endless fury till i die

dear diary,

there's a relative of ours who is in the hospital and he is in a critical condition. he's a relative by marriage and i didn't really know him until i followed my parents to visit him in the hospital. he met with an accident at work and he has been in a comatose since then. he fell from a container and i assumed he hit his head first since doctors said there's a fracture in his skull at his forehead. no one saw how he fell but he was assumed to experienced a blackout first before he fell and hit his head against the pallette. he's married with 3 children and the youngest is only 12 years old. it's so sad for the family, he is the sole breadwinner of the family and i hope his family remains strong come what may. the doctors said that he has no hope of surviving and they only give him 30 hours. he is on a life support machine and it's all up to his family. i feel sorry for his family and i feel what they are feeling right now. it's so sad and i think all they can do right now is to pray and hope for a miracle.

diary, my toe is killing me. it hurts so much that i have difficulty taking wudhu and even shower. everytime the water hits the wound at the toe, it gives me a stinging pain. i am so afraid that people might just accidentally stepped on it. i am always very careful since i have this on my toe. i walked with cautious and i stay away from crowds to avoid them from stepping on my toe. mum told me to go to the polyclinic and get a prescription to go to the hospital for a minor surgery. i inherited this from dad, all my siblings have this kind of problems with our toe nails. if we happened to clip it wrongly, then the problems occurs. dad and my bro have gone for the operations and they have got no similar problems since. i am not sure if i want to go for the operation. i have this 'thing' about hospital. if i can avoid it, i will do anything to avoid it. i hate to be hospitalised and i hate to be diagnosed by the nurses or the doctors. basically, i hate people to 'check' on my body. ohh geeez, i really don't know what to do with myself sometimes. i hate to go through all these hassles. i think i will wait for a couple of days more and if things do not get better, then i'll go.

taj mahal text me last night and asked what is the currency exchange rate. i replied her back and asked why has she been quiet lately. as i figured, it's her school that's making her busy and probably didn't have much time to sms. i understand, anyway we are not attached and i have no reasons to question her neither does she. i haven't been calling or sending her sms either. i have been busy myself but i do have time to text to her if i want to but somehow i just think that's it's not right. i don't know diary, i feel that she is thinking about things and thinks that it's not necessary for her to send me news daily. school is another reason but i strongly believe there are other reasons as well. perhaps reality has hit on her as it has for me.

i began to realise that we are not attached and she has told me that she will not offer any promises and so i figured, yeah, i have no promises to offer her as well. she hardly expresses herself when it's about love and it's hard to hear her heart speaks. i never ask her anymore and i never wish to. things are better left alone when you are not ready for any commitments now. i told her about my toe and she said it might be 'cagu'. i don't know what the hell is that and she explained to me. i never heard of 'cagu' before and it really sounded foreign to me.

i am going to the cemetery this friday alone. my family will be away in malacca and i am home alone. i need to bring some scissors, water bottles and gloves. i am going to trim the mini trees on his grave. i think there are about 15 of them on his grave and they have grown big and out of size. i need to trim them nicely this friday so they all look of the same size and uniform. currently, they are all over the grave and have grown uneven. dad has stopped buying flowers and instead use the money to donate it to the mosque on behalf of my brother.

i think that is more appropriate and a good thing to do. we get nothing out of the flowers placed on his grave. they will wither and die and it symbolises nothing except that his grave has been visited. however, donations on behalf of him brings a lot of benefits to him and it can be an investment for him on judgement day. i totally support what my dad has decided to do and i think i will continue to do the same thing for every one of my loved one.

i spoke to mum about trouble and in the middle of the discussion, i got emotional. i am so annoyed with him and i have lost all respect towards him. i have said something that was rude and quite hurtful. he was not given away but he was taken away. there was no agreement, no permissions seeking session, no official contract about him. it was all based on verbal request and my dad obliged because it concerned his family. i was never close to him like a brother to a sister but we are more of a pair of cousins and he's bonding with my parents are never of a parents to son relationship but it's more of a parents to nephew kind of a relationship.

i still feel the anger now that my brother was taken away from my family but i am more angrier when they do not do a good job bringing him up. all these while, i have believe that when a child is taken away from his biological parents to be put under the care of a guardian who acts as parents, that parents must take full responsibility of that child. his basic necessities such as education, food, clothings and personal well-being must be paid attention to.

if that parents are bold enough to take him away without seeking permission then i will assume that they are also bold enough to face the consequences. it is to their advantage if the child turns out to be an angel and it is to their disadvantage if the child turns out to be a devil. however, they must never run away from their responsibility or shift the responsibility back to the biological parents when the child made a mistake that seems too much for them to take. it is unfair to the biological parents and it is so selfish of them to do so. this is what happens to trouble and i never like a bit about this. i have been tolerating and i have been holding back my resentment for too long. i cannot live in denial anymore.

i told mum frankly that in my mind, there are only 5 of us and right now it has gone down to 4 of us. i never take trouble to be in the family because i know it's pointless. the family bonding is never strong and he is rarely with us physically, i see no reasons to include him. i never deny the blood ties but in my case, blood is not always thicker than water. i am fed up with all of them, i despise them all and i would never want to be nice with them anymore.

allow me to make them happy

dear diary,

 my weekend has been hectic as usual. it seems that it is going to go on like this for a couple of months until end of the year. saturday morning was spent doing the laundry, vacuuming and mopping the house. i cleaned the kitchen, the hall and the rooms. i left home early on saturday to go to the driving school to register for my practical lessons. i paid a lump sum of close to 720 bucks and my first lesson is this thursday for a simulator training. the car used for practice is honda civic and the driving centre is at Comfort. i went there with hulk and we went for lunch after that. it has really been a long time since i ate at Arnolds. the last time i ate there when i was 12 years old and the fastfood restaurant still exist till today.

they serve chicken and they taste so much better than KFC. we had a very quick lunch cos hulk needed to get to his workplace at 1.30 and by the time i finished with the enrollment it was 1250. we didn't eat in a hurry but it was a very quick lunch. hulk left for work and i went straight to darul arqam to check some books at their book shop. i needed to look for some islamic religious knowledge textbooks and i was so glad i managed to find them. i went straight to the prayer's room to perform zuhur and i took my time to say my prayers.

my quran class only starts at 230 so i had plenty of time. the surrounding was serene and i felt as if i was enveloped in tranquility. the quran class was fine and there were quite a few students absent. we are advancing to a further stage and i really have to practice more. the thing about me is i am a fast learner but i also am a forgetful one. i need constant practice to be able to read perfectly if not close to perfect. there are many characters that i must be able to identify especially after they have been written cursively or merged with other characters. ustaz told us to differentiate the characters from each other by looking at the dots first. i missed last week's lesson and i knew they had learnt 'sukun'. i was blur at the beginning of the lesson but i soon caught up with them since i now know what does 'sukun' means.

we are advancing to 'kasrah' and most probably we will reach 'Dammah' anytime soon. in my opinion, ustaz is a good teacher but i do wish he would slow down a bit. he is really moving at high speed with us and i have to admit i have difficulty catching up if i missed the lesson prior to the current one. nevertheless, he is a very patient man and i think we are all adults and we should practice on our own if we are poor instead of waiting for the teacher to spoonfeed us. you know diary, there is a girl in my class, i think she is in her mid or late 20's. she looks arab and perhaps she is a pakistani and i think she is a flight attendant. she absents too often but makes an effort to come and learn diligently when she is present. she is pretty, tall and sexy and when she comes into the class, all eyes will be looking at her cos i assumed students are mesmerized by her beauty even the ustaz is i think. i never talk to her because i never had the opportunity. there are not many interactions in the class among the students cos everybody mind their own business and furthermore this is not a full time class in school or an institution, therefore class interactions is minimal.

i must go to comfort driving school this saturday to register for my practical test and also apply for my PDL. looks like i have to spend more money and be ready to see that the statement for my bank account is shrinking this month. i might be going alone unless chicken pie does not cancell her plan and make it here on friday. we met online last night and she told me she might be coming and if she doesn't go to the cruise, she is free and asked if she's able to put up at my house. i really don't mind cos i will be alone anyway and traveller could not make it. i can make room for a guest over this weekend. i thought it was only her that's coming until she told me she might bring her cousin. i don't mind but i hope they can get comfortable with what i have to offer.

i really don't understand how chicken pie plans her holiday. she should be able to tell me if she is going for the cruise or not last night because i am sure bookings have to be made earlier, deposits should have been paid in advance and leave from work must be applied as well. it seems unusual for a person who is going for a cruise to be telling me that she's not sure if she's going or not when the boat is leaving this weekend. i didn't ask her much cos it just didn't occur to me at that time. i told her directly to confirm with me if she is coming over or not and if she is, how many is she bringing along so that i can make rooms for them. she always seem to be the one to cancell the plan and i make sure that i will not be too excited this time.

tentatively she told me she might arrive at midnight cos she will be taking the 6pm coach from kl to singapore, obviously she has to work on friday and this only enforces my thought of how funny and unlikely she plans her holiday. i told her that she might have to take the cab to my house if she arrives after midnight. i have no one to fetch her since everbody is not at home and the car is out as well. the cab would be expensive if she takes after midnight, after midnight surcharge is included, it would be about 20-30 dollars and that is definitely very expensive in RM. i wish i had gotten my driving license already so i could fetch her from the checkpoint. my test date would probably be in july and if i pass at the first try, then i shall be able to drive by july this year.

my toe is at its worst diary. the bleeding doesn't stop and definitely the pain hasn't go away. the only treatment i give my toe is an hour of soaking with salt water and a few drops of dettol. the cut at the toe become soggy and it removes all the dried blood that's been clogging the cut. however, the wound is still open and this led to bleeding every night. it realy hurts and i cannot pray as usual. i have to pray like how my mum prays. i feel like i am becoming an old woman who needs to sit to perform the prayer. it tickles me and i am getting comfortable praying like that. the pain comes and goes and when it comes i feel like my toe is pounding. i have never experience something like this before, it hurts a lot. i hope it gets better soon cos i really miss skating and there's a long distance skating by skateline this saturday evening and i hope i can make it there if my toe gets well by then.

pizza called me and asked if i want to join them for dinner this thursday night. it's just going to be the girls and the boys are not coming. toothpick, extrovert, DHL and pizza will be there since asthma couldn't make it. i am a bit reluctant to go cos i never want to be in the group. i prefer to be an individual and i don't hang out much with them. they are all my cousins and cousins by marriage. i am neither distant nor close with them but i choose not to be very close with them. it's better that way so things will not be blown out of proportion cos we are family and if a little misunderstanding happens, things can get ugly for an indefinite period of time. i never had any problems with them and i would like to keep it that way.

i am closer with pizza and asthma cos we are cousins by blood and grew up together. the rest are all friends of pizza and it's just amazing how friends can turn to cousins. pizza really has a way of making people bond or perhaps it is just coincidence that two of her friends have joined our family thus pizza is inevitably closer to them than i am to them. i am not jealous since i have been close with pizza all my life but things have got rusty since she is married. furthermore, i notice that i have grown quiet with age and i have become anti-social a bit but it only happens with my relatives, i don't know why. probably because i am sad and always think it is unfair.

i have lost a brother and my family is not expanding. neither my brother and i are getting married and our family nucleus does not consists of new members for sure. pizza and asthma are siblings, both of them are married. my family is closer to theirs and everytime i look at their family i always feel that i need to do something to make my family grows. marriage seems to be so foreign to me and i don't think i will have flesh and blood from my own womb. i have plans of my own and adoption is the only answer if i want to have my own family when marriage is not in my agenda. however, i still have to complete my studies first before i am able to adopt. i am single minded about it and i love big families. don't be surprise if i am adopting 4 orphans and they are 2 boys and 2 girls.

actually, i have got their names ready and i hope i am allowed to live in this world longer so i can give the names to the kids and provide them with a home, care and love. and please God, lengthen my parent's lives too cos i know they are dying to have grandchildren they can call their own and if adopted grandchildren is what i can offer them, please let them love the kids like their own unconditonally.

have i lost it all?

dear diary,

for the first time after bakim's death, mum spoke to me openly about how she feels. i listened to her attentively and tried very hard to hold back my tears. she cried and there were tears in my eyes, i looked away to wipe the tears. i hate to cry infront of people. i don't know why but i have the habit since young and it is a habit hard to break.

i feel that i should only cry when i am alone and no one should ever see me cry. most of the times, i tried to uphold that belief but i have to admit defeat at some point of time. having to watch mum cried so sadly like that made my heart breaks into millions of pieces. i feel that i am drowning in my own sorrow and it is so hard to get to the surface to breath. i wish i could do something to make her smile again, i wish i could kiss all her worries and sadness away and grant her a life full of joy and happiness. i never want to see her in that state again and i hope she will be strong enough to face all hardships and adversities in the time to come. i have made a promise to myself that i will stand behind her all the way however she needs me, through thick and thin, through sickness and in good health, i will bend till i break till there's no more to give, if that's what it takes.

the car is allocated and we are required to make further payments to Mazda. dad is taking charge of everything and i just let it be. i am not involve with the purchase of the car and i shall not interfere. i have seen it many times and i knew how it looks like. it's quite tall like Hyundai Matrix and it looks big from the outside. oh yes, talking about cars, i have found myself a suitable private driving school which charges reasonably. i am paying one lump sump and i don't have to worry about anything else after that. i only have to worry about the test booking fees, PDL application and circuit training rental. the one picked up my call was fairly polite and sounded professional. his english was good and understandable. he explained to me comprehensively volutarily without waiting for me to ask questions. that showed an initiative to make me attracted to what the driving school has to offer. i took down their full address and will be there tomorrow to register. it's at geylang serai and it's so near to darul arqam where i have my quran class.

i hope they have a slot on saturday morning for me so that i can go for quran class immediately after driving class. however, the test centre is at Ubi and it is an area known for its high traffic round the clock. but i am not too worried about that since, i know 4 people who took their license there privately and passed as well. my brother took his there and i don't see why i should be afraid of the place. once again it's all mind over body, don't be afraid and have confidence in yourself. get rid of all the bad thoughts and have a clear mind when you want to embark on something. things will be fine and will be smooth when you do not anticipate fear.

chicken pie text me again last night and i didn't reply her back. i wanted to reply her back but i took my time and i saw her online, i kind of get the feeling that she was upset with my attitude. we didn't chat much, i told her i was about to reply her when she came online and i don't think she could stomach that. i really don't know what's wrong with me. it's like i am keeping away from all the girls. i haven't talk to taj mahal regularly now, i haven't talk to chicken pie like before now and i don't care if aramis text me or doesn't anymore, in fact i couldn't be bothered about anything else except for my driving class, studies, work and family. it seems that i have lost interest in having intimate friendships with anyone anymore.

i am not sure but i just prefer to do my own things nowadays. taj mahal has been quiet too probably because of her exam. it's in june and i know she's busy with her revision and studying. law is something where you need to do a lot of reading with understanding, a lot of analysis, research and thinking. i miss her everytime i think of her, and i can never explain why things happened so fast between us. perhaps i have this thing about dark women, particularly North Indians. i can easily get attracted to them and my eyes can never look away from them if i happen to come across them in Public.

diary, i got to go. need to read up on somehting.later.

everything comes with a price

dear diary,

my friend finally called me tonight and gave me her hotel and room number so that i can reach her to meet for dinner. this will be my first time meeting her and i hope things will be fine. i have spoken to her on the phone before and judging from there, i know we can click. she is about my age or probably younger and i don't think she is attached.

oh i have to tell you that chicken pie called again last night just to wish me good night. she is on her exercise routine and she told me she wants to have a tummy like mine. i giggled at her statement and ask what kind of tummy does she think i have when she has not seen i bare my tummy yet. she giggled and i somehow i knew she wants to shed off a few kilos. in my opinion, she's overweight for her height but it really does not matter to me if i were to take her as my gf. anyone else would think the same too right? if you have fallen for someone, size does not matter. it is not like i am going to take her as my gf but i am just talking in general. she has sweet face however and a very nice voice.

i have check the website for some very important things to do and it looks like i have to re-adjust my budget to meet the needs. sacrifices have to be made and i guess i am making one. you will see a new more slimmer me in a year's time. hahaha well a man got to do what a man got to do. i am single minded about it and by hook or by crook, i will get it. it's not so difficult as it seems it is if you set your mind to it and go all out to achieve it. mind over body that's what they say.

my schedule is getting tighter and tighter after this. this year really marks the year for my revolution. i got a tutor for myself and i hope she's pretty. she's indian muslim and i think she's a convert cos she's the only one in her family who is a muslim. she's staying in tampines and i have to be there on every saturday after my quran class. oh yes, talking about quran, i just remembered that i have to register for the quran class module 2 by end of this month since module one is ending soon. ohh man, gosh it looks like i have to utilise my savings first. i have to pay a lot this month, my one time tuition registration fees, quran module 2 registration fees, PDL registration fees, practical driving lessons registration fees and my practical test fees. i think it all adds up to 700-800 bucks. oh boy, i am really going to become just flesh and bone soon. it is just my luck that every registration happens to be at the same time. i have a choice to bring forward my driving matters registration but i don't want to wait anymore cos i cannot afford to do so.

i really have to do a lot of reading this time, it seems that all the subjects demand lots of reading with in depth understanding. i can make it, i know i can, i know i will. hahaha, have you noticed how people motivate themselves diary? they give themselves all these encouraging talks, speeches to boost self esteem and confidence. but sometimes, people lose steam very fast and early and if they do not make an effort to remotivate themselves, all the effort will go down the drain. no victory, no success, no triumph and no glory. i hope i don't become like that. i bet if we do a survey, we will get a very surprise figures at how many people in this world today are doing the jobs they don't desire to do.

they are only doing it because of lack of opportunities, lack of educational qualifications or probably they just don't get lucky. i know many of my friends who became what they are for their parents. lawyers, doctors, engineers, professional designations but not what they wanted to be from young. well, i don't know how did i manage to break away from it all but i am sure my parents know that i am a bull that is not easily tamed, once provoked i will be very hostile with everyone in my way.

you know what, i have lots on my mind, and i have not stop thinking till this very moment, and when i am thinking of something else when i am doing something else, i cannot do it right. to get it right is to stop doing the other while doing the other, get what i mean? but i cannot stop thinking and therefore, i think it is better for me to stop writing now and focus on my thinking. good day diary.

let's get going with the license

dear diary,

i have to wait till saturday to apply for my PDL as the traffic police office closes at 5 daily and i cannot be there before 5. i have to be a morning person this saturday and get there before 12 to apply for my PDL and at the same time book my practical test. i might have to spend about 100 bucks for the registration fees. i hope the driving instructor has a slot for me to fill on sunday morning cos i want to get started with my practical once i get my PDL. I cannot afford to waste anymore time. i feel like i am in a race to get my license since almost all my cousins have got theirs.

a friend from KL is coming over and it looks like i have to make time to meet her. i sent her a sms to meet on friday evening. she's putting up at lion city hotel and i think i will take her dinner to hajah maimunah to have a taste of singapore malay food. hajah maimunah is a popular restaurant in geylang and it serves good and tasty food at reasonable price. the concept is fun and simple but the food sure taste excellent. one thing i like about hajah maimunah is, it has this 'be generous' policy towards their customers in all their staffs. the portion given to you is big and you will never feel cheated when eating there. be it from the dishes to snacks to deserts, you name it, it's like you can eat all you want.

the deserts is self service and you can take how much you want even if it reaches to the rim of the bowl. that's what i would say, good business etiquette. their business is thriving and people come non-stop and i assume it is all because of their generosity, sincerity and honesty in giving service to the people. i have a lot of respect for businesses like this. i am not religious but i have always believe, when you do business with sincerity, generosity, integrity and dignity, you will always be blessed by up above. it has been said that if we give away one to charity, we will be rewarded 10 times more than what we gave. hajah maimunah is a good place to eat and i will definitely bring her there. she has been here for a couple of times only i did not have the chance to meet cos of my tight schedule nowadays.

i really hope she will be able to make it cos i have an appointment with my insurance agent this thursday and i have to be at the driving school on saturday morning to apply for my PDL and i have my quran class in the afternoon after that. if she is not able to make it, then it looks like we have to meet some other time whenever she is here again. this time round, i have to meet her and bring her to dinner. i hope she can make it cos she is here for work and i don't know what's her schedule like. i am still waiting for her reply until then i shall reserved friday evening for her.

little sister is very quiet and i am sensing something that is not right. she was in trouble with herself and i sent her email scolding her. i guess it was a bit harsh and direct. i didn't sound mean but i knew i sounded firm and dissapointed with her. she replied me back and she was so sorry for what she did and she sounded very apologetic. she did mention she will tell her parents about what she did and i think she has done so now. her parents might be very worried and dissapointed with her too and she is probably not allowed to go online anymore.

geeess, i wish i had never said to her those stuffs. i wish i had never made her feel so bad and guilty about what she did. oh man, i am worried about her. i don't know what's going on with her. she might have gone back to sabah i think and could be under tight supervision by her parents. little sister, i am sorry to have put you into trouble, all i wanted was for you to stop doing the things you do. i just want you to be healthy that's all. ohh damn...i wish she would have taken her time before being too honest with her parents. i just wish she would have waited for my email before she does anything silly. i feel so sorry for her, sometimes i wish i were there so that i can take good care of her and advise her. she's so pampered you know, very adorable and sweet. she explained why she stopped calling me big sister, she had a crush on me cos i am too nice and kind to her. well, i am beginning to feel that being too kind and nice can be hazardous. but it's only a crush and crush usually doesn't last long. i miss her, i miss my little sister and i hope she is fine and in good condition. please take away all worries and sadness from her.

i received a sms from russia 5 days ago. it was short but sincere message. i replied her back, told her about the driving progress. sometimes i feel like going back to her but i am so afraid to hurt her again. she is a good person and someone i know i can depend on when i am in need. i wanted to ask her to come over my house this good friday since there's a holiday and my family is out. but i don't think it's a good idea, i don't know diary. i want her to come over and just stay here for the weekend but i am just so scared that we might get too carried away and i don't want her to think anything negative. it's very awkward now but i hope things will be back to normal without the intimacy involve.

traveller and i are chatting more often than before. she's always online nowadays and it is inevitable for us not to exchange news even for awhile. she's out of job and is looking for one but there is a restriction for her cos she has to be with her parents since most of her siblings have got married and moved out of the house. i understand how she feels and we have become close again and it makes me appreciate her for who and what she is. i wonder sometimes how would it be like if she and i are still together. it's so long ago, almost 8 years and we are still keeping in touch. i saw the change in her and perhaps she saw the change in me as well.

traveller is a good person and i never could once recall if she ever hurt my feelings when we were a thing. it was always i who hurt her. she was always tolerant of my nonsense while i was totally the opposite, easily angered at her slightest mistakes, always taking her love for granted. i hope she knows that i am sorry for being such a jackass while i was with her. i guess she's one of my buddies who could put up with my impatient, hot tempered stubborn attitude. i just realised that i have been overlooking the fact that traveller is one good friend i have been ignoring. i made a promise to myself that traveller will always have a place right here in my heart.

bring back the joy

dear diary,

i am not so sure if i am coming down with fever again. the headache is gone but my body feels warm now and i can feel that my head is slightly pounding. my eyeballs are warm. i might have to take some panadols later on and drink some fresh orange juice. i think my body lacks a lot of Vitamin C and water. i have came down with fever for a few times this month and each fever lasted for 3 days. they are not serious but it's happening too often. i might have to go for a check up soon if it gets too often like this. dengue fever is on the rise here and there are fatal cases near to my residence.

i called a private instructor last night and made some enquiries. i have to get my Provisional Driving license(PDL) first before i can start my practical lessons since i am not going to study as a student in the school. his name is Mr. Toh and honestly, i had a hard time understanding his english. it was neither good nor bad but it was below average. while i was talking to him i was thinking, how the hell am i suppose to learn driving from you when i can't understand you fully?

this is the problem with private driving instructors. if you happen to have an old chinese speaking driving instructor, then you might have a problem communicating and understanding. i hope he can speaks malay so that we can communicate in malay. he told me, from mon to fri 9-5pm the cost fee is 22 dollars per hour and from mon-fri after 5, weekends and public holiday, would be 24 dollars an hour. i told him i will apply for my PDL first and will be contacting him soon after that. i will have to go to the driving school this afternoon to book for my practical test. i hope i get an earlier date and do not have to wait for 6 months. private students are prone to get a late test date that is why people choose to register as a student in school than taking privately. however, we also cannot deny it's much cheaper to take private than as a student in school.

chicken pie called me up last night and asked if i want to join her for a holiday in perhentian island in june. she will be there for a week and that's way too long for me. if i could go, i would go with her cos i want to spend quality time with her. she was hoping for me to go as well but i have to turn down her offer. i felt bad towards her but i hope i can make it up to her one day. she's been inviting me to join her for holidays a couple of times and i have been declining her offers politely. it's not that i don't want to go but i can't. i explained to her and she understands.

i hope she really understands and will not think otherwise when i decline her offers. what tickled me about her invitation was the fact that she hoped we can go and take our scuba diving course together. i giggled to myself and she kind of just remembered that i am afraid of waters. she laughed at herself and told me i could stay on the boat and watch her swim. ohh yeahhh, i would really love to see her in swimming suit, two piece please. *giggles mischieviously* i think she knew she was a little bit too pushy with me when she offered me a ride from JB to KL the other day, this time, she made it a point to ask me if she were too pushy with me and if she was, she's sorry.

i like her this time, she seems sensitive about how i feel and tried not too push it too far. we talked a little bit about her x gf and i asked her why does she need someone to divert her attention. she seemed to have realised that she shouldn't have said that to me, she said she has poured out her predicaments to the wrong person and she apologised and told me it was a small matter. i didn't mind if she wants someone to listen to her problems but it's difficult for me to do so since we are living in two different countries and communications by technologies is costly. but i cannot help to wonder does she only look for me whenever she needs someone to divert her attention from her ex? it can be quite controversial making that statement to me and that explains why she claimed she had said it to the wrong person. i can only smile at her blunder, if only i were there infront of her, i would really love to see the expression on her face.

hang tuah is getting bigger and heavier since we sent him for sterilisation. he is growing and he's not stopping. his colour is still lilac and sometimes i just find that it is similar to a rug on the kitchen floor. hang tuah looks clean and he has a very soft fine hair. we use the best shampoo and feed him with premium cat dry food. out of all the 8 cats we have reared, i think hang tuah is the most high maintenance cat i have ever come across. his medical fees can be more expensive than mine and his breeder insists on us feeding him with Royal Canine.

I cannot deny that royal canine is of high quality because tuah has never suffered from any constipation and diarrohae before. his stools are hard and never have been soft and sticky before. that shows he is eating well and right. furthermore, royal canine has lots of proteins and vitamins and it's good for him to grow. you should have gone with me to the cat show diary. there were many other beautiful cats, i saw the Singapura cats, rag dolls, bangles, scottish fold, british shorthair/longhair, american tabby and lots more. i saw rag dolls which are 5-6 years old and they were as big as dogs!! hang tuah will grow to that size and i cannot wait. oh god, i am missing him so much i want to pinch his backside once i get home.

he's so naughty, he only goes to my room cos he wants to look out of the window and watch the children play at the playground otherwise he wouldn't want to come into my room cos he knows i will be teasing him if he does. i placed my keyboard stool underneath the window and he likes to stand on the stool and stick his head out the window. he looks cute when he does that, very childlike and he seems smart. he doesn't sleep at night and roams the house freely like a king. he likes to be around people and enjoys humans company. there were many times when mum was cooking and i was in the bathroom. mum finished cooking and went into her room to shower.

there was no one else outside and tuah cried out very loud for us. i panicked and thought something happened to him only when i realised mum left him alone outside without telling him and he went to look for mum. i called him, he ran to me and stayed in the toilet while i took my shower. it was rather funny but rag dolls are known to enjoy humans company and will call out to people if he is left alone. i can see that mum and dad love hang tuah very much. dad has never loved a cat this much before and i can only tell it's because he has lost a son. hang tuah can never replace the son he has lost but he knows hang tuah is the only channel where he can pour out all his reserved love and affections that were meant for his lost son.

i know that somehow my brother and i have to have children of our own to divert my parents attention away from the thoughts of having lost a son. we need to expand our family regardless if we do it biologically or not. we need to bring back laughter and joy to this family of ours, we need to bring back the smiles to our parents faces, we need to give back to our parents for what they have lost even when we jolly well know what they have lost is not replaceable.

when excitement is not exciting anymore

dear diary,

i now know why they always say expect the least expected. yesterday i received an email from someone i never thought i would hear from anymore. it just didn't occur to me that i would be hearing from her even if it is just a short note. i didn't know what was i feeling when i got her email but it was good to hear from her even if the content does not carry any genuine friendliness but it was good to hear from her and know that she is fine. i chose not to reply her back. i am afraid that i might say the wrong things again and create another misunderstanding (maybe i already have), you know how i can get with my vocal ability don't you? looking back, we have gone a long way.

only twice we met but those two moments were enjoyable. i never wanted to meet her initially cos i usually stay away from fellow lesbians from singapore for security purposes but i didn't know why it was an exception with her. probably because i knew she's not singaporean by nationality and so i figured she wouldn't have many or any relatives residing here, so therefore i gave it a go and it proved worthwhile. i wrote about her in my thoughts you know. she was fine and nice and generous and the only disadvantage i had is i was broke. hahaha, the first time i met her, i only had 20 cents in my pocket and the second time i met her, i just had enough for dinner.

hey come on, i was a student depending on pocket money from my parents, you cannot expect much from a student you know. hahaha, ohh geess excuses and reasons...if Donald Trump were to hear that i would have been fired! haha...i cannot deny that i do not think of her but i guess that happens to everybody doesn't it? how can we forget someone who has got a place in our diary? even when you don't talk anymore you can't erase them and the memories you have with them will be stored in a special place in your heart waiting for time to be reminisced and all you can do is smile at those sweet memories that cannot be repeated but good enough to be replayed.

looking back at all the girls that have left footprints in my heart, i began to realise that love is only beautiful in the beginning. after awhile, it will lose it juice and people will lose steam. it takes great effort to keep it going and alive. you have to know that you need love and not just want it. traveller, mama, kiddo, dancing queen, pontianak, sweetcorn, ash, russia, taj mahal, chicken pie, princess, mee goreng, aramis, lecturer, alia and flying waitress, i love all of them and i still think of them deep down in my heart but i know some people are better left alone even though how much i am missing them or how sorry i am for what happened and regardless how much i want things to be back as before. sometimes i feel like a fool, hoping and waiting for something that has no certainty.

when you get older, you will get tired of it eventually, the excitement is not there anymore probably because you have grown out of it and there are more important things to decide than to go on building castles in the air. you began too see the reality of life and small petty issues do not intimidate you anymore. things that may excite you 5 years ago may not do the same thing to you now because you already knew what will be in store for you if you were to response to such feelings. you tend to be laid back about things and take one day at a time paying more attention to the things you deem are more worthy of your attentions. you began to realise that you cannot stop people from having negative impressions on you and you cannot stop people from talking about you. you just can't so you let them think and you let them talk. never mind what they are about, in the end, only you and yourself that matters. some people are meant to be your friends for life while some are only meant to be acquaintances. they only appear in your life for a short period of time and the rest is history. people come and people go, people live and people die, that is what life is all about. you just have to get on with life and get over it.

chicken pie text me last night, she seemed distress and restless. it was about her x-gf and i told her to worry about things only when it's worth it. she needed someone to divert her attention from her x-gf. i didn't know what's the problem with them but i don't see any reasons why she has to be distress when she was the one who asked for the break up. she shouldn't feel that way and if she needs someone to divert her attention from her x-gf, then i am sorry cos i am not volunteering. for crying out loud, i am not going to be the person someone will talk to just because she is on a rebound. experience tells me that when your relationship is on the verge of breaking up and when you happen to find someone at that point of time along the way, you will always find she is nice, and always listen to you when she is not.

you think like that because you feel that ur gf is mistreating you and your soul is in need of attentions and care, never mind how you are going to get it. and when that someone comes along and when your heart seems to accept her the way she is, regardless if she is taking advantage of the situation or not, she will always be accused of breaking up the relationship you have with your gf at a later point. it's so annoying and bloody unfair.

diary, i have passed my final theory test and i was so excited. the result came on sunday and it was only less than a week. i told hulk about it and i laughed at him for having to pass it at 11th attempt when it only took me first attempt to pass. he was pissed with me and i went on teasing him. that's how i am with my buddies, hippos, hulk, melissa, voice and curly fries would not have mind about my attitude, that is why i have always prefer to stick to my old good friends because they always know me best and will not let small things like that ruined our frienships. i only need to go through the final stage which is the practical test. i have to start looking for a private driving instructor already and definitely set aside some budget for the practical course fees. i didn't really think i could pass my final theory cos it seemed difficult than the basic one but according to my estimation there were about 5 questions that i was unsure of.

i guess my estimation was right that was why i passed. i hope to pass my practical test at the first try too so that i will be able to have my license before aidilfitri this year and hopefully before i leave this place for good. mum said she will buy me a car if i get a place there but i don't think i will want her to do that. don't think i need a car there anyway, i would rather keep that money for my school fees.

i followed my parents to a wedding yesterday and it was a sad affair. i didn't want to go in the first place cos i knew it will only reminded me of my late brother. my parents insisted for me to come so i went reluctantly. i do not know the bride but i know her family. her brother was a friend of my late brother and they came to our house a few days after the funeral. it was an act of goodwill which my mum will always remember. it happened that my brother was his wedding planner and became better acquainted with his family. his family felt sorry for our loss and did their best to comfort us. i guess mum feel indebted towards their effort and was adamant about going.

i didn't want to go not because i was proud but i didn't want to go cos i knew somehow somewhere one of us will cry and i was right. mum cried when she held the bride's mother's hand and i immediately looked away. damn!! i hate this feeling. i hate it diary...i don't want it anymore. i don't want them to cry anymore and i don't want to cry anymore. i still think of him before i go to bed and it will only makes me even more sad. i tried to think of other things but i failed. things will be better soon i know.

my time is up diary, i have to go and i will talk to you again when time permits. please take care. bye for now.

so many stories so little time

dear diary,

i don't know how to begin but somehow i am ashame of myself. i told you about my brother attitude with the house issues but last night changed everything. coincidentally he called and asked me to meet him at north point. he bought a desktop and needed my help to carry it to the car. i met him and was browsing the lap tops available there when he asked am i not getting a lap top since i am going abroad to study soon. i told him i might not need one cos i will be taking over the house. he seemed puzzled and asked me why. i told him everything and he began to see the clear picture. he seemed to be deep in thoughts while driving and i figured that he was thinking about it thoroughly. he told me that he will buy the house and will stay with my parents. we have discussed it with my parents and i will be the co owner of the house. everyone has agreed unanimously and i am so glad that my brother has come into his senses. all i can say now, here i come kuala lumpur.

hang tuah is becoming very naughty and mischievious after his sterilisation. last night while i was praying, he came into the prayer's room and sat on my feet. i was hoping he would get up before i did my 'sujud' but he did not instead he got too comfortable and rested his head on my feet. when i was about to do my 'sujud', i had to open my leg wide to provide him with room. he bit my leg at that time and it was so ticklish. that whole thing was repeated twice and i just couldn't scold him cos he is simply adorable. even mum has noticed the change in him, he is becoming more naughty, active, mischievious but always will be adorable. he messed up the house yesterday morning. the flower pots and lamp were all over the house and the leaves were scattered everywhere.

mum told me, she saw tuah ran into the lamp, knocked it down and climbed on top of it and bit the leg of he lamp. he then walked into the mini garden and played with the leaves and flowers. he got so engrossed in it that even when mum told him not to play with it anymore, he ignored mum's advice and kept on playing. he is very big now and almost reaching 5kg. for a 6 months old cat, to be 5 kg is extraordinary. it is understood that rag dolls can grow very big almost the size of a dog. during the competition in january, i saw mostly rag dolls and they were so big. i cannot wait for tuah to be that big, he will surely get a lot of attention when there are visitors to our house.

he's a handsome cat and very muscular, very charming and charismatic. he has blue eyes and sharp nose. he has begun to know his name and everytime i call him, he would turn to look at me with his handsome manly face. i think he takes after my look and personality. very cute and cool. *giggles* he loves to bite my hand when i play with him. he would drop himself to the floor with his feets and hands up in the air and i will rub his tummy and he would bite my hand. he only bites my hand but he does not do that to strangers. he's a very disciplined and well behave cat. i love him so much.

taj mahal has been sick lately. she fainted twice and she was admitted to the hospital and was put under observation. she told me it was fever but it turned out that she had viral infection. i don't know what the hell is viral infection but it sounded serious. i don't know how is her condition now and where is she. i text her this morning but she has not replied me yet. i am not sure if she is in the hospital or home and i don't know what's the progress after the blood test. i hope she is fine and is not in danger. she complaint that her ear hurt so much and she went to the clinic to get some droplets of medicine into her ear and it cost RM170. it's so bloody expensive for a student. i wonder how is she doing right now. haven't heard from her for more than 8 hours now. wherever she is, i hope she is going to be fine and recovering soon.

chicken pie has been quiet too. she sent me offline messages through YM 3 days ago. she told me things between us have changed and she misses chatting with me and sharing life stories with me. i miss doing those stuffs with her too but i am just so busy nowadays. with studies, driving school, quran class, skating, work and family, i hardly have time for chatting online. chicken pie has been good to me and i enjoy her companion. she was here 2 weekends ago and we planned to meet but we didn't cos there were so many uncertainties with her plans.

she was staying at her friend's place and it's difficult to move around. it's far from my place anyway. one thing about chicken pie that makes me feel uncomfortable about her is, she's kind of westernised. not that extreme but at a level where it can make me turn off. she buys gifts for christmas, go for christmas dinners, celebrates valentines, drinks and go clubbing too often. probably she socialises with people her kind and it's just the lifestyle she carries. when i met her, i didn't think she would be like that but the more conversations i had with her the more it enforces my opinions about her being socialise with people like that. they say birds of a feather flock together. i may be able to socialise with her but i am not sure if i can get along with her friends. i am an extrovert and reserved. i don't like to go out in big groups and i hate to be with someone who will attract lots of attentions.

it's hard for me to get comfortable with people and i am very selective about whom i want to make my friends. when i study myself, i see why people say i am proud and anti-social. i stay away from people i don't feel comfortable with and i only talk to them when it's necessary. i keep to myself and only go out with whom i feel comfortable. it's hard to describe myself because i may behave differently with people. i do not have fix characters. the only thing i can confidently confirm about myself is i am reserved and only when i feel comfortable and safe with someone, then i will consider her as my friend, otherwise she will just be an acquaintance. i like doing my own thing and most of the time i do it alone.

diary, i have to tell my late brother something, let me write to him ok.

assalamualaikum bakim, apa khabar? kau ok ke? aku cam biasa aje kat sini. mak, ayah, balim semuanya sihat. ayat aku tak tau sebab kau pun tahu kenapa kan? dia senyapkan diri jadi aku pun malas nak tanya khabar dia. biasalah dia tu, dalam kesusahan aje baru carik kita. aku dah menyampah ngan dia. balim makin naik badan dia. perut dia tu dah cam orang mengandung 7 bulan. entah apa dia makan pun aku tak tau. teruk sangat lah badan dia naik. dulu masa dia sibuk pergi gym, ada six packs, lepas mandi dia pakai tuala show off ngan kita six packs dia tu, skrnng lepas mandi terus pakai baju dalam toilet hahaha. aku pulak makin kurus. ramai yang cakap cam tu. ari raya cina ari tu aku gi kl jumpa kawan kawan aku. diorang cakap semua aku makin kurus. entah, diorang cakap muka aku cengkung.

aku rasa memang aku makin kurus tapi tak adalah sampai muka cengkung. biasa aje pada aku. aku skrng ni makin active main skate. almost every week aku main. selalunya aku main sorang aje tapi kalau ada team atau balim ke aku gi lah ngan diorang. iszy pun dah beli skate tapi sampai skrng tak belajar belajar main. aku malas nak cakap. setakat semangat dua minit aje apa gunanya kalau beli skate mahal mahal. pemalas nak mampos. asyik penat lah, keje banyak lah, itulah inilah, alahhh kalau diri sendiri yang nak main, penat ke apa ke, mesti boleh punya. aku dulu masa memula main makan 5 jam terus dah leh main. nak kena ada passion, nak kena ada discipline. aku tak paham lah dia tu. aku dah cakap ngan dia, kalau nak belajar panggil aje aku, aku boleh ajar tapi asyik aku aje yang tepon dia suh main, kalau dia sendiri yang nak main tak ada. lama lama aku pun malas lah.

sendiri dah beli, sendiri pandai lah bagikan masa. 26 mar ni ada saturday night skate kat yishun. aku nak pergi tapi bila teringat balik, balim tak ada sebab dia mak sama ayah gi malaka, iszy pulak gi tioman. aku sorang aje. aku tak kenal lah diorang tu yang pergi. tapi aku nanti nak tanya kawan aku dari kl dia nak tidur rumah ke tak kalau nak boleh suh dia bawak sekali skate dia sebab dia pun skate. boleh ajak dia pergi night skating tu. kali ni diorang pergi dari yishun MRT ikut park connector dalam 10km. aku rasa nak pergi lah. kalau aku sorang pun aku nak pergi lah. boleh buat kawan kat situ. at least kalau aku kenal lain orang yang tinggal yishun jugak best boleh buat skating buddies. nak harapkan si balim sama iszy tu sudahlah, sampai ke tua agaknya.

bakim, kau tau kan kita dah beli keter baru. balim yang pilih, mak sama ayah pun suka. mazda 2 auto 1.5 liter. colour merah. aku salu nampak keter tu sebab kat novena square ada display keter tu sebab ada lucky draw. sama colour merah jugak. keter dia tinggi pas tu besar jugak. kusi dalam dia boleh lipat jadi belakang tu macam van. mak kata, nanti keter tu dah dapat, nak ajak tuah jenjalan gi pasir ris. aku kalau cakap pasal tuah ni aku menggeram lah. cam nak gigit aje bontot dia. aku geram sekali ngan dia! dia tu bau bacin kau tau tak? mulut dia bau busuk. tapi semua orang sayang dia. kalau kau masih ada mesti kau dah cium dia. dia manja baik lembut. tak nakal.

ayah kata nak lepaskan dia dalam keter. biar dia panjat tingkap tapi tingkap semua tutup lah takut dia lompat keluar. ayah deposit 10k keter tu jadi kalau dah pakai 5 tahun terus leh jual balik. memula balim nak beli hyundai getz, tapi ayah tak kasi sebab keter korea ni murah memang murah tapi tak tahan lama. kalau nak pakai lama biar keter 100 peratus jepun. hahahah entah ah aku tak tau tapi pak andak cakap cam tu. mungkin dia lebih tahu sebab dia dah lama drive.

tapi aku rasa keter jepun memang lah bagus sebab jepun terkenal dengan technology dia. kau tau kan mimi pun pakai mazda 3. dia pun memang cakap mazda memang ada quality punya kereta sebab tu lah mahal. entahlah aku ni skrng tengah amik lesen, kalau pass, masa tu aku tak lagi duduk sini, mungkin aku dah duk kl. beli aje kancil hehehehe atau pun tak yah ada keter. duit tu simpan untuk sekolah. kalau duk hostel ada transport gi sekolah. tak yah ada keter. aku tengah sibuk kumpul duit, kalau boleh tak nak harapkan mak sama ayah bulat bulat.

selagi aku mampu aku tanggung sendiri. eh bakim, kau tau rumah tu nanti balim nak beli. ayah jual pada dia. cpf ayah dah kuar kan jadi skrng rumah kena bayar cash tetiap bulan. jadi cara yang paling baik, salah satu antara kita kena beli rumah tu jadi potong dari cpf kita aje. memula balim tak nak beli sebab dia nak beli rumah dia sendiri. mungkin dia nak tinggal sorang nanti. masa tu aku rasa dia belum paham sangat procedures beli rumah. dia kalau boleh tak nak mak sama ayah tak ada rumah tapi dia tak fikirkan camna mak sama ayah nak bayar rumah tu nanti kalau cpf pun dah tak ada. aku terangkan dia perkara sebenar kasi dia paham baru lah dia nak beli rumah tu.

jadi sekarang ni, kita nak kena pergi HDB jumpa consultant dia, seek advice and then think throughly about it all then sign the agreements. kalau balim jadi owner, aku mak sama ayah jadi co owners jadi bulan bulan potong dari cpf aku jugak. cam tu lah plan kita. after 5 years we sell the house and then terus semua sekali balik segamat. mak dalam process nak buat rumah kat tanah tu. itulah harta pusaka keluarga kita. nak buat harta turun temurun keluarga kita. tapi masalahnya skrng, aku tak rasa aku akan kawin, balim pun aku tengok cam tak da plan nak kawin. entahlah bakim. mungkin keluarga kita ni nanti tak ada keturunan. hati aku ni masih camni lagi. aku tak ada cita cita nak dirikan rumahtangga. nampak gaya balim pun sama. dia sibuk ngan career dia aje sama studies dia. kalau ayat pun, entahlah, he doesn't grow up with us, tak mesra lah. aku mungkin ada keluarga sendiri, tapi aku akan ambil anak yatim piatu aku nak buat anak angkat. paling sikit pun 2, paling banyak pun 4. tengoklah camna nanti, kalau ada rezeki insyaAllah aku buat. skrng ni aku nak sambung belajar aje dulu.

bakim, wheelchair kau cik melah pinjam untuk adik dia pakai. entah adik dia sakit tak leh jalan agaknya atau lemah nak jalan. mak pinjamkan dulu kalau dah tak nak pakai barulah kasi balik. kau punya walker tu pun cik som yang pinjam sebab kaki dia sakit. barang barang kau ramai yang pinjam. semuanya ada berkat. kau dapat pahala. bakim, nanti 26 mar ni singapore holiday. ada good friday, jadi aku ingat aku nak pergi jumpa kau. orang kata hari paling baik kalau nak ziarah kubur adalah hari friday. aku dah lama nak pergi kubur kau hari friday sorang. hari tu aku datang ngan kawan aku russia ari friday jugak. tapi kalau boleh aku nak datang sorang, aku nak duduk kat kubur kau sorang. ari friday tu nanti aku datang ok. mak, ayah sama balim gi melaka. aku bacakan kau yassin sama tahlil. dah lama aku nak buat cam ni. selalunya aku datang ngan ayah, tapi kali ni aku sempat datang sorang kebetulan ari friday pulak tu. aku datang pagi sikit sebab aku nak duk lama kat kubur kau. setahu aku, hari friday ahli kubur tak diseksa, lepas tu ahli kubur akan keluar tunggu kat kubur memasing untuk sesiapa yang nak ziarah kubur dia. aku tak tau lah tapi memang perkara ni orang tahu. kau tunggu aku ok bakim. aku bawakkan kau air nanti. kubur kau cantik bakim.

dapor dia dah siap. memula mak taruk rumput tapi terus mak tukar batu jadi senang nak jaga. batu putih tu kat atas aje yang lain kayu lepas tu bawah tempat orang pijak tu ceramic. ceramic warna hijau, dapor kau kayu pastu cat warna chocolate merah. nisan kau kayu ngan kain putih pastu mak cover ngan plastic jadi kain tak cepat kotor. atas kubur kau tu batu batu kecik tu kan warna putih lepas tu tanam pokok. cantik. comel aje nampak. tetiap minggu kita siram ngan air jadi dia subur. ari tu aku datang ngan ayah, ayah nangis kat kubur kau bakim. aku sedih masa tu, aku pandang arah lain aje sebab kalau boleh aku tak nak nangis depan ayah. uishhh, sebak dia tak tahan. aku rasa ayah sedih sebab kita beli keter baru kau tak dapat rasa. kesian kau...tak apa bakim, nanti kita semua keluarga jumpa kat syurga. aku pasti satu hari nanti kita akan jumpa kat akhirat. one family reunited like before. bakim, kau tau tak class quran aku dah nak habis, skrng nak masuk module 2.

jadi aku dah boleh baca sikit sikit tapi nak kena eja lah. tak lancar masih lembab lagi cuma skrng ni aku dah kenal huruf walaupun bila character tu disambung. ada tiga talqin, fattah, kasrah sama damah. module 1 kita belajar fatah, nanti next week kita belajar kasrah pulak. tetiap minggu aku rasa semangat nak pergi class. makin aku belajar makin aku tak sabar nak bacakan kau. kan aku dah cakap aku nak khatamkan kau quran. bakim, rumah kat kampung tu mak nak buat nanti. tunggu masa aje. lambat laun pun aku rasa semua balik kampung nanti. bakim, aku salu tingatkan kau. sejak kebelakangan ni aku salu tingatkan kau. tak apalah, at least aku tau kau ada kat mana. kita tak risau dan bimbang. macam keluarga mangsa tsunami, memang sedih sangat, tak tau langsung keadaan keluarga mereka yang hilang. mayat tak jumpa, kubur pun tak ada. kesian diorang bakim. cuba bayangkan kalau hilang semua anggota keluarga sekali dalam sekelip mata cam tu. perasaan dia tak leh dibayangkan. ada satu keluarga kat malaysia, anak dia 4 orang sekali meninggal dalam accident. semua perempuan, dua tu bakal nak nikah tapi tak sempat. kesian diorang.

dalam tv nampak mak arwah lemah sampai nak diri pun tak leh. kesiannya. nak kena cekal dan kuat semangat untuk terima berita cam ni. sekali pergi sampai 4 orang semuanya. tak sempat nak ucap kata kata akhir. samalah jugak macam satu keluarga kat malaysia jugak, masa tu tsunami, 5 anak diorang meninngal sebab lemas masa tsunami. ishkk, tak tau lah bakim, memang lah dunia ni hanya sementara aje. bila bila masa kita boleh mati. sihat, muda tua, sakit tak kiralah keadaan kita camna, kalau Tuhan nak amik nyawa kita, pergilah kita. kau tau tak bakim, kekadang, aku dah macam malas nak hidup kat dunia ni sebab aku tahu satu hari kita akan mati jugak. maksud aku, aku nak bertungkus lumus dalam dunia ni untuk hidup senang pun akhirnya satu hari aku mati jugak. tapi aku tahu aku tak leh fikir cam tu, sebab kita hidup di dunia ada purpose.

purpose kita adalah untuk melengkapkan diri untuk akhirat atau mengumpul pahala untuk bekal di akhirat. duniawi kita nak, ukhrawi pun kita nak, itulah kata uztas class quran aku. jadi buatlah kita mana yang sempat untuk bekalan ke akhirat dan buatlah semampu kita untuk hidup di dunia. aku rasa hidup sederhana lagi bagus. cukuplah dengan apa yang kita ada, sikit tapi berkat dan sederhana tapi selesa. ada orang hidup mewah tapi berduka dan harta banyak tapi tak berkat. soal mak sama ayah, kau tah yah bimbang. aku ngan balim akan jaga diorang. duit savings sama insurance cukup untuk makan hari tua. dah sampai masa diorang untuk rehat. tak leh expect them to work till they die. they should have retired by now tapi diorang masih nak kerje lagi.

oklah bakim, aku pergi dulu. kau jaga diri baik baik. jangan risau, kita selalu doakan kau. nanti 26 mar ni kita jumpa ok.

dream a little dream

dear diary,

i think all these little problems i am having has taken its toll on me cos i have been dreaming about them for 3 nights in a row. it is really affecting me that much but it is not chronic yet. i am thinking of ways to solve the problem and it looks like buying the house is the only best option left. i am prepared for whatever that i might have to sacrifice and i am just going to submit myself to what is demanded of me if that will make the problem go away. i am going to benefit from it anyway in the long run so i take it as not a burden to me. i think it is time for me to do what i can to make it up to my parents for what i have cost them 6 years ago when i talked them into investing. i made them lost a substantial amount of money and i feel guilty and bad till this second. i believe god has something in store for me that is why i am face with such dilemma.

i went for my final theory test last night. i wasn't late and i was supposed to go for the theory trial practice before the test but i skipped it and went for window shopping. the test was easy but i cannot say if i would pass because there were 5 questions that i was unsure of and we are only allowed to have less than 5 mistakes to pass. if i had got only all those 5 questions wrong, that leaves me with a big chance to pass, however, if i had got more than those 5 questions wrong, i will have to retake the test. the result will be released in two weeks time and i am really looking forward to it.

i could imagine how i would feel if i were to pass the test. i will surely be satisfied with myself because i know hulk sat for the test more than 10 times before he passed and if i could pass the test at first try, i have to consider myself well versed with the driving rules and how the mechanism of a car works over here. once i pass the test i can start searching for a private driving instructor. it is not difficult to find one but it's just difficult to find one that suits your learning habits. i know of some private driving instructor who are not systematic in their teaching and approach and i also know of private driving instructor who uses cane to teach. come to think of it, it can be hilarious to have an instructor who cane you if you make a mistake while driving. it reminded me of my primary school days and it is indeed a very funny teaching technique to apply to 'old' students like myself. i think i would grab the cane from that driving instructor and cane him back if he ever cane me. *giggles*

my family will be going to malacca this coming holiday and i will stay at home with tuah. hang tuah will be my companion for the weekend and i am looking forward to spend my time with him alone. i want to get better acquainted with him and i want him to grow attached with me. i see that this is my chance to do it. i am telling you diary, i get jealous of my brother cos tuah seems to be more attached to him than with me. i think, he just doesn't like me cos i can be rough with him when i am playing with him. he always end up biting and scratching my hands when i play with him. he seems to get rough with me every minute goes by when we are playing together.

it's painful and ticklish when he bites my hand but i like it when he does that cos that means he knows how to respond. however, he's not the breed of cats who like to fight. he's breed is very decent and laid back. very soft spoken and pampered. there are stray cats outside my home who come for food once in a while. i feed them but keep them outdoors and i keep tuah indoor when they are around. there's a kitten who wants to fight with tuah and growl at him from outside the gate. tuah bent down and just looked at him without retaliating. he seems afraid and timid and i instantly felt protective towards him. that is what makes tuah so adorable. rag doll breeds are very homely type and they are not known to be violent. they are very adorable and soft and enjoy humans company. i love him so much and will be his protector till eternity.

little sister is quiet again. i don't know if i ever going to hear from her again. i scolded her in the last email and i guess she got hurt with my remarks. somehow i feel that i hit her too hard in that email. i felt sorry but i just thought i was doing the right thing cos i want to her to stay away from all those unhealthy activities. i hope she will be fine and is doing ok now and i hope she knows i said those things cos i care about her. i miss her diary, i feel a little dead without her cos she was the one whom i share everything about last time, and when she was gone for awhile, i kind of get lost a little.

russia is also very quiet nowadays. the last time i spoke to her was the time before i came to KL. that was about one month ago. we were supposed to meet but we didn't cos i was stuck at genting without transport and had to stay in the resort. i didn't call her and neither did she call me. china tried to call me many times but she couldn't get through. i never switched off my phone and it was strange for that to happen. if russia was experiencing the same thing then it could be the network. i don't know what's going on with her and i have been quiet myself. and since i am not coming there for a very long time, i might as well forget about being too close with anybody. it's a waste of time i think. the future is uncertain and i think i will like to keep it simple and moderate. i still would like to keep the frienships but at a minimal and straightforward level.

aramis has been quiet too and i am following suit. there's not much to talk about her anymore since both of us have been quiet. everybody's busy nowadays and there little time for leisure. the older we are the less time for leisure we have. it's all about working and making ends meet. vogue is quiet too. i called her a couple of times but the calls were unanswered. i used to like her and i think i have fallen in love with her but i later found out that it was only a crush. it didn't last long. i was young and full of energy then, knowing her made me feel excited because she is pretty and seductive.

i remember almost all who met her immediately fell for her the first time. i laughed at myself how i was so easily influenced by beauty without taking personality into considerations. but i am glad it was only awhile and i managed to talk some sense into myself. we remain friends till now but we have less contacts now than last time. have i ever told you about another friend whom i have cut all ties with? i feel much relieve since i do that but i do think of her sometimes. we used to be close sharing most of the things in our life. but i think it's best that we stay away from each other to save ourselves from unwanted misunderstandings again.

i think right now the person i am missing most is my late brother. situations at home makes me miss him dearly and i have always been thinking of him. i wonder what would he do if he was still alive. i wonder if he would be our saviour and i wonder if things would have been better for our family if he was still alive. i miss him so much and i cannot explain what is the feeling like. i feel helpless sometimes to bear this feeling of missing him. i keep thinking of the time he was before he got critical. i kept wondering why did he have to go when he was young and strong. i feel angry and so upset. i am angry with myself for not giving him enough attention when he needed it the most. this anger is still inside me and it is snowballing. i don't know how to let it out. i just don't...

sacrificing for a good cause

dear diary,

i feel bad towards my mother and my brother last night but i cannot help it. i came home and saw my father and my mother in the living room. i didn't see my brother so i figured that it's the best time for me to talk about the house.

i told her it is best that either my brother or i buy the house because in the long run, my parents will have to give up the house since they won't be able to pay throught their cpf anymore. cpf contributions ceased once they reached 55 and even to downgrade to a smaller house requires at least 160,000 dollars. it is really not practical for them to buy a new house under their name anymore. i have thought it over and i told her that if my brother doesn't want to buy the house, then i will buy the house. never mind about my dreams next year, never mind about what i really want, attention must be given to the financial status of my parents now and in the next 5 years to come and beyond. people at their age should be living with their children because everybody knows in singapore if the mortgage loan is not settled by the time you turn 55, then you have to keep on working till you die to live. it is like that when you are living here, work till you die if you did not have proper planning for your retirement unless you are filthy rich with money never running out of supply.

i told mum about the conversation i had with big bro and i can see that mum was a little dissapointed with what he got to say. i shouldn't have let mum know about that but sometimes, i just feel that i need to let her know the truth about serious situations like that. i knew big brother had a plan of his own and he doesn't wish to include us in the plan so that is why he refuses to buy the house. what sicken me most was, he grumpily told me he's fed up with all these sudden problems when he has already planned for his future and i can see that he's strongly against the idea of buying the house. i was appalled in silence cos i did not want to worsen the situation.

i remembered the time he wanted to study in UK. he didn't even ask my parent's financial situation and he didn't even care if they could afford to send him there but he still went on with his idea and making dad sold the house to get cash to finance his studies there. he lived a comfortable life there without having to work part time like most foreign students do. he could even afford to go backpacking all over Europe. when he came back, it took him awhile before he got a permanent job and since then he has been switching jobs. when people switch jobs, how the hell are they supposed to have a stable income? five years after he came back, he is still switching career and now, he's enrolling for a psychology course and guess what diary? without feeling any shame or indebted, he conveniently asked my parents to advance the payment for the course fees first. my parents did and i looked at them with a mixed feelings of regret, sympathy and anger. i didn't ask them about it neither did i bring up the topic until last night.

i didn't suggest to him to buy the house but i talked to him to give him an idea that he must buy the house to save the situation. he got the point but he rejected the idea because he claimed, it would delay his plan to buy a house of his own as he plans to get it when he turns 35. he kept emphasising that he doesn't want my parents to be without a home so that was why he refuses to buy over the house but in actual fact, he does not wish to have my parents living with him if he gets his own house. he was too eager to stay alone that he had overlooked all the logic and practicality for him to buy over the current house and having my parents as the occupants.

sacrifices have to be made and what we want in life may not always be accomplished. we have to be contented with what we have and appreciate His blessings. experiences and lessons from the mistakes i have made thought me to be humble and thankful for the wealth and health i have been blessed with and whatever that i do, i have to seek my parent's blessing first. if i have to buy the house, yes i would no matter if i have to delay or forget about my dreams because my parents happiness comes first and i will do whatever i can in my capacity to keep them smiling.

a time for sacrificing

dear diary,

i have been doing a lot of thinking for the past 5 days and it has been giving me quite a bit of a worry. it has not reached a stage where you can call it chronic but it is something that i am thinking about daily. it is about my family and my dreams. if i were to tell you the problem, you would have agreed with me that living in singapore is not at all cheap and easy. you need to work till you can't anymore and you will realised that even the air we breath in is not free over here.

the house we are living in currently is paid by my parents through their cpf account. cpf over here is mainly used for buying a HDB flat and for retirement purposes. we can withdraw it once we reach 55 years old and all cpf contributions will cease once we turn 55. the house mortgage is for 25 years and the house cost 320,000 dollars. about 1,400 dollars is deducted from my parent's cpf account on a monthly basis. since my dad has reached 55, he withdraws his cpf funds and that left hdb with no money to deduct from his cpf account. thus, my dad has to fork out cash to pay the cost of this house. it can be quite a burden since it is almost a thousand dollars monthly. he has enough cash to pay for the house only that he will not be able to enjoy his retirement funds at full scale. somehow i just feel that this happens because of his selfishness in the past towards my mother and probably this is a retribution from god. it's too early to say and too soon to jump into wild assumptions.

there are only my brother and myself now and we cannot totally depend on my parents to pay for the property mortgage. there are a few alternatives which we can use to solve the problem, firstly, my brother and i can share to continue paying for the house using our cpf accounts, secondly, either one of us can buy the house from my parents and thirdly my dad can sell away the house immediately to any buyer who has interest in it. the first option seems to be everybody's first choice but there are many things to consider about. if everything goes well, i am leaving by early next year and that leaves me with only a year to work to top up my cpf account.

with the current amount i have in my cpf fund and with the rough estimation i will have by end of this year, it is only enough to sustain for 3-4 years. once my cpf account is dry, then hdb may have to deduct from my brother's cpf account solely. this is nothing to worry about cos, we are going to sell the house in 5 years time anyway. but what bothers me is, how will the property market be like in 5 years time? it is hard to tell and difficult to predict. the second option proves to be a risk for us and many crucial details have to be taken into considerations. if either one of us buys the house, we may have to pay the mortgage loan alone (if there are no other co-owners) and this may resulted in our cpf fund running low very fast.

when that happens, we must come up with cash for the payments and this may be quite a burden to any one of us. it is risky but with quite a lucrative advantages. if the house is bought by either one of us, my parents will get a sum of money cash from the sale and this leave them with plenty of cash to enjoy for their retirement. this will definitely make them happy and my mum can start fulfilling her dreams of building a house on the piece of land she own in malaysia. i would want her to feel happy too and i will definitely support her wish to build a house on that land since it is of utmost importance to have a home that belong to us till our death. however, my brother is not willing to buy the house because he has his own plans and i can see that he is not willing to sacrifice his plan. i am dissapointed because we moved into this house was also because of him. my dad downgraded into this new house to send him to UK to further his studies. the saddest part about that, he didn't think of my parent's financial status before deciding to further his studies in UK. i am not surprise that he is not willing to sacrifice his dreams.

frankly, i have begun to see his true colours and how much he cares for the family when my second brother was critically ill. it was so obvious but my parents did not comment anything about it. i let it rest. i wish i could buy the house but i still want to move out of singapore by end of this year and if i were to buy the house, it looks like i have to postpone my plan of moving there again. i have postpone it once last year when my brother passed away and if i have to postpone it this year again, it will be a long time till i am able to come and live there because hdb rules only allow buyers to sell the flats after at least two to five years of staying there.

i don't mind sacrificing my dream again if that's what makes my parents happy. all i wanted to do is to be successful there but at the same time, i cannot leave my parents in distress to pursue my dreams. that would be very selfish of me. if i could give mum the chance to fulfil her dreams to build a house there, why not, even at my own expense. the third choice would be the most ideal plan, but the property market right now here is terribly bad and not booming at all. it had its booming period but the period is over now and i don't know when will it be booming again. many owners are selling their property at below valuation price and there are hardly anyone who call and enquire about the house let alone view it. sometimes, it takes until a year or two to be able to sell a house and it is really bad till the extent many people change their mind because they get sick of waiting and hoping.

deep down inside i know my heart doesn't belong here but if i have to stay and if my stay will make my parents out of worry and distress, then i would do it. i just want to make them happy and taste their hard earned money while they can. i sympathise with my parents but sometimes i am also angry with them. it seems that whatever my brother does is not wrong. it seems that he is always the perfect son or the thoughtful son. i just let them be. all i can say is, only after our family is hit by the most difficult challenge, only then we will know who can we depend on.

for now, it is too early to tell. i don't have any grudges against him but i am hurt sometimes with how my parents especially my mum on how she prioritises my brother more than myself. it's not jealousy but it's just hurtful and annoying especially when it's coming from your mum. i didn't really give a damn and i usually mind my own business but i know what's going on by reading between the lines. i hope to settle this problem my family is facing with soon. hopefully we all will come to a unanimous conclusion and reach to a practical solution with none of us have to sacrifice our big dreams and goals.

hustle and bustle of life

dear diary,

my weekend was hectic and tiring. i have always felt sleepy and tired nowadays but i cannot help it. i didn't go skating last weekend but i still ended up going to bed late. i went to JB on saturday night with my brother and cousins. we went there for supper and to top up petrol. it was fun cos pizza brought along battery and she was adorable. iszy came too and that made 5 adults and 1 baby. we went supper at the usual place and we talked about cars and how each one of them got their license.

hearing them talked about the process they wwent through was hilarious and it made me even more eager to have a license of my own. i have yet to apply for PDL but i think i am going to wait first cos i am still attending final theory practice classes and the test date is on 8th of march. i am lacking confidence that i can pass my final theory at the first try cos i have to admit i am studying less for my final than for my basic theory. however, i am hoping that i will pass my final theory test at the first try cos time is running out or perhaps i just can't wait to have my license since we have already bought a car. well, i guess i still have to wait till end of the year before i am able to drive the new car. i think we spent most of the time talking about cars and license than anything else. we left the place at 3 in the morning.

i woke up at 8 the next day and accompanied my dad to the cemetery. i didn't want to go cos i was so tired and sleepy but it's been about a week since i last visited my brother at the cemetery. after that we went to the car sales office to pass the relevant documents to make our purchase. it was hectic and tiring. i still got to do my laundry and clean the house on sunday. oh yes, i forgot to tell you, hang tuah went for his sterilisation on saturday morning and we went to fetch him in the evening. he was still groggy when we brought him home. he walked sideways at times, collapsing like a drunkard cat. we can't bath him until a week later under doctor's advise. he stinks but he always remains adorable. i love him so much and i want to take care of him till he is old.

diary, i feel that i have a lot to write but time is not on my side so i will write again when i have the time. until the next blog, you take care and have lots of fun but be safe ok?