dear diary,
i now know why they always say expect the least expected. yesterday i received an email from someone i never thought i would hear from anymore. it just didn't occur to me that i would be hearing from her even if it is just a short note. i didn't know what was i feeling when i got her email but it was good to hear from her even if the content does not carry any genuine friendliness but it was good to hear from her and know that she is fine. i chose not to reply her back. i am afraid that i might say the wrong things again and create another misunderstanding (maybe i already have), you know how i can get with my vocal ability don't you? looking back, we have gone a long way.
only twice we met but those two moments were enjoyable. i never wanted to meet her initially cos i usually stay away from fellow lesbians from singapore for security purposes but i didn't know why it was an exception with her. probably because i knew she's not singaporean by nationality and so i figured she wouldn't have many or any relatives residing here, so therefore i gave it a go and it proved worthwhile. i wrote about her in my thoughts you know. she was fine and nice and generous and the only disadvantage i had is i was broke. hahaha, the first time i met her, i only had 20 cents in my pocket and the second time i met her, i just had enough for dinner.
hey come on, i was a student depending on pocket money from my parents, you cannot expect much from a student you know. hahaha, ohh geess excuses and reasons...if Donald Trump were to hear that i would have been fired! haha...i cannot deny that i do not think of her but i guess that happens to everybody doesn't it? how can we forget someone who has got a place in our diary? even when you don't talk anymore you can't erase them and the memories you have with them will be stored in a special place in your heart waiting for time to be reminisced and all you can do is smile at those sweet memories that cannot be repeated but good enough to be replayed.
looking back at all the girls that have left footprints in my heart, i began to realise that love is only beautiful in the beginning. after awhile, it will lose it juice and people will lose steam. it takes great effort to keep it going and alive. you have to know that you need love and not just want it. traveller, mama, kiddo, dancing queen, pontianak, sweetcorn, ash, russia, taj mahal, chicken pie, princess, mee goreng, aramis, lecturer, alia and flying waitress, i love all of them and i still think of them deep down in my heart but i know some people are better left alone even though how much i am missing them or how sorry i am for what happened and regardless how much i want things to be back as before. sometimes i feel like a fool, hoping and waiting for something that has no certainty.
when you get older, you will get tired of it eventually, the excitement is not there anymore probably because you have grown out of it and there are more important things to decide than to go on building castles in the air. you began too see the reality of life and small petty issues do not intimidate you anymore. things that may excite you 5 years ago may not do the same thing to you now because you already knew what will be in store for you if you were to response to such feelings. you tend to be laid back about things and take one day at a time paying more attention to the things you deem are more worthy of your attentions. you began to realise that you cannot stop people from having negative impressions on you and you cannot stop people from talking about you. you just can't so you let them think and you let them talk. never mind what they are about, in the end, only you and yourself that matters. some people are meant to be your friends for life while some are only meant to be acquaintances. they only appear in your life for a short period of time and the rest is history. people come and people go, people live and people die, that is what life is all about. you just have to get on with life and get over it.
chicken pie text me last night, she seemed distress and restless. it was about her x-gf and i told her to worry about things only when it's worth it. she needed someone to divert her attention from her x-gf. i didn't know what's the problem with them but i don't see any reasons why she has to be distress when she was the one who asked for the break up. she shouldn't feel that way and if she needs someone to divert her attention from her x-gf, then i am sorry cos i am not volunteering. for crying out loud, i am not going to be the person someone will talk to just because she is on a rebound. experience tells me that when your relationship is on the verge of breaking up and when you happen to find someone at that point of time along the way, you will always find she is nice, and always listen to you when she is not.
you think like that because you feel that ur gf is mistreating you and your soul is in need of attentions and care, never mind how you are going to get it. and when that someone comes along and when your heart seems to accept her the way she is, regardless if she is taking advantage of the situation or not, she will always be accused of breaking up the relationship you have with your gf at a later point. it's so annoying and bloody unfair.
diary, i have passed my final theory test and i was so excited. the result came on sunday and it was only less than a week. i told hulk about it and i laughed at him for having to pass it at 11th attempt when it only took me first attempt to pass. he was pissed with me and i went on teasing him. that's how i am with my buddies, hippos, hulk, melissa, voice and curly fries would not have mind about my attitude, that is why i have always prefer to stick to my old good friends because they always know me best and will not let small things like that ruined our frienships. i only need to go through the final stage which is the practical test. i have to start looking for a private driving instructor already and definitely set aside some budget for the practical course fees. i didn't really think i could pass my final theory cos it seemed difficult than the basic one but according to my estimation there were about 5 questions that i was unsure of.
i guess my estimation was right that was why i passed. i hope to pass my practical test at the first try too so that i will be able to have my license before aidilfitri this year and hopefully before i leave this place for good. mum said she will buy me a car if i get a place there but i don't think i will want her to do that. don't think i need a car there anyway, i would rather keep that money for my school fees.
i followed my parents to a wedding yesterday and it was a sad affair. i didn't want to go in the first place cos i knew it will only reminded me of my late brother. my parents insisted for me to come so i went reluctantly. i do not know the bride but i know her family. her brother was a friend of my late brother and they came to our house a few days after the funeral. it was an act of goodwill which my mum will always remember. it happened that my brother was his wedding planner and became better acquainted with his family. his family felt sorry for our loss and did their best to comfort us. i guess mum feel indebted towards their effort and was adamant about going.
i didn't want to go not because i was proud but i didn't want to go cos i knew somehow somewhere one of us will cry and i was right. mum cried when she held the bride's mother's hand and i immediately looked away. damn!! i hate this feeling. i hate it diary...i don't want it anymore. i don't want them to cry anymore and i don't want to cry anymore. i still think of him before i go to bed and it will only makes me even more sad. i tried to think of other things but i failed. things will be better soon i know.
my time is up diary, i have to go and i will talk to you again when time permits. please take care. bye for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment