dear diary, it has been two weeks since i last visited my late brother. my schedule is so tight now that i hardly have time to myself. i am always busy attending my driving lessons on saturday morning, attending my quran class on saturday afternoon and probably go to JB after that with my family and be home as late as 1-2 in the morning. it is becoming my fixed routine and i feel exhausted sometimes. sunday is the only day that i can have to myself but that is only before June because i will be having my driving lessons on sundays in june and july as the test date is drawing nearer then.
i am not sure if i will have enough rest and sleep but i do not mind because i know this year is going to be tough for me. apart from stripping my shopping budget for the whole year, i know it is the year where my mental and physical energy is required most. i am getting used to it and believe me it can be quite fun actually. i feel so energetic and like i am walking on a treadmill. you just have to keep on walking to stay on the treadmill and be consistent with the speed. there is no idle time and i feel that not much of my time has been wasted. it is quite amazing.
i bought some videos in JB last saturday. one of them is `Sepet' and i can say that it is a good film with good dialogues even with simple story line. i have read about the reviews before and taj mahal have given me some of her opinions on it and i know i have to watch it. i like it very much because it touches on the reality and it brings the audience to internalise with the story, it captures the audience's attention to think with the writer. take for example, orkid's best friend is so crazy over american actors and anything hollywood is so great to her. this is true in reality, have we noticed how our society easily accepted foreign talents and think highly of them but do not think like that towards our own local actors. it is like everything and anything that comes from the west is so perfect and vice versa.
we try to copy their ways and styles and ended up being so unoriginal. i have come across people who speak english like the african americans in chatrooms and i had so much difficulty understanding what the hell they were trying to say. it's about the spelling because they literally spell the words according to the african american slang and i just don't get it. i was just thinking to myself, why do we have to speak english like how they do when we have little or zero verbal influence from them. is speaking good and easy to understand english not enough that we also have to keep up with the accent and slang as well? perhaps some people have the perception that since most of us dress like them, we also have to sound like them when we speak in their language without passing that subject in schools ironically. another thing that caught my attention was when they were talking about the race they think that is most laziest. it makes me think why are the malays is always associated with lazy. personally i do not agree if there is any race on earth that is created to be lazy. it is a very subjective issue and in my opinion, lazy is one characteristic in an individual which if not controlled can be very disruptive to one's success rates.
lazy is one of human's characteristic that can be found in every individual regardless of race, background and religion and i guess it is up to the family conditioning and that person himself to stop that characteristic in him from growing and becomes a part of his flesh and blood. in that film, Jason asked orkid what happened to the malay film industry, it is no longer producing flms like the ones during P.Ramlee's days. i just thought to myself don't we have good malay films nowadays? we do have capable malay film directors and producers that have made good and impressive malay films don't we? to name a few, people like Shuhaimi baba, Aziz M. Osman, Uwei Shari, Erma Fatima, Datuk Yusof Haslam and many more. these are the people who have kept the industry going with their own specialties.
we have to have diversities and it is natural that one man's meat maybe another man's poison. we cannot expect that every films made will be a success so i just hope that people will stop saying repeatedly that the malay films nowadays are of no quality because it's absolutely wrong to say that. we have come a long way and credits should be given to film makers for trying instead of endlessly and mercilessly criticising them. what is even appalling is to support pirated copies of these films. it is sad and unfair to them and to those who support pirated products, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. ultimately, i am impressed with the film although it has a sad and mysterious ending. i never like stories which have a hanging ending. orkid never knew that jason met with an accident and i couldn't tell if he had died from the accident because orkid's phone call to jason was answered and i strongly believe that the writer wants the audience to conclude their ending according to their own imaginations and preferences. it was overall a good film, one that interacts with the audience's minds. watching the film made me wonder if mum and dad were like that when they just met.
little sister just text message me and apologised for being quiet again. i don't really mind actually because i never expect her to send me news of her daily what's more when we are communicating by mobile phones. it's costly come to think of it. she has been hospitalised and i don't really know what is her condition now. i hope she is fine and well and the hospital stay is only for routine check up and nothing serious. she's so sweet asking for my address to send me birthday gifts. she said she will send me her photos and i am really looking forward to see the pictures than the present. i truly appreciate little sister's friendship diary, i feel happy and glad that i have known her but at the same time, i am also afraid of losing her.
i don't mind if we have lost in touch but i am afraid if she would be gone like my brother. there's nothing left for me if she's gone. life would be quiet and i know i will feel a little incomplete because i know all these while even if she is missing, she will come back to me and i will have her all to myself again as my little sister to share my life stories and to update her on the happenings in my life. however, if she is really gone and never coming back, my life stories that i have reserved for her will be permanently stored in myself and it is sad not to be able to share with her. she has always been that one person after my brother's death that makes me feel strong because she listens to me.
she makes me feel brave and confident because i have to act like a big sister towards her and ultimately, it makes me bolder. i don't feel timid anymore and i do feel important to her. i have had my brothers to look after me and to protect me from harm and when one of them is gone, i feel so handicapped and afraid sometimes. little sister helps me to overcome that fear and i am thankful for that. i love her diary and i hope i am given the opportunity to grow old with her together.
i have to remind dad to pay my late brother a visit this sunday. it's been awhile now and it's about time to visit him. i keep thinking about him everyday and how things were when he was still alive. they made me gloom and angry. i was always thinking about the things i could do for him which i didn't when he was sick. there was a time when he asked if i could accompany him to the 7-11 nearby. it was late at night and i knew he asked me because he knew he couldn't make it there alone.
he was getting weaker diary and i could have followed him but i didn't. how i regret so much for not accompanying him. i feel so much hate for myself. i wish he knew how sorry i am diary. if only i could know how he was feeling when he was leaving us, if only i could know if he has forgiven me for all the shouts and snide remarks i passed at him. if only i could hear his voice one last time and if only he could have given me a sign that lets me know he will be fine. i talk to him in my thoughts. it's like a silent conversation i will create between him and i. i enjoy it and i smile to myself thinking of all the good times we had. one week after his death, i collected some of his personal belongings and put them in a box.
i photocopied the newspaper orbituary section where his picture and our warmest wishes displayed. i kepth them in the box. it has a few pictures of him too. they were taken in KL when he was there to meet his girlfriend. it was a coincidence that his girlfriend passed away a few years before his death. she had asthma and i remember how he cried when he received the news. i felt sad for him and knew how much he loved her because he never cried for a woman like that before. i knew he had plan to marry her and i knew he would be in KL by now if both of them had been married. my brother was the most happiest person when he was with her. he was madly in love with her and i can see she was serious with him too. she died and he moved on untill he passed on and they probably will meet in heaven.
i am not sure but i knew she was that one girl my brother loved so much until his death. i don't know what's going on in the other world, the only way for me to find out is to end myself or wait for my turn to get there. that is one place i know i will get to no matter how long or how difficult it takes. i am not ready diary, but i know i still have to leave when my time is up. it's sad to leave the loved ones behind and it's even more scared to leave without preparations. i'm doing my best now diary and i hope i am successful. i heard it's not going to be easy for people like me to be there. it's hell and nothing is good about hell. like i said earlier in my thoughts to you, we do things at our own risk and if it's time to face the music, just shut up and face it. there's no escape this time and no superhero to save you. you are all on your own and it's all between you and Him and only then you will know how mighty He is and that you are nothing at all compared to Him.
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