dear diary,
a few days ago someone requested to add me into her MSN messenger. her name is unfamiliar but i just figured that she must be someone i know so i gave her the permision to add me. at the same time, i sent her an email asking who she is. she replied me back and now i know who she is. she is an old friend from KL whom i have known for i think about 5 or 6 years.
i don't know exactly but she is an old friend. i have met her thrice in kl and we got along pretty fine. i used to have a crush on her but i don't know anymore. during the time i know her, she has always been attached so i didn't really bother to pursue my interest, furthermore i wasn't really sure if it was love. it is good to hear from an old friend. we used to send each other emails frequently but it stopped somewhere in mid 2003 and since then we have stopped keeping in touch. she's a friend of pontianak and i stopped sending her emails at the time when i stopped talking to pontianak.
you know, pontianak is one of the members of the infamous bermuda triangle whom i have been avoiding because i just think that they are toxic. it's just like food you know, if you are diabetic, you stay away from food with high sugar content. that goes the same with friendship, if you cannot get along, you might as well stay away. that friend of mine, oh wait, let's give her a nickname that suits her best, ermm...*thinking* gesss, i cannot think of a name for her. how about, oldie? she is an old friend indeed. oldie is a good friend, i would say she is someone i feel comfortable talking about stuffs. for the period i have known her, she's fine and honestly she is one of those girls that i imagined would be mine.
thinking of that makes me giggle to myself. she said i am a sweet talker you know, and she kind of gave me the impression that she can't trust me in relationship. i am not sure but that's how i interpret her body language. i didn't take it seriously cos i just thought she might have got the wrong side of me. it has really been awhile since we last chatted. i don't really know how is she doing now, i can only wait for her reply to know what is she up to lately. i hope she is fine.
oh diary, have i told you about a relative of mine who met with an accident at work and was in a comatose? he passed away yesterday morning at nine leaving behind a wife and 3 children. dad broke the news to me last night and i offered some prayers for him. i don't really know him cos we are only related by marriage and not by blood. furthermore he is considered a distant relative. i still feel the sadness though and i can imagine how would his remaining family members feel. we can only afford so much and all we can do now is accept that everything alive has to be returned to his creator one day. our turn will come but we'll never know when.
mum asked about russia the other day and i had to lie to her. this is the thing why i hate to bring girlfriends home. they only agree to come home with me cos of our relationship and nothing else. and i know the chances of gay relationships like ours to be long lasting is thin, we will break up and once we have broken up, she's no longer able to come home with me.
if our family members are not fond of her, then it doesn't make a difference but if they are, like how my mum is fond of russia, then it's going to be a problem. mum will defintely ask cos russia has come to my house often when we were together and all my immediate family members have known her and it is natural for them to ask about her if she has not come to my home for a period they deem long. i have never brought girlfriends home before except for friends and russia broke my traditions. sometimes i am so fed up with her character, she can be so stubbornly selfish without thinking of the curcumstances.
her only reason is to be with me without taking my situations into considerations. i have told her many times that i am living with my family and it wouldn't be good for her to appear at my door late at night or in the wee hour in the morning. i don't mind her coming over but the least she could do is to come at a proper time without creating suspicions. my advice was not heeded by her and dad began to suspect something fishy, only then she realised what she has done. it became an issue at home and i had to think of ways to answer for her and at the same time, i got turned off by her.
i hate all these troubles with my parents and i hate to create suspicions and when that happened not because of my own doing, i got so annoyed with russia. i tried to be cool but i failed. the more i tried to persevere the more turned off i got. one thing i learnt, never accept a proposal from someone whom you don't even know if you like or love her. if you are unsure, better wait for awhile till you understand what your heart says. i never loved russia, it was just an infatuation that doesn't last long. i knew we wouldn't last cos she can't even tell me what she is and if she expects me to tolerate her sometimes boyish sometimes woman looks and her authoritative attitude towards me then i might as well turn straight cos i will never ever allow myself to be with a butch or a butch wannabe. i have nothing against them but i just like to make sex with woman-looking lesbians and not man-looking lesbians.
diary, my toe nail is giving me problem again. i thought by letting it grow long it will be ok but it's not. i am able to wear shoes now but it still hurts and i have stopped wearing shoes again. i dunno how long it will go on like this. i have to wear shoes during my practical lessons and i am lucky that i don't have any practical lesson this coming weekend. i don't know what to do with my toenail diary. i have been to the doctor, and i have taken the medicine but i have yet to wash the wound with the prescribed solution and apply some cream to it. i hope it gets better soon, i really do. otherwise, i will have to go for the operation and have to postpone my driving class.
hey diary, i wrote a poem for my late brother. it's almost a year since his death and i just feel like writing him something. i will post it soon on my homepage and i intend to send it to the papers to get it published. do you know that one of my article had been published when i was 17? i felt really good you know at that time. it was an achievement for me and unfortunately, i got sidetracked and i didn't focus on my writing skills. another article of mine was chosen by the panel of judges to allow me to attend a writing worksop organized by the Singapore Press Holdings for budding writers.
i wasted it away and years just slipped by like that. told you that everytime i am halfway up, i am always halfway down. i tend to lose focus easily last time but not anymore. i am sure i have change for the better. we'll just have to wait and see. i can't wait for the time when i am finally moving out of here diary. i think that would be my most happiest day because that's what i have always wanted to do. i have big plans for myself when i get there. there are so many things i want to do and i have to think big to make it a success. i have to stay focus and remain calm and collected.
i must make sure i eat right and have plenty of rest to be able to carry out my plans diligently. it's all up to me now how to make it work. i will succeed, i have made a promise to myself, it's for my late brother, my family and myself and for you too diary. you have been the one person who listens to me without prejudice. you never talk back, you never put me down, you never criticize me and you never hate me. i love you diary, you have been my source of letting out steam and you never fail to calm me down easily no matter how major the break down is. you are my true friend, more than anything else.
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