dear diary,
it's been a while since i wrote and please accept my apology as i have been busy dreaming of the things yet to come for me. furthermore, the cable service was down and that only puts me in a better position not to write. anyway, i am back now and i have got a whole more interesting stories to share with you that i do not know where to begin.
my studies have been going smoothly for me. i have changed my study techniques and i grasp what is taught to me more easily now. the trick is all about understanding what you learn, what you read and what is required of you to answer the questions. constant practice makes it a whole lot easier to equip yourself for the examinations. i am improving and that puts a smile on my face everyday. i have engaged a tutor and she is just another source of motivations for me. she's sweet you know diary. the simple but intelligent kind of girl that you don't get a lot nowadays. i notice that girls nowadays are becoming more beautiful but with smaller brains or intelligent but demanding. in fact some women are becoming so intellectually advanced that they begin to challenge the basic rules of Islam. have you heard of the woman professor teaching Islamic history in one of the university in america?
she created news and stir emotions when she led the friday prayer in a christian chappel with men and women as her makmum. she claimed that she was doing that to show to the world and fellow muslims that women share equal rights with men in Islam. she wants to uphold her belief that women are on the same par with men and there are no differences between a man and a woman. i understand her motive and her intention but i cannot and will not accept her actions even though i am a woman myself who have always believe that women are as capable as men in almost all aspects of life. she is a professor and i can say an educated woman with educational background she can be proud of but whatever happens to her modesty, i do not know.
in her crusade to uphold her belief, she fails to take into considerations the law of Sufi and the fundamentals of Islam that no women can lead a prayer when there are men as makmum. women are allowed to lead congregational prayers only for fellow women. her act has violated the very basic rules of Islam and ultimately challenge Allah. it's scary to live in a society where intellect has taken over humility and common sense that people do not think logically anymore. it's all about the rights of an individual or a group of people without properly looking at things more deeply than taking the course of actions to state the rights. it can be very dissapointing and shocking and i hope Muslim are not easily influenced by such baseless acts to promote the rights of an individual or any group of people at the expense of their faith.
the past weekend was full of activities and i made some changes to my room. i rearrange the furniture to suit my needs and i am loving my room even more. i began to appreciate it and love being in my room more nowadays. the previous arragement of the furniture was fine but it was hard for me to watch tv while studying at the same time cos i had to turn my head and it can be troublesome and painful after awhile. i rearranged the bed horizontally across the room and this arrangement allows me to watch the tv while studying or surfing the internet simultaneously. my room looks more organise now and tidy. i put my keyboard underneath the window and this makes hang tuah a frequent visitor to my room cos he loves to climb onto the keyboard to have a better view of outside.
he's getting more naughtier and bold nowadays. i caught him going outside the window and rested on the railing beyond the boundary he was not supposed to cross. i took him back inside and reprimanded him, flicking his ears so that he knows i was serious. i am worried about him cos if he slipped and fell, he could have injured himself. there are many cases where cats died from falling from high rise buildings. i live on the second floor and i bet he would not have died if he were to fall but still, i am not going to take the risk of him injuring himself even if it's a minor bruise. he's so adorable and i love him so much to watch him suffer or hurt himself unnecessarily. thus, i only make it a habit of opening the window on that side only when i am in my room so that i can watch over him.
my toe is getting better and the pain is gone. i went to the polyclinic and got myself some medications and a medical certificate valid for a day. it was a female doctor and she's sweet as well. very nice smooth complexion, almost flawles. i asked her if she could write me a letter so i can go for a minor surgery, she took a look at my toe and suggested to take anti biotics and some other medications. she also gave me some prescribed washing solutions to wash the wound. i have not been washing it but i take the medicines regularly. the doctor advised me to compulsorily finish the anti biotics course. she reminded me to pay her a visit again if my toe does not get well.
oh you know, chicken pie called me on friday evening before my tuition and she teased me for going out on a date when i was actually going for my tuition. i told her that but she just continued teasing me. chicken pie has been very nice to me and supportive of what i do. i know she is sincere with me when she never fails to call me at least once in 2 weeks. she used to call me everyday without fail and each phone call would last for 30 minutes at least. she stopped doing that when the bill came and she explained to me why she can't call me as often as before anymore. i truly appreciate her and i think she is honestly genuine with me. having her as a gf would make my life more organise and pleasant cos she is matured and she's the no-nonsense kind of girl. so far, we get along well and i know i would be happy with her.
but having a relationship commiment is not what i am looking for, for now. i have got too many plans drawn up for myself and long distance relationship demands a whole lot of deal for me. apart from money, time and patience play a part. i really don't know what am i going to do after this year and if i ever going to stick to my plan of moving away from here. the future seems uncertain now and i am still keeping my options open. as much as i want to get away from here, i also do not want to have financial burden of paying the school fees. i also do not want to move there with no strong financial back up. mum has agreed to finance my studies but i have other things to take into considerations as well such as my monthly insurance premiums. i still want to continue paying the insurance premiums even when i am away cos those insurance act as savings as well as protection for me. with no agenda for marriage, and the wait i have to endure to adopt children, insurance is the only thing i can rely on to give me a sense of security and i am not going to risk losing the only security i have.
i did not go to the cemetery the past weekend cos dad brought mum with him. it's been awhile since mum last visited the cemetery. she has to work on weekends and that hinders her from going to the cemetery frequently. since mum accompanied dad to the cemetery, i had that sunday morning to myself and i took my time doing the things i needed to do.
mum told me the other day that my aunt asked about my status, whether am i single or dating someone. i think i have created some concern among my aunts because most of my female cousins my age, older or younger have got married or engaged while i still have no news for them on my eligibility. when i think i will not be affected by people's perceptions and scrutiny, i am beginning to feel the pressure and for the first time afraid that i might have to get married to avoid being question. it's not like i am easily giving in but honestly, i have to be single minded about what i want in life especially when it comes to marriage. marriage is a lifetime commitment and if i am half hearted about doing it and if i am not 100 percent sure i can do it, then i might as well lead my life the way it is now.
one thing i have to bear in mind is that i am not straight and to commit myself in marriage is definitely a tall order for me. i have told myself repeatedly that even if i have changed and have left my life as a lesbian, it is hardly that i will get married eventually. it's just not on my mind and i don't think i can do it. i am just different and it's hard to explain. i really don't know what's going to happen but that's all i can say for now and i am contented with the way i am now. it is definitely not easy to be a lesbian. it's tough and there are many things you have to endure and face apart from knowing the fact that it's a big sin to have sexual relationships with people of the same gender and you may be condemn in hell for practising life as gay. i don't know what to do diary.
i know where to seek help but i don't want to stop myself from feeling loved by fellow women. in simple terms i don't want to change. although i can refrain myself from sex but i cannot refrain myself from loving another woman unless a miracle happens that turn me into a straight person one day after i woke up from sleep. i feel sorry for my family and i feel lousy sometimes. every time i pray, i never dared to ask god to take me back to the correct path because i need to feel loved by fellow women to go on with life. doesn't matter if i can have them as my girl friend or not, i just love the attentions and care from women and living without them is like living without a soul, so empty and lifeless.
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