love is in the air

Dear diary,

I have been away for quite some time and I have been busy lately. There’s not much of physical work but rather it was a lot of thinking job. Many things have changed since I have been gone. I have to admit that I have not been gone long but the period I have been gone is enough for me to write short stories of myself or the things I saw and felt. I kept thinking about you while I was away and felt that I have let you down for not writing. I did a lot of thinking and planning in my absence and I can say that I have been blessed. There are so many things and issues that I want to discuss with you and I hope you are not sick of it all.

One of the things that have changed about me is that I am now attached. I am not sure if I should be telling you who she is. You would have probably guessed it by now. I often talk about her in here and we didn't start off as friends actually. There you go a big clue for you and I just want to let you know that it all started with a heart to heart talk session. I love her diary and I knew I love her even before we have met. My only wish is for us to have the opportunity to grow old together. There are a lot of obstacles for us to face and each of us can only hope and pray that things will turn out ok. Her condition is getting serious and the doctor said that it has reached a critical stage. She has been coughing blood and I can only listen to the sound of her cough and cries. If only I could do a miracle and take away all her pain. If only I could give anything that I have just to cure her. She’s back to her hometown now cos her grandmother has passed away and she'll be back to kl today. She has to undergo a thorough medical check up soon after she lands in KL. Her mom is accompanying her and I wish I were there right next to her. I think about her every night before I go to sleep and at the same time I think about my late brother too. Two people I love with cancer and I am beginning to realize how deadly cancer can become. It hurts to know that someone you love is in pain silently and you can only do so much to help. For all the facts about her conditions, I strongly believe that miracle can happen.

I am afraid to lose her diary, and I swear if I were to lose her I will break down and cry. I’ve cried for her in my sleep and every time I cry my heart ache with anger. I have become emotionally dependent on her because she gives me the encouragement and motivations that I need to excel and knowing that our days are numbered is heartache. I usually do not think of reality when I am with her but every time she coughs or feel unwell, only then the reality sets in and I can only cry in my heart. I want to wrap her with my arms and keep her safe from harm, and if only my hug would make her feel better, I will never let her go forever. She has made me promised not to cry if anything were to happen and how could I when I truly need her. She has been in me spiritually for a long time. Whenever I am down, I do not have to worry about anything because I know, I have her. She has been there for me, all her emails, her sms and the things she said, they are all my source of strengths. Have you ever feel this way diary?

You feel so fearless because you know whatever happens; you have someone who will back you up. You have become emotionally dependent on her and she is like a dosage of drugs that you consume daily for a feeling of excitement and greatness. Every time, I hear her voice on the phone I will imagine that she is in front of me. She sounds cheerful on the phone and I admire her for that. It is not easy to be like that when you have been told things that are not music to your ears by the doctors. She is a brave girl and she deserves nothing but a whole lot of respect and love from me. all these while I never realized that I have found the one person who truly and sincerely care about me, the one person who keeps to her promises and the one person who loves me unconditionally and it hurts so much to acknowledge the pain she is suffering from. I feel for her diary, I have never cried for a woman before and when I cried for her I knew then that I love her sincerely.

I guess when you can afford to cry for someone, there is no doubt that you feel for that person. Even if it is not love at least there is a little feeling of bonding you share with her. I knew I cried for her because I have learnt to love her with all my heart and knowing that I have to let her go someday if the doctor's predictions happen to be right is such a painful thing to do. Perhaps a miracle will happen and I am not giving up on that. I will be by her side, I will bend till I break, and I will bleed till I dry if that's what it takes. I often hear a tinge of fear and sadness every time she speaks when she's really feeling the pain. She was coughing blood the other day and she told me how scared she was. She thought that she was coming close to death and while she spoke to me, tears rolled down on my cheek. I tried hard to hold it back but I couldn't.

As much as I want to help I have to admit that I am only human with no superpowers. But I am not giving up diary, whatever time that she and I have, I am going to make sure that it is worth it and time spent well. I will take care of her however I could and I will make her the happiest girl on earth. I will put a smile on her face everyday and I will shower her with my love. You should have listen to her on the phone diary. Hear how she speaks and listen to the tone of her voice. She sounds sweet and beautiful like a rose blooming in summer with the afternoon sun. My little sister has become my soul mate, she has become the woman of my life and my unconditional love for her has grown stronger day by day.