Should've Said No- Quinn Finn Puck

All of us must learn how and when to say 'No'...it can save lots of trouble...

Go Ahead, Laugh All You Want

Dear Diary,

I went to the meeting today and I was asked to 'go home' jokingly by the senior agents. Well it seems that the meeting is only for those who have not passed the CEA exam and have not had 3 transactions. I have not got 3 transactions but I have passed my CEA exam and so I am safe. I understood the new regulation. When I read about it, I honestly did not feel that I am affected. My manager might have misunderstood it. I sometimes wonder if he digest and understands what he reads because he always gives me wrong informations. There are a couple of times where he misinformed me of things and I had to get the correct informations from HDB call centre. 

That is the thing about being in this industry. Most of the old generation of agents are not very highly educated. Back then, the government is not strict of the minimum requirements to be a real estate agent. As long as they can do sales even when they speak bad broken English, they can be considered as an agent. So many complaints have been made against these agents thus the government is taking steps to increase the minimum requirements. It is about time the real estate industry in Singapore is to be scrutinised and regulated. 

I felt very challenged just now when they jokingly asked me if I did not understand the email enough to be present in the meeting. I defended and explain myself. One of the senior agents who has reached the Division Director level then asked me to 'go home' because I need not be present in the meeting. His remark invited a roar of laughter from the other agents and of course I laughed too trying to show him that I got his joke when I really felt like kicking him in his balls, give him one karate kick to his stomach breaking his intestines and punch him in his face so hard that his face would be disfigured. 

Most agents come from a humble background and they are not bound by any office protocols. They may be the Senior Division Director or Senior Group Director but one has to bear in mind that real estate agents got promoted not because of their qualifications instead they got promoted by their performance in sales. An agency does not take into account your personality, educational qualification and your aptitude. All they care about is how much sales you bring into the agency monthly. When you have achieved the target sets by the company, you will be promoted and carry the title like as though you are the top and most powerful person in a multinational company. That is how real estate agency functions. There are so many directors because there are so many divisions in an agency. The more divisions they have, the more salespersons there are and that leads to more sales and income for the agency. 

So even if you hold PHD in business or a rocket scientist by qualifications, trust me, you are nobody to the other agents until you bring in sales into the agency. My Senior Division Director does not even speak proper English with his dictions almost match the ability of a fishmonger speaking English. But who cares anyway because he brings in almost $2 million worth of sales for the company monthly. That is how he earns his title and status in the agency. 

I am cool about it all however their laughter today just gave me some sort of motivations and desires to prove them what I am made of. I was angry with them for laughing at me. They made me upset deep inside. Their laughter actually became the fuel for my journey in this industry. All I want to do now is to bring in more sales to the agency and walk with my head held high, shoulders back and a million dollar smile on my face. When I am there, they will know who I am.     

My Sunday Open House

Dear Diary,

I just came back from visiting and it was really a tiring and sleepy day for me. I helped myself to the food that was served in every house. Not that I was hungry but it was more of being courteous even though I can feel that my stomach was exploding. I haven’t had so much food in a day for so long and today seemed to break the pattern. I am not proud of it at all.

How are you my dearest Diary? It seems funny how I am struggling to find ideas on what to write to you now because just about this afternoon, I found myself eager to pour out what was on my mind. Perhaps the sleepy syndrome has just hit me. I did not feast freely on the food however I had a few of everything. Honestly it has been a long time since I attended open house invitations. For the past 5 years I only spent the first week of Syawal in Singapore and I went back to Subang Jaya for the rest of Syawal. I did not go for any visitings when I was in Subang Jaya. It was a quiet but of course relax Syawal for me. This year, there is no more place in Subang Jaya I can call my home. Home is long gone together with all the love I once had over there.

I miss Flying Babe, my car, my home and my life over there. Life in Singapore has certainly created a small scale shock in my life. Many of my relatives have come to know the fact and in some aspects, it is good for my career as now I can promote myself to the closest circle of people around me; my relatives. In insurance and property industry, you always go for the closest circle of people you know to create your first sale. I might have a cousin sister who is selling her private property I think she is toying with the idea now.

I am not hoping for her to engage my service instead I am rather afraid. I don’t know Diary. I am so new in this industry and I am fearful I might just screw up or did not perform up to her expectations. Well, it is ok Diary, I think I will still service her if she seeks for me but if she does not, then I won’t be affected by it. We are still family anyhow. However deep inside my heart, I would say that it is good if she engages me because it is always delightful and advantageous if I get to close my first successful transaction with people in my circle of relatives. It is just like my first HDB transaction.

Oh well Diary, I would love to write some more but I have to sleep. I have to attend a meeting tomorrow at 2 and start working diligently. Pray for me Diary.

Dianna Agron On Set Of The New Season Of Glee

Look at her...!! I love her so much!! Oooohhh..she's just so drop dead gorgeous.....muahs muahs muahs!!

10 Things You Don't Know About GLEE's Dianna Agron!

She is very girlie....she wears dresses almost everyday..wow...ooohhh...girlie....neat!!

Gleek tour: 'Glee's' Dianna Agron & Lea Michele

If I can have Dianna Agron looking at me like how she looks at Lea in this clip for just one time..........

'Glee': Dianna Agron lives with her show nemesis in real life

Dianna Agron...awww....so amazingly sweet and pretty...hear her laugh...wouldn't you be weak at ur knees hearing her laugh....?

All Play And No Work Makes Me A Poor Girl

Dear Diary,

My house is sold once again and I hope this time the deal goes through without any problems. The buyer is a Filipino couple who holds Singapore Permanent Resident (SPR) status. When they came to view the house, I kind of get the feeling that they could be my buyer and I was right. It was not easy to close the deal with them as they initially offered the cash over valuation (COV) very low than what I asked for. It was so much lower than what my previous offer was. I had to counter offer them and the process altogether took about 4 days before they agreed on the price, terms and conditions.

I am glad that the house is sold so I can proceed with new listings and leads. My schedule has been a little haywire lately. I have got many leads from iproperty since I signed up as a member and I roughly have ideas of what to do now. I went to the office yesterday afternoon to get my manager to teach me a little of the documentations process. I got myself familiar and when they came to sign the agreement, I was sure I did not show any sign of clumsiness or ignorance. Perhaps there was a couple of times I needed to ask the co-broke agent before I filled up the option to purchase forms but those questions were general and I am sure any other agents would do the same because it concerns the buyer and it is only appropriate we asked the agent that represents the buyer.

I guess everybody in my family is happy with the deal. It is my first HDB sale transaction and I am happy about it even though it is my own house. Well, it is the process of handling it that I will learn and how much benefits it will be to me. My Manager gave me a little prep talk when I met him and I know I have not been discipline enough. He had noticed that I have lost some weight and I told him that it must have been the farming I do regularly. Only God knows how true it is. I have not been farming regularly. I don’t even know what I am doing.

Farming does not give me the result I had wanted but I am not giving up. It is just that I know I have to do it often and regularly. I have decided that I want to make the Malay society my target market and so I must not stop farming. Even my manager told me that when he did farming, he did not get the kind of result he wanted. Most calls are for room rentals and it is kind of taxing to handle room rentals. I guess most senior agents would agree with me but then again, if room rentals are the only available listings for me coming from the farming I did, why not? It is good for the practice actually.

Since I joined the property industry in Singapore, I have noticed how many opportunities there are if I am just discipline and hardworking enough to steal every opportunity that comes knocking on my door. I know it is not easy, it has never been easy but there are a lot of opportunities. Focus is what I have to do to excel and viewing is what I have to have to make money. Thinking of how I have progress, I can honestly say that I have not break my habit that I have developed when I was living in Subang Jaya. Oh Diary, it is true that the hardest thing to break is your habit. I am slowly breaking it, I am. I just need time and I am pretty sure I will get back right on track. How I miss those days when I was once so hardworking that I have been called a workaholic. Oh geez…Diary, what is wrong with me?

I supposed it is time for me to realize that I have loads of responsibilities in the near future. Seriously, there are many things that I have to think about. Play time is over now. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy but all play and no work makes me a  poor girl. Diary, don't give up on me ok.

Take care Diary, I will write again.

Beautiful In My Eyes By: Joshua Kadison with lyrics of jhojay

She Will Always Be Beautiful

Dear Diary,

My spirit is up and I am feeling so much different this morning when I woke up. I think I know why but I am not sure if it is true. I spoke my mind last night and I let it all out. I never planned for it to happen. It just happened spontaneously. I swear it was not in my agenda. Beautiful was being herself, soft, cool and simply sophisticated. I never mentioned about her to you before. Perhaps I have told stories about her but I never mentioned her name. She is Beautiful and there is just something about her that makes me go…errmmm.

I have read somewhere that says, a joy shared is double joy, a sorrow shared is half a sorrow. When I let it all out last night, I felt some weight is off my chest. I breathe freely now. I did not hide anything from her and the truth was all I gave her.

I am not sure if you ever felt like how I feel now. This feeling I am feeling is beyond description. I don’t even know how to talk about it. For all the time I have written to you, I am suddenly at a loss for words and expressions to describe what I am feeling now.

I supposed to heal one soul is to accept the truth about the situations that caused the pain. Have I accepted the truth about it? Maybe I have and that is probably the reason why I am feeling differently about it all. I can never have her and that’s the truth. No matter how painful the truth is but if you taught yourself to accept it then the pain will become less painful. I feel less pain in my heart now and I am ready to embrace the new changes in my life.

I have liked her before and I think I will like her still. I adore her personality. It makes me feel so at ease when I talk to her. The crispness of her voice reminds me that care exist in everyone of us. She could probably be the one that taught me how fortunate it is to find someone to care in the midst of my adversities. I should be thankful that someone like that exists in my life for she has somehow managed to bring back the smiles in my heart.

I have realized that to love somebody is a thing worth doing when we do not expect anything in return. We do not have a choice about it because love happens spontaneously and who are we to prevent it from happening when it is the heart that matters? I have come to terms with it. Regardless of the situations, I can only teach my heart to be contented, to be happy, to be honest with what I feel even if I knew I would never have what my heart desires. We cannot have our cake and eat it.

I am a calmer person now. Beautiful has probably swept my heart away with just her personality. Even so, I have told myself that people come and go in my life. Whoever it is, I shall just be delighted about it because I may not have the power to stop my heart from feeling what it wants to feel but I do have the power to choose what to do. I want to be calm in whatever I do and feel serenity in any situations I am in.

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated with the involvement of what the heart feels. It is not really easy to make things clear and we thought that we can make it simple by simple living. The trouble with simple living is that, though it can be joyful, rich, and creative, it isn't simple after all. After all what I feel, I believe the best things in life are nearest: Breath in my nostrils, light in my eyes, flowers at my feet, duties at my hand, the path of right just before me. I shall not try to grasp at the stars, but I will do life's plain common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life. Those are my principles now. I want to fill my heart with gladness and kiss all my sadness and troubles away on my own.

She will always be Beautiful in my heart. I will write again Diary. Take care. 

Glee Halo Walking On Sunshine Full Video

I swear....I cannot get my eyes off Diana and Naya. Watching them dance sends shivers down my spine....

What I Think of My Job

Dear Diary,

I cannot wait for Syawal to be over so I can focus my time more on work than having to divide my time for hosting and visiting. I have so many outstanding issues with work and I am so behind my schedule. I received a call from my client yesterday. She was a referral to my other client who has a common room to let. I have been having a hard time finding tenants for her as she has so many restrictions on the type of tenants she prefers. It is kind of difficult to match her requirements with the profiles of tenants.

Many people think that being an agent is such an easy job. They have this impression that an agent only has to close deals and make big money out of it. They do not know our predicaments. They do not know what we have to go through to make the deals happen. The competitions among ourselves and the pressures we have.

Some landlords blame agents for all their dissatisfactions with their tenants. How can an agent know the living habits of the tenants? How can everybody know? You can only know a person’s living habit when you live with him. How does an agent supposed to know that he always forgets to switch off the lights when he goes to sleep and that he always leaves the window open when he leaves for work? Our job scope is only so much but landlords expect us to be answerable to everything.

It is funny how some people really want to make every penny of their money worth. For new agent like me, room rental is the one that keeps us going. The commission is small compared to other types of transactions but it is what we have left to do since the mega transactions have all been taken up by the senior agents who have been in the market long enough. Doing room rental is more difficult since owners of the house usually lives together with the would-be tenants thus these owners have really specific restrictions on tenants from their race to religion to gender to profession. I know I must not be afraid to give my best to what seemingly are small jobs. I keep telling myself that every time I conquer one it makes me that much stronger because if I do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.

However, honestly I have felt a tremendous amount of pressures mixing and matching owner’s requirements with the profiles of available tenants. It seems easy but no it is not because not only do owners have their own requirements but tenants have their own set of requirements as well. Believe me Diary, to match both the requirements of tenants and owners can be such a mind boggling thing and a tall order to do. It makes me so miserable sometimes to get an almost perfect match.

I am feeling the pressures from almost everything I do now. I have not got anymore offers for my house and it is starting to worry me. I am not sure if our move to reject the last offer was a bad thing to do. I have a time frame to follow and it is worrying me that I may not be able to achieve the sale of my house before the time frame expires. I am not sure if I have not done enough marketing for my house or perhaps it is the Aidilfitri period that I haven’t got any Malay viewers. I have only got Indians, Chinese and Filipinos viewers and I have not got any Malay viewers yet. It is probably the period I am marketing my house. I am sure of that.

I have learnt a lot from all the work I have done. I am pretty sure I am ready to sell any HDB flat in the near future. I have grown quite familiar with the financial calculation formula and presentations. I hope to do project marketing soon. It is sure going to be exciting and lucrative. I don’t know. I hope I can be there someday. What do you think Diary?

I need to be more disciplined and focus. I have to do more to be there, he conquers who endures. I have to go already. Catch you later Diary.

Down With Fever

Dear Diary,

I am pretty sure that I will come down with fever soon. My eyes are feeling the heat, my head spins and my body feels weak. I did not get caught in the rain therefore I am certain that it is the loads of responsibilities I have to shoulder since Syawal that causes the fever. I am tired, I told you. I have been up early since the first day of Syawal even if I go to bed late.

How are you Diary? I had a viewing appointment this afternoon. It was a young Chinese couple. They seemed interested in the house. I hope to sell this house by end of October as the valuation report would expire on the 12th of November. I hope I can get a good offer soon.

I have not been to the office for a long time. I might be going there this Thursday for a workshop. I did farming on 2 blocks this morning. I wanted to do more but I had to go back early as I needed to send mum off to work but when I got home, my brother decided he could send mum off. I was kind of disappointed because if I had known this earlier, I would have continued farming instead of rushing home. I am not sure if I will do farming tomorrow. It depends on how I am feeling but I am sure if I pop two panadols before I leave home, I will be ok.

I have had many dreams lately. Flying Babe and Infinity came into my dream last night. The message in the dream was so clear and it stays in my head until this second. I really do not know how they are doing now as I have stopped writing to Flying Babe and have stopped talking to Infinity. They probably think that I have stop regarding them even as a friend. Hmm…I just don’t know what to say anymore Diary. There are so many people in my life that I do not know what to say to them anymore at the moment. I do not really know what I am going through actually. So many changes happened all at once. I got confused and I kind of get myself lost in the changes. I am probably still hanging around in the transition period.

At some mornings when I wake up, I do feel a little demotivated and spiritually weak. There are times when all I wanted to do is just lay down and stare at my ceiling. Yes, life has to go on and I am moving on but I supposed the road ahead is winding and it is going to take me some time. Winston Churchill once said, “If you are going through hell, keep going”. This is not hell I am going through it is just a change of environment, a change of situations and circumstances. I have not gotten used to it, that’s all. It has not really sunk in yet. Perhaps I simply need a kick in the teeth. Hey, that may be the best thing in the world for me if it going to make me realize where I am really. Or possibly, I am just missing her. I don’t know Diary.

I have to go. Catch you tomorrow Diary. Love you.

I Think I Have Had Enough of Syawal...

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, I was home alone enjoying the lazy company of Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat when the doorbell rang. I immediately knew that I must expect a few visitors. When I opened the door it was my aunt and her family. It was a good thing that my parents were not that far away from home when they came. I seriously do not know how to entertain guests. I prayed quietly that my parents would be home quick. As if God heard my prayers and 10 minutes after my aunt arrived, my parents came home and I can say that I was glad.

The thing about me Diary, I have always been the quietest among my cousins. I don’t know how to create conversations with my uncles and aunties. I don’t know how to make them feel comfortable. Since I was young, I have never been outstanding. I mean, I have cousin sisters and brothers at my age and they are more outspoken and friendly than I am. Perhaps I am just a shy person. I knew that but not many would believe me. I kind of have 2 personalities but doesn’t everyone have that? We are not the same with our families and friends are we?

Soon after that, more visitors came and the house was beginning to become smaller and out of space. I became busier and it is as if 2 hands are not enough. Mum, being her usual self cooked some dishes for the guests and you know how she is in the kitchen. There I go again, having to tolerate everything and anything. I hate untidiness Diary and it is a great torture for me to see untidiness. Untidiness can kill me softly and I rather be up in the mountains than in an untidy house.

Anyway, like always we managed to prepare the food and the guests were served. I guess that is how my family is especially my mum. Always trying to make the guest feel comfortable and happy and feed them with whatever we have. Honestly, I have gotten use to it since I was young but as I grow older, I got fed up with it. Because everytime that happens, I have to be the one to help. I have to be the only one to work together with mum. My brother is hopeless and my dad is just the same. And mum has never been a very neat and tidy person in the kitchen. She cooks without organizing and really, after all these years it has taken its toll on me. I have never mind the hard work, the cooking and the giving but one thing I cannot tolerate is untidiness.

Every year during Syawal, I have never got to sit down and relax and have peaceful conversations with my cousins when they come over. I always have to be in the kitchen preparing and helping. Never have I had the chance to relax myself when people come and visit. I don’t know Diary. I am just tired of it all almost hating it at one point of time. Well, who wouldn’t? Like I said earlier in my entry, I have never fancied Syawal as much as I fancy Ramadan. Ramadan gives me many quiet moments but not Syawal. And looking at my mum habits of welcoming and treating guests, I honestly cannot say how long I can last tolerating that. No, I am not being ungrateful nor stingy with the rezeki my family has had that we are able to give back to the guest in terms of the feast we serve but I am tired of feeling that I am the only one and no one else who has to be helpful to prepare the feast. I wish I could just have one, just one Syawal free from all these.

Call me whatever Diary, but I frankly admit I am dead beat tired of it all. I supposed that is the reason why I hate men so much. I am the only girl in the family and since I was young, I have always been the target of mum to help her around the kitchen, to clean the house, to serve the guests, to do the laundry, to mop the house and to do whatever she deemed I should have done. I would be nagged at if I miss doing any of the household chores. Having a mum who is as fierce as a dragon and who has a temper like the bull gives me some kind of vengeance that is beyond description. Growing up like that, all I can say is, it just made me despise men more than how any other gay women hate men on earth. I have never respected men because I just think that they are a bunch of humans who are a waste of time who expect women to cook and clean for them. They are nothing but just a bunch of pathetic losers who cannot even do their own stinking laundry.

My opinions may be biased but I don’t care anymore Diary. Perhaps I may be tired from all the cleaning, tidying, visiting, hosting, cooking and probably eating and work has started to become a little stressful. Oh well Diary, this is life isn’t it? Yeah yeah….whatever!

Boy sleeps on cat

Take The Bull By The Horn

Dear Diary,

I have been up early for the past few days. It seems easy for me to wake up early after Ramadan. I do not need the alarm to sound first before I open my eyes to see the sunlight. It is strange though, how I always feel such a drag to be up early in the morning when I was fasting. Fasting is not the reason I know but I supposed during Ramadan I often stayed up late and I had to wake up at 530 in the morning for 'sahur' and then send my mum off to work. My schedule demanded me to be up early like that almost every morning. Whenever I sent my mum to work, I was deeply affected by the situation. I feel sorry for my mum that she still has to work at her age. I really hope someday I will be successful in this industry so that my parents can retire soon and live in Tangkak like how they hope for.

I have been following my schedule diligently since Syawal and I can oversee clearly how I have progress. I am slow Diary, I have to admit that but I know I am not lazy. I am just recovering from so many disappointments now and I don’t even know if I have recovered. There are times when I think I have but I still keep thinking about the past. I am like a lost soul knowing what I have to do but do not know how and where to begin. Do you understand what I mean Diary? It has never been easy to start fresh especially when you have to leave everything that you have earned and achieved in a blink of an eye. Starting back from nothing and trying to make it into something and having to work from zero hoping to become a hero, I can only say I am glad I still have air in my lungs to breathe.

I have a bit of ideas of the things I have to do now. I am simply organizing my time and drafting out schedule. I know I can. It is just a matter of time. I hope to be good at it. I know sometimes I can be timid and shy although I know I have to be bold and aggressive without having to be insensitive towards the needs of my clients.

I am marketing my house now Diary. I have conducted 6 viewings and I have gotten the hang of it. I have learnt a little of negotiating offers and I have become a little confident now to do presentation. It is really good to start with something you are very familiar with for a start. I supposed this is why the sale of my house to the supposedly buyer was cancelled. Allah probably has some other plans for me and this is probably one of it. I shall keep working and be patient about it.

How are you Diary? I am good although I am starting to feel that my heart is turning into a stone. It is what I call the transitional period of becoming a super woman. I have made a few decisions that I believe will help me recover from all the disappointments I have had. I have let it all out and I think that is the best thing for me to do. I need to let it go and move on. It is pointless to hold on to something uncertain or someone whom I know will never be mine. I took the bull by the horns this time and I have decided to stand firm on the ground where I am standing. I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had. I am not building walls around me neither I am building bridges instead I am merely drawing a circle around me that acts as my shield against anyone or anything. I am more selective on everything nowadays.

Oh well Diary, there are always plenty to write when it concerns the heart. The heart is the most sensitive part of our body. It is intangible but yet very vulnerable. I believe if I were to write about the heart, I can write a whole thesis about it. But it is time to be practical nowadays. I will fill up my time with work now and perhaps I am going to finish my outstanding projects. I believe I have three personal projects that I put on hold since my laptop was broken. Now that I am using mum’s laptop, at least I can get back on it again.

Ok then Diary, I catch you when I have the time ok. I love you Diary.

To The Departed Souls

Dear Diary,

It has been 5 days since Aidilfitri and there is a lot of news in the neighbouring country that has caught my attentions. The news was shocking especially when it happened in the holy month of Ramadan. I have been following the news since I first found out about it and I have to admit I have a mixture of feelings about it.

I read in the news how family members of the victims still have a glimpse of hope that they are still alive although news of their murder have been confirmed by the authorities without the DNA results. I supposed if I were in their shoes, I too would have hope like that. It is only natural how their flesh and blood took the news like that. Hope springs eternal in the human hearts and reality usually takes time to sink in. I recall how my family and I refused to listen to the doctor when he told us that my late brother had only 6 months to live. I guess when it happen to your loved ones, regardless how true it is, you still want to hope for the best ignoring the fact that things which you do not hope happen more frequently than things which you do hope.

I do not know the victims neither do they know me but I feel for them. Reading in the news how they were murdered appalled me and I simply cannot imagine how another human beings could do such despicable acts all for the sake of money. And it is not like the culprits are in dire need of money out of desperation at the time of the murder. The main suspect has RM7 million in one of his bank account (God knows how many other bank accounts he has) and 9 luxury cars (7 of them are Mercedes Benz worth millions of Ringgit). Therefore, it is no wonder that the news described the main suspect as having an unbelievable accumulated wealth of money and assets as a lawyer.

Everytime I read the news about the case, I honestly feel like I am reading story plots of some Hollywood movie that has the potential to become a blockbuster. I am sure many others who have been following the case share the same feelings. Never in my right mind would think something like this could happen in this part of the world. This is similar to how the Mafias in some countries practice to accumulate wealth and power.

With lots of money, people like this would go to this extent to ‘finish’ off his ‘competitors’ or ‘threats’. Ironically these people are the very people you look for to uphold justice for you and the society. It is now questionable to me if their philanthropist ways before they were caught would be considered noble. In Islam, a person cannot be considered as doing the right thing when he steals to donate. He may have good intentions to donate but the money for the donations must also come from the right and acceptable source. I have begun to wonder if the brothers did it for the sake of charity or merely to cover up their bad habits of accumulating wealth.

I have read somewhere that the hardest thing to break in the world is habit and perhaps these brothers have picked up this habit along the way and it is difficult for them to break it. It has somewhat become like a game to them, kill and be rewarded with wealth thinking that they are untraceable and invincible. If it has been proven that they are the mastermind behind many other unsolved missing persons cases, then I would just say that they are serial killer lawyers who kill for wealth who had just been defeated by the very subject they studied in school; law. They might have forgotten that the phrase ‘nobody is above the law’ applies to every individual on earth regardless how much money you have in the bank. It is just a matter of time before the law catch up with them.

I am feeling deeply sadden for the families of the victims and I hope my heartfelt condolence reach out to them in any possible ways. May justice be served for the victims and their families and may the victims’ souls rest in peace and may Allah has mercy on them. Al-Fatihah.

My Aidilfitri Eve

Dear Diary,

I spent my time on the eve of Aidilfitri helping mum to cook. We had about 6 dishes to prepare for the big day and I honestly cannot wait for the cooking session to be over. The thing about cooking with mum is, I have to tolerate many things that I simply hate. You see, mum is quite a messy cook, when she cooks for 5, it seems like she is cooking for 50 pax and you can imagine the mess she will make whenever she cooks.

I cannot stand messiness and I have almost zero tolerance to untidiness. I was like the kitchen police when I was helping her only that I cannot nag at her untidiness because she is the main cook. I had to be very quiet about it and it was killing me softly inside. I cannot comprehend why some people can be very horrendously untidy in the kitchen. There are many times when I almost lost my temper looking at the untidiness she created but I always kept my cool since she is the mother. So what I did on the eve of Aidilfitri was to clean and tidy up the kitchen while she cooked. There was a couple of times when I felt like leaving the kitchen all to herself but I knew that was a bad idea. I do not want to have a bad relationship with my mother on Aidilfitri.

Whatever she said, I nodded my head and even at times when she scolded me for not being efficient in the kitchen, I remained quiet. I supposed I have learnt a lot living with her under the same roof. If she scolds, I just ignore it. It works actually, only that I must not take it to heart. But being the most sensitive person in the family, how can I not? I am so bloody sensitive that even a 5 year old kid can hurt my feelings. Darn...!!

I wish I could be more like my eldest brother. He can be so oblivious to the environment surrounding him and be so uninhibited at all. Mum had to change her menu because some of the ingredients were missing. Well you see, 3 days before dad bought this giant fridge for mum because mum has been complaining about the existing fridge being too small for the family. So when the new fridge arrived, I transferred the everything from the old fridge to the new one. When I did that, it was only natural for me to clean and organise the fridge as well right? So I threw a couple of things that I thought mum wouldn't need. But I swear I did not throw the missing ingredients. So there we were, searching high and low for the missing ingredients delaying the cooking process and also spoiling the mood because mum was really upset and she lost her temper. Now you know where I got my temper don't you Diary?

Mum has this ferocious temper that even I am afraid of it untill today. But being an adult myself and sharing the same kind of temper, I have always ignored the fact that I am still afraid of her temper. *Chuckles* I call her 'dragon' and I always chuckle to myself when I think about it. So without the missing ingredients, mum had to change her menu and I merely agreed. What else can I do? Go to the market and find the ingredients? It was the eve of Aidilfitri and most markets and shops were closed. I never open my mouth and speak while I was in the kitchen because I knew that would worsen things. Having two hot tempered women in the kitchen, that is almost like being in hell's kitchen. *grins* We moved on from the search and progressed with the cooking.

It seemed like forever for the session to be over because we started cooking late. Mum only finished work at half past 2 in the afternoon and therefore we we a bit behind schedule. I prepared the ingredients in the morning and I boiled the ketupat all ready for the big day. I have never fancied Aidilfitri anymore like how I used to when I was small. I don't know what has gotten into me but since the death of my brother, I honestly have lost the excitement I once had for it. I prefer Ramadan than Syawal and I prefer the quiet moments I can have to myself during Ramadan instead of the noisy and loud Syawal.

I never like Syawal as much as I did. With all the cleaning, cooking, visitings and house visits I have to do, it really make me feel so tired of them all. Yes, it is a once a year thing but the preparation I have to do for it is like a collection of a year's work to do in a month! Perhaps I am in my early thirties and I am not married with no stable income yet and almost no career. That is probably the reason why I simply hate Syawal. You see, people will come and visit and they will surely ask about me. The aunties and uncles and cousins, being nosy will ask as many questions as they like and instantaneously that makes me feel like shovelling up an extra large cucumber up into their stinking mouth and push it down to their slimy throat!!

I am not really into the mood of celebrating Aidilfitri this year. I am so tired of things. I just want to work and work ignoring my social responsibilities until I have finally got what I want. I am on the verge of being almost aloof to friends and acquaintances. At this point of time, I want to be alone by myself. I hate people nowadays. I think I need to see a shrink soon but I will ignore the idea.

Oh well, anyway we managed to cook all the dishes as planned and at the end of the day, everybody sat at the dining table and after a little prayer, eating the good food mum had prepared. It was good after a chaotic session in the kitchen.

Ok Diary, I got to go. Catch you some other time. I love you.

Vonda Shepard - Searchin' My Soul

I Am Progressing Without The Memories

Dear Diary,

Things have gone pretty good for me. I cannot say that I have done well but I have been busy with work. I am marketing my house now and I have many viewings appointments lately. That helps to keep me busy and stop me from thinking about things that can make me lose my focus. I have had 7 viewings and out of the seven only 2 have made an offer to my house. I rejected the offer because I did not agree with the price and conditions. I felt like I am in control now since the listing is mine and I am the exclusive agent. Well, yes it is my own house but at least from this experience it gives me the feel of how it feels like to be an exclusive agent for a property.

I have done my database and yes I had to use mum's laptop. I guess I just had to be practical and put away my habit or principles at times. You know how I hate to use other people's belongings don't you Diary? In this case, I have to and there is no shame about it. I have to do my work to move forward. Oh, I have not told you that mum bought a new laptop. Yes she did but she hardly uses it and I guess she bought it in the pretext that she needed to use but knowing mum I knew she bought it because of me. She knew I would have said no if she had been honest about it so she made excuses like that when I knew her job does not require her to use a laptop. Well, that's what all mothers do. They are willing to sacrifice and toiled for the children but it is a shame how we children cannot do the same for our mothers.

My job has been easier with the new laptop. I have created many worksheets to monitor my progress and I can see clearly now how much I have progress and did. It is no wonder why my Manager told me that I am slow. Well, Diary after all the worksheets I have created, I can see that I have to pull up my socks and have more activities for my work. I have started to realise that having worksheets for my job gives me the big picture of what I have to do. I even created a time-table worksheet for my job and see how much work I have done. It is good to be able to see everything in detail.

I spent the whole day on Tuesday and Wednesday creating the worksheets and filled up the information. I added some colours and motivational quotes in it just to keep myself in high spirit. Sales job is never easy Diary especially one with no basic salary. You have to constantly motivate yourself so that you will not lose steam because humans are simply humans.

I dreamt a couple of times about my life lately. In the dreams I kind of get the message but I just don't know if I want to change about it all. All I am saying is, we need to be by ourselves sometimes away from the crowd. However we do it, we have to be on our own occasionally. I am doing it now. I am taking a break from the crowds. I am rebuilding my life here and it is going to take some time. I need the time to progress. I miss a few of my friends but I always believe I have to do what I have to do.

I received a text message from Flying Babe at 4 am in the morning yesterday. She must have been up that early to fly to somewhere. I am assuming that she is not getting any leave from work during Aidilfitri. You know, I have deleted most of her text messages from my phone. I think that is the right thing to do. I am allowing her to move on and I cannot let myself be wrapped all over again with the memories I have had with her. I do not want to anymore. I am just so tired of everything now Diary. I just want to work and improve the qualities of my life. I am getting there I know, and I need to focus.

Dark Chocolate once told me that she never saves text messages from anybody because she hates the idea of having many memories stored in her mobile phone. The memories, sad or happy will eventually bring miseries, she told me. She may be right and I am following her advice.

Selamat Hari Raya Diary...I am helping mum to cook later....I cannot wait for the feast to begin...

Hello (with lyrics) - Lionel Richie

I Miss Her

Dear Diary,

I missed writing to you as much as how I have missed her. It is always easier to speak to you because you do not talk back. Whatever I say, you will just digest and be quiet about it. That's what make me feel confortable with you. I wish I could just tell her that I have missed her since the last time we spoke. I wish I could be more open about it.

To say what what we want to say, I just figured that it is not that easy especially when it concerns the heart. First of all, I know I am not privileged to say those things to her let alone to feel that way towards her. Who am I Diary? At the end of the day, she will still comes home to the arms of her loved one while I walk down the street still thinking about her.

I guess that is what you will get for allowing yourself to be emotionally involved with an attached woman. I have just realised that I am slowly falling in love with her and if I do not do something about it, it might turn into a disease or something. It is scary but perhaps I am too weak to fight it.

People said that I fall in and out of love too easily and it is unlikely for me not to find someone new. I wondered if there is any truths in it. Perhaps it is true but I supposed those were the couple of mistakes here and there I made in my life concerning love. I probably made someone my girlfriend easily even though there was no love that I felt for her. They were just infatuations and you know how impulsive I can be. That probably explains why my previous relationships mostly lasted for not more than 4 months.

I was young and wild. It was more like an experiment to me at the expense of people I supposed. I know I was wrong but really, I was young at the time Diary. I did not really know how to handle love. For now, I am just living my life. I don't know what holds for me in the future. I am trying my best now, whatever that I am doing, I am doing it at my best. I used to talk to her a lot about my work and life but I don't do it anymore. All I do nowadays is recovering from the aftermath of my emotional roller coaster rides. I try to fill up my time with work and online games but it is not easy Diary.

I am keeping to myself now. I don't chat and text with my friends anymore. I deactivated my Facebook account and I don't know what else I will do next. I guess I just want to be by myself for awhile. I don't know what I am feeling nowadays. I miss everything about Subang Jaya. I miss my car and the place I used to call my home. I miss taking shower in my bathroom and I miss the scent of my home back there. I just don't know what to do anymore Diary.

You know it is sad when people tell you they don't know what to say to you anymore. It is a sign of distant isn't it? When you do not have or you don't know what to say to someone, doesn't it mean you just do not connect anymore? I still can connect to her because I know I have a soft spot for her. My feelings for her are genuine even though I know she will never be mine. It just hit me that ultimately, I am just a girl in blue jeans in the streets walking and bumping into people. I supposed I just have to keep on walking and don't stop. You see Diary, the thing about getting emotionally involved with a married woman is, whatever happens, she will always have someone by her side while I, I slowly break missing her alone. Well Diary, you know at this point of time, I wish I could just be with Pumpkin or Gummy Bear and just hug them tightly...I miss them, yeah I do.

My work has been okay. I am still doing what I have been doing. The farming has been progressing slowly. There are not many calls but I will still keep doing it. I cannot stop Diary. However I feel, I know I must go on. What else is there to do? I always believe that life is a wheel. Someday somehow I will achieve the happiness that I have always wish for. Be with me Diary.  

Catch You Later Diary...

Dear Diary,

I am feeling so tired from everything now. I want to take a rest for awhile. I hope to be back fresh and well and most of all happy.

I will catch you later Diary. Remember that I have always love you and I love you still. Take care of yourself when I am gone.