dear diary, it looks like i have to go to JB every saturday nowadays. it has been the family's routine and i think it will be ours for a long period of time. i had my driving lesson as usual on saturday morning. dad sent me to the driving centre and i wasn't late. i repeated what i have learnt last two saturdays. i think i am improving because i am picking up the techniques already but it's just that i get forgetful sometimes. the correct technique for changing gear is to release the accelarator pedal and depress the clutch pedal simultaneously.
after that, change to my desired gear, depress the accelerator pedal at the same time release the clutch pedal simultaneously slowly. i have already registered that in my brain however, the instructor was confident that i could start driving on the road and there i was sitting behind the wheel driving back to the driving centre. i was so excited but at the same time was nervous that i forgot all the technique. it was chaotic but not so bad and credit should be given to me for not getting panic on the road at my first try.
the first few meters after coming out of the training ground was bad. he didn't prepared me mentally at all that it was time for me to go out, i was circling around the circuit when he stopped my car, got in and point me to the direction where to head. i only knew that i was driving back to the driving centre when i asked him where we were going. i knew i will be driving on the road on that day but i had expected him to tell me when it is going to be so i can quickly calm and compose myself before coming out of the circuit. the minute i was behind the white line, i felt my heart beating so fast i felt that it could fly out of its place.
i read myself some prayers silently and try to focus my attention on the road. when i moved out of the circuit, i stalled the engine and the car stopped in the middle of the straight road. it was such a narrow escape for me because there was no car behind me otherwise i think i could have been knocked from behind. the instructor almost lost his cool with me and was kind of surprise that i did what i did. he expected me to be alert and know of the technique and controlling of the legs movement. i was surprised at my performance as well and i knew i couldn't be nervous and had to calm myself. the road was not busy and i had time to focus and relax.
the reason why i stalled the engine was i thought he meant for me to depress on the brake pedal when he said 'place your feet on the brake pedal'. this is what happened when you are having a nervous breakdown, simple things can seem complex and hard to comprehend. everything seems to be so difficult and new and like you have never done it before. i was supposed to change my gear from 1 to 2, so i had to release the accelerator pedal and depress the clutch pedal, then change my gear but instead i release the accelerator pedal and depress the brake pedal fully.
gosh, i was really lucky there was no cars behind me otherwise i was sure i will be hit from behind. oh boy, that was really a narrow escape. i started the engine back and i moved off. i did not have a smooth start but it was okay at a later stage although i occassionally made little mistake here and there. i knew what i have to do then and it's all about focusing and being calm and collected. i noticed that when i was calm and compose, i could drive better and did not make major mistakes, therefore the next lesson i will read some prayers for calming myself down and also the prayer for travelling in a vehicle.
driver was supposed to return my money back on saturday. he text messaged me on thursday evening and asked when we could meet. we arranged to meet on saturday after my driving lesson but he didn't call me neither did he text message me. his phone was switched off and i kind of thought that history is going to repeat itself. you know that he played me out once before don't you diary? i started to feel cheated and angry a little. i waited till sunday but there was still no news from him until at 2 in the afternoon. he told me he would return my money on monday evening and i told him to take appointments seriously next time. i spoke harshly and firmly with him not to take my kindness for granted and told him to walk the talk instead of making me wait. he got quiet again and i had to call him to make sure he understands. he explained his blunder and promised me he will return my money back today in the evening.
you know diary, one of these days i might have to stop giving people loan. it's sickening that i have to keep on chasing them to return me back my money. i am just so fed up with things. it looks like my disgraceful youngest brother is not going to return my money back and now i have to act like a loan shark to get my money back from driver. i hate to be mean but circumstances are making me mean. mentioning about my youngest brother is already making me so sick. i tell you diary, i am so over him as my brother. he deserves nothing but hate from me.
i understand now how did my late brother feel towards my youngest brother and now i know why he left such will before his death. it is sad that something like this has to happen in a family unit but i guess we have to take the bulls by the horn in certain situations and just learn how to live with it. he doesn't grow up with us anyway and so i guess the bond is not as strong as how it is with my other family members. i always take him as an outsider because i knew he will be one forever even if we are related by blood. he hardly knows relatives from mum's side and very distant from them. he gets uncomfortable being with us when we are with relatives on mum's side. i just realised that he will never be a part of us because he simply can't.
you know diary, i have been waiting for the day where i can give him a piece of my mind. i am waiting for any slightest provocation from him and i promise you when the time comes, i will put up a very spectacular show that one will never forget the experience. mum and dad are not talking to me about it because i guess they knew what went wrong and do not wish to get entangle with it. perhaps i should start writing my wills to exclude him from possesing any of my belongings and properties. i have changed my beneficiaries for my CPF and insurance policies. he is excluded now and i like it to remain that way and nothing he do will make me include him again even after he has return my money back although that seem unlikely. do you understand how i feel diary?
as much as i hate to be feeling this way for my own flesh and blood, still i have to protect my interest and ensure that only those who deserves my hard earned money gets to taste it when i die. i don't want any hopeless, useless lunatic to be enjoying with my money earned from my sweat. if you know him well enough, he can be very cunning and an opportunist. he shamelessly asked dad to buy him a motorcycle if he passes his licence. what was so appalling was that he did not have the slightest shame and regrets for all the trouble he had caused to the family.
diary, i hate him so much now that i began to think that it should have been him who died instead of my second brother. if you could feel the temperature of my heart right now, you would have understand. people might easily mistook me as heartless and wicked but if they had known the real facts and stories behind my actions, they would have understand. i just hope that dad would be wise enough and do things fairly next time. i am sorry for saying what i have said about him to you but i need to let it out diary. just hear me out, that's all i asked you to do.
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