Dear diary,
things are getting serious and I don't know what to do and how to react. Honestly, for the first time I feel so lost for words and answers. It is very difficult to be in a situation where emotions are involved. It will just make you feel difficult to make decision. Every word you say counts and you just don't want to say the wrong words or say something when you meant another thing. When I got to know her, she wanted me to take her as my little sister and that was what I did. I have registered in my brain that she is my little sister and the love that I am going to shower her is a love of a big sister to a little sister. It’s been almost 2 years and I haven't changed that because I never thought it would be happening. The truth is out now and I am in a dilemma. I just don't know what to say anymore. She wanted to be honest with me and to let it out, I listened and I heard her. I have decided to be fair to everybody and told her to take it easy and give herself sometime to be sure if it is just infatuation or if it is real love. I think I can manage with all the issues here but I am just not sure if I can manage them well. I told her to wait till I am there for good and see how it goes from there.
She text message me many times about this issue and by reading between the lines, I think I perfectly understand her desire and her deepest feelings about the whole thing. I am beginning to have a soft spot for her diary. The things she said in her text messages and the things she has done for me proved that she is serious. She speaks the truth and said that it's not possible for something to happen between us. I just had to find out why and I asked her. It proved that it was my biggest blunder. I was asked to ask myself if I can love her the way she wanted me to love her, I was asked if I can love her like how she has love me. For the first time, I was at a loss for words and I left her message unanswered.
If it were any other girls, I would have easily put my vocal talent into effect but no, not with little sister. I cannot do this with little sister because I knew I have loved her like blood. The feelings I have for little sister is purely of a pair of a sibling. I feel the need to protect her and to shower her with love because I feel that it's my moral duty and my responsibility. I have loved her since the day I knew her and I still love her but I am not ready to take it to the next level yet. I still need time and I don't want to rush things. There are many things which are uncertain right now and I would rather play it safe and slow than fast and dangerous. Little sister deserves nothing but only the best treatment from me and if I want to take it to the next level, I must make sure that I want to do it. However it goes, I cannot break her heart because I have considered her like my own flesh and blood. I will let no one or even myself to hurt her.
Chicken pie did it again and honestly I have grown tired of it all. She reached Singapore as scheduled but somehow she got so busy with her cousins that she forgot to call me to make appointment for breakfast. I didn't go to world trade centre on Sunday morning because I knew she would not be there. She called me at 9 in the morning and apologized. I kind of knew it would happen and I got even more turned off. I bought the Braun electric toothbrush for her to hand carry the gift and present it to her face to face. I planned to make it a short but sweet meeting for us but it proves that we probably are only meant to meet once and only get comfortable on the phone. If that's the case then I can easily ignore her mushy names for me.
She told me she's coming back on Wednesday and hopes to meet me in the evening. I didn't say anything to that neither did I look forward to it. I told her straightforward that we probably are not meant to meet more than once even if we are at close proximity. She apologized again and she sounded like she felt bad and guilty and I just smiled at the tone of her voice. I might have to meet hulk one of these days to use his courier service to mail the toothbrush to chicken pie. I guess that will be my last gift for her. I couldn't wait for her phone call once she received the toothbrush. she would surely tells me she's buying something for me and asked me what do I want like as if I am so hard up about it. What is even more unbelievable, the gift would never come and I kind of knew she was just saying that for the sake of formality. She always talks but never walks her talk. It is probably one of her flaws even how much I think she likes me. A leopard cannot change its spots and people just cannot change their habit easily even for the one they like or love. If I were to go steady with her, it would probably be this that I have to put up with and I don't think I can.
I don't know why I am saying all these. Perhaps I knew little sister is there to back me up and I knew she loves me unconditionally. It is good to have someone who can love you unconditionally and most importantly, delivers her promises. Have I told you about the birthday gift? I don't mind about the gift but it's the attitude in herself and her effort to keep to her promises that makes me admire her. She’s worth it you know diary...she is really worth it. She’s not like the other girls I have known who brought nothing but miseries to my life. Wait a minute, I had probably been a bitch to them first that made them such a bitch to me. Anyway, those kinds of girls can kiss my ass goodbyes. They only look you up when they need something from you and need you to do them a favour. Girls like that can go to hell and don't deserve my attentions. I am an angry girl again diary...look at what chicken pie has done to me. This is what happen when you have tasted too much of something and you cannot stand it anymore. *chuckles* I am fine diary, don't worry about me. In law, there is such a thing as 'cooling off period' and therefore, I would like to call this session my own 'steaming off period'.
Taj mahal is quiet and I think she is probably busy with her school work. Her exam is just around the corner, having law exam is something which you do not want to get sidetrack. It requires lots of focus and attention. Lots of readings need to be done. She is probably buried in her books and has grown white hair all over her head or probably has gone crazy and been admitted to a mental institution for law terminologies overdosed. *grins* wait till she hears about this and she would be tickling me all over. I love it when she touched me. She ran her fingers through my hair when we spent the night together and it was a good feeling.
You know what I am afraid of? My greatest weakness has always been girls; I can be such an angel around them. I am not faking my kindness neither am I being superficial but that is who am I. i like being around girls and i enjoy their company very much. As a result I sometimes developed feelings towards more than one girl at one period of time and those girls may response to my feelings which resulted in chaos. How can you love more than one girl at one time or having more than one girl to like you at any given period of time? You become much divided in your attentions and it's hard for you to focus on just one girl. You get caught and people started to accuse you of being superficial, play girl or in plain simple Malay, gatal. *chuckles* I am sure there are many who are facing the same problem like me out there.
It’s just so hard for them to admit. Well, at least I have something that I can be proud of about myself; owning up my weakness. However, I have to let you know diary that I don't sleep with girls easily. I flirt with them but I don't sleep with them. Flirting does not always end up sleeping together does it? Well, nobody likes to be labeled as a playgirl or to be called gatal but somehow; you just have no control over circumstances. I seldom initiate things, but I just wanted to be close with girls and perhaps in my effort to do that, I might have been misunderstood by the jealous girlfriends of the girls I have known. It can get crazy and out of control sometimes but I know when to stay away and everything will be fine after I have stayed away. It’s always like that and I am glad it just stops there. Perhaps I haven't come across anybody who is a psychopath lunatic girlfriend. *grins*
Oh diary, do you still remember Sandakan? She is like my email pal nowadays. We always exchange emails and I have gotten to know a bit about herself and her background. She seems nice and honest in all her emails. I am being a little secretive towards her. I just don't want her to find out more about me. I have never been so secretive and mysterious towards anyone before online and she is the first one. It’s probably because after bad experiences with few people and I have grown wiser with the experiences. It is true that people say, experience is the teacher of a fool.
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