She Is My Angel

Dear Diary,
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I am sure you have noticed that I have not been writing to you as often as I should especially with the conveniences that I have now. My laptop is repaired and I have internet access at home with maxis broadband. Writing to you daily like I always did can be repeated but I am not repeating it. I am online daily and there is something going on between me and someone online which stops or rather, distract me from writing to you. I just met her two weeks ago and the first chat session we had was not a memorable one to me. Like I always do Diary, I never take chat sessions with anyone seriously nowadays. I vaguely remember how the chat session went but as I get closer with her, I am recalling it.
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How are you Diary? Has life been treating you fairly? If you were to ask me that, I would say life has treated me painfully in 2008, but it looks like 2009 is going to be a happy, prosperous and hardworking year for me. It looks promising with my emotions under control and I am staying focus on my goals. I have gone out to meet new people, made some new friends online and rekindling any old forgotten friendships. It has been fun, exciting and thrilling and I am enjoying every seconds of it.
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I met a girl Diary, online. She is broken angel and I do not know if it is love but I think I have started to like her. She is so soft. You know how I have this thing about soft girls. She is attached however but her relationship with her partner is somewhat strange. They have been together for eight months but have not met each other. Can you believe that? Well I do not really bother about them but it is what I feel towards broken angel that I am worried. Since we have met online, we have chatted everyday without fail with the chat sessions lasted for at least six hours on an average daily.
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Chatting with her brought me back to the days when I was in Singapore. My partners were mostly the people I met online and chatting with them was the main medium of communications we had. Broken angel took me back to those days and somehow I feel that my heart jumps whenever I see her online on YM. What is it that I am feeling Diary? Do you happen to know? Is it merely the feeling of excitement or infatuation? I don’t really care, all I know I do feel happy knowing her. To say that it is love, I dare not because I would want these happy days with her to exist for as long as it can. To pronounce that it is love is just too much and fast. I have learnt from experience to wait until I really feel it inside me. Love is scary. Too much of it can kill.
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I have become addicted to chatting with her. The first thing I would do when I wake up in the morning is to get online so I would see if she is online too. If she is still not online, I would wait patiently in front of the laptop hoping that her name on YM would be bold to show that she is online. It is so funny too watch me becoming like a kid all over again. I laughed at myself sometimes and I chuckled saying there’s a little kid in every one of us. She is the reason why I am happy nowadays. We do not talk about love, we do not talk about feelings or infatuations instead we just talk about silly things that make both of us laugh. She brought back the happiness that I was hoping for in 2009. she brought back the smiles in my face that was long gone. She brought back the spirit in me that I had left in 2008 into 2009. she maybe the broken angel she calls herself…but she is such a sweet perfect angel to me because she has given me the food to my soul that I have often neglected.

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Thank you Carmen.

Cooking Up My Own Story Part:1

Dear Diary,
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I haven’t been writing to Flying Babe for quite sometime now. It is not like I don’t remember her anymore, I do but I just feel that I have to stop writing to her. Every time I write to her, it will only make me miss her more. The more I miss her, the more I think of her and how we used to be. I do not like to be feeling so sad and miserable all over again. I know I have to move on and I have to let her move on too. I really don’t know what she is feeling now. I have no idea how is she doing because we have stopped communicating. The only time I get her messages is when she text me to say that she has received my letters or when she text me one of those forwarded messages. Like I told you Diary, how much can forwarded messages convey what you really feel inside?
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There are many stories that I want to share with her but when I think back, the only reason why I wrote to her is because I am still in love with her. I had difficulty accepting the fact that she is no longer mine and thus writing the letters to her made me feel better a little. It was like living in dream lands where reality will not sink in or has not sunk in yet. Somehow, the reality has sunk in now and I am beginning to live in reality. I have decided to stop writing to her because I cannot allow myself to be overwhelmed by something that is so uncertain, so vague. I need something concrete to believe in. I am still feeling the pain inside me and I don’t know how else to let it heal except to face the pain myself. I have never told anyone about this pain I am feeling. It is just you Diary, my one and only loyal confidante.
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I still cry whenever I think of her but with lesser tears. I have learnt to keep myself focus on what I really want in life. I still feel the sadness being apart from her but this is what is best for us, I supposed. We do not really talk about it but we just became apart and broke up. It was hard for me and I guess it was hard for her too. But she is so good at hiding her own feelings from people. When we were together, we didn’t live under the same roof. We made an agreement that we won’t be living under the same roof because each of us has had bad experiences with our ex’s. I thought by not living together would make things better and safer but after what happened between flying babe and I, I don’t really think it is a good idea.
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I guessed you would have known now from the name I gave her, she flies often and it is worst when we are not living together. The only time I got to spend a lot of time with her was the time I sent and fetched her from LCCT. I had to follow her time table on that month and it was tiring for me but I did it for the love of my life. Fatigue and tiredness were not in my vocabulary at that time. I was a happy woman thinking those days will never end but they ended and my heart was crushed to a thin line the size of the margin in my exercise book, so thin I couldn’t even feel it. My relationship with her only lasted for two months. It didn’t even have the chance to blossom. The aura and vibes were short lived for reasons which I still do not know until now. I am just trying to fix the puzzle now and cooked up my own story why did it end.
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Living in different homes made it a little difficult for us to be together even though it was only ten minutes drive away from where we live. I usually have to spend nights at her home just to be with her. To be spending time with her was something I really look forward to. It made me happy and by spending time with her, I manage to forget Infinity slowly. She once said that I am no different than Opportunist who still think and miss all her ex girlfriends. The only difference is, I don’t talk it out loud instead I just kept it to myself. She was wrong, totally wrong. It was hurtful to get remarks like that by someone you love. Because you expect her to know you better and when she made statements like that, it shows you that she easily jumps to conclusions based from her own past scary and bad experiences.

The Days I Thought They Would Never End....

Dear Diary,
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As I am writing to you, I am missing flying babe so much till the extent I find it hard to breathe. She has text me a couple of times, most of the text messages were I assumed forwarded messages carrying messages like you know only exist in forwarded messages. It is not that I do not appreciate her messages but when there are too many of them, I began to wonder how much she means what is stated in those messages. It makes me wonder, it makes me ponder and it makes me weaker in the heart.
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When I was on my way to LCCT, I didn’t think of minah rempit that I was fetching. All I could think of at that time was flying babe. I have traveled often enough to and fro LCCT to send and fetch flying babe during those days. The route to LCCT reminds me of her and the aeroplanes make me think of her. I wonder how is she doing now and is she thinking of me like how I am thinking of her. Those were the days Diary; I thought they would never end. Never in a million years did it come across my mind that it would be over soon. If only I could show you how my heart is doing, I would so you could tell me the things I must do to remedy its condition. It hurts and it is killing my spirit and my soul slowly, giving me nothing but pain for every second I breathe.
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I often asked myself where did it go wrong, why did I let her go without fighting for it. It was so easy for me to let her go when I didn’t want her to. I thought that was what I wanted or perhaps that was what she wanted. She merely asked me for some time but I volunteered to call it off. There was no heart to heart talk about it nor was there any moment of deep thinking before coming to the decision. It was an impulse I thought I should follow.
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I have stopped talking about her and my friends don’t even know that we are no longer together because I do not want to have to talk about that idiotic impulsive break up anymore. I want to move on with my life but how can I move on when I am still in love with her? She made me forget about infinity, she grabbed hold of the love I once had for infinity and she threw it away. The love for infinity never came back but the love I have for flying babe grew stronger and just when it was about to blossom, it had to end without even giving me the chance to let her know how I really feel towards her.
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Do you think it is too late now for me Diary? I have been crying my heart out about her alone in my room. I still have her pictures in my wallet, I still have her pictures pasted high up on the top right hand corner of my mirror, and I still have her pictures in my hand phone. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, all I see are pictures of her and they remind me of how she and I used to be. It was short lived, the time we had for each other but the memories I have with her still linger in my mind refusing to go away shaking me with all the sadness for the world to see.
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My heart is filled with anger, regrets and sorrow because of one bloody emotion that we all call love. It is a total fucking waste of time. It brings nothing but tears, heartaches and pain. I do not want to feel it anymore…because it only makes me a weak, broken and miserable woman.

She Has Paranoid Written On Her Forehead.

Dear Diary,
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I woke up today hearing the message alert tone from my mobile phone. It was from paranoid and the message she sent said “wake up, we have to settle everything by today”. I was cool but I just thought to myself that the name paranoid I gave her really suits her well. She is paranoid about anything and everything under her nose. I have grown sick of it because I am feeling that she is just acting too much thus blowing things out of proportion. It is like making mountains out of molehills.
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How do you do Diary? I have thought about you today and I promise myself that I will write tonight no matter how tired I am. I took my shower early today and woke minah rempit up because I know paranoid was just waiting to settle things and get everything over and done with by today. Well, I know she has a say about what had happened in the house recently but I just don’t appreciate her rushing me like that because I know what I have to do to settle any outstanding errands concerning the house.
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I took minah rempt to the police station and withdrew the report. Paranoid tagged along and after that I bought lunch for us and we ate at home. I was in my room lying down in bed when paranoid knocked on my door asking me when is minah rempit going to leave the house. I knew she meant the question for me because I was supposed to make sure minah rempit leaves the house by today and I was rather upset because this is the second time in the day she rushed me to do things which I just hate. I told her to wait and relax herself and she started questioning me. I have had enough of everything since day one I came back here and I told paranoid off sending her a message that I don’t appreciate her attitude.
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I got upset with paranoid for concrete reasons. I didn’t think she would rush me like that. It was only one in the afternoon and she was already making an issue out of it. Minah rempit was supposed to leave the house today and she knew she has to leave and was making preparations for it. I saw her packing her stuffs and it was such a sad moment to look at her like that. When paranoid was rushing me, I really felt as if she was chasing minah rempit in a hurry. Goodness gracious, the crime minah rempit did was to me and in my humble opinion, paranoid has no right to get so uptight over things. Minah rempit has done nothing to her but paranoid acted as if it was her money and belongings that minah rempit had stolen. I didn’t feel it was appropriate for her to behave like that.
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I went into minah rempit’s room and I saw her sitting on the floor quietly. I think she must have heard the commotion between paranoid and I. somehow I feel sorry for her. I didn’t want her to leave because I knew she has nowhere to go but since paranoid has a say in this house, I couldn’t do anything about it. I sat beside her and I looked at her in the eye and for the first time after what had happened I broke down in front of her. All of a sudden I feel so much for her. I was abusing her verbally before but I have no more anger towards her anymore now. All I have for her are heartfelt sympathy and understanding.
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She is such a child at that age. I couldn’t believe her family left her to answer for the problems she had created. If I were to have someone in my family like that, I would have done something to assist even how big the crime is. If I couldn’t assist financially, I would have given moral support. Her family background is just so different from mine. I have caring parents and a responsible brother whom I can seek help and take sound advice from. My aunts and uncles are just a phone call away if I were to ask for help. But she has none of those and it is so sad. Can you imagine it Diary? I have known her for eight years and she has always been left alone to settle her own problems. Everytime I look at her, I imagine myself being in her shoes, oh Diary…it really scares me.

A Promise Kept Even Under Pressure

Dear Diary,
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It was a tiring day today although there was not any work I did that requires physical strenuous movements of my muscles. I slept at six in the morning the night before and I woke up at ten in the morning today. I woke up feeling very tired mentally. You know how I have been thinking a lot about things lately don’t you Diary?
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How has it been going for you? Is everything ok? I hope you are happy wherever you are Diary and I wish I am too. I went to fetch minah rempit last night. She got to LCCT at one in the morning and I got there half an hour after one. She had to wait a little longer. I was having my supper when she text and I knew it then that she really tried hard to keep her promise to me. You know what happened between she and I don’t you? She promised me she would return my stuffs and she did even though I did not get all of them back. She took five bottles of my perfume and I only got 1 back. My winter jacket was missing too and of course my money was gone, all of it. She is so dry now without any money to repay me back. I honestly do not know how I feel towards her. At times, I feel pitiful but at times I feel so furious with her.
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When I saw her at the airport, I didn’t look her in the eye. I just couldn’t because I knew if I had look her in the eye, I would have bashed her to death instantly. Instead I look at her feet and I saw my shoes she was wearing and I noticed she wore my cap as well and my belt too. I knew she would still be wearing one or two of my stuffs to come back to Malaysia and I only expected my shoes but didn’t thought it would be more than that. I did tell her not to wear anymore of my stuffs and I thought she understood.
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She looked anxious when she saw me, well who wouldn’t be after what happened? I tried very hard to keep my cool and to stay composed. I swear to God that I didn’t want to start in the car. It has to be done at home but I just couldn’t suppress my anger. This anger I have towards her has been snowballing and it is just waiting for the right time to explode. I would say that minah rempit was lucky because secret recipe was with me, so there was other person who would stop me from getting physical with her if I had.
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I asked her seriously when she will be able to return me back my money. She was silent, probably she was thinking and no solutions came to her mind and so the silence continued which just pissed me off. I asked her again with my voice raised and she gave me an answer which was not satisfactory to me at all. I was being very demanding with her because I thought she deserved to be treated that way. I bombarded her with my harshest cruel remarks on the way home. It was really a moment of no mercy. I was letting go my anger slowly but cruelly to her. She was dead silent like a mouse hiding from a cat. I was this one very fierce cat waiting to claw this mouse without any feeling of compassion at all. I was pretty sure nothing and no one could have stopped me from hurting this one timid, lost and broken mouse. The anger in me gave me the energy to retaliate, provoke and to injure any living things on earth that would come between she and I.
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The interrogation was on going in the car on our way home. She seemed so afraid and remorseful and I was beginning to feel bolder. She and I have this big-sister-small-sister relationship. I had the upper hand and I knew whatever I said to her, she couldn’t counter. She was helpless and had no way to run to. Her friends cast her away; her family seems to disown her. She was all alone with no one to turn to and seek help from. I felt sorry for her but when I think of the reasons she did what she did, I couldn’t bring myself to feel sympathetic towards her. It was probably because the anger was still inside me and I was not ready to forgive her.
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When we reached home, I brought her into my room and I started another session of my interrogation. I abused her verbally like there was no tomorrow. She just sat there silent without saying anything to defend herself. At least she knew when she should be quiet. I asked her to call her family and ask if they could come up with the money she took from me. It was in vain. Her family just brushed her aside like she was not their flesh and blood.
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Minah rempit was brought up by her grandmother, her parents were divorced a long time ago and her father is uncontactable. She grew up missing the attention and love a child needs from parents and most importantly she did not get adequate family conditioning. I know her family background and honestly, from my opinion she has nothing to be proud of about her family. It’s a broken family and it is nothing close to any other normal ordinary family. She has always been on her own, fixing her own problems without any help from her family. It is sad actually and she always depends on her partner to get love, care and attention. I should have known better.
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After talking to her aunt, somehow her stupid but arrogant uncle gave me a call and asked about the commotion. It was four in the morning; I was tired, hungry and sleepy. I was pretty sure that I didn’t need unnecessary rubbish and shoddy talk. Her uncle seemed to try to sound clever but he obviously failed. Not only did he speak broken English but he was inarticulate as well. To tell you the truth, I had a difficulty understanding him and I felt like advising him to go back to school to improve his English first before talking to me. He kept implying that I shouldn’t have made the report since I have visited and met with her family. He also said that they treated me good when I visited them and by reading between the lines he meant to blame me for reporting the case to the police like as if I was the thief and his niece was the victim. I cut him off and told him that it is not about whether I have met or visited them but it is about my rights as a victim of theft. I have the privilege to make a police report.
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My tone was harsh and serious and he got offended and began to curse me with his broken English that I was sure even he himself didn’t understand. I curse him ten times more and I said things to him that he would remember for the rest of his lives. He just pushed my button and he got a piece of my mind. That bastard deserved what I said. It was harsh Diary, very harsh till the extent I realized I shouldn’t have said I said but hey, a man got to do what a man got to do. I will and shall not entertain a low life uneducated bastard like him. With his attitude like that, it is really no surprise why his niece turn out the way she is.

it's a test everybody has to go through...

Dear Diary,

I woke up at 7am today feeling tired and sleepy. i didn't go to bed early last night. i was tired but i couldn't shut my brain off even though my eyes were shut tight. i was thinking about minah rempit and all the things on earth. i was thinking about what i am going to do when she comes back and what am i going to do if she doesn't. i was thinking about so many things until i find it hard to let myself go to sleep. my brain has been working non stop since i came back. i am supposed to go back to singapore this week but i have to wait until things between minah rempit and i are settled.

if there is any other reason why i have to delay my plan to go back to singapore besides ticket got sold out, it would be because of minah rempit. she has given me nothing but trouble. that's all she does...perhaps that's the only thing in her life's agenda. time after time i have tolerated her but this time, i won't take it anymore. some people just don't learned from their mistakes. they let histories repeat themselves and they are remorseful only for awhile.

she is coming back today and she was supposed to take the 12.20pm flight from jakarta to kl but she text me this afternoon and told me she had missed the flight. there were some problems with her passport and it got impounded by the indonesian immigration. she told me she bought a one way ticket and that's why her passport got impounded. when she text, i didn't get angry neither did i get dissapointed. i have taught myself to be calm and relax. i have taught myself to be contented with whatever that has happened in my life. i refuse to let myself get stressed or tensed over things. i have learnt to live life day by day as it comes.

when i received her text, i just told her to find another ticket so she could come back today and settle this issue with me and get it over and done with. i am really tired Diary...there will come a point in your life when you just want to live worry free. i think i have come to that stage now. i have had enough and my priority right now is to make myself happy even if it is only for awhile. i asked minah rempit how is she coming home, she told me has text some of her friends to ask a favour to fetch her but none have replied. i was saying to myself, who in the world would be willing to fetch you at that time of the day when you have made yourself worthless.

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i think after all the anger that has been stored inside me, there are some good and softer side of me that have always linger waiting to be explored. i offered to fetch her and she remorsefully accepted the offer. it is not about she still having my stuffs with her or it is not about wheather she owes me some explanations, it is just something that i feel i have to do. because i know what it feels like to be in her shoes. when you think everyone is against you, you will feel that you have no one else except for yourself. it is a misery to feel like that. somehow, my sympathy goes to her.

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i am writing to you now to tell you that i honestly don't know how i feel anymore. all i can think of is what my mother always tells me, to do good deeds to people regardless how they treat us, because people come into our life for reasons and purposes which we just won't know until things like this happened. it may be good and it may be bad but we always have to bear in our minds that these people are God sent. He probably wants to see how we reacted to these little challenges He gave us. this is the test of time everybody has to go through in these lives. perhaps, it can make me become more contented with what i have, perhaps it can make me realised how lucky i am to have such caring and responsible family and good friends that have always been there through my good and bad times. these are probably the messages that come together with the problems i am facing with. all i have to do is to solve the puzzle...patiently and with the belief that i am the chosen one because there is still love in the air for me from Him...

Simple Plan Went Wrong...

Dear Diary,

i wish i hadn't been so careless about all the decisions i have made since i moved here. things have not been pretty smooth for me. sometimes i wish i could start all over again and prevent myself from making the wrong choices that i have made. but you and i know that it is just impossible to turn back time and undo the decisions we have made. how have you been doing Diary? has life been treating you good? i hope it has...because you are the most loyal and faithful listener that i have known. you listen without talking back and you hear without prejudice. you never put me down and i love you for that. not that i hate to be brought back to reality but most of the times, i just want to pour out what i am feeling deep inside. it doesn't matter what i say or write, i just want to let go in writing without being scrutinised. at least that would lighten the weight i am carrying.

i met up with a new friend the other night. i was introduced to her by another friend. she and i began texing each other. it was just casual conversations, nothing intimate and nothing flirtatious. it was purely based on normal everyday talks. i was too tired to meet up but i was on my way to KL that night and i have planned to meet her at subang at 1030pm. in the car i figured that it was a bit of a rush so i arranged for her to meet me at KL since i was going there. i was with secret recipe that night and she called another friend to come and joined us. so when that new friend of mine came, there were four of us. the night out was rather boring because i was tired and sleepy but i had to entertain that new friend, oh Diary, let's just call her Simple Plan shall we? I had to entertain Simple Plan because she didn't know any of my friends. I tried to make her feel comfortable and i think she did. she was simple in dressing and i am assuming in everything as well. we talked about work, food, business, cars and any other things that came across our minds. while talking i tried so hard to stay awake. my eyes were blood shot and i looked haggard. i knew she noticed that but i didn't want to make it look obvious so i put up my very best active expressions. i think i failed and she repeatedly asked if i wanted to go home.

how i wished i could go home the moment she asked but i couldn't because i was not driving on that night. secret recipe drove me and i had to wait for her to send me home. and then, Simple Plan was on the phone with that friend of mine, Americano. I heard Simple Plan told Americano that i was with her and I immediately gave Simple Plan some cue not to tell. it was really nothing big to talk about but the implication was rather serious now. i don't know diary...i guess some people just take things too seriously. the reason why i preferred Americano not to know is because Americano and her Gf, Miss Decent had asked me out on that night to a club. i am really not a club person nowadays. i am confident that i have graduated from those days. when the offer came, i simply had to reject, furthermore i was tired. secret recipe asked me out to dinner and i just couldn't refused because she has been there for me during the times i needed moral support. how could i say no to someone whom i have done wrongs but still stand by me in times of my needs. so, with my tired face, blood shot eyes and feverish body temperature, i went out with secret recipe...and since Simple Plan is in KL too, i asked if she wanted to join us.

so it all started from there...i was afraid that Americano and Miss Decent would have hard feelings towards me since i had to refuse their invitation to the club. so much for trying to protect people from having hard feelings towards me but i screwed up myself. being the usual laid back and 'selamba' me, i told Miss Decent that i have met Simple Plan and then she started to sound offended which i just couldn't understand.

do you know what would i do if i were her Diary? I would just laugh at it and tease myself. so i would look younger than my age and be a happier person without taking things like that too seriously. but i guess some people take everything seriously and little things like that do seem offensive. what can i do what can i say...we live on different principles...some people like to laugh at things while others just like to be tough cookies to please...

Mother, I Am Sorry...

Dear Diary,
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I am feeling a little disturbed today. I had a misunderstanding with mum just now over some petty issues. It was a small matter but i couldn't handle it well. I thought I could take it easy but too many things have happened to me, I was so stressed up and tense filled the air. I am overloaded with problems Diary. I am so pressured with so many unsolved issues and outstanding errands.

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it all started at dinner when mum asked me to take a ladle for one of the dishes she cooked. the thing about mum is, she has this attitude about using the right cooking utensils for the right purpose. you know how old traditional Malay women can get when it comes to the kitchen department don't you diary? yeah..sounds familiar? so i went to the kitchen to take the ladle but i couldn't find anything that best suit the situation at that time, so i took a ladle which was just a little too big for the bowl of dish. when i came to the dining hall and place the over sized ladle into the bowl, mum freaked out and told me off like as if i had done the sin of my lifetime. not only she told me off but she did it in her high pitch annoying voice. god, i hate it so much when she did that. it can easily drives me up the wall and if it were one of my friend who did that to me, i could just give that friend of mine a tight slap in the face till her face turns 360 degrees.

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i was so angry with her for being too particular about simple things like that. i have been brought up by her to be like that too and even how much i hate it, i have to tolerate and listen to her but this time i felt it was too much of her. we were just going to have dinner as a family, just myself, mum and dad. i couldn't understand what's the big deal over the right size of ladle. why couldn't she just give her rules a break sometime?

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i retaliated Diary, i couldn't control my temper and i snapped at her and i told her how i have become tired of her annoying rules and regulations in the kitchen. i was harsh, and you know how i am when i am pissed don't you? believe me Diary, that was the last thing i wanted to do to mum. i am writing to you with regret now. i skipped dinner because i was too angry to eat. i was hungry but i just starved myself. i can feel that my anger was building up that night and at that moment, all i could think of is flying babe...how i wish i could just pick up the phone and call her...I miss her so much...

Not Everybody Is Once Bitten Twice Shy

Dear Diary,

I am not back to Subang but i know what had happened there. my stuffs got stolen and it was done by who else but that minah rempit. this is the second time it has happened and i am just so bloody pissed right now. the first time it happened, she apologised. she came to me crying like a kid who did not get the candy she wanted. it was an ugly sight. i didn't mentioned anything about my stuffs she took, instead i only asked her about what she really wanted in her life.

i was with FnB and we went to search for minah rempit together cause she had FnB's laptop which she had borrowed for over two weeks and did not return. we managed to locate her and got back the laptop. i got my stuffs back from minah rempit's room, they were hidden in a box like as if she really did not want me to find them. i lost my trust in her. she actually duplicated the key to my room and that's how she got in. i asked for the key back and she told me she had threw it away. i didn't want to push anymore so i let it be. this time it happened, she took more stuffs from my room including my money. it was very shocking that she would do such a thing because we have been friends for almost eight years now. who could have thought that she would have the heart to do something like that. i am really appalled with what had happened.

when i found out my stuffs got stolen, i did my own investigation works from singapore. after thirteen years of chatting, surfing and browsing online actively, i have made many networks. i made a few phonecalls to people i believed have the informations for me and it was confirmed that she was in indonesia. i assumed that she actually only intended to 'borrow' my stuffs to look nice, stylish and perhaps expensive over there. she didn't have the means to be like that on her own because she always focus on love instead of goals. she is the kind of person that would die for love and treats her life partners like God.

after the first phase of my investigations, i got another cell of mine (this really makes me feel like a terrorist lah..'cell' seeehhh...) to get hold of someone online from indonesia to confirm the whereabouts of this minah rempit. i got a few numbers and i made some long distance calls. i didn't worry about the bills, all i wanted was my stuffs back. you know diary, i have this thing about my possesions. i am very possesive about my belongings and i hate, let me repeat that, i hate to have people wearing or using my stuffs. i am a bit of a freak when it comes to that. it is not like i am stingy but i am just not used to sharing. we can blame that on my parents i think...
i spoke to this indonesian who happened to be a friend of another indonesian that minah rempit has been staying with in indonesia. do you get what i mean? apparently, minah rempit has been going steady with this girl from indonesia (let's call her Windy). so minah rempit is putting up at windy's place. this indonesian (let's call him Help 1) i spoke to happened to be a god brother of windy. now, i explained to Help 1 about my situation and predicaments. she gave me another number to call and requested me to text her my story so that she could forward the text to windy, so windy could see for herself what kind of a new girlfriend she has for herself. i did as i was told. and in the early evening, i got a message from windy to ask me to call her.

i made that phonecall and i managed to speak to minah rempit. it was not just my money that she stole, but my digital camera, seven pieces of my tops and 2 pieces of my bottoms, a pair of shoes, two watches, a bag and my sunglasses. all these belongings of mine when accumulated the prices, thay could reach to RM5K. i kept my cool when i was talking to her, i told her that i want my stuffs back by the 25th of January otherwise i would go to her family house to let her family knows about this and then i would make a police report. i told her not to take me lightly and i made sure she listened. she promised me she would deliver my stuffs to me. there are a lot of other stories about her i have heard from Help 1 and i honestly have lost total respect for her. there are just too many lies that she has told and they are actually trapping her.

all these talks about she having what she does not have in malaysia is just too much for me to stomach. i have begun to see her true colours and how and what people can do just to have that feel and sense of belonging. i asked her what made her do what she has done, she told me she just wanted to go to indonesia to meet windy. she doesn't have anything that she could be proud of. she doesn't have anything that she could show off. so she had to steal...i was silent. i was just thinking how lucky some of us who have the means to have what we want when others just can afford to admire what we have. they are not really expensive or special edition stuffs that she took from me, they are just ordinary stuffs that i bought with my own money and some were given to me by very special people in my hearts. they have sentimental values that cannot be bought with money. i told her to post the stuffs back and i will not report to the police. she promised me she will and even windy was shocked about the news. she gave her word to me.

i will wait until 25th of January and if the stuffs are not returned to me, i have no choice but to report it to the authorities. i might have to let go of this one friendship i have built for over eight years now. it is waste and i hope she will learn from this lesson that there are limits to what we can do to people who are nice.

Coming Through The New Year

Dear Diary,

I have been writing letters to flyingbabe almost everyday nowadays. i have been missing her but i can only afford to let her know through my letters. things have changed and i guess it is better that i let her know how i feel through my writings. she told me she loves reading my letters, they make her feel so close to me.

how are you doing diary? i hope u r good and always in the pink of health. i am coping with things that happened in 2008, i am not bringing them into 2009 but i think they are still lingering in the backgrounds. memories are hard to delete because we are not computers that has the capability to store data only for awhile. we do not have the 'delete' button to clear all the datas away.

i am always thinking of her and most of the times i wonder if she is thinking of me too. i have wrote so many letters to her. i bought blue envelopes to post the letters to her. i chose blue because it is her favourite colour. i like blue too, the colour represents serenity, i think.

i have started communicating with infinity. we started off online but i think when i come back, i will probably ask her out for a drink. i have finally come to terms with my loss. it was difficult in the beginning but with the new year spirit, i am thinking positive now. life is too short not to let go of grudges,sadness, bitterness and unhappiness. i have forgiven her a long time ago, but i was just too heartbroken and dissapointed. i needed time and infinity didn't let me have the time, she just wanted me to accept her as a friend immediately after the break up. how could i diary? my relationship with her was the longest i have had. she was my first living partner, my family. it was never easy for me to take her as a friend overnight after having her as more than just a living partner.

we did things together, we were one, we slept in the same bed, we ate from the same plate, we lived under one roof and we drank from the same cup. infinity taught me what living partnership is all about, something that i would never learnt in singapore. she was always there for me, never failed not to be there. i felt so safe when i was with her because i knew i had her. you know diary, when you are all alone in a foreign country without your family around, you will get so attached with your living partner. that's how i got so attached with infinity, we were each other's shadows. there are so many things to say about her but i will save the best for last.

things are different now...i have flyingbabe in my mind even though the feelings might not be mutual anymore. i really don't know what to think diary...i have made mistakes with flyingbabe and i am trying to fix it back..hope always springs eternal in the human heart...

Spending My Time...

Dear Diary,

How are you doing today? I really hope you are always in the pink of health. I have made some efforts to fix my problems with the help of some good understanding friends. Secret Recipe has always been there for me. You know what the story with her Diary? She was my ex, I dumped her for Infinity and now, she is still there for me. I feel so bad and so sorry for what had happened between her and me. I treated her so badly and so unfairly last time. I cannot stop but to wonder why is she still being nice to me after what I have done to her. I would never blame her if she treats me like thrash nowadays but she isn’t and that only makes me feel even guilty towards her.


I have spent two nights at her house recently. We just talked about Minah Rempit and how surprised and shocked we were when we found out what she had done. We have never thought Minah Rempit would do such a thing. What Minah Rempit did to me was unacceptable and unbelievable. I have spent my time nowadays mostly to myself. I have been doing lots of thinking about things and the people around me. A few of my friends have asked me out, I have obliged to some of them but not to all. I am kind of tired nowadays. All I want to do is to spend time by myself. I am not shutting out the world but in times like this, I believe it is better to be alone, doing some reflections and planning about things. I am not giving up on anything neither am I hoping for anything but I do want to be happy and if being by myself makes me happy, then by all means I will do it.

I spend my time online nowadays, reading, writing and chatting with people I meet online. I can say that I am actively a virtual person now. Being online makes me relax, that is what I was probably missing in life when I first came to Malaysia. I was a happy person, full of motivations and hopes for people and myself. I was the strength for the weak ones. I think I make a better virtual friend than reality. I do not know Diary, but that’s what I think of myself now. I am so lazy to come out of the house since I got back. I spend a lot of time in my room coop up doing my own things. I feel save here with all the facilities and conveniences I can utilize. I don’t really know what I feel now Diary. There are so many things in my mind that sometimes I just wish they will all go away. I have to admit that I do a lot of thinking and my brain is working 24/7. I think it is just waiting for the time to explode and be blown to pieces.

I have missed a lot of people and I have been trying to get used to the fact that I am now alone. I am not being self pity or petty but after having someone around you for as long as you have, being alone again is really a tall order to do. Yes, I can go out with my friends and I am sure they will make me laugh but I know the laughter will only last for awhile. After all those short happy times, I still come back to an empty home.

I can always cope with being alone but the honest truth Diary is, I can’t or let me rephrase my sentence, I am not used to being lonely. Being alone and lonely are two different things. Being alone is just the physical part of it, I have always done things alone when I was in Singapore. I was pretty ok back then. I was full of confidence because I was not lonely. Nowadays, not only that I am alone but I am lonely too. I figured that my heart is missing someone or something that I used to have. My heart is longing for the thing that makes my soul happy and vibrant. It is like doing things on an empty stomach, when you feel hungry you can easily find something to eat to fill up that empty space in your stomach but when you do things on an empty heart, you simply cannot fill that empty space in your heart with food. The remedy is to find love. Love is the food to your heart and music is the food to your soul. Love is what can heal your sadness and loneliness.

A Sad New Year

Dear diary,

I have been sad almost everyday since December. Year 2008 had not been a good one for me. There were too many cases of hearts getting broken and sad stories. Everything happened after I walked away from infinity’s life. Things were not always on my side after I left her. It was such a painful break up, the hardest one that I have had to experience. I have been analyzing and thinking what was it about our relationship that made it the hardest break up ever for me. It really had an impact on me, an impact that I could never imagine, like a child who just lost his parents.

My relationship with infinity was the longest one out of all my previous relationships. It was the most special, trusting, sincere and pure. I felt so belonged to her when I was with her. There was nothing that I worried about when I was with her. There was nothing that I ever afraid of because I knew she was with me always. We were like twins, people thought of us as sisters with her being the eldest one. There was no place that she went without me around. Probably many of us have had this kind of relationship but to someone like me who has had 15 previous relationships, I honestly find that my relationship with her was the most special. It was my first of that kind. We lived under the same roof, ate from the same plate, drank from the same cup, slept in the same bed and showered in the same bathroom. The thing about infinity was how secured she made me feel just by being with her. Do you know that feeling Diary? She was always there for me, my strength when I was weak and my eyes when I couldn’t see. It is like I do not need anymore friends to keep me company because I have her every day of my life. She has become my flesh and blood by marriage even though that marriage is not recognized by anyone else except for people like us. She has become my soul mate, the only person I share my deepest thoughts and views, the only person I came back home to, the person that will be the first to know my sad and happy stories.

I have let her come into my world, I taught her my hobbies and I told her of my fantasies. We cried and we laughed together. We tolerated each other like there was no tomorrow. We teased each other and pampered one another because we knew we only have each other in our lives. We have touched each other’s hearts in our own special ways. We understood each other even when none of us are talking. It was so real the love we had for each other.

I have missed her so much until I suffocated. I have missed the smell of her hair, her sweat and her presence. If only I could let her know how regretful I am for walking away. It is too late now Diary. I am here all alone still standing, facing 2009 full of hopes for another taste of happiness and serenity. I am here now to pick up the pieces all by myself with some understanding from good close friends. I am learning how to walk again like a baby who has just graduated from his crawling days. I am not limping neither am I a crippled but it sure feel blessed to be able to learn how to walk again before I forget how.