Dear diary,
dad did not go to malacca with the rest of them and ended up staying at home with me. i kind of knew this would happen because dad always have this 'thing' about mingling with mum's relatives. i just couldn't figure out what is his problem. i would have understand if mum were to be like that but i cannot think of any reasons why dad would behave as such towards mum's relatives. as far as i know, they never offended or provoked dad in any way let alone us, his children. all i can say is, dad is being unfair and difficult. there are always some things that are not pleasant to him when it comes to mum's relatives, there are always more wrongs than rights and more inconveniences than conveniences. i cannot understand and somehow i cannot accept his attitude but i know to question his motives would be too much for him to answer thus i leave him alone with his ego.
to analyse things in details, dad's relatives have always been the one who created endless controversies. if i am not wrong, right after all of us were born, things were not a good sailing for mum. many things happened till i cannot even write it down here. my little brother was taken away, we were tormented and torn apart, ridiculed and looked down at, in simple plain english, we were despised and hated so much by them. i grew up with a very detached feelings towards them. i never understand why but i knew they hated mum so much and the hatred they have for mum was extended to her children as well. automatically, we became victims of intense hatred just for being who we are. it was sad but the three of us were mighty strong. we took every criticism, every ridicule and every condemnation like a grown up man.
we took everything thrown at us bravely in our stride, never flinching, never breaking down and never afraid. i was always quiet when they attacked us verbally. balim and bakim were the ones who defended mum. even though they were young and small in size, they defended mum like how all sons should. this is what they say, it's not the size of the dog that matters but it is always the size of the fight in the dog that matters. they were very brave and fearless and in their children's voice, they talked back to them with whatever they could. ayat was excluded because he was never one of us. since they took him away, they loved him like he was god. he was showered with gifts, love, attention and care that my parents can never afford to give him. he had an easy and pampered childhood. he was brought up to be a coward and a liar. he was brought up to be irresponsible. i knew why they took him away and i never can accept the reasons nor will i understand. they are all pigs as far as i am concern.
i feel sad diary. i feel angry with them. it has been a long time ago but the anger i have for them is snowballing. it's getting obvious since the day bakim died. i told mum that i only know i have two brothers instead of three. ayat will never be a part of us. he may be my biological brother but he will never be regarded as a family. the bond that i have with him is too thin to resemble a sibling's bond. it's impossible to make it one. he doesn't even recognise mum's relatives by heart and how is he supposed to be regarded as one of us? we may be related by blood but i doubt the phrase blood is thicker than water can apply to our relationship.
he is a good brother but not good enough to make me acknowledge him. perhaps it is not entirely his fault, if they had not taken him away from me, probably i would acknowledge him. this is why i was angry with them and i still am. i am dissapointed, heartbroken, upset and angry for what thay have done and i am not sure if i can ever forgive them truthfully. bakim's death only made it worse and it adds on to the miseries of having one more less siblings. i have a habit of replacing any of my lost belonging immediately, it helps ease the pain a little but i cannot feed the habit when it comes to bakim's death. it is impossible beyond any means and regretfully i have to live with it. i just have to...untill we will all meet in paradise when we are all free from any sins.
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