dream a little dream...

dear diary,

I am down with fever, flu and cough.my body feels weak, my throat hurts and my eyes are warm. I don’t mind the fever and flu but I hate the cough. My chest hurts when I cough and especially in crowded area, I had to control my coughing and it’s such a misery to have to control your cough when the throat itches. I went to bed early last night missing Legal Boston on TV. Damn!

I had a dream last night diary. This dream is rather a surprise because I have not talked or spoken to her for a long time and last night I dreamt of her. We spent the night together with each other and we slept together with one blanket. I couldn’t remember the dream vividly but it was a simple dream. Flying waitress was the main actress and I remembered we did something together, I think it was a picnic and we had long conversation by the sea in that dream. we were supposed to go somewhere but we ended up sleeping. I was feeling very cold and so I covered ourselves with the blanket and I looked at her face in that dream. Her eyes were closed telling me that she is in a deep sleep and I woke up. I dreamt of her a couple of times before, if I am not mistaken it has been 3 times now.

It’s funny when you dream of someone that has not spoken to you for quite a reasonable time. I have to fill in the entry form for hang tuah and hang jebat cat’s competition before I miss the deadline. Hang jebat is going into the kitten championship category while hang tuah is going into the household category. I am so excited for them and couldn’t wait for the result. I am hoping for hang tuah to be at least in the top 10 for household category. I am not expecting much for hang jebat though, it is just the exposure that I want him to have. I am having a project of my own. There’s a prize for best dress cage competition and I hope to win it. I have this batik concept of the cage cover and I am going to have a roof on top of the cage. I am not sure how it is going to look like but I am actually giggling a bit now trying to imagine how my little project will look like. I still remember how we were not prepared during the first competition and hang tuah’s cage looked so bare and bald. We didn’t bring anything to decorate his cage, not even a towel until someone lent us a towel. This time round, we are going to come prepared and hopefully we will win the best cage competition.

I am not sure where the competition will be held but the last time we had one was at downtown east pasir ris. Hopefully it’s going to be held there too cos I have familiarised myself with that place. Furthermore, pizza is staying nearby there and probably she can come and watch the show but I doubt it would be safe for her as she has a newborn baby. We don’t want her baby to be breathing cat’s hair into her lungs. I am going to call her anyway and see if she wants to come. Oh wait, the entry form said it’s going to be held there again at the D`Marque. That’s just perfect.

I am going to send little sister a letter diary. I want to buy for her something but I haven’t thought of anything yet. I want to send her something which can make her think of me. Something which needs not be so expensive but yet valuable at the same time. I am thinking hard now. Give me suggestions will you? oh…perhaps I could give her one of my existing worn t-shirt. I mean, that t-shirt represents me doesn’t it? It is mine for quite some time, I have worn it many times and it has my smell in it. It’s not dirty or soiled or smelly but it’s mine and I am giving what’s mine to her. Do you get what I mean diary? It’s not lewd is it? It’s not like I am giving her my soiled underwear. Oh for crying out loud…I think that’s a good idea. But the only problem is, I don’t know which t-shirt to give.

You see, the thing about me is, I am stingy with my property. I don’t mind giving money but I do mind giving away my tangible property. Oh wait!! I know which one of my shirt I want to give her. Alright…I think, tonight I am going to wear it to sleep so it can have my natural body odour stuck to it and I am going to post it after that.

Oh diary, please don’t give me that face, I don’t have bad body odour so I am sure she’s not going to get annoyed with my gift. Do you think she will appreciate it diary? I am sure she will. I know little sister too well, she’s humble and I am positive she will know what it means for me to give her one of my existing favourite t-shirt. It’s always like that isn’t it? Anyone of us can buy expensive or perhaps cool gifts for people easily but not many of us can part with our existing favourite gifts for people. It’s different from any usual gifts we think of everyday, it comes with a value and memories which money cannot buy. Well, I guess that is going to be her gift from me. My favourite old worn t-shirt and it sure smells good.

bits and pieces of the girls

dear diary,

i have been thinking of aramis a lot for the past few days and i am not sure if i am missing her. it's been a couple of months since we last contacted each other. i am just wondering how she might be doing and if she is in the pink of health. i hope she is and may she be safe and sound wherever she may be. i could have text her or give her a missed call but i am afraid to do so. something tells me that it is better not to do those things anymore. i would rather know that she is fine from the last time we contacted each other. anymore efforts after that would make me feel not at ease if the message is not delivered or a call to her could not get through. i might go into wild assumptions and i will get worried again. it's better to leave things untouched and undisturbed. if i were to remember her, i would like to remember her as the person whom i once loved and that she is fine and healthy. she hasn't text me and i haven't seen her online for a very long time, i never wondered why and i never asked why. i don't want to know anymore. for whatever her reasons are, i will respect her decision and at least i know she's doing fine the last time we met and i would like to keep it that way. because i know, any bad news about her or from her would tear my heart apart and she can probably live with it but i am not sure if i can. thus, it's better for me not to contact her but only pray for her safety from a distance.little sister is the person whom i should be giving my attention to now.

it's been a month and i am a happy person again. i miss her diary and i like the way she sounds on the phone when she is showing her care and concern over me. she sounds so angelic, soft and soothing that you would feel immediately at ease hearing her. i have to admit that i have become a little dependent on her emotionally because she never put me down. for the past years i have known her, she never fails to make me feel important and most of all loved. although there are some problems in our relationship, but i believe both of us can manage them. i like how my relationship with her works cos it does not presurrise me and it relaxes me.

little sister is easy to manage and that is her beauty. she's so beautiful you know diary. she's not complicated and she's not difficult. loving her is something worthwhile and i appreciate her very much. there's a missed call from corn pie and i knew she wanted me to call her back. i couldn't be bothered. i would rather save my phone card for little sister than corn pie. it's been awhile that we have not spoken to each other. i was supposed to meet her on february but i cancelled the appointment as i had too many people to meet. the last time i heard from her, she was toying with the idea to work in singapore. i am not sure if the plan has taken off. i think i have known corn pie for 6 years now. wow...it's been quite a long time. corn pie is ok but she likes to talk too much about herself which i grew tired of listening to. i was thinking, my god isn't there anything else we could talk about other than yourself on my bill??

i never had any serious matured conversation with her and i got turned off but she's good for company though. i would say she's someone you would go for if you are not eyeing for someone to discuss about over social and political issues. she can talk non stop about herself and her friends and if you enjoy listening to gossips, i am sure you would enjoy her company. she has very sweet voice however. her voice and her laughter can make any hearts melt. nice voice but without a substance...it's just too bad. i should give her a ring one of these days. would love to know what she is up to. i saw chicken pie online at YM last night. it was really a surprise as i never expected her to be online since she kept telling me her laptop or wait, did she say desktop is out of order?

oh well whatever...i was using a different nickname on YM that might give her the impression that i have en eye for someone else other than her. it was a blunder but i think she should know anyway. she asked what's the nickname was all about. i skipped her question and carried on my conversation with her on other issues. she wasn't friendly to me last night and i was busy as well. her toothbrush is still with me and i am having second thought of using it. ha ha ha...well it's the most expensive toothbrush i have ever bought and ironically not for myself, but for someone else who keeps on cancelling our appointment. she told me she's buying a new car for her sister and it's a MYVI.

i wonder what does she need a new car for when she has 5 cars at home parked unused. some people just like to shop on impulse don't they? if my skin is as thick as the elephant's skin, i would shamelessly asked her to put the car under my name. that can save me lots of money you know. *chuckles* taj mahal text me a very short message. she asked how am i and said it's been a very very long time since we last spoke. she sounded as if we have not been talking for a decade and it was as though entirely my responsibility to send her some news of myself. i replied her back and at the same time said i haven't heard from her for a very very long time either. wonder how did that message make her feel.

she's been in an accident and i was sorry to hear that from her. she told me that things might not work out between us and told me to move on with my life but i am welcome to remain as her friend. i knew i had that coming. taj mahal and i are never a couple but we did something that every couple did during my visit in february and i guessed that made us feel like we were attached. people change and feelings fade away gradually. the things about her is that, i don't know what does she want from me. she kept telling me not to have any hopes from her but still send me text message saying that i have change toward her and that i am no longer affectionate with her. but everytime i am being affectionate with her, she says things that would turn me off. like, as though she's playing hard to get and always expect me to be lovey dovey with her when she's actually not with me.

i don't understand that girl and i just think she's confuse and if she only expects me to break the ice and initiate, then i am sorry cos i have graduated from those days already. i never thought of her as my girlfriend anyway...it's just that we shared some good moments together for awhile but feelings changed because of circumstances, that's all. i have strong feeling she knows about this and thus told me such news to comfort herself that she's the one who want out and asked for it first. it's not so bad if you dumped someone than being dumped isn't it? as much as i want to make her feel good, i still have to see if she's worth it. nevertheless, we are still friens now and i guess that's just how far it will go.

changing for his own betterment

dear diary,

i am not sure if hang tuah is happy for the arrival of hang jebat into the family. tuah seems unfriendly but rather territorial with the house. everytime they played together, tuah seems to be bullying jebat and jebat would shout in protest or defence it seems. tuah is 2.5 times bigger than jebat, obviously it would be jebat who would be outstrength by tuah. i saw them play with each other many times and each time i saw them, tuah would be on top of jebat nibbling and most of the times biting jebat on the ear, stomach, feets or tail. jebat doesn't retaliate, he only lies down on the floor doing everything he can to defend himself, sometimes shouting so loud that he alarmed everybody. i am sure they were not fighting but i am sure tuah is very rough when he's playing. tuah couldn't even be bothered that hang jebat is way too small for him to play rough. the things about tuah is that he is timid with stray cats but he is not with jebat. probably to him, jebat has entered his territory, and in his territory tuah rules so i figured that's where tuah's bravery and ego come from. or perhaps, tuah knows that jebat is of the same breed as him and smaller in size and so he has the upperhand. rag dolls are not known to be fierce or violent and they are one of the breed of cats that is very suitable for children. but when they get together, they can be rough with each other cos i assume kittens are like children, playful and mischievious when they get together.

jebat has shown tremendous positive changes. comparing himself from the first day he was here, he is more brave and outgoing now. he roams around the house freely and he has learnt how to find his litter tray and food. he is exposing himself little by little and i am beginning to see the result of our determination and hardwork. it seems that our formula works and we need more time to change hang jebat until he becomes like hang tuah. this morning, when i woke up, tuah and jebat were lying on the kitchen floor waiting for me to feed them and it is the first time that jebat has become brave like that to sit on the kitchen floor on his own accord. he has begun to eat his food and drink his water without us bringing them to him. it is a good feeling to see him becoming independent like that. it is not a 100 percent positive change by him but it is enough to know that our efforts to make him change has bear its fruits and it is just a matter of time before we are able to harvest on the fruits. jebat still needs to get used to be carried and more human contacts. i have to carry him twice a day for 10 minutes each to make him feel comfortable with human contacts. the competition is on 17th july and definitely the judges need to carry him and inspect him. if he does not get used to being carried, there is a possibility that he will freak out and lose his chance to win at least the 10th place for the championship category. it is such a waste for kitten like him to lose an opportunity to be a championship. he has the championship qualities features, ironically his character has to be build up. tuah will enter into the household category since his features are not of championship quality however, his character is almost perfect. i guess God is fair to everything. u win some and u lose some.

oh yes diary, did i tell you i bathed them on sunday? i bathed both of them but at separate times. tuah was first and followed by jebat. it is so easy to bathe them and it is almost unbelievable. cats are always afraid of water but tuah and jebat did not at all struggle or ran all over the toilet to hide. although they did make some noise but overall it was easy. jebat was easier cos he stayed put at one place sitting however, he was noisier than tuah. you know diary i meant well when i did what i did and i think it is partly because of it too. i am so much of a believer now that immediately after i showered jebat, i read ayat kursi to him and stroke his body gently. i read out loud to him thrice and i prayed to god to make him change slowly for the better and like i said, i have begun to see his changes. well, i just believe that there are solutions to every problems and every verse from the quran if read with confidence and solid beliefs would help to cure and heal. probably, our formula works on its own but with the prayers it speeds up the process.

give that cat a warm welcome..

dear diary,

we brought hang jebat home feeling very earger and excited to show him to hang tuah. when i carried him into the car i really wonder how would it be like to have him in our house. i was hoping so much that hang tuah would welcome him and appreciate our efforts to find him a playmate of the same breed as him. hang jebat does not cost as much as hang tuah but i am not sure if that explains the drawbacks he has. when we first saw him, we knew he is not going to be like hang tuah. jebat seems to be very shy and fearful of noise and movements. worse of all, he is afraid of humans. he has a face that can win many hearts because honestly, he looks much better than hang tuah. his eyes are big and round and his features are of championship quality.

although i would say hang tuah is handsome but hang jebat is more charming and has looks to kill. i fell in love with his face the first time i saw him but i was apprehensive to take him in because of his characteristics. i believe he is naturally shy and timid and without good sufficient training from his breeder, he turned out to be a coward. there were only 2 kittens left to be adopted and the other one is friendlier but does not have championship quality features. therefore,we decided to settle for hang jebat although we knew the risk involved. when hang jebat was at home, his behaviour enforces our assumptions that he would be extremely shy and timid. he hid himself in places that took us hours to find and he starved himself until we brought the food to him. he pass motions all over the house on the first two days and he always hides himself somewhere he thinks he is not visible to people. in short, he is totally the opposite of hang tuah.

we thought of ways to make him change and we have decided to quarantine him in the kitchen to expose him to loud sounds and noises coming from downstairs. we tried to rearrange the furnitures in our house to give hang jebat less place to hide. if possible we want him to be exposed to everything but we know we can't do it in a day. it has been 4 days since he arrived and we can see he is making progress and has shown positive changes. he knows where to find the litter nowadays whenever he needs to release himself and he has grown moderately attached with hang tuah. they played catching with each other and sniff each other. hang jebat is still afraid of human contacts but we can see that he's already feeling comfortable with us slowly.

he allows me to touch him and rub his chin. he would curl up while i rub his chin and he would lie on the floor with his eyes close purring. that shows he is comfortable, however, he still has not wag his tail while he's purring and that means he is not 100 percent comfortable. we have lots of work to do with hang jebat compared to hang tuah but we are not giving up because we have good feeling of him and hopes that he will win the championship category. there is going to be another cat show this 17 july and i think it is still at pasir ris downtown east. i am eager to enter him into the competition and i have started to train him to be outgoing like hang tuah. hopefully i will succeed.

your hope lives on...

dear diary,

it's been awhile since i write and i have so many things to share with you. i hope you are doing fine and well there and is in the pink of health. i am doing good right now and i couldn't feel any better. few things first, i want to let you know that my study loan has been approved and the money has been transfered to my account. i am keeping my credit cards at home and leave home without them to avoid unnecessary shopping. together with my savings, i think i have sufficient funds to last me for the first year inclusive of the course fees.

anyway, i have told mum i will be financing myself on my own for the first year. the driving lessons have been going on smoothly and i have improved a lot on my drving skills. i am more alert now and focus on the road. i don't depend on my instructor to tell me what to do anymore although occasionally i do. i have started to drive on the test route and i am familiarising myself with the road conditions. i have to improve on my safety driving skills and be extra alert and confidence. i love driving you know diary, i think i just like to be on wheels. i enjoy riding anything that has wheels, from a trishaw to a pair of roller blade. i cannot wait to have my own car and i am sure i will spend my time a lot driving it.

as the test date is getting closer, i have noticed that i have so much interest and passion about cars. everytime i come across a bookstore, it's the magazine section that i'll be going to and i will search widly for magazines about cars. my imaginations will run wild and i would imagine that i were the one driving the cars featured in those magazines. i never like sport cars though, they look like colourful cockroaches on the road to me. i like tall and bulky cars which would give people the impression that they are built to last and be driven on any terrain. i like a car that would send a message to the observers and other road users that they are the king of the road because they are tall, bulky, steady, durable and handsome. i often dream that i would drive a Honda CRV some day and perhaps it will come true or maybe i would drive an even better and nicer car than it. we'll just have to wait and see.

dad has finally decided to build a house on mom's plot of land in malaysia. it was good news to all of us because we've been saving hard to do so but dad was not so keen about the idea and always discourage us from doing so. mom has never stopped praying that dad will change someday and i have joined her in her crusade recently and everytime i pray, i prayed hard so that dad will accept mom's relatives with open heart. there are many things that i wish and pray for and i have never gave up on hoping that what i pray for, would come true. dad has changed for the better and he has started to be open to any suggestions about the construction. he seems eager and excited about it and i thanked God for making our dreams come true. i hope that the change we see in dad is going to be permanent and never stop praying that our family will stay united and strong even if we are not growing in numbers.

phase one of the project is in the process and i think the house will be completed in 3-4 months tentatively. i often imagine that my late brother would still be alive and i am sure he would be as happy as i am. before his death, he had told me of his intention to present mom with some of his money so that mom could build the house soon. he was shortlived but his sincere intention was not and this house is built with some of his money. when we were discussing about it, dad had mentioned about him and how dad was sure that he would be happy too if we build this house. mom cried very sadly and i just looked down holding back my tears. i didn't flinch, i didn't move an inch and i didn't let the tears roll down my cheeks.

my thought was brought back to the time when he was hospitalised and how he had told me of what he wanted to do for mom. i remembered how serioud he looked and i knew he was sincere. he was a good man, never selfish and mean, always trying to please people as much as he can. he was the favourite among the uncles and aunties. i saw them cried during his funeral and i only realised how well-liked he was by people. i started to feel guilty and bad but what can i do and what can i say diary? i am only human with temperament and as much as i want to take back whatever bad things i have said to him, i still have to know, what's been said cannot be unsaid. i have to live with the fact that i have said very mean and bitter things to him during the time when he needed my support most. he was dying and i still said those things to him and may God have mercy on me!

i live with so much regrets now but i always try to comfort myself. i always try to divert my attention to something else. i didn't mean what i said diary. they were said out of anger from the years of tolerance. if i were to tell you the truth, i am sure you would have understand. i know God is fair and i am hoping too that God would understand. i have every reasons and excuses to say what i said but honestly, i really didn't mean it.

people usually say things they don't mean when they are angry right? i tried to do every bit i can to help him up. it breaks my heart to see him like that you know. i kept thinking that i was going to lose a big brother who was my saviour and hero. i tried to make it up to him but i was too late. he left me too soon without giving me a chance to make it up to him. perhaps i deserved it and have been condemn to live with regrets. i am not sure diary, but i know he knows i love him so much even though i didn't show it to him obviously. we are flesh and blood and there's nothing that can change that fact. it's his first death anniversarry this 1st of july and i am going to be there for him to make him feel saved and loved. for all the things i have done to him and for all the things i have said to him, i seek for his forgiveness from the bottom of my heart.

it's how we live now...

dear diary, allow me to speak to my brother ok.

assalamualaikum bakim, lama tak cakap ngan kau. banyak citer nak bilang kau sampai tak tau mana satu nak start dulu. aku rasa kita cakap pasal kucing dulu. hang tuah dah besar sekali. umur dia baru aje 8 bulan tapi badan besar cam gajah. jenis rag doll memang besar cam tu. tuah tu suka berkawan bila kita bukak pintu aje, dia diri depan pintu nak kuar sebab kat luar rumah tu ada a few stray cats that come and go as and when they like. tuah likes to be with them but we try not to allow him to be close to those cats physically or have any kind of contacts. we are afraid that tuah might be infected with any kind of disease of catch the fleece bugs from them.

ada satu kucing baru kat luar tau bakim. dia ni kurus tapi garang. semalam kita kuarkan tuah untuk main main pastu, kucing tu nak gaduh ngan tuah. tuah dengar kucing tu growling, tapi dia duduk diam aje tak buat apa apa. dia tak tau lawan balik. kesian. nasib baik ayah terus lari kat tuah kepung tuah dari kucing tu. he was so vulnerable that any humans would protect him. masa kucing tu growling kat tuah, ayah lari kat tuah nak protect tuah, and mom held on to the water sprayer to spray at the cat if he attacks tuah. aku duk kat balcony aje tengok kan dua orang tua nak protect something they adore. tapi sib baik tak ada apa apa berlaku. pasal kucing kan bakim, kita plan to buy another kitten of rag doll's breed. it's so easy to rear a rag doll. they are so people friendly, obedient and discipline. tak susah lah jaga rag doll ni bakim. senang aje...tak banyak kerenah cuma biasalah nakal nakal kucing aje. hari ni balim ngan aku nak gi tengok. kita plan nak amik jantan jugak. nak kasi nama Hang Jebat. he will be hang tuah's younger brother.

hang jebat ni kan bakim, murah sikit dari tuah. caterry dia jual cuma 900 aje. hang tuah kita beli 1200. aku ngan balim share tapi yang jebat ni aku tak nak share lah sebab i need to save all the money i can get for my studies. i have gone to the bank to apply for study loan and i have submitted my applications. i am waiting for the approval. harap harap bank loan aku approve lah jadi i can study at ease. yang aku pinjam ni tak banyak cos any loan below 8k does not need any official documents. eh stop, i don't want to go out of context. let's go back to hang tuah. ok..the website has got the kitten's picture. dia jenis cream lilac, muka dia putih semuanya. lebih banyak putih dari warna lain. mata biru, that's the identity of rag dolls. umur dia dah 12 weeks so we can actually bring him home already but the caterry is holding him back until 17th of july.

hang jebat ni kan bakim, muka dia memang ada championship quality. rag doll ni kan kalau nak masuk championship muka dia nak kena ada diamond shade. that's the criteria for championship category. hang jebat has this quality and so i guess that's why the caterry is entering him in the competition. so if we are really getting him, then we will have to wait till the competition is over. actually, hang tuah is also entering the july cat's competition under household category. mintak mintak lah dia menang lagi. hehehe..dapat food supply sama litter supply which can be of great savings to us. nanti malam ni balim pergi ngan aku kalau kita jadi beli jebat, aku bilang kau ok. ok lepas kucing kita cakap pasal aku pulak. bulan 8 ni insya Allah aku ngan mak gi KL register sekolah lepas tu bayar fees sekali. duit sudah ada cuma loan yang aku amik tu untuk stabilise my financial position as a student there. untuk tahun pertama, i will be financing myself, i require about RM25K. aku nak beli keter bakim tapi tak tau keter apa. what i have in mind is, Aero Sport, MYVI or kancil aje. kalau aku beli semuanya mesti solid white colour.

car is a necessity there and believe me i do need one. itu yang nak kena ada spare cash but not to worry cos even if i am there studying, i will still come back to singapore weekly since my boss wants me to work freelance with him. i need the income anyway. lepas duit insurance oklah tu kan? makan masak kat rumah ajelah..back to student's life. less money for leisure and shopping. aku ada important matters nak discuss with you. aku dah cakap ngan mak, first year memang i will be financing myself but come to the years after that i am not able to finance myself. memang dari dulu mak dah cakap nak support my studies financially but i am trying to be financially independent. if it's not 100 percent then at least i am 50 percent financially independent. bakim, duit kau tu sebenarnya mak nak gunakan untuk tanggung aku belajar. mak kata, memang kau ada pesan sebelum kau meninggal yang kau nak mak pakai duit tu buat kan rumah kat kampung. memang itu cita cita mak dan kau pun tahu she needs the money for the construction. tapi mak cakap, she cannot be selfish and she has to prioritise things.

mak kata, kalau boleh duit kau tu mak nak amal jariah kan untuk faedah diri kau sendiri dan dapat pahala yang berpanjangan hingga ke akhir zaman. duit kau tu banyak bakim, ayah selalu sedekahkan kat mesjid tiap kali ayah sembahyang jumaat. duit kau pada ayah tu ayah nak hajikan kau, ayah sedekahkan duit kau tu dan yang lain ayah simpan untuk emergency. memang aku ngan balim tak mintak mintak pun ayah duit skrng sebab we have enough for our own use and if possible we would like him to have early retirement. duit kau pada mak tu, mak nak gunakan untuk aku sambung belajar nanti. mak cakap ngan aku dengan air mata dia meleleh, dia pesan suruh aku belajar rerajin, capaikan cita cita aku. duit aku belajar sudah ada cuma yang penting aku kena usaha sendiri biar sampai ke destinasi. susah macam mana pun aku kena usaha. dia pesan kau yang akan tanggung aku nanti, walaupun kau dah tak ada, duit kau cukup untuk aku buat belajar nanti.

dia pesan kat aku suruh aku rajin sembahyang sedekahkan alfateha kat kau sama usahalah semampu aku untuk berjaya nanti. mak nangis masa dia cakap kat aku tu. yelah dia terkenang kan kau bakim. mungkin kata kata kau masih terngiang ngiang kat telinga dia. aku betul sebak masa tu, aku tahan air mata aku. sebak dia sungguh macam apa tu...menusuk kalbu kalau orang nak describe. dah hampir setahun masih sedih lagi. memang tak dapat kita lupa kau bakim. tapi aku nak kau ingat, walau di mana kita berada apa kita buat, kau masih tetap ada kat hati kita. memang jasad kau dah tak ada tapi kita percaya roh kau masih ada. memories that we had shared together are right here in our hearts. you are in our background like our shadows. kau jangan takut bakim, aku akan usahakan untuk pinjam loan dari insurance aku kalau aku tak cukup mungkin aku akan pakai jugak duit kau. aku harap kau halalkan duit kau tu ok.

nanti aku dah kerje aku bayar kau balik. jangan takut bakim, aku tak akan sia siakan duit kau dan harapan mak sama ayah. kau percayalah kat aku. it is just a matter of time. memang aku tak nak mintak ayah tanggung aku belajar, kalau boleh i want him to have a peace of mind. i can get by with whatever that i have. memang aku terharu bila mak cakap macam tu sebab memang aku tahu niat mak untuk dirikan rumah kat tanah tu. kau tahu bakim, banyak dugaan kita hadapi internally and externally. tapi tak apa lah itu semua dugaan. bakim, kau tahu kan aku sayang kau. dulu kalau aku kasar kasar ngan kau, kau jangan amik hati ok. kau ampunkan dosa aku ok. i admit that i didn't show much affection toward you but that didn't mean that i didn't love you. aku nak terangkan kat kau, apa pun aku cakap masa kau hidup, apa pun aku buat masa kau hidup, kita tetap darah daging bakim. kita besar sesama, duduk sebumbung, makan dari satu tangan. apa pun yang dulu tu aku tetap sayangkan kau.

memang aku kasar ngan kau tapi janganlah anggap aku tak sayangkan kau ok. kita adik beradik kan, kalau bergaduh tu aku rasa itu perkara biasa. kau maafkan aku ok. aku kasar ngan kau aku tahu. kalau aku terlepas cakap ke apa ke...janganlah anggap serious sangat. aku cakap masa tengah marah jadi i might have said things that were not music to your ears. aku menyesal bakim. sungguh aku menyesal. tapi deep down in my heart, you know that i love you. ingat tak masa kau tengah weak. kau dah tak leh jalan masa tu kan? kawan aku russia datang rumah kan? lepas tu kawan kau telepon, dia ejek ejek kau sebab kau sakit tak leh jalan. mungkin dia nak bergurau ngan kau tapi he forgot how sensitive sick people are. aku tahu bakim apa perasaan kau bila dia cakap macam tu kat kau. kau panggil aku, kau mengadu kat aku kan? kau ingat tak? aku sedih bila aku dengar dia cakap macam tu kat kau. aku tengok muka kau, aku tahu kau geram tapi kau tak leh buat apa apa sebab kau dah almost paralysed.

i just thought i wanted to do something for you, my brother. ingat tak aku telepon dia balik lepas tu aku maki dia cukup cukup? mesti kau ingat kan? aku rasa masa tu aku dah almost at the peak. tangan aku semua shivering sebab tahankan marah. aku rasa kalau dia ada depan muka aku, memang aku dah bunuh dia kan? *istighfar* tak lah macam tu cuma aku nak describe kan kau aje the level of my anger. aku hilang takut bakim. memang sungguh kalau dia depan aku, aku pukul dia sampai mati. kekadang tu kan, kalau orang sakitkan hati orang yang kita sayang lebih lebih lagi darah daging kita, kita datang satu perasaan yang sangat berani which can overcome all the fears in us. kau paham kan maksud aku? memang aku tahu selama ni kau yang protect aku, kau yang defend aku dari kecik, tapi masa tu dengan keadaan kau macam tu, i felt that it was my moral duty and obligation to protect and defend you. i just thought i would do that for you sincerely from the bottom of my heart. i was proud of what i did you know because i know, i did it for you, my own brother. puas hati aku bila aku marah kawan kau tu.

bila aku dah letak telepon tu, aku pergi kat bilik kau kan, kau pandang muka aku and i knew you were happy and proud of me. i can tell from the looks in your eyes. that was enough for me you know. it didn't matter what i did, but knowing that i have done something that made you happy and erased all the sadness away from your heart was a reward that's beyond sufficient. i never can forget that look on your face. kau tahu tak bakim, masa aku mandikan kau, bersihkan kau, suapkan kau, aku buat dengan ikhlas tau. jangan sesekali kau ingat aku buat sebab aku terpaksa ok. itu tanggungjawab aku. aku nak cakap kat kau, selagi aku hidup, aku akan sedekahkan kau alfateha, aku nak bacakan kau quran. jangan takut bakim, aku janji kat kau. kalau aku dah duduk kl nanti, ada kawan aku yang boleh tolong guide aku baca quran. jangan bimbang ok. aku nak mintak maaf banyak banyak kat kau bakim, dari hujung rambut sampai hujung kaki. kau maafkan lah aku bakim. kau masih hidup pada aku, aku tak pernah anggap kau sudah tak ada.

dalam hati aku kau masih hidup. bakim, kau tahu tak ada berita baik untuk kau. mungkin doa doa kita sudah dimakbulkan Tuhan. kau kan tahu selama ni ayah tak selesa sangat ngan sedara sebelah mak. kalau balik kampong mesti tak selesa. mak nak buat rumah pun macam tersekat sekat sebab ayah tak berapa suka. kau tahu tak sekarang dah nampak perubahan besar. sebenarnya, last saturday they went back to tangkak cos mak utih wanted to view and check on the progress of the construction of her house. i didn't follow cos i got my driving and my quran class. diorang pergi sehari aje tak tidur sana. aku rasa masa ayah kat sana, ayah dah tengok tanah mak tu besar mana. lepas tu dia pun dah tengok rumah mak utih. and from all the hassle of the current house, i think he is beginning to feel how pressurise it is to live in singapore. kau tahu kan aku ngan balim nak beli rumah kita sekarang ni. and we need to come out with 4 percent cash out of the total selling price. and he is already feeling the pain of having to pay cash for the house. ayah dah mula pandang jauh sekarang ni bakim. he can foresee the future now and he is looking ahead.

sunday morning, he joined our conversation and spoke to us about his intentions. dia nak buat rumah kat kampong bakim. dia cakap, buruk buruk pun at least rumah kita sendiri, tanah kita sendiri. tak yah risau tentang apa lagi. kalau ayah dah retire pun, boleh duduk kampung buat kerje kampung aje. makan apa yang ada aje lepas tu tak yah risau pasal duit rumah lah insurance rumah lah itulah inilah. ayah cakap kalau buat rumah kat kampung, dia cuma bayar bill aje pastu tak yah risau pasal duit rumah lagi. yelah bakim, nak duduk sini bukannya senang. nak kena kerje sampai tua baru boleh, lainlah kalau kaya raya. actually, i still think financial planning since you were young is crucial. itulah sebab susah camna pun i am not giving up on my insurance policies. memang aku selalu lepas sembahyang mintak doa ngan tuhan suruh bukak kan hati ayah untuk berubah sikap dia dengan sedara sebelah mak. mak pun selalu doa cam tu gak.

alhamdulillah doa kita selama ni dah makbul. mak dah buat sujud syukur, nanti aku pun nak buat gak malam ni. eh kau tahu kan..bank loan nak beli rumah aku ngan balim dah approve. so we can proceed with the process already. oklah bakim, aku nak buat kerje ni. ada project baru nak buat. kau jaga diri bebaik ok. next sunday kita nak bersihkan kubur kau. jumpa kau kat sana nanti ok. ingat yang aku sayang sekali kat kau. never doubt my sincerity ok.

let all toxics go to waste...

dear diary,

i window shop at novena square this afternoon and saw a new book store. i went in and browse through the range of books they have and one book caught my attention. it is a book about how to become a successful person in whatever field you are in. it is called The 100 most fundamental principles in becoming successful. i read through the book and i like what i read. it's simple to understand and straightforward. it's an account of true life stories by the author himself and how he rose to fame and fortune by applying those 100 principles into his daily life religiously. i flipped through the first few pages and i can see that this book contains the most honest opinions and tell all on how he became successful.

i might be buying this book soon and i just can't wait to get started on it. one section of the book that caught my attention greatly was about staying away from toxic people. i smiled widely when i saw the section and thought to myself that i have been doing the right thing. i've met 2 people in my life that seemed to distress me a lot and since then, i have stayed away from them. i am a happy person now, i breathe with ease and i have stopped feeling unworthy anymore since i stayed away from those two toxic people. it is true that people say, birds of a feather flock together. if you want to become successful, hang around successful people more often. you just have to be selective when it comes to choosing friends. you are better off alone than being with people who do nothing but only put you down. i live by that principle and so far it has do me lots of wonders.

do you still remember about my friend driver, diary? he did something that only enforced my opinion on him that he's not trustworthy. after all the trouble he had caused to rent the house from hippo, he asked a favour from me to use my credit card in the pretext that i only act as a guarantor for the rental of the car he was going to rent. he didn't explain to me in details about the procedure and i only got to know about it when i was there. he needed the car to transport his belongings to the new house and the car rental centre only allows transactions make through credit cards. something told me not to trust him but i helped him anyway and let him have the card to rent the car. he promised me that he will pay cash for the car rental fee and assured me that my credit card merely acts as a guarantor. i only found out yesterday when i received my bank statement that the rental fee was deducted from my credit. i called him up and made some enquiries pertaining to this matter and he tried to sound convincing that he had paid the rent by cash. he told me it could be the parking summon which i doubt. he promised to pay me back and i have grown so sick of him.

time and again i have told myself not to offer any kind of help to him anymore because i knew he is not trustworthy but i wouldn't listen to my inner voice and this is probably something which i deserved. i have to admit i learnt my lesson now and i am not going to be a mr. nice guy anymore. what he did was similar to what trouble did to me and i think i have to stay away from him from now onwards. these people are toxic and they only add nothing but miseries to my life.

let's gossip about russia

dear diary,

reporter called me when i was in quran class and she said that russia asked her for my number. she asked for my permission and i allowed her to give my number to russia. i couldn't help but to wonder why did russia have to do that when she has my number. perhaps she has lost it and couldn't recall my number. i couldn't really tell if she had call me because my family fetched me from class and we headed straight to JB after that. i was still using one mobile phone and so i had to switch SIM cards again. she probably didn't call me cos i did not receive any voice message neither did i receive text message from her.

russia told reporter that it was urgent for her to get my number and when i did not receive a text and voice message from her, i wonder what is her definition of urgent. i didn't call her from my maxis but i did text her and the message was undelivered. we have been quiet with each other and it was a surprise if we make contact. i knew from the beggining that russia and i were never meant to last long. naturally, i hate people to take control of everything and thinks she can rule me. the very first effort made by her to keep in touch with me when she decided to come to singapore in a rush already turned me off, what's more the rest of them. i never miss anything about russia and that is a shame cos am i not suppose to miss her? afterall, she was my girlfriend before, isn't it natural for ex girlfriends to miss each other sometimes? perhaps it is natural but not in my case. personally and honestly, i think i have never been in love with her.

the reason why i was with her was probably because i wanted to feel how it is like to be with a girl who dominates almost everything. in my past relationships, i have been the one who took control of everything and when i was with russia and had to be controlled, i became suffocated because i was not used to it. i felt like she was all over me and i got turned off. i was surprised by a few of the decisions she made and i only thought she could do better by looking at her background and qualifications.

it really enforce my belief that old age and colourful resume do not neccessarily reflect on how a person would think. she made my dad became suspicious and there is nothing she could do that i would allow to make it up for it. she completely turned me off. she has lost a little of my respect and she has not earned it yet. she doesn't have to anyway, we are hardly in contacts with each other so it really doesn't matter. perhaps my eyes act like an x-ray device whenever i was with her and i scanned and saw right through her. she probably was too transparent to me and perhaps i couldn't tolerate her flaws. perhaps...i didn't really love her and that's why she seemed to be so transparent to me. anyhow, i still think she makes a good friend.

do i have to...?

dear diary,

chicken pie called last night and during lunch today. i guess she knew i sounded down or less lively than always. i don't understand my mom sometimes diary. the day i am suppose to register for school in KL is drawing nearer and i feel that mom has indirectly made me become less excited about it. all these while i knew she has been supportive but i am not sure if she is because she's doing it to make me feel happy and sacrifice her own feelings or she's really happy because that's wht she wants me to do. no mom likes to be away from their daughters but we cannot always have our cake and eat it. dreams have to be brought into realities, visions have to be pursued, missions have to be accomplished and successes have to be achieved. we have to explore what the world has to offer us, it doesn't matter if we do it late or early in our life but we have to do it. we only live once and it's such a waste to let golden opportunities slip pass by us without making an effort to seize them.

i often tell myself that when one door shuts another always open and if a thing is worth doing it is worth doing right. mom said something last night which i might have misunderstood. i was turned off, sad and most of all, i was confused. what she said kept reminding me of my late brother. i have been feeling down for the past few days and i knew it's because of what mom said. it's natural for her to say that as a mother but it only made me feel reluctant to leave my family. we have one less family members now and i keep thinking of bad unforeseen circumstances that my family might be facing. i am afraid that i might not be able to protect my family because i am far but at the same time, i want so much to turn my dreams into reality. a lot of things are playing in my mind right now, i am thinking of all the opportunities i could have if i were there and i'm thinking of the opportunities i could have if i remain here. the bottom line is, i don't want to be here anymore and i know i will not be a happy person when i am at a place where my heart doesn't feel belong. sacrifices have to be made right? my only wish and hope is to make my family proud of me and happy with the things i do and the decisions i have made.

i have always prayed to God to make my journey to my destination a smooth one with less rocky roads and narrow sharp turn which could lead me to accidents if i am not careful. i believe in him and i know he listens to my prayers. he might have given me what i have always wanted already, perhaps i have overlooked all the wealth and successes i have achieved in life. at some point in your life, you have to be contented with what you have and grateful for what you have been given. i hope i am able to reach my destination safely without many big obstacles and i hope my family has the chance to watch me succeed.

there's a hero in everyone of us

dear diary,

little sister is having some problems and it involves another family. from the look of it, it seems rather serious. authorities are involve too and we just have to wait and see what's going to happen next. little sister has been blaming herself for what happen and i have been trying hard to tell her that's it not her fault. i know how it feels like, and it is terrible to be feeling such a way. it is always a matter of 'if only...'. she must have felt that if she hadn't reported it, things would not have become worse and she must have felt bad and guilty about it. i have been there and done that, it's a misery. for some things we did that we thought was simple and right turned out to be some things complex and wrong to some other people and it has created complications. overall, in my opinion it is not really her fault. it is only natural for her to take those actions and the culprit just have to face the music.

people say, when you do a crime, be prepared to do the time. you have to take full responsibility for things that you have initiated be it good or bad. i hope little sister does not feel bad about the whole thing anymore and i hope she knows she has done the right thing. it is just circumstances that complicate things than they already are. hanging tough little sister! i haven't heard from her for 1 day. i miss her so much and how i regret for not saving all her mesages in my phone. i got a few messages and phonecalls yesterday and i hoped so much that they were from little sister but i was dissapointed. i bought a new phone diary and it works differently than the old one. i have yet to get used to the operating system. i hope she is fine and has managed to remain calm. i was hesitating to buy this phone cos the main agenda this year is to grow my bank account fat and big. i spent too much last month on clothes and buying this mobile phone would add to the amount i spent unnecessarily.

i recorded the details for every penny i spent and i can see that my expenditures are decreasing monthly. it's a good sign, however, there are rooms for improvement if i can just discipline myself to curb my addiction to shopping. furthermore, i need another phone for my maxis. switching sim cards with one phone is a hassle and troublesome. i have promised myself to make up for the money i've spent and starve myself when i am outside. i only eat at home you know...it can saves me about 200 bucks monthly and that's how i make up for shopping unnecessarily. i have a reputation for being thrifty and i don't care anymore. i used to be spendthrift and what i regret most about it, i didn't benefit anything from it. wasted relationships, fake friendships and i ended up with nothing but high bills at the end of every month. experiences are indeed teacher for the fool and in this case, i happen to be the fool, a complete bloody fool. i don't blame them but myself, if only i had been wiser, careful and selective in choosing friends. for now, i have every reasons to be thrifty or perhaps stingy to some people. i need all the money i have to finance my studies there and i cannot be spending my time being worried of people labelling me as stingy or calculative.

life as a student will make me realise how much money i have been wasting unnecessarily, in a way it makes me regret for the way i spent my time, energy and money on people and not to myself. i can only look back and ponder why. perhaps i have enjoyed their companies and i like to be treated the way they have treated me. perhaps i was just being too generous at the same time stupid and did not realise it until it was too late because i was too stupid to even realise i was stupid. well, life sure is a jigsaw puzzle, it takes time for you to find the right piece of puzzle to complete it. you keep on walking in this life journey of yours trying and hoping that you would fine your hero. but you can't just keep on hoping cos if the hero doesn't come along, you just have to be your own hero.

it's just too bad

dear diary, please allow me to write to my brother ok.

assalamualaikum bakim, ni aku lah. dah lama tak tulis kat kau. banyak cerita nak bilang kau tapi bila dah tulis ada aje yang lupa. oklah kita cakap pasal family gathering sebelah mak dulu kat port dickson. boleh dikatakan semua datang hari tu. mak long yam, mak long zai, mak ngah anak beranak, kita anak beranak, mak uteh anak beranak, mak andak anak beranak, mak itam anak beranak, mak usu anak beranak sama keluarga tok lani anak beranak, yang tak datang cuma mak lang aje sebab mak lang sibuk amik course dah nak exam..ari tu kita gi johor singgah rumah maklang tumpang sembahyang dia pun tak ada. mak lang dah jadi very busy woman sekarang ni. abang long, abang ngah roy, zef, semualah ada. anak anak mak itam semuanya ada. si hanif tu tinggi besar orang dia, macam galah. badan dia very muscular and he is very masculine. kau tahu kan mak usu baru nikah, dia nikah kau masih ada bakim, sebulan lepas dia nikah baru kau meninggal. ermm, tak apa bakim, nanti insya Allah kita jumpa lagi satu hari nanti. memang dah dijanjikan lepas dari seksaan, bila kita dah suci bersih, nanti kita akan jumpa lagi kan. masa tu nanti kita boleh bercerita panjang lagi.

gathering tu start hari saturday sampai monday. ramai yang amik cuti monday tapi ida sama keluarga kita balik ari sunday. it was the first week of school holiday, all teachers in singapore are not allowed to go on leave during this period. kau tahu kan abang alim dah tukar field. dia jadi teacher for special education and he's taking a psychology course. dia kata kalau dah graduate and once he is qualify to be a psychologist, dia nak bukak clinic or to pursue further into the field in malaysia. mungkin kalau mak usu nak bukak clinic sesama dia boleh jugak. mak usu dah nak habis bond dia ngan malaysian army, but she's thinking of lecturing or continue practicing as a doctor. kau tahu kan memula ayah tak suka bila balim tukar field, dia nak balim terus aje jadi engineer. aku tahu sebab apa tapi malas aku nak cakap. masa balim bebaru tukar field, dia selalu lepaskan geram dia kat aku. aku aje yang kena dengar dia punya berleter. bila balim dah stable kat sini, barulah dia sejuk sikit. alah kau pun tahu perangai ayah kan. kau dah tak ada bakim, aku yang kena temankan dia. kau tahu kan dia bukannya suka sangat ngan keluarga sebelah mak. ada aje yang tak betul pada dia tu tapi kalau datang adik beradik dia, semuanya OK. apa yang KO pun boleh jadi OK. ego tak bertempat, garang tak berasas. apa activities kita ada masa gathering tu semuanya dia ejek-ejek kononnya macam lucu lah pada dia.

dia ketawakan keluarga sebelah mak macam mengejek ngejek gitu bila kat dalam hotel. mak diam aje tapi aku tahu mak kecewa ngan sikap ayah. mak nak balik ari monday ngan aku tapi dia yang tak kasi kononnya kalau boleh balik sesama. nak balik ari monday bukannya ada apa apa dia kata, lepas tu dia tengking tengking aku dalam hotel, dia cakap kalau aku degil ngan mak nak balik ari monday dia cakap 'this is the last time i will participate in your mom's family activities'. dia mengamuk macam orang dah kena rasuk. kalau ikutkan panas baran aku ni macam nak jotos jotos aje dia. aku terus angkat kaki aku keluar dari bilik tu. orang tengah marah cam tu lebih baik diamkan aje. he is still living with his past glories and wealth. itulah sebabnya harta arwah moyang kita tak turun pada cucu dia sebab kau sendiri dah tengok perangai adik beradik ayah macam mana. aku asyik berdoa aje ngan tuhan biarlah ayah berubah perangai dia. susah bakim kalau mak nak berjalan ngan keluarga mak. ayah tu macam king control. dia boleh marah mak seolah olah mak dah buat satu dosa yang amat besar kalau mak nak berjalan ngan keluarga sebelah mak.

aku tak paham langsung kenapa dia macam tu. dulu kalau kau ada, kau selalu temankan ayah bila mak nak berjalan. kau ajak dia gi pancing, gi jenjalan layankan dia nye kerenah tapi skng bila kau dah tak ada, susah bakim. aku penat layankan dia. aku dah bosan lah ngan perangai dia. nanti aku belajar ni aku tak pakai duit dia satu sen pun. kalau boleh memang nak macam tu sampai aku habis belajar. bukan aku sombong tapi aku rasa lebih baik aku buat macam tu. adalah sebabnya aku rasa kau sendiri tahu. duit savings aku, loan sama duit mak tu insyaAllah cukuplah untuk aku. kena hidup cara student kat sana nanti. kena hidup sederhana aje, tak leh mewah mewah. diorang semua tahu aku nak pindah sana, mak long, mak utih, mak ngah, abang ngah abang long semuanya tahu and they offer to help me find a place to stay. mak long yam ada bukak mulut nak dapatkan aku study loan dari shares yang dia main. mak pun ada invest sikit. itu diorang adik beradik punya nama and shares. tapi aku kalau boleh soal duit ni tak nak involve kan family. kalau boleh biar lah aku sendiri aje. lagi pun NTUC punya loan tu aku boleh apply cuma eligible ke tak itu nak kena tunggu upon approval.

i don't know if dad's side can even afford to make such offer. that's the thing i salute about mom's relatives. they are very united and helpful with each other. they started off from a humble beginning but have risen up to become professionals in their own fields. mungkin itu lah yang ayah tak boleh terima. kau kan tahu keluarga ayah selalu anggap mak ni orang kampung lah itulah inilah tapi look at where they are heading and look at the success rate mom's family have achieved. ada hikmah di sebalik apa yang terjadi, kalau harta arwah moyang tu dulu turun pada anak cucu dia, makin bongkak diorang tu semua nanti. kalau kat sini tak kemana lah harta pusaka.

aku rasa nenek tangkak lebih bijak. tak boleh baca, tak boleh tulis tapi semangat dia kental, jiwa kebal duduk sorang macam tu sampai boleh beli tanah pusaka besar macam tu. memang Allah tu maha adil dan harta pusaka dia tu turun pada mak sama adik beradik dia. tapi bila tengok harta pusaka keluarga sebelah ayah, lebih mewah lebih tinggi nilai dia tapi tak ke mana semuanya kena beli ngan government hasil dia cuma sampai ke arwah tok aje.

aku tak tahu sama ada the difference in locations play a part sebab arwah moyang kita tu kat singapore, arwah nenek tangkak kat malaysia. kalau kat singapore memeng pantang ada tanah lapang, mesti kena beli ngan government for developments projects. eh bakim, aku ada simpan hasrat kalau dah tua nanti aku nak retire duduk kat tangkak. mungkin masa tu rumah pun dah siap. cita-cita mak untuk dirikan rumah kat tanah pusaka tu. arwah ennek tangkak pesan pada mak, mak long, mak utih sama anak pak ngah suh buat rumah kat situ. busuk busuk pun kalau tak ada tempat nak tinggal, ada kampong boleh balik.

arwah nenek tangkak itulah satu satunya nenek yang aku sanjung tinggi tinggi. aku hormat pada dia sampai ke akhir hayat dia. aku kagum dengan semangat dia bakim. amat memalukan kalau aku tak boleh berjaya macam mana dia berjaya. i have to reach her level of success at least. itulah dia agaknya perbezaan orang yang hidup dengan harga diri dan jati diri yang kuat berbekalkan prinsip yang tak boleh dijual beli. kalau boleh aku nak bawak semangat arwah nenek tangkak ke mana mana aku pergi. i will carry her spirits at the background.

oh bakim, kalau tak ada apa halangan mungkin national day nanti aku ngan mak pergi KL nak register sekolah. i need to get the proper documents ready first and i need to ring the school first. uishhh kau tahu tak aku ada jugak nak apply kat UITM law faculty, dia kata melayu singapore boleh masuk tapi aku tak jadi apply. nasib baiklah aku tak apply sebab mak usu pun mungkin mengajar kat sana nanti. hehehe...nasib baiklahhh..oh abang ngah kata aku nak beli keter ke nanti bila dah duk sana, aku cakap lah aku ingat nak beli kenari aero. dia kata dia ada kawan kerje kat proton sama perodua kalau nak beli cakap kat dia nanti dia bawak kan aku. aku kata kat dia aku mungkin nak beli MYVI. cantiklah bakim! gambar dia kat website tu macam mazda 2, size dia pun sikit lebih kurang. 5 seated car and ada air bag sekali. dia ada 1 and 1.3 liter. engine dia pakai DVVT engine. seat dia pun boleh fold sama macam mazda2 punye model. aku tengok kat website dia pune dimension sikit lebih kurang aje ngan mazda2. jadi it can consider big lah jugak. cantik bakim!! kalau kau tengok pun mesti kau suka. tapi dia tak ada warna putih. kalau betul aku beli aku nak amik warna hitam lah solid. harga dia lebih kurang dengan harga kenari aero.

aduhai aku ni cakap macam orang banyak duit...hehehehe kalau tak, kancil ajelah nampaknya. hehehe aku cakap ngan abang ngah, mungkin aku duduk kat bukit antarabangsa, dia terperanjat beruk dengar. dia kata jauhhh sangat dari sekolah aku. dia cakap kat kawasan rumah dia orang sewa satu rumah RM300. kat kawasan damansara damai. mak usu kata nanti kalau aku datang ngan mak bulan august nanti, dia ajaklah aku tengok kawasan rumah tu semua. nanti dia ajak aku round KL tu nak tengok rumah sama college tu. mak usu skrng dah pindah bakim. dia tak duk melaka lagi, dia dah duk shah alam. zef pun dah duduk shah alam. zef dah beranak, ida pun dah beranak. anak ida handsome. comel. abang long dah dapat lagi satu anak lelaki. dah 3 anak dia. aai, baru tunang last 2 weeks. kau pernah nampak kan tunang aai yang sesama rewang masa ida khawin. kau masih ada masa tu. semua keluarga dah berkembang, cuma keluarga kita aje yang tak berkembang. sedih aku bila teringat balik. tapi tak apa, aku ada plan, aku habis sekolah dah kerje, dah stable, aku amik 4 anak angkat. 3 girls 1 boy. tapi nak kena tunggu aku habis belajar dulu lah.

hehehe...mungkin 4-5 tahun lagi. tak apa...nanti dapatlah mak ngan ayah cucu. aku tahu mak ngan ayah nak timang cucu tapi aku pun tahu they are not the pushy type of parents. diorang selalu ingat jodoh dan ajal di tangan tuhan. they believe in qadar and qadak, eh betul ke aku spell ni?? entahlah tapi kau paham kan maksud aku?

aku gi shopping ari tu bakim. aku beli levis lagi..hehehe..aku rasa satu almari aku dah penuh ngan levis. alahh levis nye jeans aje yang lawa, yang lain semua macam apa entah. aku paling tak suka guess punye jeans. entah apa cutting aje. aku beli tengah sale masa tu. aku rasa aku dah nak stop shopping lah. tapi kan, aku beli aku pakai apa, bukan macam ayah, dia beli tapi dia tak pakai. buang buang duit ajer. eh bakim aku kena stop dulu. nanti sambung lagi ok. kau jangan bimbang, kita selalu doakan kau. nanti aku tulis lagi.

love is in the air

Dear diary,

I have been away for quite some time and I have been busy lately. There’s not much of physical work but rather it was a lot of thinking job. Many things have changed since I have been gone. I have to admit that I have not been gone long but the period I have been gone is enough for me to write short stories of myself or the things I saw and felt. I kept thinking about you while I was away and felt that I have let you down for not writing. I did a lot of thinking and planning in my absence and I can say that I have been blessed. There are so many things and issues that I want to discuss with you and I hope you are not sick of it all.

One of the things that have changed about me is that I am now attached. I am not sure if I should be telling you who she is. You would have probably guessed it by now. I often talk about her in here and we didn't start off as friends actually. There you go a big clue for you and I just want to let you know that it all started with a heart to heart talk session. I love her diary and I knew I love her even before we have met. My only wish is for us to have the opportunity to grow old together. There are a lot of obstacles for us to face and each of us can only hope and pray that things will turn out ok. Her condition is getting serious and the doctor said that it has reached a critical stage. She has been coughing blood and I can only listen to the sound of her cough and cries. If only I could do a miracle and take away all her pain. If only I could give anything that I have just to cure her. She’s back to her hometown now cos her grandmother has passed away and she'll be back to kl today. She has to undergo a thorough medical check up soon after she lands in KL. Her mom is accompanying her and I wish I were there right next to her. I think about her every night before I go to sleep and at the same time I think about my late brother too. Two people I love with cancer and I am beginning to realize how deadly cancer can become. It hurts to know that someone you love is in pain silently and you can only do so much to help. For all the facts about her conditions, I strongly believe that miracle can happen.

I am afraid to lose her diary, and I swear if I were to lose her I will break down and cry. I’ve cried for her in my sleep and every time I cry my heart ache with anger. I have become emotionally dependent on her because she gives me the encouragement and motivations that I need to excel and knowing that our days are numbered is heartache. I usually do not think of reality when I am with her but every time she coughs or feel unwell, only then the reality sets in and I can only cry in my heart. I want to wrap her with my arms and keep her safe from harm, and if only my hug would make her feel better, I will never let her go forever. She has made me promised not to cry if anything were to happen and how could I when I truly need her. She has been in me spiritually for a long time. Whenever I am down, I do not have to worry about anything because I know, I have her. She has been there for me, all her emails, her sms and the things she said, they are all my source of strengths. Have you ever feel this way diary?

You feel so fearless because you know whatever happens; you have someone who will back you up. You have become emotionally dependent on her and she is like a dosage of drugs that you consume daily for a feeling of excitement and greatness. Every time, I hear her voice on the phone I will imagine that she is in front of me. She sounds cheerful on the phone and I admire her for that. It is not easy to be like that when you have been told things that are not music to your ears by the doctors. She is a brave girl and she deserves nothing but a whole lot of respect and love from me. all these while I never realized that I have found the one person who truly and sincerely care about me, the one person who keeps to her promises and the one person who loves me unconditionally and it hurts so much to acknowledge the pain she is suffering from. I feel for her diary, I have never cried for a woman before and when I cried for her I knew then that I love her sincerely.

I guess when you can afford to cry for someone, there is no doubt that you feel for that person. Even if it is not love at least there is a little feeling of bonding you share with her. I knew I cried for her because I have learnt to love her with all my heart and knowing that I have to let her go someday if the doctor's predictions happen to be right is such a painful thing to do. Perhaps a miracle will happen and I am not giving up on that. I will be by her side, I will bend till I break, and I will bleed till I dry if that's what it takes. I often hear a tinge of fear and sadness every time she speaks when she's really feeling the pain. She was coughing blood the other day and she told me how scared she was. She thought that she was coming close to death and while she spoke to me, tears rolled down on my cheek. I tried hard to hold it back but I couldn't.

As much as I want to help I have to admit that I am only human with no superpowers. But I am not giving up diary, whatever time that she and I have, I am going to make sure that it is worth it and time spent well. I will take care of her however I could and I will make her the happiest girl on earth. I will put a smile on her face everyday and I will shower her with my love. You should have listen to her on the phone diary. Hear how she speaks and listen to the tone of her voice. She sounds sweet and beautiful like a rose blooming in summer with the afternoon sun. My little sister has become my soul mate, she has become the woman of my life and my unconditional love for her has grown stronger day by day.