dear diary,
i skipped one major housework over the weekend and i will make it up tonight. i usually do it on saturday morning but i had to skip it cos i went for my driving lesson. i was 10 minutes late and i lost 10 minutes of the lesson time and i made a promise to myself not to be late again, whatever happen to my punctuality is the best policy, i don't know. i could be punctual on that day but i took my time getting ready for it and i over-estimated my efficiency and ended up late.
i woke up at 6 in the morning but i only took my shower half an hour later. my driving instructor was waiting for me when i got there. we immediately got into the car and went to the place for the lesson which was about 5 minutes drive. it was near to the stadium and the stadium has ample carpark space and there are many private driving instructors who hold their lessons there for beginners. i saw 3 other learners there and i guess they are already at their third or fourth lessons cos they drive quite smoothly only jerking occassionally.
when we got there i was so excited to start driving that i did not pay attention to the instructor's short theory lecture. i just thought that it was a waste of time. when it was time for me to start, i turned on the engine and followed the correct procedure on starting and moving off a car which i have learnt during the simulator lessons. i turned on the engine, depressed the clutch pedal fully, changed to gear 1, release hand brake, carefully depressed the accelerator and carelessly released the clutch pedal too fast and immediately the engine stalled. the car moved off for a few meters and it stopped making a vibration violently. i didn't panick but i can sense that the instructor was annoyed.
i didn't give a damn because as far as i am concern i am new at driving so he has to understand my disadvantage. the theories and the simulator lessons alone are not enough to make me efficient on my first practical lesson. i didn't let the instructor's reaction affected me and i smiled widely at my blunder. he explained to me again on the techniques of starting and moving off a car and i followed it carefully the next time and i drove the car quite smoothly but at a very minimal speed. it was fine but i need to work at controlling and maintaining my feet work. i tend to depress the accelerator pedal too hard and the car accelerates quickly. the instructor had to literally placed my feet at the spot where he thinks would avoid my feet from depressing the accelerator too hard.
it worked and i managed to maintain the speed at 20 km/h throughout the course of the lessons. the first lessons consisted of starting and moving off a car, turning left, gear changing and stopping. it was fun and exciting, i felt like a kid playing with his new toy and did not want to end his playing session when the time was up. the session lasted 1.5 hours and my next lesson will be on next saturday at 8 am. this time, i am going to be punctual but i hope i will not forget the proper techniques.
i went to tampines after that to pay my tutor her fees and told her that i want to discontinue her service. told her the truth and she understands. i don't really need a tutor now since i have successfully overcome my drawbacks, all i have to do now is to make sure i meet the minimum standards of the board. you know what diary, sometimes you just have to know your way around and try to do as much homework as you can before you embark on a journey.
you will never know what is in store for you until you find out what is in store for you. there are no short cuts to success but there are open doors for you to come right in if you fit the bill. i could have continued with the tuition but i need to save a lot of money as much as i could for further studies and the tuition is not necessary so i had to give it up. the tuition fees can contribute to 30 percent of my monthly total savings and that is a lot. i am more focus now diary and i don't think much of unnecessary stuffs anymore. i think this is how it should be cos i can see myself progressing and i am proud of myself.
when i had girlfriends, all the money, time and energy i had, went to them and it gave me very little space to upgrade myself and pay attention to my own needs. i am single now and i have all the time and energy in the world to focus on developing myself for my own betterment. money is growing now and i breathe without a problem nowadays. all those girls brought nothing but miseries to my life, i cannot believe i was stupid to allow that to happen. i guess there was love between each one of them and myself but falling in love with them resulted in my failure to focus on my own success.
it is unfair to blame them but honestly, i have wasted so much money and effort on them but i got nothing out of it. all the phone bills and the expenses for luxuries i provided them could accumulate to more than 10 thousand singapore dollars. if i had been straight, i could use that money to get married but i am not so there wasn't really a blessed relationship between those girls and myself. that is the thing about gay relationships. even if you love her like blood, it is not going to be a blessed relationship, so why waste your time, money and energy to give 100 percent in a relationship?
i used to be so loyal you know, very defensive and protective of my relationships. even though we were far, i tried to make it work with the phone calls and visits and gifts but look at where they got me? it's bullshit and totally uncalled for. i can still love a girl but i don't think i will love her more than what is required. things will probably change when i am there for good but for now i am sticking to what i believe. gay relationship is a waste of time. i have heard many stories of how relationships ended and i cannot recall knowing one gay relationship that last till death do them part or till they grow old together. ultimately, gay relationships cannot be regarded as a lifetime commitments between two people of the same gender in love. probably it could be done so elsewhere but not right here in any muslims countries. it is madness to do so. ask any lesbians over here and i bet they would all agree but of course there are some who are living in denial. the best thing to do is to leave them alone.
i went to simpang bedok for dinner on saturday with my family. the place is very popular so it was not surprise if it was crowded when i got there. they served malay food and the crowds consisted of mostly malays. the stall that i ordered my food from did not really impressed me with their culinary skills. i expected the food to be tasty but i was otherwise proved. however, they had many stalls there and it is unfair for me to say simpang bedok doesn't serve good food. i have yet to try food from other stalls and only then i am able to draw my final conclusion. we got lost on the way there at bedok and i was very much furious with my brother's driving skills. he was careless and he was reckless.
he road hogged many times and almost made one car knocked us from behind. he is usually not like that and it happened because he was thinking of how to get there while driving and this already divided his attention into two things, which led him to road hog. many cars passed us honking and waved their hands in frustrations at his driving skills. i can only watch in regrets and promised myself to be a careful and considerate driver once i passed my license.
my brother is not very fast at getting a clear picture of situations even though he is an engineer by qualifications. he is uninhibited and can be oblivious to the surroundings and so the honking and waving did not really bother him while i am totally the opposite of him and the honking and waving were really affecting me. i knew that our carelessness contributes hardships to other road users and this should not be the way. my brother had to think of other road users as well which he failed to do.
i was really pissed at him and i can see my dad was too but he couldn't say anything cos if he had said something about his driving, my brother would gladly asked him to drive the car. sometimes, i pity my dad and try hard to understand his position but i can't wholly blamed my brother too cos he was the one driving and he just got his license, so i couldn't expect him to be 100 percent efficient cos he is not an experienced driver. i am not sure if i can hold my temper when i am driving too cos i will never be able to be certain of the situations and circumstances. i just hope i can be as cool as i am while driving.
i was at the airport after i paid my tuition fees. i met my friend cos he was in need of my help. he needed the cash and i had to lend him the money. i could have said no to him but he has been a good friend and he did help me a couple of times when i was down. even though he had played me out once, i still cannot afford to say no to him. i just figured that my turn would be next and he might be the one i will seek help from. furthermore, i once listen to a religious sermon that said we will be blessed if we had help to lighten the burdens of others or to help solve the problems of others. he is in need of help and god probably wants me to help him that's why he called me even though it was embarassing for him to do so after he played me out. all i wanted to do was to do what i can to help others and at the same time, make some investments for a place in heaven in my afterlife so that i will still have a chance to meet my beloved brother.
being at the airport altogether reminded me again of the flying waitress. i saw quite a few flight attendants. they all looked so pretty and beautiful although i have to admit that some of them look no better than an average looking girl, but with the thick make up, the almost perfect hairdo, the flawless skin and a slim figure make up for the lack of looks. it's good to be able to travel while you are working, being able to see the world first hand is a valuable experience one can get and what's more if it is free. air tickets and accomodations are all paid for, all you have to do is to give service with a smile to the passengers and if you are lucky enough, you may find your Mr. Right among them. travelling has always been everybody's cup of tea, the only thing that is stopping some of us from doing so is thin bank accounts.
you know diary, sometimes you just wish that it didn't happen but yet it still happen and when it happened, you cannot do anything about it and that's very sad. as much as i am so excited at the thought that i am finally moving away, i am also worried of my parents. you know that there are only 2 of us left to take care of my parents. when i moved away, my brother will be the only one with them and what if anything happened to them? i am so afraid that they might end up like my late brother, who was so sick and became paralysed and had to depend on people. i always have this fear and i cannot help it.
probably because i have seen it and experience it and i know what kind of hardships we will be facing if it were to happen again. it was dificcult and it was very depressing when there is no one else to help. you cannot depend much on your relatives and the only people you can count on is your family. day and night i say my prayers to god and ask him to bless my family and all my good friends with good health. distant us from any mishaps that could make our lives difficult. i am still scared diary, i am still afraid to lose someone i love again. every night before i sleep i will think of my brother and how it was when he left us. i don't want to go through it again. it was very painful and heartbreaking. i am concern of my parent's safety and well-being once i am gone. if only they could come along with me. please god, bless them with good health always, make my journey to success a smooth one.
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