have got myself a pair of contacts lenses instead of making a new spectacle the other time. i think i need contacts lenses more than i need a spectacle since i will be skating a lot. i will probably get myself one pair of tailor made contacts lenses soon.

little sister wrote to me 2 days ago and complained to me about how life has been treating her. she's just so sweet. i don't know when is her operation due but i have reminded her to update me on the news. i hope the operation will give her a new hope and will allow her to have a new beginning in life. sometimes, i wonder how would it be like if we were to meet. i cannot imagine how it's going to be like. i think both of us would be very shy with each other. however, i think i will be the most talkative one. little sister is definitely going to be quiet. i am sure i will talk a lot but that is with my eyes looking down. you know diary, i have this habit, well, it's not really a habit, it's just what i do when i meet people because i am shy naturally. i hardly have any eye contacts with girls i newly met. it's something which i find hard to do. i get nervous with them and my hands will become cold. but i think i will be calm with little sister because i have registered her as my little sister in my brain, so it won't be that bad.

you know what i want to do most diary? i want to apologise to all the people i have hurt and was rude to. i want to tell them that i am sorry and i want us to be friends again. but it's just something that i have been contemplating. i am not sure if i will ever do it. i want to but i am not sure how. i don't know if they are going to respond let alone forgive me. but i am not expecting anything in return, i just want to let them know i am sorry and i didn't mean to do or say the things i have said and did. people make mistake don't they diary? and people can get very emotional sometimes. when emotions take control of the mind, how people behave and what people say can be quite a shock. i have made friends and i have lost friends along the way living my life. some things just happened beyond your control.

i miss all the friends that i have lost even though we may have hurt each other but still i believe there are always the good sides of them. i have tried to make small talk with some, there are encouraging but there are also discouraging. i know i cannot be expecting a lot and it's only natural for people to react in a discouraging manner when the enemy is trying to make small talk. i know it's not as simple as ABC. but deep down in my heart, i still regard them as people who have left small footprints in my heart and i am sure someday even if we do not talk anymore, i will be wondering what they might be doing, and how are they coping with life.

i know there are no simple remedies to mend broken hearts or to fix a severely ruin friendships but i guess, one party must make the first move at least. after that, it's all up to them. there are people who have shocked me with their attitude, i forgave them. sometimes, forgiving is the best remedy for you even for the most gruesome pain you have suffered. not many people realise that because i know forgiving someone who have hurt you beyond descriptions is the hardest thing to do. we all know that and the people who are willing to forgive are the people we should admire and salute.

i have forgiven aramis for what she has done. i have no regrets but i still need time to myself. the scar she gave me is still fresh and i need to dry it more often so that it won't hurt everytime i shower. you know how fresh scars and wound can hurt when they come in contact with water don't you diary? that's how best i can describe what i am feeling now. well, we have to get hurt once in a while.

i still remember how i made my point saying that when you love, you have to hurt and cry a little because only when you do, you will then feel love. love falls under 2 major categories. Firstly, love without lust, which is love of a kinship and secondly, love with lust, someone we love with the emotion of sex and romance. Nobody can deny that love exists everywhere we go. It is to the discretion of an individual to feel or acknowledge it. Most of the times people do not believe in love because they have been hurt so many times by what is thought to be a beautiful thing; love. It is present in ourselves, we give it away or we keep it to ourselves, either way, it proves that love exists.

For the pain we have experienced and suffered because of love and a few downfalls we have had in love thus, we refuse to recognise love. Everybody has their own share of set backs and some have even bled for love. It's us the citizens of the world with the term Humans that tarnished the good image of love. We give love a bad name taking it for granted every minute of our lives. If there were anyone or anything to be blamed for the lack of acknowledgement for love nowadays, it would be us. Hearts are broken everyday, emotions stirred every seconds and tears are shed many times in this modern digital world.

i have said it but i am saying it again, when you are in love, you have to hurt and cry a little. That is the price you have to pay for falling in love. That is the reality about love nowadays. Love does not come alone; it comes in a package with the other elements and sadly to say, pain and lust are the other elements. It is how far you take yourself with love that matters unless you have the ability to make love out of nothing at all. i am more relaxed now, i am more focused and well organised in the things i want to do. i wrote down them down in a list and started planning my time table. in a way, it helps me get my mind off aramis. she can be quite a disease i should say. it's unbelievable how i can fell in love with such a disease that brings chaos to my life. aramis is an unforgetable disease...for sure.

skating craze...

dear diary, i spent my weekend skating at east coast park. i can say that it's a skating heaven for most skaters. it has this long stretch of paths that has been designated for cyclist and skaters and what's more it's by the beach. it's my third time skating there and i can tell you that it's been a great pleasure. i could go there every weekend to skate but it's the distance that's been hindering. furthermore, singapore has many place to skate so it's really not a problem. but i love to skate at ECP as it is commonly known. the paths are smooth and there are many to watch as well. there are so many activities you can do over there. fishing, swimming, skating, cycling, camping, drinking, eating, bowling, playing snooker, beach games, rent challets and so much stuffs people do at the beach.

there are many skaters over there as well. it's a popular spot for skaters. i saw one girl who did a backward skating and she caught my attention. it's not like i didn't know how but i guess i was afraid i might slip and fall. i don't mind doing it unless i have become good at it. there's a skating rink near my house and i often practise there. i fall all i want over there and i injure myself all i want. there's not many skaters who look at you there. i am comfortable trying it there first.

experts say skating is a good form of cardiovascular exercise and it has been proven that skaters lost and burn more calories than cyclist and joggers. i have always been interested in anything with wheels except for skateboards. i find skateboards noisy and skateboarders have tarnish the sport as a nuisance. a lot of public properties have been damaged by irresponsible skateboarders and it's a shame to the sport.

skating has many different categories, i think i am more into recreational and cross training. i don't do agressive stunts but just simple tricks and stunts. it's fun when you know how, thanks to the infrastructures of singapore, skaters have the freedom to skate wherever they are. i switched my wheels last night and i cleaned them as well. the wheels have not completely worn out but i think i will buy the wheels just to keep stock while they are going cheap now.

have i told you that the skate shop i frequent is moving away and they are having this major sale for most items. wheels can be expensive when you are an active skater and needs to replace the wheels often. a good piece can cost up to 12 dollars for a piece. recreational skates usually have 4 wheels one one side and a pair of skates has 8 pieces of wheels. imagine paying 12 dollars a piece for 8 pieces of wheels and how much would a speed skater pay since they have to replace 10 wheels? but i still don't think rollar blading is an expensive sports. you don't need to buy any membership, you can skate anywhere anytime on flat grounds, you don't need sophisticated equipments to skate. it's so simple as ABC. it's a no season sports and you only can't skate when the surface is wet and slippery. so if there is an indoor skating rink, you can still skate even if it rains outside.

i am interested in becoming an instructor but i have to go for courses first. maybe i will go after i have completed my level 4 lessons. i still need to learn a lot of things. i love skating so much that i think i will still do it even when i still have the energy even when i am old. it's a great feeling to be able to feel the wind in your face when you are moving at high speed, not by car, not by motorcycles and not by bicycles but with a pair of skates!! you know diary, when i am on skates and going downhill, i can feel the adrenalin rush and the feelings are so magnificent! it's amazing and it's a good feeling, i can almost feel like i am flying.

ohh well, i am getting all emotional again. i need to get a few safety lights that i can attach to my skates and body because i always go for night skating. i seldom wear my helmet anymore but i still wear partial protective gears. i don't want any scratches or bruises anymore. i think the helmet safe me many times from unwanted brain cracks. there was a time when i was doing scissoring, i slipped and fell backwards, hitting my head hard on the floor that it gave out a loud bang. the second time was when i was doing night skating to sembawang park and it was so dark that i had a hard time seeing the condition of the road. there were many debris and portholes on the road and the surface was not at all close to smooth. it was rough and uneven, i was going downhill and the skate picked up speed, i ran over some debris and tried to avoid a big porthole when i slipped and fell backwards again hitting my head once again so hard on the road. i was sure if i had not worn my helmet, i would have had a slight injury at the head.

i planned to go there again maybe on one of these weekends and bring the rest of the skaters there. i guess we need lots of torchlights and a high sense of alertness. i also plan to rent a challet at ECP and bring my parents there to watch me skate. maybe they can rent the bicycles while my brother and i skate. it would be fun having the family together on an outing like that. and perhaps we can barbecue as well. my parents would love it very much. ermm, diary, all these talk reminds me of my late brother. i just wish that he's still alive...oh god, i miss him so much...

living with regrets...

dear diary, i have been thinking of my late brother again the whole day. i feel so sad whenever i think of him. i still think that i have not made enough effort to help him feel better during his last days on earth. i feel like i owe him something that i have not repaid. i do not know what it is but i know there is something that i have to do for him. i am not sure if the rest of my family members feel the same like how i do.

diary, i have been missing him a lot lately and i can only talk to you about it. i am afraid to talk to others because i do not want them to have the wrong impression of me. i am not petty nor an attention seeker but i need to talk to someone about this issue but i am afraid. i know i will cry if i talk about it and to make people feel sorry for me is a thing i hate to do.

there is something that i feel which i need to let go. i feel guilty about my brother's death. i feel so bad about it and how i wish i could turn back the time to make things right. i know it's not a good thing in Islam to be engulfed with sadness all the time but i cannot help it whenever i think of him. i can still feel the pain and loss. my heart seems to be sinking deeper and deeper, like there is something heavy tied around it pulling it down to the bottom.

there are many things that i regret for not doing and i just wished that he would have understand and forgiven me. it's not easy living under pressure. you feel like the whole world is against you. you lost the support of your loved ones and you are not getting the daily dosage of motivations and encouragements. you seem to wander aimlessly even though you knew where is your destination. your mind seem to get sidetracked from the agenda and your spirit is dampen by your sad thoughts.

for all the bad things i've said to him, i did not mean every single one of it. i was in a state where anger took control of me and i lost my senses when i said those things to him. diary, if i could explain to you how sorry i am for the things i have done and said, i would. all the things i do nowadays will only bring me back to the memories i had with him. i often remember when he fell from his bed trying to go to the toilet by himself. he called out my name and i found him lying on the floor. i almost lost my temper with him but i didn't. i was angry with him for not wanting to accept the fact that he was at that time, semi paralysed.

perhaps he knew what was his condition, but he wanted to do it on his own not wanting to burden us. perhaps he was ashamed to make us clean his mess. i didn't think of all that, all i thought of was how tired and worn out i have become helping to look after him. all i thought of was how much sleep i have lost. shame on me for having such thoughts. he threw tantrums and i tried to persevere, sometimes wishing that he would calm down fast so that i could continue watching my favourite TV programme. i didn't even spare a thought for him. my sense of empathy had not kick in and i was quite selfish with him.

i wish he knew how much i regretted it. if only i could shout out loud to the whole world that i miss him so much, if only i could just hug him one last time. if only i had treated him well when he was alive so that i do not have to overcome the many regrets i have had...

loneliness knows me by name...

dear diary, as i am trying to ignore the feeling of loneliness, i cannot help but to think of aramis. i have been missing her and i always wonder what would she be doing right now. is she missing me like how i am missing her? it's hard when you get yourself to be emotionally involved with a person. it's not easy to forget the things we shared. everyday i am hoping to receive a message from her telling me how much she has missed me. it came but i didn't know how to react. sometimes, i wish i never knew her so that i will not have a hard time living to forget her. if there is one woman that has touched my heart like no one else, it must be aramis. she's so different from the rest, like a rare gem.

people like her is not easy to come by. she breaks my heart many times and i can only forgive and forget. i guess this is what love is isn't it? you tend to overlook the flaws in the relationship that others see and everything she does seem alright to you even how much you are hurting inside. i guess it is true that what goes around comes around. i have hurt other girls who have love me like blood and now i am being hurt by one woman whom i have love like blood. i chuckle to myself sometimes thinking how i have deserved it. i just love her so much that i keep on hoping and praying that no one will ever hurt her even after how much she has hurt me. she is one woman whom i can say has succeeded in stealing my heart away. i love aramis forever! *chuckle*

i'm going skating tonight probably with cyclist and the rest. i am going to perfect my downhill and uphill skills. there's a park near my house and it has two very high slopes. i have tried twice and i did ok. i am going to try the zig zag skill of going downhill so that i will not wear out my brake pad fast. i have tried going downhill straight without criss crossing to reduce the speed, it worked but it only wear out my brake pad fast. it is fun and i cannot wait to try. furthermore, it really takes a lot of energy and stamina to climb those steep slopes up the hill and it can do wonders to my hip and bud! *giggles* i have been maintaining my weight but i have not lost it. this time round, i am sure i will lose some weight. i think i will pant like a dog and i will sweat like a marathon runner but i am sure it's going to be fun.

nothing is more exciting and fulfilling than doing your favourite sport to be in better shape. i need to get a new set of protective gear as mine has worn out and they stink especially the wrist guard. my elbow and knee guard are still in good condition, however i think i will still get a complete set. it would be cheaper like that. i skated for long distance last week without wearing the complete set of protective gear and i feel quite unsafe. i think i will make it a habit to wear my elbow and wrist guard next time. i need to get more sports bra and singlets as well. there's a Adidas boutique near here where it sells mostly old stocks and most of them are going at 50 percent off the original price. i think i have to make a visit to that shop soon.

little sister called me the other time and she heard my coughing voice. i didn't think it was bad but she think it is and she sent me an email the next day reminding me to go to the doctor. i read her email laughing and smiling at her cuteness. she is just so adorable. the thing that tickled me so much was the thought of her as my little sister, nagging at me telling me to go see the doctor otherwise she will drag me out of the house. i imagined my little sister, standing infront of me nagging with both hands on her hips, face looking very stern trying to make me scared of her. the thought of that couldn't stop me from laughing. she is so sweet. you know that she has found a donor haven't you? you know, when i heard the news, i was jumping with joy and only God knows how thankful i am. it's so difficult to get a matching bone marrow for lueakemia patients. *pray that the operation will go smoothly* i am tired diary, my friend is waiting to skate. got to go. i'll write again ok.

i miss him so much...

dear diary, i thought that i am getting over it but i am not. i keep thinking about him all day long. the expressions in his face keep flashing back and it only makes me feel more sad and hurt. i know i cannot keep on doing this but i feel that i had not done a better job in taking care of him while he was alive.

yes, i took care of him more than any other of my siblings but i feel that i didn't do good. i keep thinking of the times he wanted to change his diaper because it was wet. everybody was too tired, we had had many sleepless nights and had to go to work and school the next day. he called out my name but i ignored him. he called my mobile and i didn't pick up on purpose. diary, if only i could open up my heart and show you how i am feeling right now. if only feelings are not too hard to explain and describe. i listened to the voice message he had left me, he told me it's wet and he wanted to change, he even thanked me in advance. it's not easy to take care of the sick and disabled especially when they are prone to throw tantrums. every little things seem not right to them.

cancer killed my brother and how i hated that disease so much that i have made it my official enemy. i have stopped smoking and i am not going to light it again. i keep telling myself that he was the chosen one. indeed he was special and he still is, God loves him more than anyone of us and God has chosen him to be the one.

28 years old, young and strong with many dreams ahead of him only to remain as dreams, unable to accomplish. i will live his dreams...i know he's gone but his spirit still lives on. i will carry the torch and continue the journey for him. we are flesh and blood and it will remain that way. nothing will ever change that.

i am living with regrets now. i know i have failed him in some ways many times. you know that i am not very expressive in showing love but you know how much i love him. i tried my best to make it up to him. i read the 'Yassin' for him daily whenever i can. that's the least i can do for him. i keep him in my prayers and i hope he will forgive me for all the wrongs i have done.

i miss him all the time and i looked at his photos sometimes but most of the times i will just close my eyes and remember the times when we were young and playful. those memories are still clear as crystal to me. he was naughty but he was cute and adorable. i read somewhere that the only important time was the the time we wasted for not spending quality time with our family.

i keep looking back nowadays, i don't know but maybe i just want to reminisce the times i was with him. there are many things that i regret after his death and i can only pray to god to forgive me. before they took him away, i touched his arms to feel his skin and flesh. i kissed his forehead. his eyes were tightly shut, there was a piece of cloth around his face to prevent his mouth from opening. when you have experience something like that, you can feel that death is just seconds away from you. i looked at him and my heart sank. i touched my heart and i feel that it's slowly breaking into pieces. i am trying to fix it back now, it takes time, a lot of time but i know i can because i have faith. he will be missed and remembered always...

whatever is on my mind....

dear diary, i hate the way i dress today and i have lost all my self confidence for today. it's so irritating and annoying! i am never going to wear like this again. anyway, i don't look too bad it's just that it's too plain and simple. i have learnt my lesson and i'll be more careful to mix and match.

have you ever felt that way Diary? you are fairly good at fashion and you don't dress out of date but there will always be a day in every month where you just hate the way you dress, the way you wear your hair or the way you look. it is like a bad hair day and you lost your confidence over everything. you say to yourself that something is wrong with your jeans, or maybe your blouse. the colour seem not right, the combination does not work and you don't look good in it. your hair seem to be all over your head and it does not stand or sit right. the parting is not accurate, there's too much gel or wet look and your hair did not move an inch when the wind blow. it's natural but unnatural. damn!! i just hate that feeling. it demoralises you and you become so self conscious that every look aim at you made you try to think what did you forget to do with yourself today? and you start asking questions like, is there a zit on my nose? didn't i button my fly? is my hair out of place? do i look pale? is it too much make up? uneven blush on the cheeks? my lipstick smudge all over my lips? oh geeezzz...it is endless when you have become paranoid over everything especially over the way you look.

i have admired people who have such a high level of confidence. they walk with their shoulders straight, stomach in, chest out and they look straight. Simple in dressing but yet elegant and when they talk to you, you are charmed with their charismatic personality and professional approach. Friendly and cheerful but at the same time able to earn respect they rightfully deserve. intelligent but yet have a good sense of humour in the conversations making the interaction well balanced.

i have read in a book about building the charisma in you that you need to love, respect and adore yourself to be charismatic. it all starts from within and you have to start the revolution from small steps like taking ways on how to feel good about yourself. it also stated that our prophet Muhammad (saw) is still the top most charismatic leader of all up till today. that is because he founded the Muslim empire in a time when there was no civilisation. impressive isn't it?

oh yes diary, before i forget, i have finished chapter one of my novel and i am in the beggining of chapter two. i have to be a bit careful with this chapter cos this is where i am going to write about my views on religion, so a lot of research have to be made. this chapter revolves around the family with the main characters and it is also the birth of the issue of what this novel is all about. it's going to be tough and i need to get Kamus as quickly as possible. damn!! it's shameful when you have lost all the touch to write nicely and passionately in your own mother tongue. the vocabularies seem to be missing and not resurfacing. damn damn damn!!

oh i received a call from little sister last night. she sounds fine and naughty as usual. she said she was going to hang out at some mamak stall for teh tarik with her friends and her easy-to-get-jealous girlfriend. i told her not to stay out late at night. i hope she listens to me and have enough rest cos she is just out of the hospital. she wrote me an email too. she has successfully got herself a marrow bone donor and the operation will be conducted in two weeks time. my heart scream with joy when i read her email. i believe that my prayers have been answered by the almighty and only He knows how thankful i am for that. i hope the operation will be a smooth and a successful one. may she has a speedy recovery too. Thank you God...

i saw 'NONA' last sunday on TV and it featured a section on love that gone wrong. it interviewed two victims and one convict. the first victim was a young Malay woman in her early twenties. she caught my attention because she was thrown acid on her face and body by her ex boyfriend who got angry with her for calling the relationship off. i saw her on TV and the picture of her when she was hospitalised after the incident. her face was severely injured, her right arm and chest were severely disfigured, and she is blinded for life because the acid got into her eyes. her right arm got disfigured when she rubbed it against her eyes and face when she got hit by the acid.

my heartfelt sympathy and empathy goes out to her and her family. what sadden me most is she is the only child in her family. her parents are ageing and i wonder who will take care of her if anything were to happen to her parents? i feel for her and i hope she will be blessed with strong courage and faith to go on with life no matter what the circumstances are.

i cannot stop to think of what she has to go through after the incident and it makes me remorse. it makes me scared knowing that people would go to that extend because of an unreturned love. she showed a picture of herself before the incident and she is quite a looker i can say. imagine at a young age like that and has to come to terms with the fact that she will not be able to see the smiles of her parents anymore forever, not being able to watch the sun rises and sets. she couldn't enjoy life like before and has to live in solitude.

i cannot say how sorry i am for her, diary. even though i do not know her but her sufferings moved me especially when i looked at her parents. the sad face of her father trying hard to hold back his tears when interviewed. her mother's tireless face having to take care of her eversince she was a child till she is an able grown up becoming a disabled one. i just feel so sad over what had happened to her. why do people have the heart to do things like that just to hurt others? why do people even have such cruel intentions? i want to keep her family in my prayers. i hope that it will do some good for them. i am sad...please God, keep her family safe from any harm, make this world a better place for all of us without hatred...amin.

when your family is not growing...

dear diary, i wore my new levis today and i noticed that it expands after a few hours of wearing. it doesn't expand that much but still it expands though. i know that they expand a little after wear so i made it a point to wear only once after wash doesn't matter if it's top or bottom. anyway i have always had the habit cos i don't want to smell or itch.

you know what diary, i have known some people who wear their clothes more than once after wash and sometimes, these people have naturally bad body odour and when they stand or sit close to me, it stinks. i cannot help it but nobody likes stinky fellow. it is all about hygine isn't it? you don't have to look good, you just have to be smart, tidy and neat. take care of our outlook moderately and pay attention to neatness and tidiness.

i remember when i was in primary school. i was in the morning session and i still remember how some students did not look like they had taken their shower. their face were oily, their hair were unevenly spiky courtesy of the good night's sleep, they still had some dry stain of their drool at the sides of their mouth, their school uniforms were not ironed and worse af all they smelled horrible. you need not get near them, just wait for the wind to blow in your direction and you can smell them from a distance.

i was very unlucky to be sitted next to this kid who was taller and bigger than me. he was fat and he was extremely untidy and believe me, he sure smelled. i cannot do anything if he was not interested in personal hygiene but what bothered me most about him is that he had this certain sound everytime he breathed in. you know, those kind of sound people make if they have running nose, like a pig breathing in. yeah, that's it. i had to tolerate with that for one solid year because he was my partner and i am sure i heard that noise for the whole year everytime he breathed in. i had always thought there was something wrong with his breathing system or maybe his breathing technique but i kept it to myself because i lacked scientific evidence to break the news to him. i couldn't tell him anything if i am not sure of myself because remembering how fat and smelly he was, i wouldn't want my face to be caught in between his armpits and flabby arms. i could have suffocated to death and so i just kept my humble opinion to myself. i never fail to wonder if Health Education in school did help him to make any progress on his personal hygiene.

when i moved to secondary school, i thought that with the age and after 6 years of Health Education in primary school, kids my age were a little sensitive and aware of their outlook and body odour. i did not see many teenagers which have the unhygienic image in my school. however, when i attended the flag raising ceremony, a friend to my left might have forgotten to brush her teeth every morning and up till today i wondered if she ever realised how i suffered having to breath in all her smelly toxic breathe whenever we sang the National Anthem or the time when she talked to me. to add on to my misery, another friend on my left seemed to be sharing the same habit with my friend on the right. believe me, i would trade anything to have my position changed with anybody at that time. life sure is tough...

it was so unbelievable that people can ignore their personal hygiene to that extent. it's a turn off to be welcomed by these ugly sights and smell when you go to school to learn and study. i am glad that i do not have to relive that experience anymore. nevertheless, those smelly and untidy people deserve my salute for making me aware of my own hygiene and outlook till today. i still feel that i owe them a thank you or something at least because i know without them, i would never have realised how smelly and untidy we can be to the eyes of the public when we fail to take care of our most crucial property; our hygiene.

i bought 2 curry puffs today for lunch but i was not very hungry and i knew i could wait till dinner. i gave the curry puffs away to the cleaner and she was so thankful to me. i just thought what i did was nothing but perhaps to a needy person like her, it really means a lot. she has often told me of how she still has to work to make ends meet even when she is 64 years old now. she has a son who doesn't live with her and hardly acknowledges her as his mother. she has nobody to depend on. i listen to her stories attentively. i listen to her predicaments with sympathy. this is what will happen to me if i do not plan my retirement carefully. this is what will happen to me if i do not have enough savings for retirement. i try to help her whenever i can. i buy her food and i talk to her. i have become her friend and someone whom she talks to whenever she's down. i hope that she will be blessed with good health always.

mum called me and asked if i am fasting today. i can't cos i still have the cough and my throat is dry. i had planned to fast yesterday but the cough was bad. i hope i can start fasting tomorrow cos Ramadan is coming. we are not going to celebrate Syawal like the years before. it is just going to be simple and moderate. the cemetery might be our first place to visit this year. well, i don't mind cos i don't intend to celebrate it grandly this year either. the death in our family is still being felt and i guess this year's Syawal will be the saddest Syawal we have ever had. every family is growing bigger but my family is growing smaller with one less person. none of my siblings are married even when we have reached the ideal age for marriage.

the house has only four people now excluding my youngest brother. i never regard him to be part of the family probably because he has never stayed with us under one foor for more than a month. furthermore, he's attached closely to my dad's relative and hardly recognise relatives on my mum's side. it's just too complicated to tell. i feel so detached with him. i knew he was not given away but he was taken away without my mum's permission. up till now, i still feel angry with what had happen. they took my flesh and blood without asking, spoilt him and turned him into a brat!! there are so many things that i am angry about, they took away my brother when i was young and now i have lost another brother for real. all those moronic bastards should burn in hell. please pardon me for my language because i am so pissed right now. i am just so pissed...

what's wrong with the world?

dear diary, the news on TV showed that the Australia Embassy in Indonesia was bombed and they have suspected the Jemaah Islamiah is responsible for it. i am not sure if it is JI who is responsible cos looking at the casualties, many are locals. the world is going crazy and it is a misery to know that it is unsafe to go anywhere anymore.

all these violence by Islamic extremist is a sign that we can never put a stop to such acts and they are going to be more of such incidents again. there are so many violents on earth nowadays till the extent that we live in fear. i wish that the world will become a safer place to live in but i know it is impossible because no country can agree with the policies of another country and as long as america is going to dominate everything and the tension in the middle east is not solved, there is little chance of living in harmony.

i went to buy a pair of disposable contact lens for myself cos i need to use it tomorrow for the wedding. it's a turn off to be wearing spectacles on wedding like that. but i feel a little blurish and uncomfortable. i feel like there is something in my eyes. anyway, i think i better get used to it cos i am going to wear contacts often now. you know, i have been wearing spectacles since i was 12 but i never really taken seriously about wearing it cos i hate to wear spectacles. it makes me feel like there's something on my nose and i hate that feeling. i have got 4 pairs of spectacles now and i hardly wear them and my eyesight is getting from bad to worse. i always have to squint my eyes to be able to read signboards and menus hung on the wall of cafes or fastfood restaurants. it can be annoying actually. i often have to take the front seats everytime i go to the movies.

little sister was hospitalised for two days last week. i am disturbed by the news but i am praying hard to God for her. i love her so much and i hope she will be blessed with good health always. it is so unfair and if i can do a miracle, i would cure her from what she is suffering.

i saw the news about the prince of Brunei's wedding. i saw the bride who is half swiss and malay. she reminded me of aramis. they look alike only that aramis is older. i am still staying away from aramis. frankly i don't know what to do and how to react with her. i miss her so much but i know if i were to carry on with the relationship, someone might get hurt. she's too complex and mysterious but i knew i love her even before we met. 5 years of frienship is not easy to let go. forgetting her is like asking me to live without water. just imagine what would happen to me if i do that. for these past few days i keep thinking of all the girls that have left footprints in my heart. some are still in touch with me while others have dissolve moving on with their lives. i can only keep the memories i had with them and i wish them success and happiness and may they are always blessed with good health.

Feverish Thursday

Dear diary, I am still down with fever and it looks like it is not subsiding. The cough is killing me and my chest hurts everytime I cough. I have not been to the doctor but I have been taking panadols and I drink plenty of water. I hope the cough will stop cos I have a wedding to attend this Saturday and I have to help out with the serving of food and cleaning and it would be uncomfortable if I still have the cough. My body is burning up and my knees are always weak.

I went make up shopping this afternoon. I bought Red earth products by Esprit cos I am a member and entitled to 20% discount. I bought one lipstick, eyeshadow and a blusher. They look good on me and I am happy with the colour that I picked.

Little sister emailed me and I was so happy and glad she did. She had been busy but she has been dreaming about me a lot. She is so cute and adorable, I am still trying to recall how her voice sounds like. I always like to hear her speak cos she can sound so manja and naughty. I like manja and naughty girls. I worte her a long email just now and I asked her to tell me what has she been up to lately.

I have called Darul Arqam and enquired about the Quran reading classes and it looks like I have to wait till next year cos there are only 3 cycles of lessons conducted yearly and I have missed the last cycle. I hope to learn how to read it fast cos I do not want to waste anymore time. I think I will be comfortable in Darul Arqam cos it is a sister organisation of MUIS and it is the body responsible for the welfare of Muslims Converts in Singapore. I guess the course participants there are mostly non-malays who are Muslim converts. Mostly are adults and I am sure I will not be the only adult there to learn Quran. The teachers there are all qualified azatizah and they have only one purpose to be there; to spread the teachings of Islam and share their knowledge of it without having any other irrelevant or personal agendas. Darul Arqam is a recognised body by the Singapore Islamic Council and I can be sure that I won?t get sidetracked to other unlawful religious activities. I can?t wait to get started.

Guitarist and the voice sent me a couple of sms and we exchanged news. They are fine and I hope they will be strong to face all obstacles that lie ahead of them. They are my best friend and I love them so much. They are the two most trusted persons. I always feel save whenever I am with them cos I know we will take care of each other through thick and thin. I told them about my intention of learning the Quran and they encouraged me like they always do. They are the friends that I can really be comforable with. I can shout and yell and tease them mercilessly but yet we will remain friends still. We have had our fair share of fights and disagreements but the bond we have built between ourselves is stronger than steel and harder than rocks and nothing can tear that apart. I hope to bring little sister to meet them some day. I want to introduce little sister to them and I am sure they will be as natural as they have always been. Those two are really something to me. I guess my life would be boring without friends like them.

You know diary, as I am writing to you now, I am also admiring my new watch!! Hahaha?geeezz I guess I will never change. It really looks nice on me. and now out of a sudden I am thinking of my late brother. I miss him diary, I miss him so much. I just wish that I were given a chance to hug him. Many of my memories with him are coming back to me now and I am trying so hard to hold back my tears. I am sorry for him to be the chosen one among our siblings to leave this world first. I am sorry for him not to be able to achieve his dreams. I am sorry for him not to be able to taste mum's cooking anymore.

I am so sorry for him to be very sick during his last few days with us. I just miss him so much diary. I have been missing him everyday of my life since he left me. I think about him when he was a kid. How he taught me how to count money and coins. How we played together when we were kids. How he took care of me when we were in primary school. How he had use his pocket money to buy me an eraser just to comfort me. Please God give me the strength to carry on, give me the support that I need. Please have mercy on him?please?

Chatty Tuesday

dear diary, i feel like it has been a long time since i last wrote to you. a lot of things have happened while i was away from you. the things that happened made me realised that you cannot have your cake and eat it. it is the simple truth about life, love and death. we live our life as it is and just take it from there. we stumble and we fell, doesn't matter how, but we have to learn how to get up and start walking again. we have to take the bull by the horn sometimes. the only way to cure from a heartbreak is to face the truth. truth always hurt, that's what i always here people say. but we must not overlook that the truth could be our last hope of remedy. i have always told people that accepting the truth is the only way possible to mend a broken heart. i said, take the truth as the medicine prescribed by the doctor to a sick person.

no medicines on earth taste like candy or chocolates. they always taste bitter and it is a misery to put it in our mouth and eat it. but we still have to do it cos that's our only chance of getting better. sooner or later we will get better and i guess that is how it works with accepting the truth. we have to come to terms with the fact that someone we love has died, we have to come to terms with the fact that we have reached the finishing line in love with someone and it is time for letting go. things have always happen for reasons and we have to take it from there. love can be sweet and it also can be bitter, when we are in love, we just have to prepare ourselves to taste the two flavours of love. we can't choose the flavours, it will be decided by the events in the relationship and how well we handle it.

i am leaving aramis for good. i think it is time to be on my own. i have always been alone anyway, so it really does not matter. i didn't tell her i'm leaving, i chose not to. i am just going to dissolve from her life slowly like how she always does to me. no spoken words, no goodbyes, no farewell, no nothing, i am just going to fade away and never coming back for her even how bad she needs me. to love someone who has not given you anything but pain and hurt will not get you anywhere. it is time to let go and move on from where i left. true love need not be searched, it will come to you, we just have to feel the presence. she should have left me alone and i should never have replied her email when she appeared in my life after missing for 3 years. she came back to hurt me again and i think history is repeating itself. i have to start all over again of getting over her and believe me, it is a tall order for me. somehow i knew i will make it like how i always do. time is the great healer, and i know with time i will get back on tracks walking with head held up high, shoulders back, tummy in and i will walk with confidence. i am not game for a love affair that is too complicated to even imagine and reminisce. i will take things slow from now.

i have so many things planned for myself and i am going to achieve it one by one. i hope aramis will lead a happy life with the person who sincerely love her and can put up with her attitude. she has been my source of inspirations but it is slowly diminishing. i have always thought of her as someone i adore without a face, a body and a voice. a mysterious living thing seeking for my attention who does not want to give back. selfish and pompous, unbelievably insensitive and lack a lot of charisma. that's who i loved and maybe i love her still. it's scary to love like this, it really is. i wish i never met her because i am feeling so down and low for what happened. it's a crazy world and a tough one to live.

little sister called me last few nights. she was angry and maybe dissapointed with me as well. i have not replied her email and she has not heard from me for a couple of days. i have been busy and hard to reach. i apologised to her and explained to her. she's so good to me. she sounded so genuine last night. i knew that she has always been sincere and honest with me. she means every word she said and she was worried about me. i was sorry for her and i hate myself for making her worried. nobody has been worried about me the way she has. i knew now that i have someone whom i can call my soul mate, a friend and a sister through thick and thin.

i sent an sms to flying waitress last saturday. i was skating and it was 2 am in the morn. i was by the beach and it was near to the airport, there were many planes flying and i was reminded of her. things have been rough for us. i was rather rude to her but i have my reasons just like how she told me she has her reasons for being silent with me. i have decided to do my own things nowadays.

i have arranged for the designer and i to skate together someday. i have yet to teach her how to skate correctly and i hope she's a fast learner. it's good to have skate buddies. i skated by the beach for about 5 km and it was tiring but i didn't enjoy it much cos there were not many challenges and obstacles for me. it was a very smooth skate session with very few human traffics. it was so late at night and there wasn't much people by the beach, even if there were, most of them would be sleeping in their tents and challets. i noticed there were quite a lot of beach bars but i didn't see many pretty babes. a couple of girls looked at me with curiosity and i wonder why that is.

1001 Stories

dear diary, my apologies for not writing to you for a very long time. i have been busy and circumstances did not allow me to write to you. things have been fine for me so now i am able to write to you again. i feel that i have not been writing for a few years. it is so strange this feeling that i have towards you probably because i take you as my friend who is alive but without a face. anyway, i hope you are doing fine and well.

last saturday was dad's birthday and we brought him to dinner at little india. we went to this indian restaurant which serves one of the best fish head curry that i have ever known. it was our luck that we didn't get to eat the naan bread cos we came after 3 and the restaurant doesn't serve bread after 3 so we had to settle for rice. i heard that they have many varieties of bread and i cannot wait to pay the restaurant a visit again. it was 5 of us and i feel that we were short of a family member and i knew it is my late brother. sitting at the table brought me back to the days when he was still alive and how would he have behaved if we went out for dinner on special occasions like this.

i knew i am still missing him and i can only think of the good times i have had with him. sometimes, i really wish that i were given the opportunity to meet him again so that i can tell him how sorry i am for being rude to him while he was alive. he wasn't a perfect brother and he had made mistakes towards me and that was the only reason why i respect him less than the other brothers. i still reminisce at how i have been treating him and it makes me feel even more guilty and lousy. i miss him so much beyond words and descriptions. my heart's desire cannot be fulfilled by looking at his photographs.

it is not enough to mend this broken heart of mine. i know i am devastated and i am doing all i can to console myself. he came into my dream again last two nights. he was in the condition he was in before he passed away; disabled and wheelchair bound, i showered and i helped him to brush his teeth. i did not see his face in that dream but i knew it was him cos i was talking to him. i wonder if i would still feel the same about him 10 years from now. i am sure i would cos i know his love is as pure as the love of the Almighty and i will carry it with me wherever i am heading. i miss him so much and i hope i will have the strength to live with one less flesh and blood.

russia and i talk less and less nowadays and it is probably because of what has been said before. i got turned off by her statement and i guess she's gotten sick of my constant straight talk of calling it off. things are crazy nowadays and couldn't even bothered to fix it. the best thing to do sometimes is to just stay quiet. silent is always the best weapon to me. that is what i am doing with aramis. i chose to be silent and this silence is making me feel relax over everything. i do not have to think about anything else. let her think what she wants to think. i am consoling myself over what has been done and said. no one can do a better job about taking care of my heart than myself. i know that i still love aramis but i am afraid to pursue it anymore because i know eventually someone will get hurt and would probably die from the wound a slow and agonising death. keeping away from her is how i protect myself even how much i wanted to share my life with her. loving her from a distant is my best remedy and i will keep her in my prayers.

i wrote little sister an email and apologised to her for not writing. i am sure she would understand. she has been the greatest little sister anyone could have. i told her stories of what i did while i was away and how i have been coping with life. i miss her so much and i hope it is not too late to wish her a Happy Birthday. i need to get something for her.

oh yes, i bought myself a Titus watch and i like it very much. it has this unique design that really caught my attention when i first laid my eyes on it. it is pink and i only chose pink cos i like bright colours and pink stands out from the rest of the colours. i bought another levis jeans as well. i am going crazy diary. i have been shopping non stop since the day big brother died. i am not sure if i am doing it because i am depressed and buying myself gifts is an unknown method for me to console myself or it is just my habit to waste money like that. it can really get out of control. once i have started shopping i just can't stop and it is freaking me out. i think the retail theraphy syndrome has hit me and i need to take control from now on.

i received an email from a friend who offer to teach me learn to read the quran. i am touched and grateful that she has shown such an interest. i truly appreciate her intention but i doubt it would be convenient for both of us cos of the distance. she is in JB and it is quite a hassle for me to go there weekly. i am going to reply her email later on and thank her at least for her thought, sensitivity and understanding.

psychologist called me few nights ago and how glad i was when she told me she actually lost her phone. i was worried about her cos all my calls were not answered. we talked quite a bit and updated ourselves about each other's lives. i kind of miss her company. she is someone whom i consider a good person to talk to when you are in need cos she listens to you and make wise and matured comments about it.