dear diary, i have been waiting for the rag and bone man to come and collect my old tv but till today they didn't come. i have decided to call for a different rag and bone man. i hope to sell my old tv set to them for at least 50 bucks and 100 bucks the most. i saw the advertisement in the paper that they take used working or spoilt tv at a minimum price of 100 bucks. however, i am not hoping to sell at 100 cos these advertisements always look good on the surface and most of these rag and bone man don't keep to their promises. they have a reputation to buy stuffs at the most cheapest price and i am not going to let go of mine until i am able to sell it at 50 bucks the least.
i went out for dinner with my family on friday night. it was my treat since it was my birthday eve and i didn't expect to be so bitter during the long weekend especially on my birthday. during dinner, dad received a call from my youngest brother from home. he came over to the house thinking that we were at home. the minute i knew it was him, i became so angry. i got very tense and i knew i will be very unhappy when i got home. he was there when we got home and i didn't take a single look at him. i didn't even acknowledge him. he does not exist to me and he will never exist in my life.
i grew so annoyed with him and i have lost all respect towards him. he tried to make small conversation with me but i didn't act as if he had talk to me. i treated him like a useless transparent plastic bag at my disposal. he got the message and he left me alone. he spent the night with us and mum turned the prayer's room into his sleeping area. i couldn't even be bothered to see if he was fine. i minded my own business and try to keep my composure because i knew, if anybody start with me on that day, i will run amok and someone might get a very bloody tongue bashing. i guess my family knows me too well to even bring up the topic. they left me alone and i left them alone.
i made a call to my driving school and told them about my toe and how i wasn't able to wear shoes during the lesson. they understood and allowed me to wear sandals so i went for my driving lesson on saturday as usual. i woke up in the morning and dad sent me to the driving centre. it was my second practical lesson and i have begun to learn how to drive a car and understand the mechanism of a car. i learned how to use the reverse gear and how to change gears from 1 to 4. the instructor left me alone in the car for me to learned how to reverse at the most minimal speed. i could feel that my left leg started to shiver and aching. i had to control the clutch pedal when reversing because i was told to go very slow as possible.
now i understand why my brother argued so much with my dad just to get him to agree to settle for an auto transmission car. i think i did okay for the second lesson and he told me that we will start learning on roads on the next lesson and boy was i excited. dad fetched me from the driving school and took me to the polyclinic to get my dressing changed. i didn't have to wait long cos i didn't need to see the doctor. the nurses changed my dressing and i just figured that i could do this on my own. they didn't really do much actually. they took the bandaged off, washed my toe and bandaged it again. i could do it at home myself i thought. we went home and there he was again. i greeted hang tuah when i got home and proceeded to do my own things. having him at home was such an eye sore everytime i unintentionally looked at him, so i stayed put in my room.
i got online and there she was, my old friend. do you remember oldie, diary? i told you about her didn't i? she was online at MSN and we chatted for awhile. we haven't been chatting for 2 years i think. we just lost in touch and i really don't know why. we talked about stuffs, people and us. she's doing ok and well i suppose. it's good to know that an old friend is doing fine after not keeping in touch for a period considered long. i think i behaved myself when i chatted with her. *grins* i didn't try to be funny neither did i try to be cocky.
everything done at moderate level and we didn't even talk about relationship stuffs. she told me she was in JB and wanted to ring me but was afraid. i didn't really know why but i figured that i might have made her feel that way when we lost in touch. there wasn't any news at all, i just became quiet and silent occasionally sending my thoughts through email. i became silent and quiet with lots of people especially old friends. i don't know but i guess sometimes we have to do that don't we? too much of something is bad and it is good to have time to ourselves alone to be able to reflect on what we have done to the friendships or relationships we have. things said that were never supposed to be said and acts done that were never supposed to be done. we grow older and hopefully wiser and the maturity teaches us that self-reflection is a neccessity in life.
as i am getting older, i realised that i never get excited easily nowadays. perhaps it's the age that mellowing me down or it's just things in my life that keep my two feet firmly on the ground. what happened to my late brother, the thing my youngest brother did to me and the thought of moving away from my family in search of a better tomorrow in a strange land, they all make me even deeper in thoughts when i am on my own. i enjoy being alone nowadays, it's just me and my thoughts. i wonder if i will ever get to meet all the people i once love in the after life, the people i once cared for and still do. i wonder if i am still going to be gay in the after life. i can only wonder sadly.
i went for my quran class as usual and i feel a little lost after being absent last week. i saw the familiar faces and the not so familiar faces. module 2 is tougher and there are a lot of new things to learn and know. it is dificcult without lots of practice and i am hoping that i can get through with it smoothly. i am learning quran with tajwid and that what makes it a little difficult because the ustaz emphasised on the correct and proper pronounciation of every letter. we must be extra careful spelling and reading paying attention to which letter that the pronounciation needs prolongation or vibration. we need to recognise the symbols that indicates how to read and spell the letters. i get blur sometimes and i am lucky that i have my mum to tutor me when i am lost.
my family fetched me from class and we headed straight to jb. there he was again and it made me even more annoyed. i have begun to hate him so much diary. i am not sure if i am able to talk to him again. for now, i can't even look at him let alone have him near my sight. if only i had known that he was coming along, i would have stayed at home instead. the more longer he was near my sight, the more tense i got. i was very upset having him around but i couldn't let my parents know because it would hurt them and it will only make them sad. i tolerated with everything and i had to put up with all the nonsense on my own. i found out that he is also taking his class 3 license and not only that, he is also taking his class 2B as well!
all i could feel at that moment was to come up to him and give him a good spit in his face. imagine this diary, all these while he was having a lot of financial problems due to his own doing and all these while my dad has endlessly supported him financially. i lent him the money with the thought of helping a flesh and blood in need of help and look at where it got me? he could have paid my money back but instead he is financing his driving lessons without sparing a thought to settle what needed to be settled first. i swear to god on my late brother's grave that i will not acknowledge him as my own flesh and blood anymore. i have grown to despise him so much, i have grown to hate him so much that it is beyond description what i think of him right now.
tell me that i am too much diary but i don't give a fuck. it is not about the money but it is more of his fucking attitude. i have my reasons, he knows it and my family knows it too. i am just dissapointed with how things had work out. i think you know how i feel diary. you know about that episode don't you? i made my parents lost 20K in one week and since then i have never asked for any financial assistance from them again. i learnt how to survive on my own, you know that yourself don't you diary?
everything that i own is from my own hard earned money. sometimes, i feel that it is unfair how my parents are treating us but i brush away this thought. dad sent my eldest brother to UK to further his study and spent so much on his education, dad spent so much on lawyer's fees just to save my youngest brother's ass from the law. he provided financial assistance to my late brother as well for him to get by, but he did not spend much on me except for that 20K.
when i told him i wanted to further my study, he seemed to be having second thoughts on providing me with financial assistance. i knew that look on his face and i didn't ask anymore. i kind of knew what to expect and i didn't put any hope having him to finance my studies later on. i save hard from now and when i lent my youngest brother that money, i meant well but he dissapoint me very much diary. i took the money out from my savings and that money was meant for my studies. my parents knew about it but you cannot expect them to be on my side because after all we are all their children. all they could say to me was, 'he is your brother after all'...yeah, and i am his sister.
is it too much for me to ask for what is rightfully mine? you know that they gave financial aid to my eldest brother when he took his license? do you know that they gave my brothers pocket money on their first day of job? and do you know that i had to sell off my mobile phone so that i have enough to cover for my transport before i got my salary? they could have asked me but they didn't and i couldn't be bothered to ask from them either. i knew that they would be glad to assist me financially if i had ask but i didn't. my parents are not bad parents but it is just with me that they are different because i am stubborn and i live by my own rules and principles at home. i am the only one in the siblings that counter attack my parents if they pick on me and usually i say what is true and you know that truth always hurt don't you diary? they know that i am fine until i ask them for help.
honestly, i may be the only daughter but i am the most independent of all. experiences taught me to be a tough bitch. my friends call me the iron lady, the one woman that shows off the woman power in her. i don't know, deep down inside i get sad sometimes. i often feel that i am not treated fairly but what can i say and what can i do? i get hurt most of the times thinking about it. i am prepared to face anything, if i have to work just to put myself through school, then i will. it's not a problem to me at all. mum has offered to finance my studies but i know i cannot be totally dependent on her. i have to work out something and i just have to keep on working hard to make ends meet on my part. i have to get out of here, i need to be somewhere else. the chances of running into my youngest brother is thick as long as i am here and i cannot afford to have another look at him even for a split second. i love my family very much, he just didn't earn a place in my family's list. as much as i hate to leave my family, i need to be where my heart feels i belong.
mum bought me a birthday gift and a hand made durian cake. the gift is a book by the famous malaysia's cartoonist, Lat, `DR.Who?`. i have not read the book yet but i truly appreciate it. the cake was nice according to my cousins and brother. i didn't eat the cake cos i only eat cakes which are chocolate in flavour. pizza came over the house on sunday afternoon with battery and i cooked them rice with fried chicken and eggs. knowing that i have not been using my cooking skills a lot lately, it was a surprise that the fried rice turned out okay. battery was her usual self, very shy and always hanging around her mother during the first few minutes of the visit. after she got comfortable, she began to run on her own around the house. the ever charming hang tuah entertained her with his climbing and running skills.
battery grew fond of me and followed me wherever i went. somehow i think she got attached to me because i was the only human beside hang tuah who entertained her. i helped pizza to put battery to sleep. i never knew it was so difficult to put toddler to sleep. i had to carry her around the house, i had to accompany her watch TV and i had to read her a book before she fell asleep. i was creating up a story cos i was too lazy to read her stories from the book and thank god before i knew it, battery fell asleep in my arms. i carried her to the bed room and lay her down on the mattress. in a minute, i too fell asleep. we woke up and got prepared to go dinner at east coast beach food court. battery wanted me to carry her and i had to carry her until we got into the car. in the car, again i had to make faces and tell stories to battery to make her feel fun and i began to feel like a clown from a children's entertainment agency.
No comments:
Post a Comment