dear diary, i had the weirdest dream ever last night. it was scary but quite comical. the characters in the dream were hippo, myself, a loanshark and his gangsters, mum, dad and a child who happened to be mine. hippo borrowed some money from a loanshark and i was her guarantor. she couldn't pay the loanshark and now the loanshark had sent some gangsters to intimidate us. hippo persuaded me to run away from singapore to avoid the loanshark. she wanted us to escape to thailand and never to come back to singapore. i refused because it would create a lot of problems and i don't want to be an illegal immigrant in a country and i don't want to live in fear.
i adamantly refused while she continued to convince me to run away. after awhile, i got news that my mum was killed by the gangsters and a child, a baby in fact was also killed and that child happened to be mine. the gangster burnt the child to death like how we barbecued chickens. they tied the child to skewers and placed her near to the fire and let her burn. in that dream, i remember vividly how the child died. it was so brutal and wicked, most of all it was sad that they could do such a thing to a child. hippo continued to persuade me to escape to thailand. after hearing the news of the deaths, i finally agreed with her that it was necessary for us to escape to thailand because it was getting serious and violent. the dream was so real and it seemed like it was happening in reality.
hippo and i hurriedly packed our bags and i saw my dad looking at us. i heard some knocking on the door and it was dad waking me up. i woke up and was drenched in sweat. this hardly happened but when i woke up and realised that everything was a dream, i let go a sigh of relief and how thankful i was to know it was just a dream. it's crazy, scary and i think the most frightening dream i have ever had. i remember i was so scared in that dream especially the time when i received news of the death. it's just something that i never thought i would dream of. after waking up, i realised that almost all my pillows dropped to the floor. i must have had a very rough night...
diary, i am looking at my toe right now and i am smiling to myself. it is without half a nail and it looks ugly and unusual. the doctor said it will grow again but it will take a long time for it to grow. so can i consider myself abnormal now? everybody has full grown big toe nail but i only have half grown toe nail. the other half is missing and my flesh is exposed and it is very pink. i touched the flesh and i am fascinated with it. there's nothing extraordinary with it but it's just something which i don't get to see often. i mean, the flesh is supposed to be covered by the toe nail but since half the nail is gone, i am actually able to touch this part of my flesh which is usually impossible for me to do. do you get what i mean?
i am actually able to feel it! *grins* it's so soft like baby's skin. *chuckles* excuse me diary but i am just so excited being able to see, touch and feel something which i don't get to see, feel and touch everyday. it is like, a big fat man who has to depend on the mirror to see his own little brother because his belly has grown too big and has block his view. he lost weight and his big belly is gone and now, after so many years he is able to see his own little brother without depending on the mirror. that is the other senario.
diary, do you remember sveaty, the bear russia gave me for a birthday gift last year? hang tuah has made him his sparring partner. he was afraid of sveaty in the first place. after awhile, they got better acquainted and have become boxing buddies. i would use sveaty to punch hang tuah and hang tuah would retaliate by biting and scratching him. i think hang tuah knows that sveaty is lifeless and only moves when i made him moves so he is not afraid of sveaty anymore. he uses all his fighting skills to attack sveaty whenever he likes and i can tell if sveaty is really alive, hang tuah would have been scratched to death looking at the way hang tuah handles him. hang tuah is a coward because he only is brave with the vulnerable.
there are 2 stray cats outside the house and one of them is known to be a bit fierce. he is very small compered to hang tuah but his fighting spirit is so big that it scares hang tuah away. everytime we open the gate hang tuah always runs out of the house to the corridor and the cat will come near him sniffing. hang tuah would do the same too. now, ragdolls cats are known to be very adorable cats, they do not know how to fight and they are not violent. they are friendly cats and they love humans and other cat's companions. after sniffing each other, the cat slapped hang tuah's face and hang tuah would just sit still with his head looking down as if he couldn't understand why was he slapped when all he ever wanted was to be a friend. it has happened many times until we became worried for him and disallow him to hang around at the corridor anymore. he just doesn't know how to fight back and to defend himself.
a natural reaction is for a cat to slap back the cat which has slapped him but i think that natural stereotype reaction does not apply to ragdolls. so this enforces my opinion that ragdolls are only playful and naughty with someone or something which he has got comfortable with. hang tuah plays rough with my brother and i. if he wrestles with our hands, he would occasionally bites and scratches our hands. if he wrestles with sveaty, he would do the same thing to sveaty but he just gets timid with unfamiliar things or other cats. therefore, this makes us aware that hang tuah may not know how to survive if he is lost. he only eats premium cat's food and nothing else.
he doesn't know how to defend or to protect himself. he is like the pure house cats which doesn't know how to survive on his own. in comparison with human, he is the equivalent of the rich men's sons or daughters who are so used to having people do their house chores that they don't know how to do them on their own. it is a lucky thing that we have planted a chip that carries our details and home address at the back of his neck. if he gets lost, he can easily be detected from the chip and we can locate him and get him rescued. i cannot imagine how would all of us feel if he is lost. it would be very worrying and i am sure we will all not be able to sleep peacefully at night until he is found.
dad probably will be the most worried one. he has grown attached to hang tuah and feeds him every morning before he leaves for work. he pampers hang tuah and i can see that hang tuah is getting spoilt. we have repeatedly told dad not to mix his dry and wet food in the morning because wet food is only to be mix with his dry food in the evening. we encourage hang tuah to eat only dry food in the day time. since dad started to take over the feeding job every morning he has broken the rule and thus hang tuah refuses to eat his dry food in the day time and will not eat it at all until evening when we mix his wet food together. we don't have the heart to watch him starve himself anymore so we just leave it to dad to feed hang tuah however he likes. nevertheless, we made sure that dad doesn't feed him with wet food on its own because the most proteins come from the dry food.
i am so sleepy now diary. wouldn't it be great if i could just go to my room and lie in bed with aramis or chicken pie or taj mahal...i get no excitement nowadays even when i am thinking about them. don't get me wrong, i still love girls but i get bored easily. i don't know who i really want anymore. being single seems to make me happier than being attached. it's great to be single you know. you got all the time, money, energy and goodies all to yourself. you don't have to share and it is easier to make decision. if you are attached, you have to think of her and making decision takes longer because you have to consult her first and if a decision has been reached unanimously it is great but if it isn't, arguments and misunderstanding might occur and they give nothing but misery.
i think i am changing a lot but it's hard to say probably because i have not met a girl that i think is worth the attention. aramis has no doubt stayed put in my heart but i've grown tired of her game. i will probably still end up alone cos i am beginning not to believe that gay relationship is worth it. i prefer platonic relationships than sexual nowadays so that i can still go out there and explore what the girls have to offer me. being tied up with a relationship is like having one of your leg chained to her leg. your movements are restricted and your every move is being watched. i hope i can find a girl who is intellectually stimulating because to me that is sexy. i define sexy like that and she needs not have to reveal her body, it's all about the brains and not the skin. sexy is more than just a pretty face, sexy is having a certain quality that enable people to get attracted to you not on the merits of your looks or body, sexy is about having a magnetic characteristic that people just can't have enough of and sexy is about natural beauty that comes from within. it's really tough being sexy according to my definition isn't it? screw me...*chuckles*
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