disturbing thoughts...

dear diary,

i am worried about my toe nail cos it seemed like it was getting better but it didn't. maybe because i wore shoes too early and it gave little space for the toe nail thus in-growth toe nail occurs again. however, this time round is not so bad as before. it is minimal but the pain still exists. i can't wear shoes anymore. i have to wait till it heal first otherwise it will make the wound becomes worse. my only concern is how am i supposed to go for my driving practical class if i can't wear shoes? wearing shoes is compulsory and i cannot be wearing slippers or sandals. i must make sure my toe healed before my next driving lesson.

diary, i have been thinking about lots of things. i think i am going a bit too much with my thoughts. i have this fear of living. i am afraid of things that i don't even know what. sometimes, i cry myself to sleep thinking of all the possibilities that could happen. silently, my brother's death hit me so hard that i don't even realised it. i am afraid of losing anymore family members. there are not many of us left now and i don't want my family to shrink when everybody's family is growing. sometimes, my imaginations run wild and i imagined that my whole family members are gone and i am the only one left.

i am scared diary. i keep having those thoughts, what's even worst is sometimes i imagined that one of them might have the same fate as my late brother and i am the only one left to take care of him. these crazy thoughts are very disturbing. i keep praying to god to make my family safe wherever they are and with whatever they are doing. i keep praying to god to keep them away from accidents, illnesses or mishaps. i want to grow old with them and i don't want anything to happen to them. i feel so frighten sometimes diary. i love them very much and i can't be with them always to protect them and to keep them safe from harm. do you think i am sick diary or it is normal to have these thoughts?

i have always felt safe when my late brother was around. he was tall, big and strong and everywhere we go, i didn't feel afraid of anything because i knew i had him but now, it's only us left and i feel very lost, like a child without a mother. if there's anybody who had irritated or annoyed me at school or work, i would always tell my late brother and he would offer to come to school or my workplace to give that bully a piece of his mind. but now, it seems that i have to take care of myself, there's no one whom i can talk to if i am bullied. i miss him so much diary. i want him back but it's impossible because he's dead....he's dead....he's dead....why did it have to be that way? it's not fair....i feel sad knowing the fact that he's gone and he's never coming back. do you get what i mean diary?

if he's just gone overseas, at least i know he's coming back and i can still have him around me but when he's dead, there's not a chance he might come back. he's really gone this time and i have to live with that fact till i die. the only time i can meet him again is in heaven, but that is if i made it to heaven. help me diary...i feel so down right now. my family does not know what i am feeling. i never told them. this is just something i feel everyday but i am keeping it under control. i don't know how long it will go on.

sometimes, i don't know if i can survive emotionally without my family around. i have never lived far and away from them. i have always lived under the same roof with them for as long as i live. never been apart from them. since i was a young kid, i have been an introvert, the quietest of all. i never spoke to my aunties or uncles and i have always kept to myself. i was a very well-behaved kid, disciplined and never gave much problems to the adults who took care of me. i was considered as the kid angel because it was so easy to take care of me. everywhere i went, i had to be accompanied by my parents and i will cry if they were not around me.

i depended too much on them to feel safe and protected. if my parents were not around, i relied on my brothers to take care of me. they made me feel safe and secured. to put it short, i hate to be with strangers or even relatives other than my immediate family. i am the third child but i am considered to be the youngest in the household. my youngest brother does not stay with us since he was a baby. he was taken away and that left me and my elder brothers. i couldn't say for sure if i was pampered and spoilt because i don't have the characteristics of a spoilt child but i have to admit i have a very strong bond with my family that i hate to be away from them. i am closer to my late brother but he's gone now. diary, i feel so lost without him sometimes. i feel so much pain having to live like this. i miss him so much that i cannot think of a word to describe what i am feeling. it's beyond description diary...i feel down, i feel low and i feel so lifeless...it's only temporary. i will be feeling ok soon. it's just that today, it really hit me so bad.

i guess it's just one of those days...i have to constantly pray to god to put me at ease and to keep my family safe from harm, he's the only one who will hear me now, and i know he will not dissapoint me. diary, have you ever felt this way? you are so afraid to live another day because you fear something bad will happen to your family and you have to live to hear the news. suddenly you are all alone in a strange land and all you can do now is to survive on your own. i need people i am comfortable with. i get scared sometimes you know. i am independent but it's just this feeling that i keep on having since my brother's gone. if only i can do a miracle, i would bring him back to life.

i can't wait for the day where we will all meet together as one complete family unit and hang tuah is included. you know diary, whenever i am sad or down i never share it with people, not even my girlfriends. that is why i cannot help wondering who do i feel really comfortable with to talk to if i am really down. i hate to open up with people you know. there are a few whom i have confided in but only with little of my problems. the fact that i hate to cry infront of people hinders me from doing so. i hate people to know i am sad, i hate people to know i am troubled, i hate people to know i am disturbed. sharing of problems is a common thing i do with my friends but when i feel it is something too personal and if i am going to get emotional talking about it, i would rather keep it to myself. the only people i trust right now are ein, hulk, hippo, mummy, curly fries, driver and perhaps chicken pie. these are the people i feel most comfortable with.

i miss chicken pie diary. i am beginning to feel that she really cares about me. the thing about her that i like is she listens to you. when you are in need of someone to talk to, you can always count on her. doesn't matter whatever the reason is, she tries to listen to you and gives her opinions based on empathy than sympathy. comparing her and taj mahal, have more confidence with chicken pie. aramis on the other hand is always contradicting herself. always telling me how much she loves me and bla bla bla but hardly ever proved it to me. i never paid her a lot of attention nowadays anyway. never mind, i am too tired to talk right now. have to go diary, take care. bye.