Dear Diary,
Yesterday, I was home alone enjoying the lazy company of Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat when the doorbell rang. I immediately knew that I must expect a few visitors. When I opened the door it was my aunt and her family. It was a good thing that my parents were not that far away from home when they came. I seriously do not know how to entertain guests. I prayed quietly that my parents would be home quick. As if God heard my prayers and 10 minutes after my aunt arrived, my parents came home and I can say that I was glad.
The thing about me Diary, I have always been the quietest among my cousins. I don’t know how to create conversations with my uncles and aunties. I don’t know how to make them feel comfortable. Since I was young, I have never been outstanding. I mean, I have cousin sisters and brothers at my age and they are more outspoken and friendly than I am. Perhaps I am just a shy person. I knew that but not many would believe me. I kind of have 2 personalities but doesn’t everyone have that? We are not the same with our families and friends are we?
Soon after that, more visitors came and the house was beginning to become smaller and out of space. I became busier and it is as if 2 hands are not enough. Mum, being her usual self cooked some dishes for the guests and you know how she is in the kitchen. There I go again, having to tolerate everything and anything. I hate untidiness Diary and it is a great torture for me to see untidiness. Untidiness can kill me softly and I rather be up in the mountains than in an untidy house.
Anyway, like always we managed to prepare the food and the guests were served. I guess that is how my family is especially my mum. Always trying to make the guest feel comfortable and happy and feed them with whatever we have. Honestly, I have gotten use to it since I was young but as I grow older, I got fed up with it. Because everytime that happens, I have to be the one to help. I have to be the only one to work together with mum. My brother is hopeless and my dad is just the same. And mum has never been a very neat and tidy person in the kitchen. She cooks without organizing and really, after all these years it has taken its toll on me. I have never mind the hard work, the cooking and the giving but one thing I cannot tolerate is untidiness.
Every year during Syawal, I have never got to sit down and relax and have peaceful conversations with my cousins when they come over. I always have to be in the kitchen preparing and helping. Never have I had the chance to relax myself when people come and visit. I don’t know Diary. I am just tired of it all almost hating it at one point of time. Well, who wouldn’t? Like I said earlier in my entry, I have never fancied Syawal as much as I fancy Ramadan. Ramadan gives me many quiet moments but not Syawal. And looking at my mum habits of welcoming and treating guests, I honestly cannot say how long I can last tolerating that. No, I am not being ungrateful nor stingy with the rezeki my family has had that we are able to give back to the guest in terms of the feast we serve but I am tired of feeling that I am the only one and no one else who has to be helpful to prepare the feast. I wish I could just have one, just one Syawal free from all these.
Call me whatever Diary, but I frankly admit I am dead beat tired of it all. I supposed that is the reason why I hate men so much. I am the only girl in the family and since I was young, I have always been the target of mum to help her around the kitchen, to clean the house, to serve the guests, to do the laundry, to mop the house and to do whatever she deemed I should have done. I would be nagged at if I miss doing any of the household chores. Having a mum who is as fierce as a dragon and who has a temper like the bull gives me some kind of vengeance that is beyond description. Growing up like that, all I can say is, it just made me despise men more than how any other gay women hate men on earth. I have never respected men because I just think that they are a bunch of humans who are a waste of time who expect women to cook and clean for them. They are nothing but just a bunch of pathetic losers who cannot even do their own stinking laundry.
My opinions may be biased but I don’t care anymore Diary. Perhaps I may be tired from all the cleaning, tidying, visiting, hosting, cooking and probably eating and work has started to become a little stressful. Oh well Diary, this is life isn’t it? Yeah yeah….whatever!
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