Dear diary, I saw kiddo online last night on YM and I left her alone. I didn't chat up with her not wanting to make things uncomfortable between us. There is nothing serious about it but I have noticed that every time we chat we ended up having misunderstood each other. Things have not been tense between us because I never take those misunderstandings seriously because I know they are just purely misunderstandings from grudges over old issues. I dumped her over aramis and I was bold and insensitive towards her after the break up. She kind of feel cheated, disappointed and upset with me so I guess every little simple misunderstanding can turn ugly.
I was about to forget she was online when she chatted up with me. We exchanged greetings and I didn't pay full attention to her. She felt it and asked if I was busy. She called me many times and I answered her only once. Then she accused me of raising my voice at her which I didn't. What’s even funnier is, we were chatting on YM and how could she tell if I had raised my voice at her when she couldn't even hear my voice? I knew then it has started so I let her talk alone occasionally being defensive when it's necessary. I didn't take her accusation seriously and I just played along with her. I chatted with her about other stuffs and things got better.
What I notice about tension building up, is one party must be calm and cool. The good thing about kiddo is she may be young but she is easier to handle than Pontianak. Pontianak is just so complex who complicates simple things and always thinks she is right and everybody else is wrong. I just cannot argue with Pontianak because when you talk to her on general matters she may think that you are attacking her and she starts counter attack you back and leave you wondering what did you say wrong or do wrong.
She takes silly jokes seriously and thus gets offended easily. Honestly, I never come across any human who is so difficult like that. I might be insensitive with my jokes and tease but I couldn't help to wonder how come it is only with her that I have a problem conveying my messages and not everybody else? Things are always not right with her but either way, I believe she has some good qualities which I might have overlook. Perhaps I have misunderstood her the way she has misunderstood me and both of us just didn't want to acknowledge that. Let’s get back to kiddo, shall we?
When things got better we talked about more juicy stuffs like cars, life and religion. From the boring chat session it has turned into interesting conversation. Kiddo told me she has started driving on the roads without a license. She has even driven a car from KL to Pahang and I just listened to her. I was not surprise but I was more afraid for her. I wouldn't do that if I were her, there are too many risks involved. She seems so cool about it and not to worry a bit. That is not something you want to do in Singapore. The penalty if you are caught is too much for you to risk. Kiddo has changed a lot after we broke up. From a very decent and timid girl to a very wild and daredevil.
I have heard stories of her and the things she does to make her who she is. Some are shocking and unbelievable but some are just normal stuffs girls her age do for kicks, fun and thrill. I feel like she has gone for some personalities reincarnation. She is so different now that you wouldn't believe what she was like when she was with me. A close and trusted source told me she changed because of what I did to her. I knew that was coming and I didn't need anyone to tell me that. Kiddo once told me openly that I was the caused for all the bad habits she picked up today. She told me how much she hated me and wish that she had never known me but still we are friends now. This is what people say, we say things we didn't mean when we are angry. I guess it's true.
Kiddo wants to get herself a motorcycle, a big race bike so that she can go riding with her friends. She mentioned something about 'combo' which I tried hard to figure out what she meant by that. It was actually convoy and then I understood. She used too many slang and languages which I simply do not understand. Often I asked her back what she meant and she got fed up with me for not being able to figure out. How am I supposed to when all the language and the slang seem all so foreign to me? Imagine if I had used Singaporean slang in our conversation, I am sure she wouldn't have been able to understand what I said too.
We moved on to religion and I told her about the Newsweek report that interrogators in the Guantanamo Bay camp threw the holy Quran into the toilets to rattle Muslim prisoners. It has created quite major reactions from the Muslim world all over the world and it is something which is very despicable and rude. US secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has been very disturbed by the news and demands immediate investigations about the allegations. Newsweek has retracted back the reports claiming that the report was a mistake. Kiddo was angered when she knew about it, it seemed that she just came to light about the news and this proved that she has not been reading the papers nor watch the news.
Kiddo spoke passionately about what she thinks and I reflected on the things I used to do with her while we were together. She was so vulnerable back then, very soft-spoken and always clinging to me like a baby when I was with her. I wonder sometimes what it would be like if we would have stayed together. She was still hoping for me to get back to her after the break up, she came to JB and stayed for one night just to feel close with me. I came over to meet her before leaving for Penang to meet aramis. I knew she was hurt and I let it be. In my mind at that time was all about aramis, everything I did, I did it for her. I don't know if you would have blamed me for it, but what would you do if a girl you genuinely fell in love with came back into your life after she has gone missing for 3 years?
You waited patiently for her hoping and praying that she would come back and when she did, you are with someone else. I swear that aramis means so much to me. She makes me feel happy all the time. Just one text message from her can make me smile all day long. A missed call from her is enough to make me excited. It’s those simple things that only I know make her who she is to me. It feels like magic you know...it's in the way she speaks to me, it's in the way she teases me that I have no words to describe. I loved her and I love her still and it hurts me to feel like this. Aramis is too special for me that I cannot afford to forget her or to hate her even if she has hurt me like crazy.
I am sure that everybody has someone like aramis in his life and I think they would agree with me that it is painful to be in love like this. This is why I am so afraid to fall in love again. I know I will leave her for aramis if aramis comes back to my life and I don't want to hurt anybody anymore. Kiddo is a nice girl which I turned into little monster. How much I want to make it up to her, still I think it can't compensate for all the pain she has suffered. I still wish she would know how sorry I am for the troubles I have caused her.
I asked kiddo if she has started praying which she told me she wanted to. She wanted to come clean first, she said she feels that it is pointless if she prays but still leads a life like that. She adds that she will pray when she has turned over a new leaf. All that talk reminded me of oldie and how kiddo has exactly repeated what oldie meant about it. I believe many of the people like us have that kind of ideology where it is pointless to pray when we are gay. Being gay is sinful and some of us see it as a waste of time to pray. I cannot deny that I do think like that sometimes and how it affected me so bad.
I get depress easily thinking about it and began to think how unworthy I have become in His eyes. But I started to counter my thoughts with logic and I realized that no matter how I lead my life, I am still a Muslim and I have a responsibility to fulfill. I may not be strong enough to fulfill the responsibility to leave my life as gay but I do know I still have my conscience. Being gay will definitely not stop me from fulfilling my other duties as a Muslim. If I can do things which add nothing but sins to my existing sins then I definitely can do things which add credits to my existing credits. There are many other things that you do which can lead you to collect more sins than credits and vice versa.
I was just thinking to myself that if there are times when you try to avoid doing sinful acts, there are of course times when you try to do as many good deeds to add credits to yourself. We do what we can afford to do whether or not they are accepted as credits to our name that is not for us to decide. If we wait till we turn over a new leaf completely to start praying, I am afraid that it might be too late. How would we even know we would have the opportunity to do so? Do we have time when we know our days are numbered? I cannot afford to let every opportunity slip by me without taking a chance to make full use of it. As much as I realized where I will end up being a practicing gay, I also do not want to give up fighting for a place in heaven with what I can within my reach. It is so simple in Islam to earn credits and sins, we just have to know what do we want to do and we cannot at all time limits ourselves. I guess my reasoning made some sense to kiddo and I just let her be by herself and her own thoughts.
We spoke about cars next and I know kiddo has more interest in cars with manual transmission than automatic. She speaks so strongly about cars with manual transmission and began to sound like a manual transmission car salesman or activist. *chuckles* personally, I know the pros and cons of a manual transmission cars than auto cars and I have always preferred manual cars but I am afraid that I get tired easily when it's traffic jam. My friend, sporting has repeatedly advice to get an auto transmission car as it would do me good in the long run. Furthermore, I have just learnt how to drive and she doesn't think that I can easily get used to the roads conditions in KL with a manual transmission car. I don't know diary, but I love driving and the art of driving is to master how a manual transmission car works does.
Driving an auto car is easy but it can also be boring. There’s not much footwork to be done and if you are so used to driving only auto transmission cars, you will tend to forget how to drive a manual car. That’s what happen to my cousin and she is so afraid to drive a manual car now. Kiddo and I exchange views on cars and for the first time after we broke up, I think that was the most fun conversation I have ever had with her. We started off rough but we got back right on track to how it was supposed to be.
I told her that if my budget doesn't meet the requirements to purchase a car I might end up driving the caravan with the cows pulling it. Both of us laughed and I was glad that things turned out ok. From all the topics we have discussed, kiddo never failed to ask if I was single or attached. I didn't ask her status and neither did she tell me. I just figured that it was not important to know. Furthermore, we came in to chat with no intention of tying the knot or whatsoever. I am out of ideas what to write anymore diary. I will continue tomorrow, talk to you later.
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