when two becomes one

Dear diary today is going to be the day where I have made history. I made a big decision today and I know it is going to be worth it. I am not surprise with myself neither have I regret with the decision I made. I knew I am going to make it one of these days and when I have made that decision, I knew I made it because I wanted to. Nobody influenced the decision I have made and I did not make that decision in the favour of anybody except myself. I am not sure if it is going to work according to all the promises in the package but I am sure every party involved will try to make it work. It is time to move on and a time to stop looking back. This is a time to move forward and not backward. Memories will not be forgotten neither will they be perished. I am keeping them safe in my heart and mind because I know I still need them to boost my spirit. I will not ask myself why I did it instead I am going to ask myself how I am going to make it work.

It has been a long time and I guess it is a time worth waiting for. As much as I want to escape from it, I cannot deny the fact that I am abnormal. Time and again I have written my thoughts on who has the right to say that someone is abnormal. I began to realize that I was living in denial. I have to admit to you, my dear diary that I have failed. This soul of mine is crying out loud inside wanting to be heard and waiting to be noticed. It hopes that I realized my ultimate desire. But how is that possible when I have to acknowledge that I was born abnormal or perhaps should I say imperfect? Help me diary, help me find the answer. Am I the chosen one to lead a life abnormal like this? Are we all the gay people special in His eyes that he has chose us instead of them to become gay? Why did we turn out to be like this? Is He trying to see how far we can go? Is this our ultimate test of life?

With every step I walk, I never failed to think about it, with every breath I make, I never once stop asking. If only I could just wake up one day into a new woman with new personalities, if only I had been born normal. I feel I am closer to Him nowadays than before. I feel that I am more mellowed nowadays than before but I am only human with feelings and emotions, with desires and lust. I tried so hard already but it didn't want to go, perhaps I didn't try hard enough. I don't know diary. It hurts so much to be like this. The thought of my late brother came into my mind and it almost breaks me down. I have disappointed a lot of people especially my family and if only they knew how sorry I am. With every look I took at my parents, my heart sank to the bottom. It feels so heavy and the weight is almost unbelievable. I need fresh air diary, I need to compose myself, and I need guidance for a better tomorrow because I am afraid to die without preparations when I know my days are numbered.