I missed writing to you as much as how I have missed her. It is always easier to speak to you because you do not talk back. Whatever I say, you will just digest and be quiet about it. That's what make me feel confortable with you. I wish I could just tell her that I have missed her since the last time we spoke. I wish I could be more open about it.
To say what what we want to say, I just figured that it is not that easy especially when it concerns the heart. First of all, I know I am not privileged to say those things to her let alone to feel that way towards her. Who am I Diary? At the end of the day, she will still comes home to the arms of her loved one while I walk down the street still thinking about her.
I guess that is what you will get for allowing yourself to be emotionally involved with an attached woman. I have just realised that I am slowly falling in love with her and if I do not do something about it, it might turn into a disease or something. It is scary but perhaps I am too weak to fight it.
People said that I fall in and out of love too easily and it is unlikely for me not to find someone new. I wondered if there is any truths in it. Perhaps it is true but I supposed those were the couple of mistakes here and there I made in my life concerning love. I probably made someone my girlfriend easily even though there was no love that I felt for her. They were just infatuations and you know how impulsive I can be. That probably explains why my previous relationships mostly lasted for not more than 4 months.
I was young and wild. It was more like an experiment to me at the expense of people I supposed. I know I was wrong but really, I was young at the time Diary. I did not really know how to handle love. For now, I am just living my life. I don't know what holds for me in the future. I am trying my best now, whatever that I am doing, I am doing it at my best. I used to talk to her a lot about my work and life but I don't do it anymore. All I do nowadays is recovering from the aftermath of my emotional roller coaster rides. I try to fill up my time with work and online games but it is not easy Diary.
I am keeping to myself now. I don't chat and text with my friends anymore. I deactivated my Facebook account and I don't know what else I will do next. I guess I just want to be by myself for awhile. I don't know what I am feeling nowadays. I miss everything about Subang Jaya. I miss my car and the place I used to call my home. I miss taking shower in my bathroom and I miss the scent of my home back there. I just don't know what to do anymore Diary.
You know it is sad when people tell you they don't know what to say to you anymore. It is a sign of distant isn't it? When you do not have or you don't know what to say to someone, doesn't it mean you just do not connect anymore? I still can connect to her because I know I have a soft spot for her. My feelings for her are genuine even though I know she will never be mine. It just hit me that ultimately, I am just a girl in blue jeans in the streets walking and bumping into people. I supposed I just have to keep on walking and don't stop. You see Diary, the thing about getting emotionally involved with a married woman is, whatever happens, she will always have someone by her side while I, I slowly break missing her alone. Well Diary, you know at this point of time, I wish I could just be with Pumpkin or Gummy Bear and just hug them tightly...I miss them, yeah I do.
My work has been okay. I am still doing what I have been doing. The farming has been progressing slowly. There are not many calls but I will still keep doing it. I cannot stop Diary. However I feel, I know I must go on. What else is there to do? I always believe that life is a wheel. Someday somehow I will achieve the happiness that I have always wish for. Be with me Diary.
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