dear diary, i am not sure if i am the only one in my family who is feeling this way. on saturday, my brother offered to send me to darul arqam for my quran class. i rejected his offer not wanting to burden him but he insisted and so i reluctantly agreed. i wasn't being proud or anything like that when i refused but i was just afraid if anything would happen to him. i was afraid that he would meet with some mishaps along the way and oh diary *sigh* ...i don't know what's going on inside my brain. everytime i am home, i want all my family members to be home with me.
i want to watch them and i want all of them to be under my nose. i don't want them to be away from me because in my thoughts i wouldn't be able to watch them and keep them away from harm. i was just thinking if anything were to happen to them, i want to be around them. if i can't save them at least i want to be near them to give them a feeling of comfort. dad wanted to go out on sunday noon for a hair cut. when he was about to leave, i didn't want to let him go. i felt like pulling him back to the house with all my might. i knew that was crazy so i stood at the door watching him leave praying in my heart to keep him safe. tell me that it was normal for me to be like that diary.
tell me that it is natural for me to feel that way. i just don't want to lose another one of my family anymore. i know they have to leave someday but not now at least or in the coming years. just let me have the opportunity to provide them with the happiness and wealth i have planned for them. just let us be together for a long long time before one of us have to leave. i am not ready yet to watch another one of us leave again. i read and watch the news everyday and there are always people who died from illness or accidents and i know now that it could happen to anybody in any family. i don't want to go through it again diary, at least not in the near future. i am living in fear now you know...i am afraid that i have to wake up with news that is not music to my ears. i am just so afraid, very afraid.
i keep imagining that if i were to be left alone in this world to take care of myself, would i be able to? i have always had my family to watch over me, if i have a bad day in school or at work, i know that i can come home to the warmth of my family. i know i will be okay when i got home and share my stories with my family and they will definitely make me feel fine. but when they are gone and i am left all alone, things will be different and i just have to get on with life on my own. i have always felt closed to my late brother. when i just started school, he was in the same session with me and he looked after me.
everytime i spent my pocket money on something which i wasn't supposed to, he was always there to make sure i had enough to eat sacrificing his own meals at times. tell me how am i supposed to carry on without him and my family diary? they mean so much to me and i don't think i will survive emotionally without them around. all these while i thought i was strong but i was wrong. my heart is so delicate like china and it is cracking now slowly. i hope that my prayers are answered and that my family and i get to be together for a long long time before one of us have to pass on again.
we went to the cemetary on sunday afternoon. it has only been two weeks but it feel like a very long time since we last visited him. i felt sad when i was there. i kept reflecting on the past and still think and hope that after all these while, what has happened was a dream. mum, dad and my eldest brother read some prayers for him. i just sat there and watched his grave with regrets and anger. i am not sure if i will ever overcome my feelings but i am sure it will be a very long time till i am able to. i cannot help to think that i was the caused of his death. somehow or rather the things i said and the things i did to him led to his death. i feel sorry for what i had said to him and i regret so much for not being able to take it back.
if only i had been a little more sensitive towards his feelings, if only i had been more mellowed and remorsed. i tried to make it up to him for what i have said. i helped to take care of him more than my other brothers did. i helped to carry him, washed, bathed, fed and cleaned him but still i felt that they were not enough. i needed to do more and i am hoping so much that i am able to read the quran by end of this year. i am progressing now little by little. it is tough to catch up with the class but i am learning it at my own pace. i am able to recognise the words, spell and read it slowly now. i tried to read 'Yassin' on my own without the help of any
romanise words and i was successful in reading the very first phrase. it took me about 5 minutes with the picking out of the 'mad', 'ikhfa' and then spelling it. i feel more confident now and i want to get myself a Quran soon. i am very excited diary. the quran module 2 is a little fast for me and i am really confuse because the ustaz has started to teach us on tajwid and i just realised there are so many rules on tajwid which i need to understand first. i need to refer back to my notes and get the rules registered in my brain.
i have noticed that the plants we planted on his grave have grown bigger and out of shape. that reminds me to bring a pair of scissors the next time we visit him. sometimes i really wonder if he knows we are there paying respect to him. i really wonder if he would be sitting among us while we read him the prayers. i wonder too if he would be waiting for us to come visit him and would he be dissapointed if we didn't. i ponder at those thoughts sometimes and muse what would he be doing in the other world. i hope that all of our prayers for him have reached him and are doing him good. i hope that all of us will meet again someday when we have been freed from our sins and live together again as one happy family.
my eldest brother took us to little india Muthu's Curry for dinner after the cemetery. it was our second time there and this time we managed to try their naan bread. the first time we went was in the afternoon and they don't serve bread in the afternoon. we got there just in time for dinner and it was just perfect timing. i ate 3/4 of the plain naan with fish head curry, masala chicken and sambal mutton. mum and dad had white and beriyani rice respectively. i didn't finish my share of bread, i just felt that i am eating lesser and lesser. i think my stomach has shrunk cos i definitely can't eat a big portion of food anymore. Muthu's curry is one of the popular indian restaurant among singaporeans. it has big crowds almost every night and is even popular with the expatriates of any race living in singapore. the meal was good but i would prefer the food at the turkey restaurant in arab street better.
driver did it again and this time he really made me mad. i am just so dissapointed with him diary. hippo complaint to me about him and i told her that it's really up to her to rent the place to him or not. she has seen and deal with driver a few times now and it suffices to judge him. i told driver to grow up and be a man and have some decent courtesy to call or at least inform in advance if he is not able to show up for appointments. he gave me excuses and i shut him up. i am sick and tired of helping him, he didn't appreciate my help and i don't see any reasons for me to be polite and nice with him anymore. my sympathy goes to him but i cannot be helping him anymore. driver has crossed my line too many times and he ought to be ashamed of himself. time and again i have told him never to take my kindness and help for granted but he wouldn't listen and he has to face the consequences now. he can consider himself lucky if hippo still wants to rent him her place. i don't want to influence her decision anymore, i may not want hippo to take the risk but ultimately hippo owns the place and everything is all in her hands.
i received a phone call from big sister on sunday and she wished me a happy belated birthday. i knew she would be wishing me that when i saw her name displayed on my mobile phone screen. big sister has never failed to wish me happy birthday. even how late it is, she will always make an effort and i just think that it's very sweet of her. our relationship may not be like before but it is enough that she keeps it a point to remember my birthday. she has found love with someone else and i guess she just moved on from where i left her. i didn't treat her right anyway.
i have to admit that i get jealous of her girlfriend sometimes, but i know she deserves the happiness her girlfriend gave her which i cannot give. i broke her heart diary and she hated me for that but i knew her love overrides her hatred for me and that's why we are still friends now. big sister has nothing in physical appearance that would made my friends believed i had something going on with her. i think they would probably be rolling on the floor laughing at me. it's strange because i have noticed that i usually fall for someone simple even though my taste is high to be exact but i just get frighten with girls i consider attractive. in my mind i just thought that they are difficult to handle and has a high maintenance prerequisites. big sister is the opposite and was very caring towards me when i first met her. she was like the loyal housewife every husband would want. she cooked and washed my clothes for me.
she scratched my back to make me sleep and she fed me with her hand. she took care of me so perfectly fine that i fell for her. curly fries knows about big sister and i. all she said was i am who i am whatever she meant by that. things between us didn't work out, she found out i was attached with traveller and backed off. she called me a liar and i only shrugged her off. well, at least i apologised and we remained friends. traveller knew of what i did with big sister but she didn't ask me about it and i just let it be. looking back i have realised that i have broken so many hearts and when i got my heart broken, i finally realised how painful it is. *chuckles* what goes around will comes around. well, i don't regret anything, they and i are still friends and neither of us are at the losing end. i can live with that...
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