The Real Truth

Dear Diary,

It has been awkward for me. I have never felt this way before. Work has been such a bore to me nowadays. The environment here is so different from what I am used to and honestly, I have never expected it to be this way. I have become so lazy to the extent that I do not care anymore about my sales targets. I see no purpose in trying to be a good salesperson here. The monetary rewards is not impressive and most significantly, I have lost interest with anything relevant to this job. It is just unbelievable how they do things here. I am fed up with the redundant workflow systems and I am especially tired of being there.

I am turned off right on the very first day of work. I have said it before and I am going to say it again, this is by far the worst bank I have ever worked. Mr.T, my team leader is one hell of an egotistical man. He annoys me with his silly remarks about general issues making he look stupid and childlike. The department is unofficially divided into different groups. We are separated by our race by nature of its environment. There are many Chinese than any other races and the Chinese there are the type of Chinese who simply hang with their own race, so it seems. I may be wrong but this is what I feel and see. There is no racial integration and that makes me feel so awkward and uncomfortable. It is simply weird to be working in an environment like this.

It is different Diary. I cannot cope with the environment and I cannot comprehend the workflow. I do not know how long I can last there. The group of colleagues I am hanging with is the ones who have worked there for less than a year. They are the friendlier ones and there is a good balance of integration with this group of people. We have Indians, Malay, Chinese and Sikh. This is how it is supposed to be I guess. They are the ones that make me feel comfortable. I would not last a day without them, this I know for sure. I just come to work daily without any goals. For all I know, I have to be at work just so I could earn a living and fill up my time while waiting for my dreams to come true. Life is not easy nowadays Diary. Everytime I am halfway up, I am always halfway down.

I should have stayed in my previous job. Ermm...well never mind. I guess I must focus on the next thing to do. I could have asked from my parents but I am too ashamed now. If only I have not disappointed them too many times in my life, I would not be ashamed to ask from them. Perhaps, I should just be bold and ask from them but I know I cannot.

The loan application still needs a little more time to be finalised. So what else can I do except to wait? I have stopped myself from becoming too hopeful on it and to prepare for any bad news. I have become somewhat spiritless and mostly I mind my own things becoming oblivious to the surroundings. I am a walking ghost Diary. I wake up every morning to go to work that I never have a passion for. I go home to have my dinner, spend my time watching the television and I go to sleep whenever I decided to. Sometimes, I looked back at what went wrong and I supposed I have to stop feeling sorry about the mistakes I have made. Oh well Diary...life is indeed a roller coaster.

I am not enjoying my job but I am enjoying the company I have in my job. I am seated right next to a man who talks nonstop but I would say rather knowledgeable. He is a well-read person and he knows practically almost about anything and everything. I supposed that is why he talks nonstop. It can be very taxing to chat with him but I find him amusing sometimes. He is someone I would take as my entertainment in the office. He never fails to have topics for conversations and he is a man of his own. He goes lunch alone and he does not mind being alone without any friends. I guess he talks too much most of the times and this make people become uncomfortable with him.

I am still planning to have my own food stall Diary. I think I will someday, it is just a matter of time. I have to go now. Good night Diary.

It Is Mostly About Weekends

Dear Diary,

How has it been for you Diary? I wish you were in the pink of health. I have not been busy however; I have been spending a lot of my time with my family and work. For the past one month, I have not had one weekend to myself. I spent all weekends with my family. I had a barbeque party organized by my cousins and I spent the following weekend in Tangkak so as the next. Imagine this Diary, I work five days a week and weekend is the only time I have to rest or to spend my time in the comfort of my home. Can you believe me how I truly treasure my weekends now? It is simply natural for me to feel that way towards my weekend. When else can I enjoy some time on my own except on weekends?

I am going to Tangkak again this weekend and it is going to be a long weekend for me. I have applied for unpaid leave on Monday and I will only get back to work on Wednesday, as Tuesday is a public holiday. It is sure good to have a long weekend like this however, I always feel that weekends are a bit like rainbows; they look good from a distance but disappear when you get up close to them. I wish I could go elsewhere other than Tangkak. I guess I have to wait before than can happen.  The barbeque party was enjoyable even though it was a little boring. I supposed I do not have my favourite cousin, niece and nephews anymore to hang. Have I told you they have gone to Doha to live? It has been five months I think. Her husband was transferred to Doha and he brought along his whole family. I miss my niece so much and really wonder how she is getting along with the new environment there. We spent the night there by the beach and it was quite enjoyable. I set out two tents for my mother and myself. Dad and my brother did not spend the night there, as dad would be uncomfortable for sure.

There were plenty of food during the barbeque and that made it difficult to decide what to eat. I could say that there was an abundant supply of food and it was overwhelming actually. I brought egg sandwich and I had noticed that nobody really cared. I felt somewhat disappointed. I spent my time with Hello Kitty during the barbeque. If it was not for her, I would have felt bored and lonely. My only cousin that I am close with was away so that left me with no one else to get comfortable. I have a few cousin sisters that I can hang with but they are mostly a few years younger than I am.

I am getting used to my new job. The training is over and how thankful I am for that. Work is boring but at least it gives me time to write to you, discreetly of course. Well, I am not thinking of making this job permanent anyway. I have other plans that are waiting to be finalized. By the way, don’t I always have other plans Diary? I have learnt somewhere that life is always about planning. You must have a short-term plan and a long-term plan. Well, I have not stopped planning but I have stopped having too much hope on a plan I have created. The theory is simple, hope springs eternal in humans’ hearts but you also do not want to be crushed by your own hopes. Get what I mean?

Having worked here for almost a month, I am beginning to miss my old bank job. I miss everything about it especially the environment. I now realized that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. I knew that but I was simply being human trying to maximize my potentials. I should have stayed longer in that bank so that I would only have six more months to the first phase of my business plans. I left too soon and now I have to start all over again. Hello Kitty has decided to be a shareholder and she is working out something to get the funds. I am waiting. I still have a little bit of patience and hopes in me and if she could come out with the funds, I am on a roll. Looking back, I have a lot to thank her even if she could not get the funds. It is her beliefs in me so as her believe in my ambitions and dreams. We are doing this together and I know she is doing it for her own or perhaps our future as well. You would not invest in something when you could not have a taste of the profits would you? It is not finalized yet, we are still waiting for the application to be successful. I am praying for the application to go through and I think she is doing likewise.

I have my business proposal ready and I spend my time in the office amending and fine-tuning it. That is all I do in the office nowadays other than doing what I am supposed to do. Yes, I have to admit that I am losing my focus in the office. I do not work as hard as I did in this bank than in the previous bank. I have deviated myself from the main purpose I got this job. Well, who could have blamed me? I was turned off with this job right on the very first day of training. I have officially declared that of all the job trainings I have had, this is by far the worst trainings ever! There, I have said it. If only I could mention the bank’s name…I gladly would. It sucks big time and it is no joke. Boredom is a sickness the cure for which is work; pleasure is only a palliative. 

You know Diary, have I told you that the old bank I worked for has many persons that reminded me of the people close to my heart. Rose, she reminded me of Pumpkin because of her looks, height, body and laughter. Almost everything about her made me think of Pumpkin. Fazleena the girl in the administration department reminded me of Dark Chocolate. It is how she looks, how she wears her hair and her body figure especially, all of them made me think a lot of Dark Chocolate. Then we have Samantha who resembles Flying Babe. I got goose bumps whenever I saw her. Therefore, really that office has so much comfort for me. I was very comfortable there. I did not worry about not getting relaxed there. The familiar characters in the office were sufficient to make me feel at ease. I do not know them when I first joined the bank but having the feel of knowing them because some things about them made me feel calm, safe and homely. Have you felt like that before? Their presence soothes you and you do not have anything to be bothered.

I am not feeling like that in this new bank Diary and so I know I do not have to stay if I do not want to.       

It Drives Me Up The Wall

Dear Diary,

Wow!! I have missed you a lot. I have paid you a visit occasionally and read what I have written to you, that helps to ease me a little. I would do the same to those I have missed. Whenever I fell like it, I would read the old chat logs or the messages I have had with them and yes, it reduces the feeling of missing them. How are you Diary? I am good and I am still in my training days with the new job. Are you surprise? I am surprise at how long the training is. I have been doing nothing except idling and minding my old business in the office. No specific instructions were given and I feel that the bank is wasting its resources for us the new hires.

Honestly, I am being paid for coming in to the office at 9 and leaving at 630 sharp. Lunch is 2 hours from 12 to 2 pm and there is no productivity from me. I am beginning to lose it but I am hanging on for the sake of fulfilling the minimum duration I am required to work otherwise I will have to pay them 2 months salary in lieu of early termination of contract. Yes, I am planning to leave but only after I have secured a business loan from a very close investor. If the loan application is successful, I will leave this job and start the business.

All the time I am in the office, I have been scrutinising my business proposal. I have dream of it and started imagining running it. Yes, I am a dreamer. Will the loan be approved? I do not know but I will carry on dreaming of it until I get my hands on it. Dear Allah, please make it happen this time because I am not sure if I can last for another 3 months in this job. The team leader seems to get on my nerves as the day gets by. I have noticed that when he talks, he seems to think that his methods and beliefs are right. He does not seem arrogant but he is the softer version of Mr. Potato when he speaks. Everybody seems to have the same opinions about him.

Well, when you are in control of a department, there are only two types of opinions your staffs can feel about you; good or bad. The training he conducts are way below the standard level I expected. Most of the time, we were left on our own to idle. The work system here is very different than the previous bank I was with. I was kind of disappointed and began to have reservations about how this bank works. The training is the most disorganised, boring and lousy one I have ever attended. Ironically, the team leader thinks his training he conducts is relevant to what we will be doing. I have told you he thinks very highly of his methods and ways. Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.  The best treatment for this type of person is to ignore him. The worst thing about a bore is not that he won't stop talking, but that he won't let you stop listening.

Smart Phone Save Me From Boredom and Loneliness?

Hello Diary,

Selamat malam. Hari ini aku lalui dengan penuh perasaan bosan. Bosan sehingga aku begitu menyampah dengan kerja baru aku. Tiap hari bila training aku langsung tidak ada semangat untuk kerja. Aku rasakan seolah olah masa yang aku habiskan untuk training adalah sangat membuang masa. Tidak ada dedicated trainer untuk kita jadi aku hanya perlu sampai ke office pada pukul 9 pagi dan tunggu sampai pukul 11 barulah trainer akan datang untuk melatihi kita. Pukul 12, waktu rehat sehingga pukul 2 dan kami harus tunggu sehingga pukul 4 barulah trainer akan datang lagi. Kita akan pulang pada pukul 530 atau 630. Begitulah routine harian kita. Aku sudah menyampah dengan routine ini tetapi aku terpaksa sebab aku tiada pilihan lagi.

Hari ini, trainer aku seperti ....ermm...Ya Allah....I am having some mental block to write in Malay. I guess I will be writing to you in English now. I wish I could write something in Malay but the words just would not come out. I am getting bored to the core and it  has taken its toll on me. If I can do a miracle or if I can have just one wish, I would wish for 10 million dollars cash in my bank account so I will never be out of cash to start a business. If that business fails, then I will always have money to use as a start up capital. I will keep on trying until I have found a successful business. 

Today's training started at 10 and ended at 6. The whole training session was only 4 hours. I was wondering, if this is the case why can't they just let us come in late and leave late or come in early and leave early. We were just sitting and idling like idiots and I hate it so much. The training was nothing about the products or systems. It was more of a sales workshops which will show your weaknesses or rather exposed you to scrutiny by the trainer. Of course this was done by the trainer at how well or bad you did in the role play. 

I was 'attacked' today by the trainer and that made me feel lousy. I hate role play and I got sick of it after many changed of job session I have had. I despise it very much. The role play I did, I did not perform well because I was bored, sleepy and tired. Tell me, why would I even want to perform well at something which I do not like? Yes, I should have done this and I should have done that. Yeah yeah Mr Trainer, I heard you. Let us just see if the real situation would be the same like in the role play. On the surface, I seemed to be weak and not strong in my closing techniques. Oh Diary, like I have said I got turned off already and there I was having to do something which I do not fancy at all. Give me a break. I am not even sure if I want to perform or if I want to do it like how I did when I was in the old bank. I am simply bored to death right now. To expect something to remember from me is silly when I am in this mood.

I spent my idling time writing email to Broken Angel and playing games from my phone. Yes, thank God with the creation of smart phones, you will always have something to distract your attention from boredom. Times have changed our lifestyles and makes it progress into a better one. Smart phones can be a tool to save us from boredom but I am not sure if it can be a tool to save us from loneliness. I do not know Diary. When I am lonely, I always have you. The period when I became so lonely after the break up with Infinity, I had you but I never wrote to you. I supposed it was too painful to describe it in writing. However, the break up with Flying Babe made me wrote to you as often as I could. Perhaps the cause of the break up plays a part. I broke up with Infinity because well, let us just say she found someone better than I am while I broke up with Flying Babe because of my classic weaknesses with women. 

Flying Babe made me realised my weaknesses. I knew I had it coming because I knew how much I have wish for someone like her to like me too. When she did, I became ecstatic and I fumbled and stumbled trying so hard to please and impress her. Little did I know that it did not make me stronger, I only grew weaker day by day. I was so shy with her. I was so afraid to show her my weaknesses thinking that she might get turned off with me. I swear to God I was so afraid of that. But it still happened. We did not last long but my love for her lasted for as long as it could until the day she found a new love. I moved on too and I am not sure what I have learnt from it. 

I have distracted myself from love. I have managed to do it with the help of Hello Kitty. I try not to talk about it. I try to divert my focus into something else. Sometimes I think about it and reminisce about the loves of my life. I miss love but I am calm now and I suppose that is what makes me happy now. I do not want to dwell about the love that I have lost because it only makes me weaker and I can feel it in my heart, like a thud. I am a very fragile person when it comes to love. My temper is like a tiger's but my heart is soft like silk. I have to protect it from all the hurt. I have to shield it from all the pain. I simply have to come back to who I really am. The best day of my life is the one on which I decide my life is my own.  No apologies or excuses.  No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.  The gift is mine - it is an amazing journey - and I alone am responsible for the quality of it.  This is the day my life really begins with the love from whom is willing to give, sincerely with no conditions and terms.

It Is Driving Me Up The Wall

Dear Diary,

Today is the fourth day of training and to be honest, I have really begun to get bored to the maximum. In my opinion, the training is so boring. I was trying to stay awake during the entire course of this training today. Last night was a bad night for me. Somehow, I got stomach discomfort and I had to vomit myself to make myself feel at eased. I felt like there was wind in my stomach and I really felt sick. It could not have been gastric because I have never been attacked with gastric. I would say that it was probably diarrhea since I passed motion and vomited at the same time. It must have been something that I ate last night. I know the seafood I had have something to do with it. This reminds me of the time I had food poisoining in Tangkak last year. It scared me and I never would want to experience it again.

Therefore, sleep was not good last night. I often woke up when my stomach gave me the signal to go to the loo. It was absolute pandemonium. I was sleep deprived and the training session today did not interest me at all. If I were given a chance, I would simply walk out and go home. I am worried how long I can last here. Honestly, I did my countdown since the first day of training. I got turned off with the physical working environment and I simply do not feel comfortable. Now, I am hoping that I would have the patience to stay as long as it takes. Perhaps, as the time goes by, I would be fine but really, it is hard to say.

The team leader trained us today. He was supposed to conduct the training but he was away for his national service thus his assistant conducted the training when he was away. He came back and the training somehow started all over again with a bit of a twist, his way of course. It is the usual training session with questions and answers and some role play. Oh Diary, how I hate role play so much. I got so bored with all these routines. If I could escape, I really would. One thing I notice about sales training is how the trainer would think that his method works for everybody. Role play is conducted and he would pin point the mistakes trainees would make and suggested this and that. I have gone through this boring rituals during the many training sessions I had with other companies. I hate it so much Diary. This whole thing is just so stupid.

I participated and I swore to myself that I never would want to go through this again. How I wish I would just have the money to start my own business. I am dying to get away from all these employment rituals. My trainer was not boring but I have noticed he can talk a lot. He cannot pronounce "r" and everytime there is a word that requires him to do so, the "r" in that word would be heard as an "l". Clearer becomes "clearler" and I just sit still in my chair looking at him blankly. You know Diary, growing up in Singapore I have noticed the Chinese who comes from Chinese speaking home are the ones who usually cannot pronounce "r" as how it is supposed to. It is common here and everybody knows that. I could not be bothered anyway, all I want is to get this over and done with. I am freaking fed up.

I do not want to do this anymore. Period.

Run The Race Like A Horse

Dear Diary,

I am having lunch by myself and the only virtual company I have right now is you, Hippo and Hello Kitty. It was raining heavily this morning as I woke up and that really made me wish that I would have more time to enjoy my sleep. Today's training is boring as usual and I am dying to talk myself to be patient. Friday's training was boring as well but I was not feeling it as I was focusing on the weekend. It is Monday today therefore I think I would have every reason to feel nothing but unenthusiastic about my job.

To make matters worst, on Friday I was attached to 2 ex staffs of the old bank I worked for and they have told me discouraging stories of this new bank. Yes, I have to admit I got turned off already and I am really waiting for the time for me to get away from all these distractions. Like me, they also quit for bigger monetary rewards but after 6 months in the new bank, nothing they wished for had been achieved by them. Well, it is subjective and I should not have let myself be distracted by their experiences but I am only human Diary. Oh well, never mind I think I will get by fine soon. I simply need to coach myself to last for 1-1.5 years here.

I can only pray to Allah to give me the patience. Right now, I guess patience and perseverance are the key ingredients for me to have. I have to run like a horse in a competition. The only thing I must see is the finishing line and that is all that matters. But really it is not easy for someone like me who says goodbye easily. I have live in a society that exists on instant roti pratas and canai, packaged cake mixes, frozen epok-epok, and instant cameras so I wonder if I can teach patience to myself? Now really, that is a tall order. But I supposed it is time for a change. Oh Diary, this is really bad for me. I can only wait and see. Praying is a must thing to do for me now. He is the only one I can turn to for help.

I got to go already. Talk to you later Diary.

Lunch Time Stories

Dear Diary,

I found it hard to wake up this morning and I took an extra 10 minutes of sleep after my alarm went off. After 4 weeks of carefree lifestyle who could have blame me? I was the first to reach followed by two of the other newbies. One of overslept and took a cab to office. She said she has gotten used to oversleeping herself as she was out of job for two months before she got this job. I smiled at her giving her the signal that I could not argue about that with her.

My lunch break is 2 and a half hours and frankly, I am beginning to enjoy my training sessions. Tomorrow will be the last day of training and I know I am going to miss it. To be honest, I am remembering my colleagues in my old company. I miss the environment there and how I felt so comfortable there. The facilities we had as staffs there were excellent and the workstations each and one of us got was almost perfect. The current office lacks so much in terms of office tidiness. I always have issues with tidiness and I know I might have problem getting by. I am not sure that should be the concern but I have come to terms with what I need to do. This job is not going to be permanent. I should just be contented I have found a job. It can be tiring thinking about it but I do not want to dwell on it anymore. I am merely coaching myself to persevere for as long as it takes until I am good to go. Subang Jaya is still in my agenda and I am not going to let it slip.

I am by myself again and I am killing my time telling you stories. I have always missed you and there is not a day goes by that I am not thinking about you. Thinking of you makes me become all sentimental and emotional sometimes. The death of my brother brought me to you and I find strength and serenity in you. Almost everything I have let you known and the stories remain to be read and reminisced. All the women I have been involved with, you know who they are. I still think about them and wonder what would they be doing. I wonder too if they are thinking of me. I have become quiet to most of them. I supposed silenced make the heart grows fonder. Women, they are still my weaknesses while love, makes me afraid of women.

The headache came back and it is hurting. I might have to go for a check up soon when things are stabled. I have to go Diary. Love you always.

My First Day of Work

Hello Diary,

Wow...I am on my first day of work. I was late but not because I was not punctual but because I did not have a clear direction of who and where to report to. Can you imagine that? In addition to that, as if there was not a better time for my bowel to be active, nature call just had to call in when I was rushing to get to where I was supposed to. I am happy for now although I wished I would have some words of encouragement from someone. The lunch break is 2 hours and that was sufficient to make me contented.

I am sitting at a bench in front of the Singapore river and there is a couple who is fighting with each other. I am having a good time chuckling to myself at the spectacular "show" they put up. Well, at least I have some kind of entertainment to enjoy during lunch hour. There are many people who jog here Diary and as usual I wish I could do the same. I wonder if these people have a full time job. Looking at the situation now, I think I could do this too you know since my lunch break is 2 hours daily. This is fun but still to be my own boss is still what I desire and I know I will achieve that.

I have not made any friends yet but I know I will soon. Anyway, it does not really matter does it? I do not enjoy going for lunch in a crowd. I have always prefered to be on my own and I could not care less about lunch anyway. I got to do my own thing during lunch and that suffice to make me feel comfortable. At least I still have time to be on my own during work. Oh Diary, I am just thinking to come up with some activity that I can do during lunch. I hope I will be comfortable here to stay for as long as it takes to be where I want to be. The training will be 3 days. I am excited and please pray for my well being in this new company. I love you Diary.

My Mini Thoughts

Dear Diary,

It is funny that I cannot enjoy my last day of carefree lifestyle when I really wanted to enjoy it...mother is the culprit and now I am feeling that I do not have enough rest for my first day of work in a new environment. There goes my day and it is time to start working for a better tomorrow. Ohh...I wish I would have one more day to enjoy my freedom from work. I want to watch the DVD all day without worrying about anything. *sighs*

Aku Nak Khawin Nur KasihKu

Hello Diary,

Hari ini aku menghabiskan masa dengan bermain games yang baru sahaja aku download di iPad aku. Bermacam macam games yang aku download sehingga aku hayal bermain games itu sepanjang hari. Oh ya...kalau dalam bahasa Melayu, maksudnya aku memuat turun, betul kan? Tidak pernah aku mendengar perkataan itu tetapi sejak kita memasuki dunia yang canggih ini, seringkali aku mendengar perkataan itu lebih lebih lagi apabila berada di Malaysia. Siapa yang bertanggungjawab atas perkataan itu, aku sendiri pun tidak tahu tetapi aku yakin sesiapa sahaja yang decide perkataan itu adalah yang paling tepat untuk download, sememangnya dia bijak. Jikalau engkau bertanya pada aku, aku sendiri pun tidak punyai perkataan yang aku rasa sesuai. Mungkin vocabulary Melayu aku tidak sehebat sang pencipta itu.

Minggu lepas aku sibuk menghadiri majlis perkhawinan adik saudaraku. Umurnya 28 tahun dan memang sesuailah untuk dia berkhawin. Sampai sahaja di sana, aku melihat bertapa gahnya pelamin dia. Bertingkat tingkat dan tinggi sekali pelaminnya seolah olah dia mahu semua yang hadir dapat melihat pengantin dengan jelas. Walau apa pun niat dia, memang tidak akan aku nampak sebab aku rabun. Setinggi mana pun atau sebesar mana pun pelamin dia, aku harus squint kan mata aku jikalau aku mahu nampak dalam jarak jauh. Tidak ada contact lens atau spectacle. Memang aku macam itu. Aku tidak suka memakai semua itu. Pada aku, ianya leceh. Walaupun aku drive, memang aku tidak memakai specs.

Melihat adik saudaraku begitu gembira, terdetik di hati aku ingin merasai apa yang dia rasa apabila perempuan yang dia cinta dapat dia memiliki secara sah. Kadang kadang aku melayan jugak perasaan aku. Dalam hati aku cuma wonder jikalau cinta sejenis diizinkan agama, mungkin sudah lama aku berkhawin. Tetapi, itu hanya hayalan. Sememangnya cinta sejenis tidak di izikan dan janganlah aku terus berhayal begitu. Kadang kadang aku sedih dengan keadaan diri. Belum lagi hati ini terbuka. Entah bila aku pun tak tahu. Teringin sekali aku rasakan bagaimana rasanya berpimpingan tangan dengan cinta buah hati berjalan menuju ke pelamin. Teringin sekali aku rasakan. Kadang kala aku berhayal sendirian. Tetapi, aku gembira sekarang. Biarlah keadaan yang menentukan. Yang penting aku tahu siapa diri aku dan aku selesa dan gembira.

Kalau ada pun perasaan sedih, aku rasa itu lumrah manusia. Kita selalu diadili walaupun diri kita tidak dikenali. Cara kita berpakaian, bercakap, berjalan dan segala galanya yang kita lakukan, semuanya diadili oleh golongan manusia yang tidak pernah kita kenal. Inilah dunia. Senang sahaja manusia mengadili dan menghukum tanpa perbicaraan. Kalau perempuan yang merokok, itu perempuan liar dan kalau perempuan bertudung, itu perempuan baik. Siapa diri kita yang sebenar tiada siapa pun yang peduli. Luaran sahaja yang menjadi yardstick atau pengukur untuk kita digolongkan dalam category apa. Sedih kan?

Kadang kala aku rasa penat sekali. Penat untuk mencuba. Lebih baik berdiam daripada berkata apa apa. Mendiamkan diri adalah defence mechanism yang sangat mujarab walau apa pun situasinya. Ingin sekali aku menjerit sekut hati pada dunia yang aku bukan apa yang disangkakan. Tak apalah Diary....biarkan sahaja. Yang penting aku jaga sahaja hal sendiri.

Malam ini, adik saudaraku dengan parents nya datang ke rumah aku untuk meminta tolong ayah dan ibuku mewakilinya untuk merisik buah hatinya. Satu persatu adik saudaraku akan berkhawin. Lagi sekali aku hanya dapat menumpang gembira. Aduhai Diary....kenapa malam ini aku rasakan tulisan Melayu aku tak sedap langsung bila dibaca? Macam mana mahu aku jadi seperti Andrea Hirata kalau tulisan Melayu aku bunyi macam radio rosak sahaja?

Oh geez...I really think that I should brush up on my Malay. It is a shame if I cannot write a simple well written Malay essay. Alahai...biarkan sahaja lah. Aku mahu cuba dan terus mencuba seperti apa Broken Angel cakap. Jangan berhenti dari mencuba walaupun banyak obstacles. Yaa...aku gembira melihat saudaraku gembira tetapi pada masa yang sama aku pun sedih dengan diriku. Perempuan yang boleh dipanggil cinta hatiku, Nur Kasihku...bila boleh aku sarungkan cincin di jarinya dan memilikinya secara official. Oh sudah tentu tidak boleh...lagi sekali aku berhayal...keep on dreaming FaikaNur.

Oh Diary....aku rasa masa untuk tidur sudah sampai. Mari bermimpi dan selamat malam.

My Mum and Her Driving License

Dear Diary,

I just came back from JB with my parents. It was a tiring day. I was feeling sleepy while driving and yes I have to admit I just could not wait to go home to rest. I am having a headache that is really making me feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I wonder why did my mum ever bothered to learn how to drive when she does not really use the skill to the fullest. I mean, come on Diary...she has her license and I just do not understand why are they still dependent on me to bring them to places they want to go.

Do not misunderstand me; I am just so tired sometimes you know. I really wish my parents would be independent soon. Mum still needs a lot of practice behind the wheel. Her maneuvering skills still suck and I am very concern about it. Dad has just bought her a car in Tangkak. She has driven it for about 6 to 7 times but I cannot deny the fact that I really wonder how the instructor ever let her passed. Honestly, in my most sincere opinion she really needs a lot of practice. I got so tense everytime I sat beside her simply just to watch her drive. I was so worked up at the way she drives and maneuvers. I swear there can easily be world war three if I had let my temper get the better of me. Watching her drive is something that I take as a test to my temper.

I feel bad at times when I snapped at her while she was driving but I could not help it. There were times when I let her on her own but she could not last the whole driving session. She still needs guidance on lots of things especially on how to park the car. You know, my mother she is never a technical person. I can teach her how to operate the DVD player a hundred times today and she can forget about it the next day. Mum has just bought an iPad for her own use and frankly, I really think it is a waste. On a scale of 1 to 10, she only uses it at level 1. I have taught her of the basics but really, if she does not try to use it on her own, all my efforts teaching her will go to waste. That goes the same with the car.

I am somewhat disappointed with my mum. She does not seem excited about her new car. She does not want to be eager about driving. I hope she would at least be thrilled about brushing up her driving skills with a car, she can call her own but she does not. I wish I could be relaxed about it soon but I know until the day she manages to park the car on her own, only then I can be at ease. Believe me Diary, she takes ages to reverse parking and I cannot believe she has difficulty to forward parking too. Well yeah, I could understand that. I too, had trouble doing reverse parking when I just had my license but forward parking?

My parents are retiring end of this year, will be moving to Tangkak, and if my mum is still not skillful in her driving then I really should be worried. As much as I want her to be independent, skillful and confident, I do not want her to compromise on her safety, get what I mean?

The Things I Took So Long To Realise...

Hello Diary,

I have just reprimanded Hang Tuah for his misbehaviour. It has been two days continuously and his attitude just drove me up the wall. I find myself shouting at him trying to discipline him and I took the cane to hit him but I simply could not hit him with it. Perhaps he is just too adorable to be reprimanded with a cane or maybe I simply do not have the heart to carry out harsh disciplinary actions on animals, which I know can be very helpless. If you ask me what my weaknesses are, I would say my family, the elderly and animals. If I can do miracles, I would protect all the animals on earth. I cannot tolerate cruelty to animals. If I come across any cruelty to animals, I am sure I would have stand up for the animals. 

How has it been going for you Diary? Things on my side are fine I guess. Yes, I had found a job since the last entry I wrote to you and after three days, I quit. Nothing is new isn’t it? Well I hated the job and I was not comfortable in there. The environment and the benefits in the end to me are not attractive. Well, I found a new job again and this time I somewhat know I can stay long. I have not started work yet, they are doing some background financial checks and I am waiting for the clearance. The job scopes are the same with the old bank I was with and I know I have an ex colleague who will be working together with me, so yeah I can say with confidence that I will be comfortable here.  

The interview went well and I have set up my mind to tell the interviewer the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but of course that did not how exactly it happened actually. Well who could have blamed me? Nobody tells the truth in an interview. You somehow have to cook some sort of stories to secure the job. Telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth is madness and a risk. The interviewer was an ex staff of the old bank I used to work for. It was a smooth interview because he asked me questions that were fair and not very difficult to answer. The interview was straightforward, simple and long. I asked him relevant questions that I have just read over the internet on the most suitable questions to ask during an interview. I listened to him and I answered his questions earnestly. Of course, I did not tell him that I have had two short previous banking experiences after my last job and before the interview. That was really the part that I was not honest. I could not, and anybody would have agreed with me. How can I include 13 days and 3 days of experiences in my resume? Doing that would just be suicidal that will lead to other more difficult to answer questions.     

At the end of the interview, he offered me the position right away and I knew I nailed it. I wanted this job Diary. The environment would suit me and I know I would be comfortable. He asked what my concerns are and I told him there are only two things that I look for in a company which are the financial rewards and how comfy I can get in that new environment. That was a candid answer. After job hunting and well, perhaps job-hopping, sincerely I realised how important it is to be comfortable in a new environment.  However, there are two things to aim at in my life:  first, to get what I want and after that, to enjoy it. It took me almost my whole life to realise that only the wisest of humankind achieve the second. The environment has to be conducive and superiors have to be tactful on how to tackle issues with staffs. Honestly, I was comfortable with my job before but yeah I was looking for more in terms of monetary rewards to open my own food stall quickly. You know that happiness is excitement that has found a settling down place but there is always a little corner that keeps flapping around.  

I got the job, which offers me great monetary rewards, but I swear the working environment sucks to the core. I felt like I was going to hell when I reported to work. Hence, monetary rewards are not really the whole thing; you have to be happy coming to work or at least at ease and comfortable. Now I know.   Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys.  If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.