so many stories so little time

dear diary,

i don't know how to begin but somehow i am ashame of myself. i told you about my brother attitude with the house issues but last night changed everything. coincidentally he called and asked me to meet him at north point. he bought a desktop and needed my help to carry it to the car. i met him and was browsing the lap tops available there when he asked am i not getting a lap top since i am going abroad to study soon. i told him i might not need one cos i will be taking over the house. he seemed puzzled and asked me why. i told him everything and he began to see the clear picture. he seemed to be deep in thoughts while driving and i figured that he was thinking about it thoroughly. he told me that he will buy the house and will stay with my parents. we have discussed it with my parents and i will be the co owner of the house. everyone has agreed unanimously and i am so glad that my brother has come into his senses. all i can say now, here i come kuala lumpur.

hang tuah is becoming very naughty and mischievious after his sterilisation. last night while i was praying, he came into the prayer's room and sat on my feet. i was hoping he would get up before i did my 'sujud' but he did not instead he got too comfortable and rested his head on my feet. when i was about to do my 'sujud', i had to open my leg wide to provide him with room. he bit my leg at that time and it was so ticklish. that whole thing was repeated twice and i just couldn't scold him cos he is simply adorable. even mum has noticed the change in him, he is becoming more naughty, active, mischievious but always will be adorable. he messed up the house yesterday morning. the flower pots and lamp were all over the house and the leaves were scattered everywhere.

mum told me, she saw tuah ran into the lamp, knocked it down and climbed on top of it and bit the leg of he lamp. he then walked into the mini garden and played with the leaves and flowers. he got so engrossed in it that even when mum told him not to play with it anymore, he ignored mum's advice and kept on playing. he is very big now and almost reaching 5kg. for a 6 months old cat, to be 5 kg is extraordinary. it is understood that rag dolls can grow very big almost the size of a dog. during the competition in january, i saw mostly rag dolls and they were so big. i cannot wait for tuah to be that big, he will surely get a lot of attention when there are visitors to our house.

he's a handsome cat and very muscular, very charming and charismatic. he has blue eyes and sharp nose. he has begun to know his name and everytime i call him, he would turn to look at me with his handsome manly face. i think he takes after my look and personality. very cute and cool. *giggles* he loves to bite my hand when i play with him. he would drop himself to the floor with his feets and hands up in the air and i will rub his tummy and he would bite my hand. he only bites my hand but he does not do that to strangers. he's a very disciplined and well behave cat. i love him so much.

taj mahal has been sick lately. she fainted twice and she was admitted to the hospital and was put under observation. she told me it was fever but it turned out that she had viral infection. i don't know what the hell is viral infection but it sounded serious. i don't know how is her condition now and where is she. i text her this morning but she has not replied me yet. i am not sure if she is in the hospital or home and i don't know what's the progress after the blood test. i hope she is fine and is not in danger. she complaint that her ear hurt so much and she went to the clinic to get some droplets of medicine into her ear and it cost RM170. it's so bloody expensive for a student. i wonder how is she doing right now. haven't heard from her for more than 8 hours now. wherever she is, i hope she is going to be fine and recovering soon.

chicken pie has been quiet too. she sent me offline messages through YM 3 days ago. she told me things between us have changed and she misses chatting with me and sharing life stories with me. i miss doing those stuffs with her too but i am just so busy nowadays. with studies, driving school, quran class, skating, work and family, i hardly have time for chatting online. chicken pie has been good to me and i enjoy her companion. she was here 2 weekends ago and we planned to meet but we didn't cos there were so many uncertainties with her plans.

she was staying at her friend's place and it's difficult to move around. it's far from my place anyway. one thing about chicken pie that makes me feel uncomfortable about her is, she's kind of westernised. not that extreme but at a level where it can make me turn off. she buys gifts for christmas, go for christmas dinners, celebrates valentines, drinks and go clubbing too often. probably she socialises with people her kind and it's just the lifestyle she carries. when i met her, i didn't think she would be like that but the more conversations i had with her the more it enforces my opinions about her being socialise with people like that. they say birds of a feather flock together. i may be able to socialise with her but i am not sure if i can get along with her friends. i am an extrovert and reserved. i don't like to go out in big groups and i hate to be with someone who will attract lots of attentions.

it's hard for me to get comfortable with people and i am very selective about whom i want to make my friends. when i study myself, i see why people say i am proud and anti-social. i stay away from people i don't feel comfortable with and i only talk to them when it's necessary. i keep to myself and only go out with whom i feel comfortable. it's hard to describe myself because i may behave differently with people. i do not have fix characters. the only thing i can confidently confirm about myself is i am reserved and only when i feel comfortable and safe with someone, then i will consider her as my friend, otherwise she will just be an acquaintance. i like doing my own thing and most of the time i do it alone.

diary, i have to tell my late brother something, let me write to him ok.

assalamualaikum bakim, apa khabar? kau ok ke? aku cam biasa aje kat sini. mak, ayah, balim semuanya sihat. ayat aku tak tau sebab kau pun tahu kenapa kan? dia senyapkan diri jadi aku pun malas nak tanya khabar dia. biasalah dia tu, dalam kesusahan aje baru carik kita. aku dah menyampah ngan dia. balim makin naik badan dia. perut dia tu dah cam orang mengandung 7 bulan. entah apa dia makan pun aku tak tau. teruk sangat lah badan dia naik. dulu masa dia sibuk pergi gym, ada six packs, lepas mandi dia pakai tuala show off ngan kita six packs dia tu, skrnng lepas mandi terus pakai baju dalam toilet hahaha. aku pulak makin kurus. ramai yang cakap cam tu. ari raya cina ari tu aku gi kl jumpa kawan kawan aku. diorang cakap semua aku makin kurus. entah, diorang cakap muka aku cengkung.

aku rasa memang aku makin kurus tapi tak adalah sampai muka cengkung. biasa aje pada aku. aku skrng ni makin active main skate. almost every week aku main. selalunya aku main sorang aje tapi kalau ada team atau balim ke aku gi lah ngan diorang. iszy pun dah beli skate tapi sampai skrng tak belajar belajar main. aku malas nak cakap. setakat semangat dua minit aje apa gunanya kalau beli skate mahal mahal. pemalas nak mampos. asyik penat lah, keje banyak lah, itulah inilah, alahhh kalau diri sendiri yang nak main, penat ke apa ke, mesti boleh punya. aku dulu masa memula main makan 5 jam terus dah leh main. nak kena ada passion, nak kena ada discipline. aku tak paham lah dia tu. aku dah cakap ngan dia, kalau nak belajar panggil aje aku, aku boleh ajar tapi asyik aku aje yang tepon dia suh main, kalau dia sendiri yang nak main tak ada. lama lama aku pun malas lah.

sendiri dah beli, sendiri pandai lah bagikan masa. 26 mar ni ada saturday night skate kat yishun. aku nak pergi tapi bila teringat balik, balim tak ada sebab dia mak sama ayah gi malaka, iszy pulak gi tioman. aku sorang aje. aku tak kenal lah diorang tu yang pergi. tapi aku nanti nak tanya kawan aku dari kl dia nak tidur rumah ke tak kalau nak boleh suh dia bawak sekali skate dia sebab dia pun skate. boleh ajak dia pergi night skating tu. kali ni diorang pergi dari yishun MRT ikut park connector dalam 10km. aku rasa nak pergi lah. kalau aku sorang pun aku nak pergi lah. boleh buat kawan kat situ. at least kalau aku kenal lain orang yang tinggal yishun jugak best boleh buat skating buddies. nak harapkan si balim sama iszy tu sudahlah, sampai ke tua agaknya.

bakim, kau tau kan kita dah beli keter baru. balim yang pilih, mak sama ayah pun suka. mazda 2 auto 1.5 liter. colour merah. aku salu nampak keter tu sebab kat novena square ada display keter tu sebab ada lucky draw. sama colour merah jugak. keter dia tinggi pas tu besar jugak. kusi dalam dia boleh lipat jadi belakang tu macam van. mak kata, nanti keter tu dah dapat, nak ajak tuah jenjalan gi pasir ris. aku kalau cakap pasal tuah ni aku menggeram lah. cam nak gigit aje bontot dia. aku geram sekali ngan dia! dia tu bau bacin kau tau tak? mulut dia bau busuk. tapi semua orang sayang dia. kalau kau masih ada mesti kau dah cium dia. dia manja baik lembut. tak nakal.

ayah kata nak lepaskan dia dalam keter. biar dia panjat tingkap tapi tingkap semua tutup lah takut dia lompat keluar. ayah deposit 10k keter tu jadi kalau dah pakai 5 tahun terus leh jual balik. memula balim nak beli hyundai getz, tapi ayah tak kasi sebab keter korea ni murah memang murah tapi tak tahan lama. kalau nak pakai lama biar keter 100 peratus jepun. hahahah entah ah aku tak tau tapi pak andak cakap cam tu. mungkin dia lebih tahu sebab dia dah lama drive.

tapi aku rasa keter jepun memang lah bagus sebab jepun terkenal dengan technology dia. kau tau kan mimi pun pakai mazda 3. dia pun memang cakap mazda memang ada quality punya kereta sebab tu lah mahal. entahlah aku ni skrng tengah amik lesen, kalau pass, masa tu aku tak lagi duduk sini, mungkin aku dah duk kl. beli aje kancil hehehehe atau pun tak yah ada keter. duit tu simpan untuk sekolah. kalau duk hostel ada transport gi sekolah. tak yah ada keter. aku tengah sibuk kumpul duit, kalau boleh tak nak harapkan mak sama ayah bulat bulat.

selagi aku mampu aku tanggung sendiri. eh bakim, kau tau rumah tu nanti balim nak beli. ayah jual pada dia. cpf ayah dah kuar kan jadi skrng rumah kena bayar cash tetiap bulan. jadi cara yang paling baik, salah satu antara kita kena beli rumah tu jadi potong dari cpf kita aje. memula balim tak nak beli sebab dia nak beli rumah dia sendiri. mungkin dia nak tinggal sorang nanti. masa tu aku rasa dia belum paham sangat procedures beli rumah. dia kalau boleh tak nak mak sama ayah tak ada rumah tapi dia tak fikirkan camna mak sama ayah nak bayar rumah tu nanti kalau cpf pun dah tak ada. aku terangkan dia perkara sebenar kasi dia paham baru lah dia nak beli rumah tu.

jadi sekarang ni, kita nak kena pergi HDB jumpa consultant dia, seek advice and then think throughly about it all then sign the agreements. kalau balim jadi owner, aku mak sama ayah jadi co owners jadi bulan bulan potong dari cpf aku jugak. cam tu lah plan kita. after 5 years we sell the house and then terus semua sekali balik segamat. mak dalam process nak buat rumah kat tanah tu. itulah harta pusaka keluarga kita. nak buat harta turun temurun keluarga kita. tapi masalahnya skrng, aku tak rasa aku akan kawin, balim pun aku tengok cam tak da plan nak kawin. entahlah bakim. mungkin keluarga kita ni nanti tak ada keturunan. hati aku ni masih camni lagi. aku tak ada cita cita nak dirikan rumahtangga. nampak gaya balim pun sama. dia sibuk ngan career dia aje sama studies dia. kalau ayat pun, entahlah, he doesn't grow up with us, tak mesra lah. aku mungkin ada keluarga sendiri, tapi aku akan ambil anak yatim piatu aku nak buat anak angkat. paling sikit pun 2, paling banyak pun 4. tengoklah camna nanti, kalau ada rezeki insyaAllah aku buat. skrng ni aku nak sambung belajar aje dulu.

bakim, wheelchair kau cik melah pinjam untuk adik dia pakai. entah adik dia sakit tak leh jalan agaknya atau lemah nak jalan. mak pinjamkan dulu kalau dah tak nak pakai barulah kasi balik. kau punya walker tu pun cik som yang pinjam sebab kaki dia sakit. barang barang kau ramai yang pinjam. semuanya ada berkat. kau dapat pahala. bakim, nanti 26 mar ni singapore holiday. ada good friday, jadi aku ingat aku nak pergi jumpa kau. orang kata hari paling baik kalau nak ziarah kubur adalah hari friday. aku dah lama nak pergi kubur kau hari friday sorang. hari tu aku datang ngan kawan aku russia ari friday jugak. tapi kalau boleh aku nak datang sorang, aku nak duduk kat kubur kau sorang. ari friday tu nanti aku datang ok. mak, ayah sama balim gi melaka. aku bacakan kau yassin sama tahlil. dah lama aku nak buat cam ni. selalunya aku datang ngan ayah, tapi kali ni aku sempat datang sorang kebetulan ari friday pulak tu. aku datang pagi sikit sebab aku nak duk lama kat kubur kau. setahu aku, hari friday ahli kubur tak diseksa, lepas tu ahli kubur akan keluar tunggu kat kubur memasing untuk sesiapa yang nak ziarah kubur dia. aku tak tau lah tapi memang perkara ni orang tahu. kau tunggu aku ok bakim. aku bawakkan kau air nanti. kubur kau cantik bakim.

dapor dia dah siap. memula mak taruk rumput tapi terus mak tukar batu jadi senang nak jaga. batu putih tu kat atas aje yang lain kayu lepas tu bawah tempat orang pijak tu ceramic. ceramic warna hijau, dapor kau kayu pastu cat warna chocolate merah. nisan kau kayu ngan kain putih pastu mak cover ngan plastic jadi kain tak cepat kotor. atas kubur kau tu batu batu kecik tu kan warna putih lepas tu tanam pokok. cantik. comel aje nampak. tetiap minggu kita siram ngan air jadi dia subur. ari tu aku datang ngan ayah, ayah nangis kat kubur kau bakim. aku sedih masa tu, aku pandang arah lain aje sebab kalau boleh aku tak nak nangis depan ayah. uishhh, sebak dia tak tahan. aku rasa ayah sedih sebab kita beli keter baru kau tak dapat rasa. kesian kau...tak apa bakim, nanti kita semua keluarga jumpa kat syurga. aku pasti satu hari nanti kita akan jumpa kat akhirat. one family reunited like before. bakim, kau tau tak class quran aku dah nak habis, skrng nak masuk module 2.

jadi aku dah boleh baca sikit sikit tapi nak kena eja lah. tak lancar masih lembab lagi cuma skrng ni aku dah kenal huruf walaupun bila character tu disambung. ada tiga talqin, fattah, kasrah sama damah. module 1 kita belajar fatah, nanti next week kita belajar kasrah pulak. tetiap minggu aku rasa semangat nak pergi class. makin aku belajar makin aku tak sabar nak bacakan kau. kan aku dah cakap aku nak khatamkan kau quran. bakim, rumah kat kampung tu mak nak buat nanti. tunggu masa aje. lambat laun pun aku rasa semua balik kampung nanti. bakim, aku salu tingatkan kau. sejak kebelakangan ni aku salu tingatkan kau. tak apalah, at least aku tau kau ada kat mana. kita tak risau dan bimbang. macam keluarga mangsa tsunami, memang sedih sangat, tak tau langsung keadaan keluarga mereka yang hilang. mayat tak jumpa, kubur pun tak ada. kesian diorang bakim. cuba bayangkan kalau hilang semua anggota keluarga sekali dalam sekelip mata cam tu. perasaan dia tak leh dibayangkan. ada satu keluarga kat malaysia, anak dia 4 orang sekali meninggal dalam accident. semua perempuan, dua tu bakal nak nikah tapi tak sempat. kesian diorang.

dalam tv nampak mak arwah lemah sampai nak diri pun tak leh. kesiannya. nak kena cekal dan kuat semangat untuk terima berita cam ni. sekali pergi sampai 4 orang semuanya. tak sempat nak ucap kata kata akhir. samalah jugak macam satu keluarga kat malaysia jugak, masa tu tsunami, 5 anak diorang meninngal sebab lemas masa tsunami. ishkk, tak tau lah bakim, memang lah dunia ni hanya sementara aje. bila bila masa kita boleh mati. sihat, muda tua, sakit tak kiralah keadaan kita camna, kalau Tuhan nak amik nyawa kita, pergilah kita. kau tau tak bakim, kekadang, aku dah macam malas nak hidup kat dunia ni sebab aku tahu satu hari kita akan mati jugak. maksud aku, aku nak bertungkus lumus dalam dunia ni untuk hidup senang pun akhirnya satu hari aku mati jugak. tapi aku tahu aku tak leh fikir cam tu, sebab kita hidup di dunia ada purpose.

purpose kita adalah untuk melengkapkan diri untuk akhirat atau mengumpul pahala untuk bekal di akhirat. duniawi kita nak, ukhrawi pun kita nak, itulah kata uztas class quran aku. jadi buatlah kita mana yang sempat untuk bekalan ke akhirat dan buatlah semampu kita untuk hidup di dunia. aku rasa hidup sederhana lagi bagus. cukuplah dengan apa yang kita ada, sikit tapi berkat dan sederhana tapi selesa. ada orang hidup mewah tapi berduka dan harta banyak tapi tak berkat. soal mak sama ayah, kau tah yah bimbang. aku ngan balim akan jaga diorang. duit savings sama insurance cukup untuk makan hari tua. dah sampai masa diorang untuk rehat. tak leh expect them to work till they die. they should have retired by now tapi diorang masih nak kerje lagi.

oklah bakim, aku pergi dulu. kau jaga diri baik baik. jangan risau, kita selalu doakan kau. nanti 26 mar ni kita jumpa ok.