bring back the joy

dear diary,

i am not so sure if i am coming down with fever again. the headache is gone but my body feels warm now and i can feel that my head is slightly pounding. my eyeballs are warm. i might have to take some panadols later on and drink some fresh orange juice. i think my body lacks a lot of Vitamin C and water. i have came down with fever for a few times this month and each fever lasted for 3 days. they are not serious but it's happening too often. i might have to go for a check up soon if it gets too often like this. dengue fever is on the rise here and there are fatal cases near to my residence.

i called a private instructor last night and made some enquiries. i have to get my Provisional Driving license(PDL) first before i can start my practical lessons since i am not going to study as a student in the school. his name is Mr. Toh and honestly, i had a hard time understanding his english. it was neither good nor bad but it was below average. while i was talking to him i was thinking, how the hell am i suppose to learn driving from you when i can't understand you fully?

this is the problem with private driving instructors. if you happen to have an old chinese speaking driving instructor, then you might have a problem communicating and understanding. i hope he can speaks malay so that we can communicate in malay. he told me, from mon to fri 9-5pm the cost fee is 22 dollars per hour and from mon-fri after 5, weekends and public holiday, would be 24 dollars an hour. i told him i will apply for my PDL first and will be contacting him soon after that. i will have to go to the driving school this afternoon to book for my practical test. i hope i get an earlier date and do not have to wait for 6 months. private students are prone to get a late test date that is why people choose to register as a student in school than taking privately. however, we also cannot deny it's much cheaper to take private than as a student in school.

chicken pie called me up last night and asked if i want to join her for a holiday in perhentian island in june. she will be there for a week and that's way too long for me. if i could go, i would go with her cos i want to spend quality time with her. she was hoping for me to go as well but i have to turn down her offer. i felt bad towards her but i hope i can make it up to her one day. she's been inviting me to join her for holidays a couple of times and i have been declining her offers politely. it's not that i don't want to go but i can't. i explained to her and she understands.

i hope she really understands and will not think otherwise when i decline her offers. what tickled me about her invitation was the fact that she hoped we can go and take our scuba diving course together. i giggled to myself and she kind of just remembered that i am afraid of waters. she laughed at herself and told me i could stay on the boat and watch her swim. ohh yeahhh, i would really love to see her in swimming suit, two piece please. *giggles mischieviously* i think she knew she was a little bit too pushy with me when she offered me a ride from JB to KL the other day, this time, she made it a point to ask me if she were too pushy with me and if she was, she's sorry.

i like her this time, she seems sensitive about how i feel and tried not too push it too far. we talked a little bit about her x gf and i asked her why does she need someone to divert her attention. she seemed to have realised that she shouldn't have said that to me, she said she has poured out her predicaments to the wrong person and she apologised and told me it was a small matter. i didn't mind if she wants someone to listen to her problems but it's difficult for me to do so since we are living in two different countries and communications by technologies is costly. but i cannot help to wonder does she only look for me whenever she needs someone to divert her attention from her ex? it can be quite controversial making that statement to me and that explains why she claimed she had said it to the wrong person. i can only smile at her blunder, if only i were there infront of her, i would really love to see the expression on her face.

hang tuah is getting bigger and heavier since we sent him for sterilisation. he is growing and he's not stopping. his colour is still lilac and sometimes i just find that it is similar to a rug on the kitchen floor. hang tuah looks clean and he has a very soft fine hair. we use the best shampoo and feed him with premium cat dry food. out of all the 8 cats we have reared, i think hang tuah is the most high maintenance cat i have ever come across. his medical fees can be more expensive than mine and his breeder insists on us feeding him with Royal Canine.

I cannot deny that royal canine is of high quality because tuah has never suffered from any constipation and diarrohae before. his stools are hard and never have been soft and sticky before. that shows he is eating well and right. furthermore, royal canine has lots of proteins and vitamins and it's good for him to grow. you should have gone with me to the cat show diary. there were many other beautiful cats, i saw the Singapura cats, rag dolls, bangles, scottish fold, british shorthair/longhair, american tabby and lots more. i saw rag dolls which are 5-6 years old and they were as big as dogs!! hang tuah will grow to that size and i cannot wait. oh god, i am missing him so much i want to pinch his backside once i get home.

he's so naughty, he only goes to my room cos he wants to look out of the window and watch the children play at the playground otherwise he wouldn't want to come into my room cos he knows i will be teasing him if he does. i placed my keyboard stool underneath the window and he likes to stand on the stool and stick his head out the window. he looks cute when he does that, very childlike and he seems smart. he doesn't sleep at night and roams the house freely like a king. he likes to be around people and enjoys humans company. there were many times when mum was cooking and i was in the bathroom. mum finished cooking and went into her room to shower.

there was no one else outside and tuah cried out very loud for us. i panicked and thought something happened to him only when i realised mum left him alone outside without telling him and he went to look for mum. i called him, he ran to me and stayed in the toilet while i took my shower. it was rather funny but rag dolls are known to enjoy humans company and will call out to people if he is left alone. i can see that mum and dad love hang tuah very much. dad has never loved a cat this much before and i can only tell it's because he has lost a son. hang tuah can never replace the son he has lost but he knows hang tuah is the only channel where he can pour out all his reserved love and affections that were meant for his lost son.

i know that somehow my brother and i have to have children of our own to divert my parents attention away from the thoughts of having lost a son. we need to expand our family regardless if we do it biologically or not. we need to bring back laughter and joy to this family of ours, we need to bring back the smiles to our parents faces, we need to give back to our parents for what they have lost even when we jolly well know what they have lost is not replaceable.