dear diary, i wrote something awful about him last night to you. i posted it here but it was only for private viewing. i can't make it visible for all to read. people say, we do not wash our dirty linens in public and showing people the skeleton in our closet is a risky thing to do because people might use it against us in some ways or another. i guess it is true that we have to keep some matters private even with our buddies whom we have regarded like our blood. i still have the scar from what happened but i am going to let it go slowly. i can forgive him but i will not forget what he has done. i have lost all my trust in him and i will not acknowledge him anymore. as far as i am concern, he is out of my life and i am not allowing his presence to exist in me.
chicken pie called last night while i was praying and i couldn't answer her. she left me a voice message. i have been thinking about her a lot lately and i kind of miss her. she is so nice to me and she cares about me sincerely. you know diary, if she were my gf i have the feeling that i will be taken care of with lots of love. she seems genuine with me and in fact, she's the only one out of the many girls i have known for this period, who makes an effort to show her care constantly. sometimes, i feel a little scared. as much as i want to be nice to her, i am also afraid to give her the wrong idea of my kindness.
i don't want her to be too confident with me. i am not sure diary, taj mahal is also showing signs like that. she keeps telling me not to have high hope on her but at the same time, she talks to me as if we are already a couple. i am confuse and honestly i have not feel the pressure yet because of the distance but i am sure once i set foot in KL for good, problems will occur. i don't want our friendship to be in a mess. i want to maintain the good friendship we are having and i don't want to lose them but it looks like i am being careless again like how i always do. if they are strong enough and never take things to heart, perhaps i can still save the friendship but if they don't, they will think i am a bitch and will cast me aside.
things like that happen to me a few times since i made many lesbian friends and i am not sure if i am the only one solely to be blamed. that's what happened with bermuda triangle. being nice was regarded as being desperate, being natural was regarded as being superficial and being frank was regarded as being a bitch. it was a slightly different story with the flying waitress, i got pissed off because i was thought to try to come on to her by her girlfriend. i swear i didn't try to do that.
all i wanted was to be a friend but i was misunderstood. perhaps, in my effort to be a friend i had gone a little overboard but how could that be when i have only met her twice and spent less than 12 hours going out with her. where did it all go wrong? how come that does not happen to me with straight prople and it only happens with fellow lesbians? perhaps the competition to get a girl is tougher for a lesbian and once they got one, they treasure and protect their girl friends like how they rear a gold fish. they become very insecure over anyone whom they think might pose a threat to their status. they want to eliminate any competition and thus they become very protective and defensive. any effort by the third party to become friends with their girl friend is regarded as an act of trying to woo her. even if the third party is well intentioned, she is still regarded as a threat and should be cast off.
the theory here is acceptable but of course it is debatable. i guess, the fear of being dumped and extreme jealousy are the reasons why. i used to be like that but soon i realised that it's pointless and a bit childlike. the relationships that we have are not normal and what's the point in protecting one? we are not like straight couples who are allowed to make public announcements that they are engage, married or divorce. we have to have a relationship behind closed doors and we have to live in a closet. announcing that we are gay is like giving people a gun to shoot us at point blank.
the relationship we have is not real and it will not last for an eternity. yes, we love her but we must also realise that it will not take us anywhere. perhaps we can act like a straight couple but it's not going to be easy and for how long do we want to pretend? for how long do we want to live in denial? we are Muslims for god's sake and there is nothing that we do or say can make us acceptable to the mass. perhaps we feel belonged when we are in the company of each other and we may feel that the world is ours when we hold each other's hand but did we even stop to think of what's going to become of us in the after life when resurrection happens?
i am not turning straight but i am just thinking one step further. yes, i have loved a girl so much before but i had to let her go because she wants to turn straight and i cannot stop her from doing that. i have loved another girl and i had to let her go too because she has found someone whom she thinks she loves more. no arguments and no fighting, i just let her go. i didn't need any explanations from her. when your time is up, you have to leave, that's what i believe. a lesbian i may still be but don't expect me to love my girlfriend like blood because i can't. not anymore at least.
whatever is going to happen, will happen and i will take it like how a man should. whatever happens, in the end only her love for you matters. whatever obstacles or challenges you face, if the love is stronger than any strength of the strongest man on earth, believe me the love she has for you will prevail. if it doesn't then it's time to move on. stop wasting time to fight or to win or whatever. it's silly and disgusting to fight over a girl for sex. ha ha ha... well what can i say what can i do, fighting over a girl is not and will never be my cup of tea.
you know what diary, sometimes i just want to live alone. adopt kids and take care of them like my own. having a girlfriend is good for you to have someone to enter into your world but it's too controversial and difficult. maybe having a sex partner suffices my sexual needs. how's that? *chuckles* silly me...well, whatever is in store for me in the future, i don't know. but i hope whatever i do to make up for the sins i have done balances the weight in the judgement day.
i think i am hearing it little by little and i think i am beginning to acknowledge it but i am still not buldging from my status as a lesbian, do you get what i mean diary? perhaps, all the praying, the quran lessons and the maturity give me a sense of truth and realisation, the only thing left for me to do is to be single minded to leave this life as i have lived it before. ironically, i can't...all i can afford to do now is to live life as a moderate lesbian or maybe a non-practising lesbian. whatever that means i hope i am given the opportunity to finish the course of my duty to taste success at least.
i still love them all and i want to be with them. i like to be around girls cos it makes me feel loved and wanted. my sexual desires can only be satisfied by fellow women and no men can give me the satisfaction i desire. it's not difficult until you want to do it sincerely until then you will be and will always remain as a lesbian. the only thing left for you to do is to think of the kind of lesbian you want to be. i want to be a successful lesbian with dignity and i want to make up for the sins i have commited by rendering service to the community at large. i hope i can and i hope He will acknowledge it so that i may have a place in heaven reserved for me to be united with my beloved brother and we will be one happy family once again, this time for eternity.
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