dream a little dream

dear diary,

i think all these little problems i am having has taken its toll on me cos i have been dreaming about them for 3 nights in a row. it is really affecting me that much but it is not chronic yet. i am thinking of ways to solve the problem and it looks like buying the house is the only best option left. i am prepared for whatever that i might have to sacrifice and i am just going to submit myself to what is demanded of me if that will make the problem go away. i am going to benefit from it anyway in the long run so i take it as not a burden to me. i think it is time for me to do what i can to make it up to my parents for what i have cost them 6 years ago when i talked them into investing. i made them lost a substantial amount of money and i feel guilty and bad till this second. i believe god has something in store for me that is why i am face with such dilemma.

i went for my final theory test last night. i wasn't late and i was supposed to go for the theory trial practice before the test but i skipped it and went for window shopping. the test was easy but i cannot say if i would pass because there were 5 questions that i was unsure of and we are only allowed to have less than 5 mistakes to pass. if i had got only all those 5 questions wrong, that leaves me with a big chance to pass, however, if i had got more than those 5 questions wrong, i will have to retake the test. the result will be released in two weeks time and i am really looking forward to it.

i could imagine how i would feel if i were to pass the test. i will surely be satisfied with myself because i know hulk sat for the test more than 10 times before he passed and if i could pass the test at first try, i have to consider myself well versed with the driving rules and how the mechanism of a car works over here. once i pass the test i can start searching for a private driving instructor. it is not difficult to find one but it's just difficult to find one that suits your learning habits. i know of some private driving instructor who are not systematic in their teaching and approach and i also know of private driving instructor who uses cane to teach. come to think of it, it can be hilarious to have an instructor who cane you if you make a mistake while driving. it reminded me of my primary school days and it is indeed a very funny teaching technique to apply to 'old' students like myself. i think i would grab the cane from that driving instructor and cane him back if he ever cane me. *giggles*

my family will be going to malacca this coming holiday and i will stay at home with tuah. hang tuah will be my companion for the weekend and i am looking forward to spend my time with him alone. i want to get better acquainted with him and i want him to grow attached with me. i see that this is my chance to do it. i am telling you diary, i get jealous of my brother cos tuah seems to be more attached to him than with me. i think, he just doesn't like me cos i can be rough with him when i am playing with him. he always end up biting and scratching my hands when i play with him. he seems to get rough with me every minute goes by when we are playing together.

it's painful and ticklish when he bites my hand but i like it when he does that cos that means he knows how to respond. however, he's not the breed of cats who like to fight. he's breed is very decent and laid back. very soft spoken and pampered. there are stray cats outside my home who come for food once in a while. i feed them but keep them outdoors and i keep tuah indoor when they are around. there's a kitten who wants to fight with tuah and growl at him from outside the gate. tuah bent down and just looked at him without retaliating. he seems afraid and timid and i instantly felt protective towards him. that is what makes tuah so adorable. rag doll breeds are very homely type and they are not known to be violent. they are very adorable and soft and enjoy humans company. i love him so much and will be his protector till eternity.

little sister is quiet again. i don't know if i ever going to hear from her again. i scolded her in the last email and i guess she got hurt with my remarks. somehow i feel that i hit her too hard in that email. i felt sorry but i just thought i was doing the right thing cos i want to her to stay away from all those unhealthy activities. i hope she will be fine and is doing ok now and i hope she knows i said those things cos i care about her. i miss her diary, i feel a little dead without her cos she was the one whom i share everything about last time, and when she was gone for awhile, i kind of get lost a little.

russia is also very quiet nowadays. the last time i spoke to her was the time before i came to KL. that was about one month ago. we were supposed to meet but we didn't cos i was stuck at genting without transport and had to stay in the resort. i didn't call her and neither did she call me. china tried to call me many times but she couldn't get through. i never switched off my phone and it was strange for that to happen. if russia was experiencing the same thing then it could be the network. i don't know what's going on with her and i have been quiet myself. and since i am not coming there for a very long time, i might as well forget about being too close with anybody. it's a waste of time i think. the future is uncertain and i think i will like to keep it simple and moderate. i still would like to keep the frienships but at a minimal and straightforward level.

aramis has been quiet too and i am following suit. there's not much to talk about her anymore since both of us have been quiet. everybody's busy nowadays and there little time for leisure. the older we are the less time for leisure we have. it's all about working and making ends meet. vogue is quiet too. i called her a couple of times but the calls were unanswered. i used to like her and i think i have fallen in love with her but i later found out that it was only a crush. it didn't last long. i was young and full of energy then, knowing her made me feel excited because she is pretty and seductive.

i remember almost all who met her immediately fell for her the first time. i laughed at myself how i was so easily influenced by beauty without taking personality into considerations. but i am glad it was only awhile and i managed to talk some sense into myself. we remain friends till now but we have less contacts now than last time. have i ever told you about another friend whom i have cut all ties with? i feel much relieve since i do that but i do think of her sometimes. we used to be close sharing most of the things in our life. but i think it's best that we stay away from each other to save ourselves from unwanted misunderstandings again.

i think right now the person i am missing most is my late brother. situations at home makes me miss him dearly and i have always been thinking of him. i wonder what would he do if he was still alive. i wonder if he would be our saviour and i wonder if things would have been better for our family if he was still alive. i miss him so much and i cannot explain what is the feeling like. i feel helpless sometimes to bear this feeling of missing him. i keep thinking of the time he was before he got critical. i kept wondering why did he have to go when he was young and strong. i feel angry and so upset. i am angry with myself for not giving him enough attention when he needed it the most. this anger is still inside me and it is snowballing. i don't know how to let it out. i just don't...