have i lost it all?

dear diary,

for the first time after bakim's death, mum spoke to me openly about how she feels. i listened to her attentively and tried very hard to hold back my tears. she cried and there were tears in my eyes, i looked away to wipe the tears. i hate to cry infront of people. i don't know why but i have the habit since young and it is a habit hard to break.

i feel that i should only cry when i am alone and no one should ever see me cry. most of the times, i tried to uphold that belief but i have to admit defeat at some point of time. having to watch mum cried so sadly like that made my heart breaks into millions of pieces. i feel that i am drowning in my own sorrow and it is so hard to get to the surface to breath. i wish i could do something to make her smile again, i wish i could kiss all her worries and sadness away and grant her a life full of joy and happiness. i never want to see her in that state again and i hope she will be strong enough to face all hardships and adversities in the time to come. i have made a promise to myself that i will stand behind her all the way however she needs me, through thick and thin, through sickness and in good health, i will bend till i break till there's no more to give, if that's what it takes.

the car is allocated and we are required to make further payments to Mazda. dad is taking charge of everything and i just let it be. i am not involve with the purchase of the car and i shall not interfere. i have seen it many times and i knew how it looks like. it's quite tall like Hyundai Matrix and it looks big from the outside. oh yes, talking about cars, i have found myself a suitable private driving school which charges reasonably. i am paying one lump sump and i don't have to worry about anything else after that. i only have to worry about the test booking fees, PDL application and circuit training rental. the one picked up my call was fairly polite and sounded professional. his english was good and understandable. he explained to me comprehensively volutarily without waiting for me to ask questions. that showed an initiative to make me attracted to what the driving school has to offer. i took down their full address and will be there tomorrow to register. it's at geylang serai and it's so near to darul arqam where i have my quran class.

i hope they have a slot on saturday morning for me so that i can go for quran class immediately after driving class. however, the test centre is at Ubi and it is an area known for its high traffic round the clock. but i am not too worried about that since, i know 4 people who took their license there privately and passed as well. my brother took his there and i don't see why i should be afraid of the place. once again it's all mind over body, don't be afraid and have confidence in yourself. get rid of all the bad thoughts and have a clear mind when you want to embark on something. things will be fine and will be smooth when you do not anticipate fear.

chicken pie text me again last night and i didn't reply her back. i wanted to reply her back but i took my time and i saw her online, i kind of get the feeling that she was upset with my attitude. we didn't chat much, i told her i was about to reply her when she came online and i don't think she could stomach that. i really don't know what's wrong with me. it's like i am keeping away from all the girls. i haven't talk to taj mahal regularly now, i haven't talk to chicken pie like before now and i don't care if aramis text me or doesn't anymore, in fact i couldn't be bothered about anything else except for my driving class, studies, work and family. it seems that i have lost interest in having intimate friendships with anyone anymore.

i am not sure but i just prefer to do my own things nowadays. taj mahal has been quiet too probably because of her exam. it's in june and i know she's busy with her revision and studying. law is something where you need to do a lot of reading with understanding, a lot of analysis, research and thinking. i miss her everytime i think of her, and i can never explain why things happened so fast between us. perhaps i have this thing about dark women, particularly North Indians. i can easily get attracted to them and my eyes can never look away from them if i happen to come across them in Public.

diary, i got to go. need to read up on somehting.later.