Is She Not Going To Text Me Anymore...?

Dear diary,

I am missing infinity so much that only god can understand how. She has stopped texing me for one day now and it feels like it has been a year. It is funny how I often feel weird or mildly disgusted when I heard people use that expression and now I am using that for myself. I do miss her so much diary and I only have you to tell. I cannot tell my family as they will be suspicious and that is the last thing I want to do.

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This feeling is torturing me and I am not sure if I can look at infinity in the eye once I am back to kl. I really do not know how it is going to be with us now. She thinks I am getting sick and tired of her while I feel nothing at all like that towards her.

When Truth Can Be Hurtful...

Dear diary,

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I am so sleepy already but I know I have to write to you. Something happened today and I am not sure if I had sounded like I was sick and tired of infinity. She made it sound as if I have gotten sick of her. I hope I did not but if she wants to interpret it that way, then I cannot change that for now since we are apart.One thing that I have not told you about infinity is that, she is the type who does not leave home without me unless she has to leave on personal business like work. We always do things together and we are often seen together almost everytime. I am ok with that. I have no problem with that. However, I hope she will understand of how things have to change sometimes.

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I am back to singapore and I actually planned to come back to selangor on the 30th of oct. but my brother is bringing few of his friends home for a feast on Tuesday the 31st of oct. this means, mom will be doing the cooking,cutting,chopping,stirring and garnishing alone. If you had known me since I was born, you would have guessed that I would not allow mom to do those things by herself. Come on diary, any sensible tom dick and harry would have understand why I do not allow mom to do it alone. It would be tiring and most of all; I am reluctant to let her do all the hard work without any help. Therefore, I decided to prolong my stay in singapore to help mom do the cooking.

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However, of course this decision is made without consulting infinity. When I broke the news to her, she seemed unhappy and upset although she did not show it openly. Being her, she continues to text me telling me of how much she misses me and she wants me to come home early. I am very pressured by her at times. Sometimes I feel like she is making me choose between my family and her. I am sad actually but I don’t know how to explain. There are only two of us left and now that I am in malaysia, that makes only big brother is available to accompany my parents at home. I feel bad with myself if I couldn’t do anything to help up. I just have to stay a bit longer with them so I could lend helping hands to mom. I strongly believe infinity would understand but she is more concern about how much she misses me and pays no attention to the message I wanted to convey to her. I am not sure if she did get my message and just ignore it because she is too concern for her own feelings than mine.

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Whatever it is, I am sad and I must say that I am hurt.I lost my cool and I sent her some very straighforward messsages that only explain the very reasons why I wanted to prolong my stay in singapore. I let it all out and I was very direct and I must agree that I was a little emotional when I sent her those messages so I did sound a little harsh. Believe me diary, all I wanted to do was to let her know how I feel and perhaps I got a little overboard because when emotions take control of the mind, things can get a little out of hand. Yeah so, I screwed up a little in the reasoning part but I am just human am I not?I told her not to text me for a while because I was angry and I told her to think about what I have said like an adult. I guess she was hurt and she is probably thinking that I have gotten sick and tired of her. She is keeping silent and it is actually killing me slowly.

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There is no more message from her and I am losing my mind now. Diary, if what I said to her have offended her, I swear that I did not mean it. All I wanted was to give her some insights about my situation. If I am not the one helping my mum then who else will? I don’t have many siblings who I can depend on. You know what had happen to my family and it always makes me sad. I miss infinity a lot but I have not told her because I am ashame of myself. I wish she knew how much I have been missing her but I have to keep it to myself because I do not want to make myself choose between my family and my love.

Happily Married To Her

Dear Diary,

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It has really been a long time since I last wrote. I have been busy with life or perhaps I have been busy with marriage. Well, the thing is, Infinity and I are married!! Can you believe that? The last time I told you about her was when the time I was courting her and now, I am married to her. It has been four months now and I am living happily with her under one roof.

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Yes diary, I am living with her. I have moved out of my old home to a new one with her. It’s great and I am happy. I have never felt this way before. There are so many stories behind that but I have been away from you for too long to remember all the details and so I shall tell you only the latest happenings in my relationship with her. Oh my, before I begin even further, I have already forgotten the date I am married to her. I think I am getting weaker in the brain to remember dates and events vividly. All I do right now with my brain is to dream and imagine. That’s what I am really good at nowadays. I hardly use my brain for memorising and remembering. It worries me, really. I do not know how to answer questions during examinations anymore.

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Am I going crazy diary? Is something wrong with me? I am getting too much already now. I am lazy at almost anything and everything. I don’t revise my studies anymore. I don’t write to you anymore and in fact all I do nowadays is to dream and living my comfortable life under one roof with Infinity. She’s pampering me you know. She’s just so loving and caring that I could demand anything from her, but I didn’t and I won’t. Infinity is the woman I believe I will grow old with. We are married and it is official between us. You know how I feel towards all these don’t you diary? But when I am with infinity, nothing is impossible and nothing is illogical to me. That’s what infinity is capable of doing, she can make me sacrifice my principles and beliefs. Perhaps it is love that is responsible for my change in principles and beliefs or perhaps I just want a change. I do not know but I know I am doing it for love.

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We exchanged rings on the night we got married and we exchanged vows. You know what, I am laughing at myself now for telling you all these. It is funny but I was happy when I did it and I still am. It is just that, out of those many girls I have made my partner, I only feel this special with one woman and she is infinity. Never before have I felt like this towards any of those girls. I have become very commited and responsible towards the relationship and I know it is all because of love that truly comes from the heart.

the love bug is really hitting me

Dear diary,
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Infinity came over my house for lunch on Saturday. I cooked chicken curry, mashed fried potatoes with chicken meat and vegetables. I was happy with her visit and I tried my best to make her feel comfortable. I really wanted to make her feel comfortable at my home especially around me. I cleaned the house the morning I woke up and I went to Jusco to buy groceries. I was excited at the thought that she is coming but I am also so afraid that she might not be comfortable.
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She came on time and I showed her the directions to my unit. Surprisingly, I just gave her my address and she managed to find her way without getting lost. She called me and told me she was downstairs beside my car and I thought she was joking cos she likes to tease and joke with me. I looked out the window and yes, she was there beside my car. I laughed at myself for thinking that she was lying. I really wasn’t prepared at that time but how I was glad that I had taken my shower earlier. She knocked on my door and I opened the door with a wide smile. I tried to pretend to be calm and collected but only God knows how I was feeling at that time.
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Looking at her standing infront of me gave me the sense of warmth and belonging. I could feel that my heart was jumping and how I became so happy that I have found her.We ate lunch and we hung out at my home. We watched DVD, talked and chatted. I became more comfortable with her but I can never erase the feeling of being shy with her. I have always been shy with her regardless of the number of times we have met. I guess that is something I cannot avoid because she is very special to me. Have you ever felt that way diary? I guess I have fallen in love with her but have not let her known about it officially and thus I always get shy with her. I am not awakward with her but whenever she looks at me or if I feel that she is staring me, I get very uncomfortable and extremely shy till I wish I could do what every tortoise do; hide his head in his shell.
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Infinity slept awhile after lunch infront of the tv and all I could afford to do was to look at her sleeping. She looks so pretty and peaceful when she sleeps. She was like an angel from the sky that you can just keep on looking at because when you look at her you knew that you can never get sick and tired of her. You knew that she is the woman you want to love and you knew she is the woman that you can never get enough of. We cuddled each other but I was sure we didn’t get far. I don’t know diary, I am so afraid to hurt her or to do anything that scares her off. I am very careful with her because I honestly do not want to upset her by any chance. If I could do a miracle, I would make her happy everyday. That is my very wish this moment.

the woman that puts a smile on my face

Dear diary,

I need to speak to my brother…it has really been a long time.
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Dearest big brother,
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As I was about to write my thoughts to you, I couldn’t help but to be feeling so sad, guilty and lousy. You might have think that I have been ignoring you but please believe me when I tell you that I have been thinking about you whenever I breathe. It is still difficult living without you but I know I have to move on. I am sad whenever I think of you, and I am even more sad whenever I talk about you. I can’t help myself big brother, my love for you is still so strong that it is not illogical to say it is unbreakable.Many things happened in my life that I do not know which one to tell you first.
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I have been dreaming a lot too but the frequent phone calls from mom and dad help to keep my feet on solid groud. Dad bought me a car and I have been swaying from my books. So much for gratitude. But I know I will pull it off someday somehow like how I have always will. I have met someone. I call her infinity. Before I begin further, please accept my apologies if you do not like what you will be reading but I am letting you know about the thing that inspires me discreetly.
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I know you will somehow accept what I am and be happy about the news I am going to let you know. I have known infinity for a couple of days now and perhaps our level of affections have grown a little bigger. I am happy about it because it has been awhile since I have felt this way. I have stopped finding love with women, I just flirt with them you know. Somehow, after your death, I am mellowed a little and I slowed down. I have met many women but I wasn’t seeing anyone.
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Infinity is simple but moderately sophisticated and charming. She is fun to be with because she is sweet and nice. i was so shy when I first laid my eyes on her. She just stunned me and I always stammer and fumble with my words whenever I was with her. She made me feel groovy all over again. It has been awhile and I felt good. The first time I met her, I did not even dare to look at her too much because I was afraid she might have gotten the wrong side of me. I was watching her but only from a distance. She didn’t talk much but everytime she spoke, I took the opportunity to look at her. Those were my only chances to look straight to her face. She was quiet but without saying a word she could make my heart beats faster than usual and my palms all sweaty.
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I was curious about her and I wanted to know her.She is special to me big brother. Confessions have been made but I guess we all just take it slow and leave things to mother nature. It is better like that than to rush things. I think I am falling for her but I do not want to push things fast forward. Let it flow, take it slow people say. I will probably do that. I just want to be safe. The last time I felt this way was with flying waitress. Things did not turn up as expected but I am fine. It hurts a little but it gives me the pleasure of knowing her. I am happy now big brother, infinity made me feel all excited again. Every text message from her is saved in a folder in my phone. I am not obsessed but I just want to treasure the thoughts she has for me while I can.
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I miss her everyday but I do not tell her that. I am afraid that she will get sick of me one day if I get too mushy with her. I am always careful whenever I express myself to her. Perhaps I am so afraid she might get turn off with me and leave just like what aramis and flying waitress did. I often think about her and I wonder at times if she would be doing the same thing too. I am not sure about the future but I want to live it daily with happiness. You know I have stopped making long term plannings but somehow or rather, infinity has been my inspiration. It’s not about having her but it is about knowing her. To have her or not is secondary, the primary thing is I treasure her.
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She has said that she doesn’t really know what does she want out of me but she admitted that she likes and loves me. I smiled when she said that and I was dumbfounded. I didn’t know how to react. I was speechless for the frst time with a woman. I really did not expect her to say that because I wasn’t sure she would be feeling that way. The thing about infinity is, she is straight and I really couldn’t tell and to expect what was coming from her. If something did come out of her, I really honestly couldn’t tell what was she expecting from me. It is like not knowing what to do and how to react anymore. I don’t know what’s going on with me but I guess this is the first time I am getting myself involved intimately with a straight woman.I have never made my move on her. I have never tried to come on to her because as much as how I wanted to kiss her, I still give her the respect she truly deserves from me.
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I miss her big brother but it is something I dare not say too often. She is someone that makes me feel like kissing everytime she speaks. I have to admit that whenever she speaks, I do not hear the sound of her voice but instead all I hear was myself saying how much I wanted to taste those lips of hers. Do not think of me as a pervert but I just couldn’t help it because I really think she is sexy. When she touched me, I get goosebumps and I became nervous. I do not have any plans of what I will do but if I were to love her, I will love her passionately. I know the minute I have accepted her in my life, it is also the minute where I tell myself that I have to let her go someday.
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I might have love her already but I know I cannot get what I want out of a relationship living life like this. Whatever it is, she is one woman who has left footprints in my heart.What do you think big brother? I am sure you would have like her if you were to meet her. I like her the first time I saw her. Have you ever felt that way big brother? You knew you like someone the very first time you lay your eyes on her. It was like magic. You smile all day when she calls or when she text. Just one message from her is enough to make your day. You don’t need to be close with her but hearing her voice is sufficient to make you feel close to her. What is it big brother? Do you call that love? I am not sure but I know I like her and I enjoy her company and I am probably falling in love with her.
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Little brother has come and stay with us for good. I am not sure if I have told you that in my last letter to you. I am happy about it and so is mom. Dad and mom are doing good but they are busy about the house construction. It is almost ready and we also need lots of money to finance the project. I might go back to singapore for a couple of months to work and save money before I continue my 2nd year. I think I will get a few months break and I am going to use it wisely. I have been struggling you know. I think I have spent too much time outside than at home with my books. I feel bad and down lately. I get demotivated easily nowadays.
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There was once I text almost all my friends seeking some motivational quotes from them. A few helped me but the most vivid one I remember was from survivor. She told me about the dream condominium I wanted to get and about the car. She told me how she has faith in me. I smiled, I nodded and I knew it then, I could make it through. I have been listening to Josh Groban, You Raise Me Up so many times lately. That is because I probably want to get inspired by the lyrics in that song.
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It always reminds me of mom and dad everytime I listen to that song. It motivates me and it brings me to the time how mom and dad struggled to raise us up with little money but with abundants supply of love. The thought of them could make me cry and how I remembered when we were once a complete happy family. I miss those moments very much…if only I could do a miracle and rewind those moments. I have skipped some prayers and I have not read the Yassin or the Al Fateha to you. Forgive me for being so insensitive to your needs big brother. I am just not very stable right now.
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I am probably in denial but I have lost all the juice and steam. I need a dose of motivations and inspirations. I will probably get that from infinity. She’s someone special to me now. I adore her and I admire her. She’s a good person you know. She planned something for my birthday. That even made me more shy toward her. I lost my grip with her because I became so shy that I hardly talk to her. It made her feel uncomfortable and she thought I was upset with her. I couldn’t hold my expressions at that time. I was pissed with pretty boy over some issues. I got turn off and I got angry. I was rude to her and infinity had the impression that my sour face and lousy attitude were directed at her. I felt even more lousy and worse. I made it up to her and it all started from there. She’s so forgiving. I love her and I adore her very much. I have to go big brother, I will write to you again when time permits.
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I love you forever.

resisting good offer

Dear diary,

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I have decided to stop referring to her as she, instead I will give her a name. I am still thinking of a name and I will let you know what it is once I have settled on a name. Wait, I will probably call her infinity. Something so significant happened for my birthday and it was all courtesy of infinity. I didn’t really know what was the plan but infinity, ‘pretty boy’ and ‘survivor’ planned to have dinner and I was invited.

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My birthday was just a few days ago and then came this dinner invitation. I kind of had this feeling that it has got something to do with my birthday but I didn’t want to assume too much so I just took the invitation. All I wanted was to spend more time with them especially when infinity is around. I didn’t care about the occassion at all. I went back home that noon to get a fresh change of clothes for the dinner. Since I have not been going home, I really needed that break to go home. I knew I had to come back as I have promised them that I will be back after that. We actually went for supper the night before and infinity offered me something which I still could not believe it.

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Something happened to my car concerning some of its security features. infinity knew about it and wanted to help. She offered me to park my car at her home and allowed me to drive her car home and she will drive my car to work and at the same time get the car fixed. I was very surprise with her offer but simultaneously I was overwhelmed. I was thinking if she was really genuine about it all because she was going to let me have her car which worth more than my car for a day till she gets my car fixed. I was contemplating to take her offer or not but I couldn’t help to think that she is possibly the most kindest and caring person I have ever come across.

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She barely knows me but yet has offered me an offer which is beyond what some friends could have offered. This girl is for real, there I was saying to myself. I was thinking, if I were going to take up her offer, that would be an opportunity for me to get close with her. I could have made good use of the offer. I was still thinking if I should or should I not. I finally came to the conclusion I should not have because I really did not want to trouble her. Furthermore, it was crazy because I do not want to dent her car unintentionally. I have never driven a waja before and it’s kind of big compared to my kancil. I really didn’t want to jeopardise the relationship and trust I am building with her. I just have to resist her offer.

all for the sake of her

Dear diary,

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I had spent my time with my friends and she was there most of the time. We played pool and bowling. I had a great time till I didn’t want to let the moments passed. It was all about her and nothing else. I just couldn’t get enough of her. I didn’t really make efforts to have a decent conversation with her neither did I make efforts to have small talks with her. I was too shy and timid.

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That is just how I am with girls I am attracted to. The night when we played pool, for the first time, I tried to learn how to play it. I played a game which proved how I really suck at it. I didn’t even know how to hold the stick or the cue, whatever they call it. I guess it was because I felt comfortable when I had my closest buddy with me on that night. Survivor made me feel comfortable and I also was trying to have a good time.

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I tried and I got more than what I have bargained for. They taught me how to play and the most nicest thing, she gave me a tip or two and even held my hand to guide me how to hit the ball. It was nice and that made me so nervous that hitting the ball was not my priority at all. She was so cool, relax and calm. She was helpful and sincere. She was genuine. Most of all, she was original. You know how I feel with original girls. Originality never goes out of style. At that point of time, I wish that I could always be with her. It doesn’t matter what is the level of intimacy we will have between each other, all I wanted is to be with her.

a little story about her

Dear diary,
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Since I have lived in KL, I have met many girls that I am fond with. The more I tried to focus on my studies, the easier I got side track. I am not sure if that is because I lack self discipline or it is because of my weaknesses with girls. Afterall, I am no saint and I do have very strong cravings for people of the same sex as I am.

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Things were not so bad without the car, however things have got a little out of control after the car arrived. The only option I have now is to get back to basics and think of my family more especially my parents. After all the sacrifices they have made, it is shameful of me to fail them. Therefore, I am constantly reminding myself the purpose I moved to KL.I have been making efforts and I cannot tell you for sure if I have been successful in it. Exam is on the 19th of May and I have barely 2 weeks to get my face buried in my books.

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For the first time, I have felt the difficulty focusing on my goals. I know the reasons why but I am not telling you just yet.I am confident that I can make it through but the process of upholding that confidence can be quite a tall order especially when I have to overcome my weaknesses. I have been meeting a couple of girls and I have to admit that I might have took a liking on one of them.It was really unexpected and I did not even think that it was possible.

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She is straight and from my understanding has plenty of boyfriends to pick and choose to get serious with. The first time I met her, I never thought she would catch my attention but I couldn’t help myself from feeling very shy toward her. She made me feel that feeling of excitement all over again. I felt like a kid seeing the only toy that he has ever wanted when I saw her. I didn’t dare to look her in the eye the first time I saw her. She seemed distant and I did not dare to approach her. It was probably because I had registered in my mind that she is straight but then, there are many straight girls I have known who have diverted their sexual preference to people of the same sex as them. Somehow, being straight is not the only reason why I think I may not succeed in pursuing, it is also because she has the style and substance that may make men feel head over heels with her.

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First of all, my impression of her is that she is simple but yet has the qualities that would make people attracted to her. The first time I felt this way was the time when I was getting to know the flying waitress, do you still remember her diary? For the second time, it is with this girl I have met. I have to admit she makes me nervous, my heart pounds and beats loud and fast till I feel that it is going to explode anytime if I do not take control of my feelings. I had spent three days and nights with her with my friends whom had introduced me to her. I was supposed to be studying but I turned my books away just because I wanted to be close with her. I felt her pressence and I wanted to keep it alive. She’s like a magnet that pulls me away from my books and she is like the new toy a kid got for a present that diverted his attention away from all the old collection of toys. I knew it then, she is special.

catching up slowly

Dear diary,

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It has been a long time since I last write to you. So many things happened that I couldn’t recall some of them, but for the moment, things have not been good to me but people have been good to me. My life over here has been great but I must constantly remind myself not to forget my main priorities which is to study.There are so many things that I have not been telling you diary. I have got my license for motorcycle but I have decided not to ride.

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Dad bought me a car and I am mobile nowadays except that I have to learn and get familiar with the routes. The car is doing fine, it is white but with different shades of white on some parts of the body. Dad bought the car in Johor and I drove the car from Johor all the way to kuala lumpur. Nothing happened in the journey and that probably proved us that the engine’s good. We paid cash for the car because dad didn’t want to have any commitment to pay monthly installments.

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The physical conditions of the car is fine, it is just that I did some accesorising and made it look sporty. I added front, back and side skirtings to it. I added a spoiler and recently, I added red coloured mud guards to it. It has the looks that I want and I feel good driving it. I had Jack of all trades to spray my wheel cover white and my car really look like my dream car now, all white without having any other colour. Having the car makes me become independent as I do not have to depend and rely on the public transport, however it also makes me lose my focus on my studies. I have been going out too often than I should. I have always feel bad about it but I am trying to do something to make up for it.

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I am not sure what has got into me this semester but I tend to spend my time more with my friends than with my books. I have been skipping classes more often than I should. What is going on with me diary?It worries me deep down inside and I hate to be feeling this way. I guess all I can do nowadays is to study hard for my exam and pass my papers. I need to pass my papers so that I can renew my student visa without any hassle or problems. It worries me so much that everytime I wake up from sleep, my mind would be thinking about school and studies. I have to stop doing what I have been doing which is to go out and have fun with friends or sacrifice my student visa being revoked.

a system that can be hazardous in the long run

Dear diary,

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I came back to kl to complete my motorcycle theory driving lessons. I had to complete it quickly because I do not want to waste anymore time. I need the license before school starts. I called up my instructor and told him that I was ready to take the test. We arranged to meet at nine in the morning. I left Singapore at six in the evening and got to kl half an hour after midnight. Peugeot came to fetch me and we went for supper first before he sent me home.

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Kelisa and I exchanged text a few times while I was having supper. We just exchanged news and updated each other.I got home close to two in the morning and kelisa called me and we talked for awhile. I was feeling very sleepy and I knew I had to get some sleep but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her that I needed to sleep. It was a good thing to have someone calling you up to talk. It shows that the person is concern about you but I wished it were some other time. While I was talking to her, I just repeatedly told myself that I needed to wake up at half past 6 in the morning to be able to meet my instructor at nine in the morning. It was already half past 2 in the morning and I was still on the phone with kelisa. I wanted to talk to her some more but I also needed to go to bed early and I was in a dilemma.

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I think she kind of got the message that I was dead tired and told me she has to hang up. We said goodbye and hung up. I cancelled the appointment with my instructor. It was three in the morning and I was sure he would get the message in the morning before he prepared for our appointment. I went to sleep immediately after I text him but I still set the alarm at six. I was surprised that I woke up to the sound of the alarm and half an hour later, I got a text message from my instructor. He told me that I could not cancell the appointment as he already paid for the fees. I was not sure if it was true but I took him seriously and told him that I will come at noon since I have until three in the afternoon to sit for the test. I came on time and sat for the test. It was so much different from what I had to go through in Singapore. The result was instant and that was a good thing. There was not any invigilator during the test and I was surprised.

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There were students who copied and asked other candidates for the correct answers during the test. I could only watch at them and kept my opinions reserved to myself then. I failed the first time and registered again for the test the second time. I waited about half an hour before I sat the test for the second time and this time round, I passed. I was glad and happy about it. That meant I could proceed to the next stage and I was just hours away from getting my ‘L’ license.

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All I needed was the ‘L’ license and I will be on my way to ride to school. I passed the test and went for the next lesson, which comprised of theory and practical. I completed the theory and proceeded to practical. Surprisingly, I did not even ride the motorcycle and I was able to get my ‘L’ license. I didn’t even know how to start the motorcycle so how do you expect me to know how to ride? The instructor did not seem to be concern about it at all. I was really wondering if I was able to get my ‘L’ license when I did not even try to ride the bike. I got it, somehow it put a smile on my face, and on the other hand, it really made me wonder about effectiveness of the system.

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I cannot deny that it made motorist easy to have a license but on the contrary, it produces incompetent motorist. It can lead to more accidents on the road for motorist because they do not have proper training and skills from the right places. It was as if the driving school expected the students to know how to ride the motorcycles before registering for the class. A group of students who were not familiar with the mechanism of the motorcycle spoke with one of the instructor. He brought us to the side of the circuit, showed us how to start the motorcycle and explain about the different parts of the bike. He excused himself for lunch and promised us to be back to continue the lessons.

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We tried starting the bike on our own; each of us took turns and waited eagerly for the instructor to finish his lunch. Half an hour later, he still did not come back and we waited patiently. Half an hour turned to an hour, it went further to two hours, and still there was no sight of him. Many of the students started to complain while I just sat at the corner observing them. This whole thing seems to get ridiculous to me. Nobody even cared if we had tried on the bike and nobody even cared if we had had proper training before we were given our ‘L’ license. It is getting unbelievable and it upset me. The class ended without the instructor and I could only afford a shrug. On my way back to the LRT station, my instructor asked for another fifty bucks for the computer retest. I gave him the money with full of doubts. He did not even give me the receipt and I just could not be bothered to ask for it. All I wanted to do was to go home and sleep because I was really using too much of my energy then. It was quite an experience, learning how to ride a motorcycle here and I began to have second thoughts about my intention to ride to school.

don't let history repeat itself

Dear diary,

It has been a long time since mom and I have cold war with each other. I hate that feeling of uneasiness between the two of us whenever we have silent disagreements and stop talking with each other for awhile. It makes me feel very awful and lousy. Sometimes I wish that it never happened and that we are both on good terms always but I guess things like that do happen or perhaps have to happen among kins and friends. Mom and I are doing it again, this time it seems serious.

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I was hurt by her actions and remarks and I got turned off. It happened at the wrong time with a very petty reason. I shall not elaborate but I am really hurt. She was supposed to send me to the bus terminal to see me off to KL but I pulled the door behind me and left in a hurry. I told her not to send me. I was shaking and felt so hurt but I guess she was feeling more hurtful by what I did. I am not sure. I am her daughter afterall, her flesh and blood. Everytime this happen, I always get sentimental and I get all sad and broken inside. This silence is killing me softly.

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Perhaps mom is feeling the same way too. I don’t know diary. I do feel it sometimes that I am getting unfair treatment from my parents but deep down inside I know they love each one of us equally. It is hard to say and difficult to conclude. I have a happy family but I am sensitive and I tend to get affected easily by any slightest remarks thrown at me especially if it comes from my family.

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I cannot handle it and I may snap or sometimes I’ll get all weak inside.I came home today and since I stepped inside the house, mom did not speak to me till the time I went to bed. I too did not speak to her. I don’t know what to say to her and how to begin. The damaged has been done and I do not know how to remedy it. I was hungry and I noticed that mom did not cooked anything for dinner. Maybe she did but she did not offer me anything and so I fried myself some eggs to go with the plain rice. I felt as if I was in KL cooking myself dinner alone. It is no difference and how I wish that I never did what I did to her.

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I never started it diary…she did and I have to pay the price. I guess I will just let things be. Let nature takes its course. I am sad over what happened but I really have no choice. It was very hurtful and I felt that she was making mountain out of molehill. I hope this will be over soon because it is really bothering me.

she's so nice...

Dear diary,
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I went for my exam this afternoon. I wasn’t late but when I got there I couldn’t find my name on the list. I got panicked a bit and consulted one of the clerk. He told me to go to level eight and check my name there. I went and I couldn’t find it. I looked at my watch and it was 5 more minutes before exam start. I hate to be late and to be in a rush. I always make sure I arrive early for my class. I looked at the list again and there it was, my name without the surname. I got to my sit and I tried to calm myself.
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Many of the students have already got to their seats. They were all prepared and ready to sit for the exam. I see the determination in their faces. I wasn’t sure if I was ready but I knew I had done all I could within my capability to get myself prepared. Unit 1 paper was the toughest to me. I read the first question and I didn’t know how to do. I went on to the second question and I got the same feeling. I proceeded to the next one till I managed to find the question that I know how to do. It was really tough. As you know, I was three weeks late for my school. I missed the beginning of the lessons for unit 1 and that made me kind of lost when it comes to discussing about unit 1. I don’t know how will I do but I hope I will pull it through with the rest of the papers. Unit 2 and 3 were fairly tough and easy. But I managed to answer all the questions for unit 2 and 3. the question now is, how correct are my answers.
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I left home early and was on the train to KL central when candyfloss called and asked if I want her to pick me up. She did not go for her class cos she had difficulty finding a space to park her car. I believed her when she told me that because ei know what it is like to drive here. I got to KL central at 11 am and she was there waiting for me. You know diary, candyfloss is nice and sometimes I wonder what are her feelings toward me. Honestly, I like to be around her. I enjoy her company everytime she’s around. She’s simple and understanding. I like those kind of girls. I was very glad that I made that call to her. Otherwise we wouldn’t be talking to each other. We would not have known that we are in the same school.
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How I remember when I first entered the school and thought to myself what if I run into her in the school hall, what if I see her in the lift. You remember I told you I wanted to ring her and say hello. I did that and she welcomed my move to rekindle old friendship. She wasn’t home at first but I left her a message. Her mom probably passed her my message and she called me back. That’s when it all started. I never asked her anything about her status, I didn’t ask if she is seeing someone or is there anyone she’s hoping to be with. I chose not to go into personal details.I have hang out with her twice already since I came back back a week ago. I am going back to singapore tomorrow but will be back before 6th of feb to KL cos school starts on the 6th of feb.

victory is a bliss...!!

Dear diary,

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My driving test was on the 5th of January and to tell you the truth I really did not think that I would pass my test. How can I think I would pass my test when I did not have much practice? I think I have clocked more than 40 hours of practice but that was for my first test and after that, I had less practice because I was in KL and the practice sessions were held in singapore. You know that I failed my second test and this time, without much practice, I never thought I could pass my third test. I thought that I was a road hazard. Preparing for the third test was easy.

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School was on holiday and so I did not have to skip class to go back to singapore to take my test. I had booked three hours of lessons with my instructor and I went for my classes. The first hour was hell. I was very nervous and was driving carelessly forgetting all the proper techniques. My driving skill had become very rusty, my instructor told me. Well, who could have blamed me? If I had more money and time, of course I would have booked more lessons. So after all that not so nice comments about my driving skills, I certainly did not have the confidence to pass. Anyhow, I knew I had to sit for my test. I got cold feet and almost withdrew myself from the test. And I thought to myself, hey, come on I have made it this far and why would I want to give up when I am almost through. I boost my confidence and I waited for my name to be called by the tester. I felt my heart beating so fast that I think it could have dropped out of my body and went bouncing on the floor. My knees were shivering and I felt my legs becoming like jelly, soft and wobbly. All I could do then was to recite ayat Kursi repeatedly.

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I never stopped saying it until the time I had my tester in the car with me. When we were in the car, I made my very first blunder and I felt so silly. The seat was already adjusted to my preference but I just thought that I wanted to be more comfortable and I adjusted the seat again. I accidentally let go of the lever and the seat went backwards, I felt like I was taking a ride in the roller coaster. What was even worse, as I was going backwards, my right feet accidentally stepped on the accelerator and imagined this diary, the seat went backwards with me inside it and the car went forward when I accidentally stepped on the accelerator. The car jerked but did not move because luckily, I did not released the handbrake. It was the most good thing I did during the test, otherwise, I could have got an immediate failure.

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The rest of the ride was fine except for a few hiccups here and there thanks to my never ending nervous breakdown syndrome. When the tester told me to turn left, I turned right and all I could do then was to apologise and smile not so very proudly. It was hillarious and comical.The tester spoke to me all the way during the test. I just thought that it was a good idea regardless what his intention was. When he talked to me, I felt a little relieved because it made me felt less nervous. I think I drove ok and I proved my driving competency. I really did not know if I would passed my test then but I did and I thank God very much. I am now holding a Class 3 driving license and I am entitled to drive a car now. It sure feels good to accomplish something that you have work so hard for and it's time to celebrate. Congratulations to myself! This is truly a spiritual joy; the ecstasy of salvation.