your hope lives on...

dear diary,

it's been awhile since i write and i have so many things to share with you. i hope you are doing fine and well there and is in the pink of health. i am doing good right now and i couldn't feel any better. few things first, i want to let you know that my study loan has been approved and the money has been transfered to my account. i am keeping my credit cards at home and leave home without them to avoid unnecessary shopping. together with my savings, i think i have sufficient funds to last me for the first year inclusive of the course fees.

anyway, i have told mum i will be financing myself on my own for the first year. the driving lessons have been going on smoothly and i have improved a lot on my drving skills. i am more alert now and focus on the road. i don't depend on my instructor to tell me what to do anymore although occasionally i do. i have started to drive on the test route and i am familiarising myself with the road conditions. i have to improve on my safety driving skills and be extra alert and confidence. i love driving you know diary, i think i just like to be on wheels. i enjoy riding anything that has wheels, from a trishaw to a pair of roller blade. i cannot wait to have my own car and i am sure i will spend my time a lot driving it.

as the test date is getting closer, i have noticed that i have so much interest and passion about cars. everytime i come across a bookstore, it's the magazine section that i'll be going to and i will search widly for magazines about cars. my imaginations will run wild and i would imagine that i were the one driving the cars featured in those magazines. i never like sport cars though, they look like colourful cockroaches on the road to me. i like tall and bulky cars which would give people the impression that they are built to last and be driven on any terrain. i like a car that would send a message to the observers and other road users that they are the king of the road because they are tall, bulky, steady, durable and handsome. i often dream that i would drive a Honda CRV some day and perhaps it will come true or maybe i would drive an even better and nicer car than it. we'll just have to wait and see.

dad has finally decided to build a house on mom's plot of land in malaysia. it was good news to all of us because we've been saving hard to do so but dad was not so keen about the idea and always discourage us from doing so. mom has never stopped praying that dad will change someday and i have joined her in her crusade recently and everytime i pray, i prayed hard so that dad will accept mom's relatives with open heart. there are many things that i wish and pray for and i have never gave up on hoping that what i pray for, would come true. dad has changed for the better and he has started to be open to any suggestions about the construction. he seems eager and excited about it and i thanked God for making our dreams come true. i hope that the change we see in dad is going to be permanent and never stop praying that our family will stay united and strong even if we are not growing in numbers.

phase one of the project is in the process and i think the house will be completed in 3-4 months tentatively. i often imagine that my late brother would still be alive and i am sure he would be as happy as i am. before his death, he had told me of his intention to present mom with some of his money so that mom could build the house soon. he was shortlived but his sincere intention was not and this house is built with some of his money. when we were discussing about it, dad had mentioned about him and how dad was sure that he would be happy too if we build this house. mom cried very sadly and i just looked down holding back my tears. i didn't flinch, i didn't move an inch and i didn't let the tears roll down my cheeks.

my thought was brought back to the time when he was hospitalised and how he had told me of what he wanted to do for mom. i remembered how serioud he looked and i knew he was sincere. he was a good man, never selfish and mean, always trying to please people as much as he can. he was the favourite among the uncles and aunties. i saw them cried during his funeral and i only realised how well-liked he was by people. i started to feel guilty and bad but what can i do and what can i say diary? i am only human with temperament and as much as i want to take back whatever bad things i have said to him, i still have to know, what's been said cannot be unsaid. i have to live with the fact that i have said very mean and bitter things to him during the time when he needed my support most. he was dying and i still said those things to him and may God have mercy on me!

i live with so much regrets now but i always try to comfort myself. i always try to divert my attention to something else. i didn't mean what i said diary. they were said out of anger from the years of tolerance. if i were to tell you the truth, i am sure you would have understand. i know God is fair and i am hoping too that God would understand. i have every reasons and excuses to say what i said but honestly, i really didn't mean it.

people usually say things they don't mean when they are angry right? i tried to do every bit i can to help him up. it breaks my heart to see him like that you know. i kept thinking that i was going to lose a big brother who was my saviour and hero. i tried to make it up to him but i was too late. he left me too soon without giving me a chance to make it up to him. perhaps i deserved it and have been condemn to live with regrets. i am not sure diary, but i know he knows i love him so much even though i didn't show it to him obviously. we are flesh and blood and there's nothing that can change that fact. it's his first death anniversarry this 1st of july and i am going to be there for him to make him feel saved and loved. for all the things i have done to him and for all the things i have said to him, i seek for his forgiveness from the bottom of my heart.