do i have to...?

dear diary,

chicken pie called last night and during lunch today. i guess she knew i sounded down or less lively than always. i don't understand my mom sometimes diary. the day i am suppose to register for school in KL is drawing nearer and i feel that mom has indirectly made me become less excited about it. all these while i knew she has been supportive but i am not sure if she is because she's doing it to make me feel happy and sacrifice her own feelings or she's really happy because that's wht she wants me to do. no mom likes to be away from their daughters but we cannot always have our cake and eat it. dreams have to be brought into realities, visions have to be pursued, missions have to be accomplished and successes have to be achieved. we have to explore what the world has to offer us, it doesn't matter if we do it late or early in our life but we have to do it. we only live once and it's such a waste to let golden opportunities slip pass by us without making an effort to seize them.

i often tell myself that when one door shuts another always open and if a thing is worth doing it is worth doing right. mom said something last night which i might have misunderstood. i was turned off, sad and most of all, i was confused. what she said kept reminding me of my late brother. i have been feeling down for the past few days and i knew it's because of what mom said. it's natural for her to say that as a mother but it only made me feel reluctant to leave my family. we have one less family members now and i keep thinking of bad unforeseen circumstances that my family might be facing. i am afraid that i might not be able to protect my family because i am far but at the same time, i want so much to turn my dreams into reality. a lot of things are playing in my mind right now, i am thinking of all the opportunities i could have if i were there and i'm thinking of the opportunities i could have if i remain here. the bottom line is, i don't want to be here anymore and i know i will not be a happy person when i am at a place where my heart doesn't feel belong. sacrifices have to be made right? my only wish and hope is to make my family proud of me and happy with the things i do and the decisions i have made.

i have always prayed to God to make my journey to my destination a smooth one with less rocky roads and narrow sharp turn which could lead me to accidents if i am not careful. i believe in him and i know he listens to my prayers. he might have given me what i have always wanted already, perhaps i have overlooked all the wealth and successes i have achieved in life. at some point in your life, you have to be contented with what you have and grateful for what you have been given. i hope i am able to reach my destination safely without many big obstacles and i hope my family has the chance to watch me succeed.