dear diary,
i have been doing a lot of thinking for the past 5 days and it has been giving me quite a bit of a worry. it has not reached a stage where you can call it chronic but it is something that i am thinking about daily. it is about my family and my dreams. if i were to tell you the problem, you would have agreed with me that living in singapore is not at all cheap and easy. you need to work till you can't anymore and you will realised that even the air we breath in is not free over here.
the house we are living in currently is paid by my parents through their cpf account. cpf over here is mainly used for buying a HDB flat and for retirement purposes. we can withdraw it once we reach 55 years old and all cpf contributions will cease once we turn 55. the house mortgage is for 25 years and the house cost 320,000 dollars. about 1,400 dollars is deducted from my parent's cpf account on a monthly basis. since my dad has reached 55, he withdraws his cpf funds and that left hdb with no money to deduct from his cpf account. thus, my dad has to fork out cash to pay the cost of this house. it can be quite a burden since it is almost a thousand dollars monthly. he has enough cash to pay for the house only that he will not be able to enjoy his retirement funds at full scale. somehow i just feel that this happens because of his selfishness in the past towards my mother and probably this is a retribution from god. it's too early to say and too soon to jump into wild assumptions.
there are only my brother and myself now and we cannot totally depend on my parents to pay for the property mortgage. there are a few alternatives which we can use to solve the problem, firstly, my brother and i can share to continue paying for the house using our cpf accounts, secondly, either one of us can buy the house from my parents and thirdly my dad can sell away the house immediately to any buyer who has interest in it. the first option seems to be everybody's first choice but there are many things to consider about. if everything goes well, i am leaving by early next year and that leaves me with only a year to work to top up my cpf account.
with the current amount i have in my cpf fund and with the rough estimation i will have by end of this year, it is only enough to sustain for 3-4 years. once my cpf account is dry, then hdb may have to deduct from my brother's cpf account solely. this is nothing to worry about cos, we are going to sell the house in 5 years time anyway. but what bothers me is, how will the property market be like in 5 years time? it is hard to tell and difficult to predict. the second option proves to be a risk for us and many crucial details have to be taken into considerations. if either one of us buys the house, we may have to pay the mortgage loan alone (if there are no other co-owners) and this may resulted in our cpf fund running low very fast.
when that happens, we must come up with cash for the payments and this may be quite a burden to any one of us. it is risky but with quite a lucrative advantages. if the house is bought by either one of us, my parents will get a sum of money cash from the sale and this leave them with plenty of cash to enjoy for their retirement. this will definitely make them happy and my mum can start fulfilling her dreams of building a house on the piece of land she own in malaysia. i would want her to feel happy too and i will definitely support her wish to build a house on that land since it is of utmost importance to have a home that belong to us till our death. however, my brother is not willing to buy the house because he has his own plans and i can see that he is not willing to sacrifice his plan. i am dissapointed because we moved into this house was also because of him. my dad downgraded into this new house to send him to UK to further his studies. the saddest part about that, he didn't think of my parent's financial status before deciding to further his studies in UK. i am not surprise that he is not willing to sacrifice his dreams.
frankly, i have begun to see his true colours and how much he cares for the family when my second brother was critically ill. it was so obvious but my parents did not comment anything about it. i let it rest. i wish i could buy the house but i still want to move out of singapore by end of this year and if i were to buy the house, it looks like i have to postpone my plan of moving there again. i have postpone it once last year when my brother passed away and if i have to postpone it this year again, it will be a long time till i am able to come and live there because hdb rules only allow buyers to sell the flats after at least two to five years of staying there.
i don't mind sacrificing my dream again if that's what makes my parents happy. all i wanted to do is to be successful there but at the same time, i cannot leave my parents in distress to pursue my dreams. that would be very selfish of me. if i could give mum the chance to fulfil her dreams to build a house there, why not, even at my own expense. the third choice would be the most ideal plan, but the property market right now here is terribly bad and not booming at all. it had its booming period but the period is over now and i don't know when will it be booming again. many owners are selling their property at below valuation price and there are hardly anyone who call and enquire about the house let alone view it. sometimes, it takes until a year or two to be able to sell a house and it is really bad till the extent many people change their mind because they get sick of waiting and hoping.
deep down inside i know my heart doesn't belong here but if i have to stay and if my stay will make my parents out of worry and distress, then i would do it. i just want to make them happy and taste their hard earned money while they can. i sympathise with my parents but sometimes i am also angry with them. it seems that whatever my brother does is not wrong. it seems that he is always the perfect son or the thoughtful son. i just let them be. all i can say is, only after our family is hit by the most difficult challenge, only then we will know who can we depend on.
for now, it is too early to tell. i don't have any grudges against him but i am hurt sometimes with how my parents especially my mum on how she prioritises my brother more than myself. it's not jealousy but it's just hurtful and annoying especially when it's coming from your mum. i didn't really give a damn and i usually mind my own business but i know what's going on by reading between the lines. i hope to settle this problem my family is facing with soon. hopefully we all will come to a unanimous conclusion and reach to a practical solution with none of us have to sacrifice our big dreams and goals.
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