dear diary,
there's a relative of ours who is in the hospital and he is in a critical condition. he's a relative by marriage and i didn't really know him until i followed my parents to visit him in the hospital. he met with an accident at work and he has been in a comatose since then. he fell from a container and i assumed he hit his head first since doctors said there's a fracture in his skull at his forehead. no one saw how he fell but he was assumed to experienced a blackout first before he fell and hit his head against the pallette. he's married with 3 children and the youngest is only 12 years old. it's so sad for the family, he is the sole breadwinner of the family and i hope his family remains strong come what may. the doctors said that he has no hope of surviving and they only give him 30 hours. he is on a life support machine and it's all up to his family. i feel sorry for his family and i feel what they are feeling right now. it's so sad and i think all they can do right now is to pray and hope for a miracle.
diary, my toe is killing me. it hurts so much that i have difficulty taking wudhu and even shower. everytime the water hits the wound at the toe, it gives me a stinging pain. i am so afraid that people might just accidentally stepped on it. i am always very careful since i have this on my toe. i walked with cautious and i stay away from crowds to avoid them from stepping on my toe. mum told me to go to the polyclinic and get a prescription to go to the hospital for a minor surgery. i inherited this from dad, all my siblings have this kind of problems with our toe nails. if we happened to clip it wrongly, then the problems occurs. dad and my bro have gone for the operations and they have got no similar problems since. i am not sure if i want to go for the operation. i have this 'thing' about hospital. if i can avoid it, i will do anything to avoid it. i hate to be hospitalised and i hate to be diagnosed by the nurses or the doctors. basically, i hate people to 'check' on my body. ohh geeez, i really don't know what to do with myself sometimes. i hate to go through all these hassles. i think i will wait for a couple of days more and if things do not get better, then i'll go.
taj mahal text me last night and asked what is the currency exchange rate. i replied her back and asked why has she been quiet lately. as i figured, it's her school that's making her busy and probably didn't have much time to sms. i understand, anyway we are not attached and i have no reasons to question her neither does she. i haven't been calling or sending her sms either. i have been busy myself but i do have time to text to her if i want to but somehow i just think that's it's not right. i don't know diary, i feel that she is thinking about things and thinks that it's not necessary for her to send me news daily. school is another reason but i strongly believe there are other reasons as well. perhaps reality has hit on her as it has for me.
i began to realise that we are not attached and she has told me that she will not offer any promises and so i figured, yeah, i have no promises to offer her as well. she hardly expresses herself when it's about love and it's hard to hear her heart speaks. i never ask her anymore and i never wish to. things are better left alone when you are not ready for any commitments now. i told her about my toe and she said it might be 'cagu'. i don't know what the hell is that and she explained to me. i never heard of 'cagu' before and it really sounded foreign to me.
i am going to the cemetery this friday alone. my family will be away in malacca and i am home alone. i need to bring some scissors, water bottles and gloves. i am going to trim the mini trees on his grave. i think there are about 15 of them on his grave and they have grown big and out of size. i need to trim them nicely this friday so they all look of the same size and uniform. currently, they are all over the grave and have grown uneven. dad has stopped buying flowers and instead use the money to donate it to the mosque on behalf of my brother.
i think that is more appropriate and a good thing to do. we get nothing out of the flowers placed on his grave. they will wither and die and it symbolises nothing except that his grave has been visited. however, donations on behalf of him brings a lot of benefits to him and it can be an investment for him on judgement day. i totally support what my dad has decided to do and i think i will continue to do the same thing for every one of my loved one.
i spoke to mum about trouble and in the middle of the discussion, i got emotional. i am so annoyed with him and i have lost all respect towards him. i have said something that was rude and quite hurtful. he was not given away but he was taken away. there was no agreement, no permissions seeking session, no official contract about him. it was all based on verbal request and my dad obliged because it concerned his family. i was never close to him like a brother to a sister but we are more of a pair of cousins and he's bonding with my parents are never of a parents to son relationship but it's more of a parents to nephew kind of a relationship.
i still feel the anger now that my brother was taken away from my family but i am more angrier when they do not do a good job bringing him up. all these while, i have believe that when a child is taken away from his biological parents to be put under the care of a guardian who acts as parents, that parents must take full responsibility of that child. his basic necessities such as education, food, clothings and personal well-being must be paid attention to.
if that parents are bold enough to take him away without seeking permission then i will assume that they are also bold enough to face the consequences. it is to their advantage if the child turns out to be an angel and it is to their disadvantage if the child turns out to be a devil. however, they must never run away from their responsibility or shift the responsibility back to the biological parents when the child made a mistake that seems too much for them to take. it is unfair to the biological parents and it is so selfish of them to do so. this is what happens to trouble and i never like a bit about this. i have been tolerating and i have been holding back my resentment for too long. i cannot live in denial anymore.
i told mum frankly that in my mind, there are only 5 of us and right now it has gone down to 4 of us. i never take trouble to be in the family because i know it's pointless. the family bonding is never strong and he is rarely with us physically, i see no reasons to include him. i never deny the blood ties but in my case, blood is not always thicker than water. i am fed up with all of them, i despise them all and i would never want to be nice with them anymore.
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