[Great Movie Scenes] Good Will Hunting - Park Scene

Who Really Is My 'Nur Kasih'?

Dear Diary,

I have had many prospectings since the start of this week. I am currently having 1 room rental listing and it is from a referral of my existing client. I was supposed to go farming today but I changed my mind as it looked like it was going to rain after I took my shower. Furthermore, I had to run some errands for mum at home and so I did not go farming. The clouds were dark but the darkness just went away half an hour later. I really thought it was going to rain.

How was your day Diary? I had a fairly good day. Spent the whole day at home and only went out prospecting at 730 in the evening. It was just one block away from where I live. That's the good thing about having your residential area as your geographical targeted area (GTA). You do not have to waste time travelling. Most of the places are within walking distance. I supposed that is my plan for now. I have a plan and I will draw out my strategy soon. 

Mum has been watching 'Nur Kasih' repeatedly until I have memorised the storylines and a bit of its dialogues. She is so 'Nur Kasih' crazy nowadays since she got the box set DVD. It is a good drama with good casts and storylines but it is also a little melodramatic. Well, it is a television drama series anyway so it has to be melodramatic isn't it? Sometimes, I wonder if I could ever wish for anything in 'Nur Kasih' to happen to me in reality. Say for example, the time when Nur is so faithful to Adam even without Adam fulfilling his duty as a husband to her. And how they always manage to meet up coincidentally or bump into each other so easily like as though there are no impossibility in that at all. 

I supposed those things happen only in dramas or movies because they are directed and scripted. I often ask myself will I ever run into Flying Babe again someday somehow? It is hard to say because she is there and I am here and it won't look like I will be going to Subang Jaya again for a long time. Do you get what I mean Diary? During the time when I took Air Asia to Brisbane, I would be lying if I did not hope to bump into her. I did not anyway. Well, that is probably because I was not in a drama or a movie is it? You tell me Diary...

That is the very reason why I always prefer to watch dramas adapted from a true story because at least the storylines keep my two feet on the ground. But even if it is adapted from a true story, there will stilll be some scenes created not from true events for dramatic purposes. In dramas, you always have to expect the climax in it because that is what dramas all about. I have to admit that watching 'Nur Kasih' somehow makes me wish and hope for the good things that happened in it to happen in my life silently in my heart. Hope springs eternal in the human heart doesn't it?

It amazes me just how faithful and loyal Nur is, as a woman and a wife altogether after all that she has to go through. If you had watch it Diary, you wouldn't believe it yourself. The level of loyalty she has for Adam is so amazingly huge that only she can understand why. Perhaps I can too. It must have been love, the kind of love that makes one very devouted to another one. No matter what the circumstances are, the love remains and will prevail against any other matters. A love so strong that nothing can tear it apart. Does it exist in reality? Have you ever came across someone with a love like that who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness.

Isn't it great to have someone who can love you like that. Isn't it wonderful to be loved by someone with such integrity. Isn't it a bless if you can make it happen in reality as well. I am smiling now and at the same time, I am shaking my head thinking of the vast differences between reality and fantasy. Perhaps some people might have already experiencing it. It is a big world out there Diary with so many countries, cultures and traditions. I am sure somewhere out there it does exist, it is just that it is not happening to me. Well, maybe it could but I was just too young and wild to see it. I might have overlooked the possibility of having such meaningful relationship. 

Looking back, I have never regret what had happened in my life only that I wish I could have done better. I have never understood love. I never thought I must because love lives on its own. It does not ask why and it does not explain why. It just happen you know. Love is no respecter of age or practicality, neither morality: love enters unabashedly where she will, unheeding that her immortal fires burn up human hearts.

Have I found my 'Nur Kasih' along the way? I do not know. I probably have but I let her go. I guess that's just me, always in the lost and found situations. I am not very girlfriend material. Love scares me that I always ask for a break up before the relationship gets too deep even when I knew the ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands. Maybe I have overlooked that love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new.

I honestly cannot comprehend what is in my heart and who is it really for. If I ever have found someone that I can call my 'Nur Kasih',  she probably will just be another fantasy of mine that will never come true because a hundred hearts would be too few to carry all my love for her. Some women love only what they can hold in their arms; while me, only what I can't. 

My Heart Has Spoken

Dear Diary,

I have been talking to my heart a lot lately and I have realised that she is not doing that well. Many things happened in the past that is making her sore. I know she is healing but the healing process does not happen instantly. She has taken too many blows more than she can handle. At times, she wishes that the blows can stop but who is she to wish such a thing because she knows it is beyond her control. Perhaps, if she could have shields guarded around her, she would not feel this bad after all but shields do not come easily. It is not like how virtual games are played where shields are often gotten easily when you have reached certain stage in that game. This is reality and dealing with reality is hard especially when you have taken blows after blows until you feel that you cannot take no more.

But then again, what is life without challenges, obstacles and heartaches? My heart is merely a piece of living organ in my body that functions according to what God has wanted. Emotions and feelings are two entities that made up what the heart can feel entirely. Emotions and feelings are often the deeper truth, the opinion the more superficial one. If my heart is made up of stone, I would say that I will be a piece of rock but no, my heart is not a piece of stone. She is a living thing that helps me feel the joy and sadness from all the life experiences I have had throughout the time my lung breathes for air.

I understand how my heart functions and I comprehend what she is going through but I am only human with a sentimental soul. Often, I would simply put my palm on my chest hoping that it helps to ease the pain or burden that she is carrying. What else can I do except to say a little prayer for this precious piece of meat in my body that never fails to play its role to make me live another day to see the sun rises and the moon lightens.

Perhaps I have not been listening to what she says lately. Perhaps I am just too protective of her until I am so afraid to let it open up to build bridges instead of walls. The walls I build around her to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy. But I knew, I am the shield to my heart. I have an obligation to protect it from anymore pain and thus I shall not be easy on that role. I knew how she has gotten hurt too many times and I cannot bear to see how she pretends to be strong when she is only hurting.

Alone is what I believe is the remedy. Standing tall on its own. No, it is not proud or unfriendly. It is just something that I have to do to train her to be like how it used to be. Like a soldier so used to the sounds of guns and bombs, like the commando so used to living in the jungle with little luxuries or none at all. I can see that she is struggling to get out of this maze but it has never been easy. She desires to be with her but I cannot let it happen because I knew it will bring only sorrows and pain.

How much more can she take, I do not know. How much has to be explored and discarded before reaching the naked flesh of feeling. She is at her most vulnerable state right now. To some people the best remedy is to open up, but what good will it do if opening up only invites more pain than cure? My heart has spoken and she just wants to be alone. One's suffering disappears when one lets oneself go, when one yields - even to sadness. One must always remember when dealing with people, it is not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.

Thank You, Beautiful Friends...

Dear Diary,

I have been staring blankly at this screen trying to figure out what I shall be writing today but the mental block disease has just hit me. Here I am with a face that can tell a thousand stories and a pair of eyes that will fall asleep any minute from now trying hard to squeeze the juice out of my brain for words of thoughts or rather wisdom to be put into today's entry. There are things that I want to say so badly but I am holding it because I feel that I should reserved it only to myself. You know that some things are better left unspoken don't you Diary?

I have been writing to a few of my friends almost everyday now and it brought me back to the time when I knew them. Writing to them has somehow help me deal with my lack of friends to share stories with. They help to ease the weight that I have been carrying in my heart. I do not let it all out to them but I simply write to them about my work and how I spent my day. It sure feels good to have someone you know who will read your thoughts and at least make an effort to reply you almost immediately. Everyday, I have made it my routine to send them a message. It has become a habit that I have replaced from writing letters to Flying Babe.

It somewhat brought me to the days when I had just hit rock bottom. Along the way, they came into my life and yes, they helped a bit in the healing process although there was no romance involved between us. They have always been polite and proper. They do not go overboard with their freedom to chat and do not send me signal that they are easy. There will always be a line that they do not cross whenever we chatted or e-mailed. That's how they earned my respect. I remembered how I got so fed up with them because they were too secretive of their well being that I got impatient with them. Well, who wouldn't Diary? But as time goes by, I realised that they deserved to be secretive because they do not manipulate my feelings to like them or to fall for them. They are just the simple next door type of girls who just happen to have the characteristics that I adore in a woman. They did not have to sweet talk me neither did they have to say naughty things to me, all they did was to be themselves; soft and natural. They are a friend of mind. They gather me. The pieces I am, they gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got  women who are friends of your mind.

Perhaps I was the one who fancies them more than they fancy me. I don't know Diary. We drifted apart after awhile and there was no more chat or email sessions, only the occassional "hi" or "hello" greetings in Facebook. And now we started email again and they taught me a whole new perspective of relationships. I supposed as long as we live, we will always have to go through this process of finding and losing someone. It hurts but I supposed that's how it is. What's most important is, we cannot use our charm as a weapon to manipulate other people's feelings. Whatever may be, I knew I have a friend in them regardless of circumstances and I wish the same thing too for all the other friends of mine whoever they may be with a face or without a face for they have touched my life in their own special ways. Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. The beautiful friends with brain. I do like to pass the day with them in serious and inconsequential chatter. I wouldn't mind washing up beside them, dusting beside them, reading the back half of the paper while they read the front. We are friends and I would miss them, do miss them and think of them very often. I don't want to lose this happy space where I have found someone who is smart and easy and don't bother to check their diary when we arrange to meet in reality or virtually.

What have you been up to Diary? Have you been thinking of me like how I have about you? It amazes me how I want to tell you everything that I feel although I knew you are just one lifeless soul. Whatever I felt, I have thought of you almost instantaneously and if I can write to you right there and then, I would. That's how you made me feel Diary.

It is 1 am now and I just came back from an appointment. I met another client of mine who has the intention to sell her flat. She has the same profile of the woman I met a few nights ago. Single, and alone woman in her early forties. For her, the possibility of selling her house is high as she does not intend to buy another house if she sells. This woman is an existing rental client of mine. Remember my first deal Diary? Yes, she is the one. After renting one of her common room, she is thinking of selling her house now as she intends to live with her parents. Her case is bit complicated as it involves other family members of her who do seem to be taking advantage of her situation. I have become more than an agent with her but most significantly I have become a friend. I am happy about it. She trusts me so much that she allows me to have her password for her HDB and CPF account. You see what I mean Diary? This is the kind of agent I want to be to my clients. Alhamdulillah. I have to do some research for her and I hope it will turn out to be fruitful for the both of us. 

It will depend on the result of my research to influence her to sell or rent her whole unit. I did not push her to sell because I want her to make her own decisions. Oh Diary, being an agent really makes me see what are the circumstances awaiting me if I do not prepare for my retirement from young. This is really a very insightful career and I do not plan to quit. I want to keep trying until I succeed for my own betterment. I like my career and I am loving it bit by bit as days go by.

To you and all my beautiful friends with lots of love and hugs, I catch you tomorrow. Always be with me in my silence and isolation...

Motivational...Period!

I Can See Clearly Now...

Dear Diary,

I just came back from my prospecting and I believed I have made myself proud and happy. No, I did not get the owner to sell but I have managed to gain her trust in my service. I did what I was supposed to do, to educate and share my knowledge. She was staying alone with a friend and by reading between the lines I knew she is single. She offered me a cup of green tea and quickly made myself comfortable.

While she was preparing the tea, I took out my netbook, notepad and all the other things necessary to get the presentation started. I made small talks with her to find out more about her intentions. She is undecided between selling or renting her house. I advised her on the renting procedures and how much she can rent her flat for, what are the types of tenants she can get and what she must expect from renting her flat. It was easy to talk to her because firstly, she is an educated woman and she is open minded. She comprehends explanations without any problems and she is quite a thinker. I knew it then that there is nothing to hide from this woman. Let the truths be revealed and I will gain her trust.

After talking about rental procedures, I moved on to selling. I checked her ownership and verified it. I then did her financial calculations. She is 51 years old and looking at her current situation I honestly cannot advise her to sell her flat even though it will be a positive sales. Now Diary, a positive sale means a sale with profit/cash proceeds. Her cash proceeds would reach almost 60K but still I wouldn't advise her to sell. Her current balance in CPF is just way too little. Her plan is to sell and then buy a flat unit of the same type as she is living now. Obviously it would be of almost the same price as how much she is selling. She still has about 52K of outstanding mortgage to service. If she were in her mid thirties or early forties, yes I would advise her to sell but she is 51 and it is really not a good idea to sell even though she would make that much money. She would end up with more mortgage to pay and that is a NO-NO when you have reach 50 years old.      

So the best option for her is to rent her flat and look for somewhere else to live. With rental rate as high as 1.7K for her flat she can easily pay off her mortgage in 5 years time if she uses the money to pay off her mortgage. I believed I have explain it well to her and I guess the prospecting went ok. Not too good and not too bad but one thing I know I have probably widen my circle of clientele base. I need that for a starter. New agents do not have referrals and we rely so much on new people we meet. It is like farming you know, you farm trust in the people you meet and InsyaAllah one day you will get the rewards. 

I did not go home feeling dissapointed but instead I felt rather relieved and glad. I started to imagine myself when I will be 51 years old. Would I be facing the same problems like she does or will I be well off by then? I am single, unmarried, childless and I have only one brother left. Who would take care of me when I grow old and where do I seek help financially and emotionally if I ever need one by then? I am sure when the time I turn 51, my parents would be gone and I will be left all alone with my brother. If I do not prepare myself for the worst from now, I will never pull through. I have seen the blessings out of my appointment last night. Allah probably wanted to send me a message to start thinking about my old days now before it is too late. 

I have to make it work Diary. There is no time to waste anymore. I see the real reason why I had to come back to Singapore and why I am in the industry now. There are only two options for me to do now, keep working hard and see the results in 5 years time or quit and get a salaried job. I opted for the former. Before I left her house, she told me that the meeting was an eye opener for her and it made her happy with the options that she has. She said that she might be renting her flat for 4 to 5 years so she could save enough money by then and move back to her flat. There were many things spoken about the issues but one thing I remember most is, she said that she only can see the result of her decision to rent in 4-5 years time. Nothing shows result immediately.

That surely rings a bell. You need time to get fat from eating, let alone to be successful in your career. What's most important is, you must not quit, stop if you must but never quit. I understand it now.   

Mutton Cooking Marathon

Dear Diary,

I cooked dinner for my family again yesterday and I have never spent so much time cooking a single dish that long before in my entire life! Dad bought some mutton and we decided to cook mutton soup. Dad offered to cook but knowing him and the mess he would have created, I volunteered to cook. Mum was at work and she called to tell me to cook earlier as the mutton needs to be done very well. I prepared all the ingredients and started cooking at 1 until 5 in the afternoon. I waited until the meat was really done up well before I switched off the cooker. Wow, I never want to cook mutton or beef again.

I never fancy them anyway. My favourite have always been chicken and seafood. Mutton and beef are the last in my list unless I have them westernly cooked. I remember how my mother forced me to eat a piece of mutton when I adamantly refused. Nobody can reasoned out with my mum and I ended up eating the piece of mutton with tears streaming down my face. I never could figure out why it was such a big deal for her to force me until I am all grown up and I began to understand. I am not fussy when it comes to food. I don't like meat but I can still eat them. So, I supposed being parents we always know what's best for the kids. We want them to grow up not to be difficult. I guess I would do the same to my children if I do have any.

My appointment has been cancelled tonight. I text my client at lunch today and she called me back immediately and apologised profusely. It seemed that she has totally forgotten about our appointment thus she made another appointment with her friend. Well, it's Ramadan right? Everybody seems to be busy making appointments with friends or relatives to break fast together. I have gotten used to having my appointments cancelled. Mostly they are all cancelled by the clients. Agents hardly and unlikely will cancel the appointments because appointments are our jobs. Regardless where it is, we will always try to be there punctually.

This lady that I am meeting tomorrow, I am just so curious about her. She speaks English with an American accent, sounds very cheerful and nice on the phone and very responsible indeed. She owns a HDB flat and I am sure she is over 35 years old. She is the sole owner and I am assuming that she bought the flat under the Single Scheme. Well, I hope I will impress her with my presentation tomorrow and hope that I did not fumble neither would I stammer during the course of my explanations. Speaking to her on the phone already gave me goosebumps. *Chuckles* 

I have yet to practice my presentation skills and to get myself familiar with the calculations formula. I am practising it again tonight. I did farming this morning and I got a phone call from a man who is looking for a 4 room or a 5 room flat. I did not even ask his budget because he was always talking until I had difficulty to interrupt. I wonder why some people can talk so much repetitively. He kept asking what is the purpose of me having the latest recent transacted price stapled together with my flyers if the flats are all sold. I explained and had to re-explained to him again. Nevertheless, I guess this is what my Manager mean when he said there are many kinds of people living in HDB flats that I will meet. True enough, well I am fine with it. I had exposed myself to the society since I was 15 years old when I worked part time in 7-11. I think I can handle it. 

It is true that there are just so many types of people that I will be meeting if my job scope requires me to service the society in general. That's just what a salesperson do. We sell to almost everybody. We do not pre-judged a client, we only qualify them. We still keep their profiles in our database even though they are not qualified because these people will eventually be qualified when their time has come.

Well Diary, I got to go. I need to cook something for my dad. Talk to you later Diary. Take care.  

Coldplay - Fix You [Lyrics]

Spending My Time Today

Dear Diary,

I am writing to you from my netbook. I have got it repaired and this is the first time I am using it since then. It is not really perfect like how it was when I just bought it but I really cannot complain much. The backspace button is not functioning anymore and I have difficulty deleting mispelled words. It can be quite an inconvenienced as it can spoilt my momentum. The technician did not reformat it back to how it was because he said the hard disk space is so small to have the latest IE installed. I understood him but if the manufacturer already pre-installed this netbook with the latest version of IE, why can't he just do the same? Some people just do not listen to his customers need and want do they?

I broke my fast outside again Diary. I had 1 curry puff and 1 fried chicken from Old Chang Kee at Toa Payoh. I bought a packet of iced cold milo after I finished them and I have never felt so full. I have noticed that I am consuming less food since the past 2 months. I have lost a bit of weight and I think it is probably due the stress I have had from work. It is strange how people think working without bosses can be fun and free from stress. It is just human nature isn't it? We never appreciate what we have, always wanting more than what we can have. 

Queing up at Old Chang Kee this afternoon makes me wonder the reasons why it is not so popular in Malaysia. I have just figured it out actually. We don't have roadside food stall vendors here in Singapore and that is the reason why Old Chang Kee is so popular. Almost every estate has it and it has never failed to have long queues of customers waiting patiently for their turn to be served. Looking at the menus they have, one would again wonder why does it attract many customers when the food they sell can easily be made at home. From curry puff to nuggets of all flavours, fried kueh of all types and all the other instant fried food that we can find without any hassle in supermarkets. 

I have missed buying all the fried kueh in Subang Jaya. No need for Old Chang Kee because there are plenty to buy from at the roadside there. I remember the nasi lemak stall situated at the Metro bus stations in USJ. They packed it so nicely at RM1 each with a quarter of boiled egg and a sprinkled of anchovies. It tasted good and how I digged into them for my simple lunch alone in my room while watching the television. Oh Diary, how I missed my life over there. I did not live luxuriously but it is the simplicity that I miss most. At times I would stopped by at Mydin first to grab one or two steam hotdogs to go along with the nasi lemak. I guess that's what I would miss most about living in Malaysia. The food that I can have anywhere anytime and how easy it was to park my car without really bothering if it is legal or illegal. Well, different country has different habits. I somehow feel more comfortable driving in Malaysia than in Singapore. 

I went to my office this evening after my simple fast breaking ceremony to learn how to do the financial calculations. I had a one to one lesson from my manager. I initiated the lesson because I knew I need it badly. I have a prospecting appointment this Wednesday evening remember Diary? I am feeling somewhat hopeful that this owner will give me the exclusivity to sell her house. I got to do a financial calculations first for her and show her the big picture first before she can decide to proceed to sell her house or not. I am going to practise my presentation skills and work on the formulas tomorrow until I perfected it. Most of the experienced agents said that they rehearsed their presentation skills many times before they go prospecting. I supposed it is true that practice makes perfect.

I will probably stand infront of the mirror tomorrow and speak to myself. Oh geezz...I think I would spend most of the times giggling and chuckling instead of rehearsing my presentation. You know how cheeky and mischievious I can get don't you Diary? I am going to do my farming again tomorrow and I hope it won't rain. Rainy days make me lazy. *Chuckles* Well, who won't anyway? Go out there and ask everybody and I bet most of them would agree with me.      

Oh Diary, I got to go now. I need some sleep. You take care Diary. I love you.

I Am Wishing For Positivity

Dear Diary,

I think my laptop has finally gave way. I tried to switch it on just now but I couldn't. It froze on the same window and never got to my desktop. I did not hit it neither did I throw it on the floor like I always did whenever it goes haywire. I have started to accept the fact that it is dying and it is really time for me to replace it with a new one. I am not letting my anger take control of situation anymore. Kudos to me? Well, I am not mad at it anymore. I am just realising the truth and the truth about my laptop has just sunk in.

This morning at 10 I was woken up by the ringing of my second phone. I was still fast asleep then and I really thought that I was dreaming so I ignored the call. Then, I heard it again and this time I realised that my phone was ringing literally. I looked at the number and I knew it then it could be a potential client who called. I answered the call trying hard not to sound like I had just woken up and the voice on the other side requested to speak to me saying my name like how I printed on my flyers. I knew it then that this was really going to be a potential client.

It was a woman with a querky American accent and I just thought that she sounded nice. We spoke and I soon got to know that she wants to sell her house but wants to know how much cash proceeds she will be getting from the sale of her house if she sells it. She was very straightforward and I could tell that her intentions are genuine. I asked her a few crucial questions and I offered to pay her a visit so I could advise her and do a financial calculations for her to help her make the decision. Upon offering, she instantly agreed to welcome me and we made an appointment for this Wednesday evening at her place. I felt good about it.

I have to admit that I was pretty much ecstatic about it and I silently said my thanks to Him. I supposed he has listened to my prayers and again he has given me the message that the farming I did will eventually lead to positive results if I just stubbornly and patiently persevered. I cannot be too confident now that this lady will sell and give me the exclusivity but at least I can have some kind of hope that she will. All I have to do now is to pray even harder that the appointment will be successful.

I have to go to the office tomorrow and learn how to do the financial calculations in details from my Manager and I will practise it at home until I am very clear about the formulas. I will keep on practising until I get it right and understand. I will also have to get my netbook repaired because I surely need my netbook then. I need to check on her mortgage balances online and also check on the ownership status. 

I am very pumped up now Diary. I am just glad you know. Perhaps it is too soon for me to feel like this since this is the very first stage of turning prospect into my client but I cannot help it. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah!!! I shared this news with my friend without a face the minute I hung up the phone. I just wanted to share this with her you know and my mum of course.

I am sending my netbook to the service centre tomorrow. I hope they are able to fix it by Wednesday. I really need it by then. I got to do lots of preparations before my visit and hope that I will not get too nervous to even illustrate even the simplest things to her. I have known to have cold feet when it comes to situation like this. My palms get all sweaty and I would stammer making a fool of myself. My heart will beat like a million times in a second and if I am not careful enough, I might just froze right there and then looking like a robot with dead batteries, hopeless and helpless.

I am admitting to you Diary that in the midst of the excitement, there is a little place in my heart missing her and how her presence in my life although far and away kisses all the troubles away. I wish I could have just told her how much I have been missing her. I wish I would have the strength to tell her that within her I lose myself, without her I find myself wanting to be lost again and the days of her absence, sad and dreary, clothed in sorrow's dark array, I am weary; she I love is far away.

No one would understand what my heart is trying to say. It is so complex that I find it hard to understand myself. The footprints she has left are still there that even the tide coming in cannot wash them away. I wish she had known about this but I am too shy to tell what my heart desires. It is not ego but it is an ultimate respect for someone that I dearly regards. The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected.

The most and the best motivational video on the planet

To Hope For Good...

Dear Diary,

I have a group meeting tonight at the office at 7 in the evening so it looks like I will be having some sandwich and a packet of Milo to break my fast tonight. How are you Diary? It seems ages since I asked the last time. I am fine Alhamdulillah. In this month of Ramadan, I supposed I just have to be contented with how I feel and what I have. I know I am missing a few things in my life but what can I say and do except to wait patiently with all the hopes that I have left in myself.

I have started my farming again. Farming in this month of Ramadan has taught me that it is not easy to be doing physical work when you fast. I sweat and I became thirsty yesterday but I knew it was nothing compared to the Muslim warriors who fought in wars during Ramadan so many many centuries ago to uphold Islam. Although I can never compare my effort with them, but I hope to at least carry their spirits with me. I did three blocks Diary and I spent most of my times wiping the sweat away from my forehead. I have hope that all the farmings I have done will be fruitful someday. I don't know when but I know the day will come.

I did it alone without the little teddy bear Flying Babe gave me. I never take it to wherever I go anymore since that time I got her message. Sometimes I do take it out and hold it in my hands just to feel it you know. For all the times, I have grown so accustomed to having it with me and it feels a little awkward now without it around. I have to admit that I feel it is alive sometimes, like my little child. I never dropped it knowing that it might get hurt and I never ignored it sensing that it will only upset it. It is crazy but that little teddy bear brought out a child in me. It also brought out the other side of me that my friends have never seen before; being vulnerable to circumstances concerning love.

I got another message from Flying Babe again a few days ago. She asked me to write to her if I still have her in my heart even as a friend. She also said that if she has to wait a million years for me to accept her back as a friend, she would. She said she did not want to let me go just like that. I have become so quiet towards her since that day. I have lost for words to say and speak to her. Everything about me, I have thought that she does not deserve to know anymore. I have stopped writing to her and I will not write to her again. I am saving myself Diary. It is most important for me to know when to walk away.

Yes, I must always hope but not like this. In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man's torments but you know that when the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." All I do to myself is get confuse even more with all the beliefs. Well, one thing for sure love is so abstract that you can never take its definition as it is. I hope for good wealth and health but I have stop hoping for love or romance in my life.  
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I have been praying to Allah. I asked him to strengthen my faith, endurance and patience. I can be weak sometimes Diary. I need to have patience as strong as a diamond and endurance as big as the Atlantic ocean. Things have not been smooth lately but what can I expect? If things would have been easy for everybody, life would be so boring without challenges and everybody would be successful without having to sweat.

Mum spoke to me last night and I will always remember what she said. I guess she wants me to be successful just as much as how I want it too. She has seen me struggling for all the years and times I was out of her womb until today. That's what a mother does, she observes and she prays for me. I hope I will not disappoint her anymore because I want to believe no matter what they say, hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if I just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.

نشيد "رمضان" الرائع لمشاري العرادة Great "Ramadan" Nasheed

Salam Ramadan...

Dear Diary,

It is that month again in the Islamic calendar where all Muslims regardless where they are fast at the beginning of dawn everyday in this month we call Ramadan. I am here in Singapore and I have once again felt how it is like to fast in the presence of my family. It is good as I know my 'buka' and 'sahur' will be more wholesome and less lonely like the previous Ramadan.

2008...that is the year I broke up with Infinity and how I remembered when 'azan' was heard to say that 'Maghrib' had came, I was alone almost every night and I helped myself to the food I bought for 'buka'. I supposed 2008 is the most sad and lonely Ramadan for me. At times I wondered how did I ever get through it all. It was quite torturous and miserable having to break my fast all alone or with faces I was very unfamiliar with. Food became tasteless naturally and 'Syawal' did not seem to excite me anymore like how it used to when I was little.

I recalled how I fed myself with a spoonful of rice with tears streaming down my cheek because I missed her company so much that I felt like a lost puppy. It was very painful and I remembered how I hoped that someone would just ring me up and hang with me to break the fast together. On good days, I was with my friends but even with company, I did not feel happy. My heart was yearning for something that I knew I couldn't have anymore. It was probably the broken heart syndrome that made me feel that way. I supposed back then, even if I had the company of the most gorgeous and popular female artist, still I would feel the same. I guess it is the familiarity and the level of comfort that I had for her that it seemed no one else could ever replaced.

I overcame that period of my life on my own. Things are so much better now. I am broke but I am happy, well at least my heart is in one piece. I have no friends now but I do not feel that I am alone. I have grown stronger from all the mishaps, heartbreaks and adversities I faced in 2008. I am confident that if I were to make a comeback to Subang Jaya, I would have no problem breaking my fast all by myself, in fact I might even enjoy it. I have begun to enjoy being single and alone. I am slowly returning to what I was before; emotionally independent. It is sure fulfilling to be feeling this way, without having to be dependent on people to make me happy. I began to realise that if a person were given all of the world and what is in it, it would not fill this emptiness. Once and for all, I can say to myself that I can be happy and feel less lonely even when I am single. There is no more love in my life but if I can manage to smile about it, then I believe I am blessed.

Diary, I miss the times when I would stroll down the bazaar Ramadan in SS18 and never fail to buy myself the samosa from my favourite stall. I miss the times when I would cook for my friends and we broke our fast together with simple but decent meals. I miss the times when I was never short of friends to hang with. Ultimately, I miss being in Subang Jaya where I always feel at liberty.

I cannot deny that occasionally I do miss the moments when I had someone special in my life where I can share my stories with her. Or perhaps, when I had a list of friends that I can call to hang with. Times have changed on my side, it is the distance and there is nothing I can do about it. I supposed the happy hours of my life is over and it is time now to focus on serious things and be more responsible. I cannot lead a carefree life anymore because being carefree makes me less productive, hide my true talents and hinders me from being more that what I can be.

This Ramadan, I am going to make good use of it. I hope I can catch the 'LailatulQadar' and pray to Allah like I have never before. I want to pray for good health, good wealth and for an everlasting happiness that would last for as long as I live. I want to pray for my parents, my family and the good friends I have in my life. Prayer is like a weapon, and a weapon is only as good as the person who is using it; it is not merely the matter of how sharp it is. If the weapon is perfect and free of faults and the arm of the person using it is strong, and there is nothing stopping him, then he can lay waste the enemy.  

I am back to being the one woman crusader that I have always thought myself to be. I have learnt to be aware of every hour and how it passes and only spend it in the best possible way; not to neglect myself, but keep accustomed to the noblest and best of actions, and send to my grave that which will please me when I arrive to it.

Salam Ramadan to you Diary.

Aku Mahu Kerja, Aku Benci Cinta

Hello Diary,

Izinkan aku menulis di dalam bahasa Melayu kepadamu pada malam ini sekali lagi. Aku seperti rindu mahu menulis lagi dan aku harap kali ini aku boleh menyampaikan apa hasrat di hatiku dengan lebih mudah dan senang untuk difahami. Sudah berapa lama engkau menunggu tulisan Melayu aku? Aku sedang kebingungngan kerana aku tidak pasti sama ada aku boleh atau tidak. Maksud aku, sudah tentu aku boleh tetapi aku tidak tahu adakah ia akan lebih bagus dari tulisan yang sebelumnya.

Tidak banyak yang berlaku hari ini. Ia seperti semalam di mana aku tidak berhasil membuat sebarang appointment dengan client-client aku. Aku bangun pada pukul 730 pagi dan aku terus keluar dari bilik tidurku. Seperti biasa Hang Jebat kucing gemuk aku sudah menunggu di luar pintu dan menyahut kepadaku apabila dia mendongak melihat wajahku yang mungkin penuh dengan air liur basi. Wahai Diary, aku sangat sayang sekali dengan kucing-kucingku walaupun aku agak kasar dengan mereka tetapi aku sebenarnya sayang pada mereka. Tidak pernah aku memukul atau memarahi mereka kerana mungkin aku dilahirkan dengan penuh rasa kasih sayang dan aku sudah dididik dari kecil untuk menyayangi binatang. 

Teringin juga aku menyayangi seorang wanita seperti mana aku menyayangi kucing kucingku. Itulah dia mungkin anugerah Tuhan kepada aku. Aku lebih bersifat penyabar dan penyayang kepada binatang daripada manusia. Tetapi aku tahu bukan aku seorang sahaja yang begitu. Ramai lagi animal activist di dunia ini yang mempunyai kasih sayang sebesar dunia terhadap binatang. Aku amat kagum dengan pencinta binatang kerana tanpa mereka, siapalah yang boleh menjaga hak asasi binatang? Sememangnya binatang tidak dapat dan tidak boleh mempertahankan diri mereka daripada kekejaman manusia yang selalunya mementingkan diri sendiri. 

Wahai Diary teman sejati aku...apa khabar engkau disana? Aku tidak begitu gembira hari ini sebab aku tahu aku sudah kehilangan 2 clients. Aku tahu di mana silapnya tapi aku tidak mahu bercakap lagi tentang itu sebab aku akan berasa makin sedih dan mungkin jugak ia akan membuat aku rasa kecewa dan tidak berguna. Aku telah mencuba tapi mungkin percubaan aku tidak cukup atau mungkin memang bukan rezeki aku. Apa apa pun yang kita buat, kita harus beringat bahawa rezeki semuanya datang dari Tuhan. Yang penting aku tahu aku sudah berusaha dan mencuba. Cukup atau tidak usaha aku, biar Tuhan sahaja yang mengadili asalkan aku jangan menipu diri sendiri. 

Jikalau aku bercakap mengenai pekerjaan aku, aku akan berasa sedikit murung atau kecewa. Engkau dan aku tahu kenapa sebabnya. Ramai yang menyangka bahawa menjadi agent rumah adalah pekerjaan yang mudah sekali. Tetapi itu tidak benar. Petang tadi seorang kawan aku dari Malaysia mengirim sms kepadaku mengatakan kawannya yang baru sahaja menceburi bidang property selama 2 minggu sudah mempunyai 3 transactions. Kononnya hebat sekali kawannya itu. Aku diam pada mulanya tetapi seperti biasa aku tidak senang hati sebab memang pantang aku berdiam apabila aku rasa perlu berdebat. 

Setibanya di rumah, aku mengirim sms kepadanya. Bukan niat aku hendak berdebat tetapi aku geram dengannya kerana mana boleh dia bandingkan performance aku dengan kawannya. The real estate industry in Malaysia and Singapore are way so much different. Banyak sangat perbezaannya sehingga aku malas untuk menulis mengenainya. Di Singapura, banyak red tapes terutama sekali HDB flats. Sudah diketahui ramai bahawa setiap clients yang ingin membeli rumah HDB, sekurang kurangnya agent akan membawa mereka viewing sebanyak 10 hingga 15 kali baru lah clients itu beli. Dan tentang sewa pula, di Singapura lebih banyak demands daripada supply. Di sini selalunya agents mengamalkan sikap co-broking atau bekerjasama antara agents di mana listings milik agent A dan clients pula milik agent B. Banyak sekali regulations dan system kerja real estate agents di Singapura yang jauh beza daripada di Malaysia. Aku penat untuk bercerita kerana mata aku sudah ngantuk. Naik menyampah pula aku dengan kawan aku...bercakap semacam bagus. Tidak tahu menahu tentang soal property di Singapura mahu pula bersuara...jikalau dia di depan aku, tentu aku sumbatkan timun ke dalam mulutnya dan akan aku ketuk-ketuk kepalanya sesuka hatiku. HAHAHAHAH....

Aku sedang dalam proses mengajar diri aku bersabar dan pada masa yang sama berusaha menjadi seorang yang lebih baik di dalam bidang yang akan aku buat sebagai career aku. Aku hanya membayangi masa hadapan aku di dalam 5 tahun akan datang atau pun 3 tahun akan datang. Aku penat, ya, kadang-kadang aku rasa seperti mahu berhenti tetapi aku kasihan melihat ibu bapaku. Aku hanya manusia Diary. Aku bukan superwoman atau wonderwoman yang gagah perkasa. Satu hari, aku harus mengaku kalah pada keadaan, itu sudah pasti tapi aku tidak akan patah semangat. Aku tidak akan berhenti mencuba kerana aku tahu jikalau ini jalan yang aku pilih, aku harus finish what I have started.

Jangan khuatir Diary, aku tidak akan berhenti mencuba. Tiada perkara lain yang boleh aku buat melainkan ini yang akan menjanjikan pulangan yang lumayan untuk aku membawa ke Subang Jaya. Walaupun dia sudah tiada lagi, tapi aku masih ada cita-cita di sana. Walaupun seorang diri, aku pasti aku boleh. Biar berseorangan asalkan hati aku tidak hancur. Mungkin sudah merajuk hati aku diperbuatkan oleh cinta. Jikalau cinta datang mengetuk di pintu hati aku, akan aku tendang cinta itu jauh jauh kerana dia tiada kerja lain selain menghancurkan dan menyakitkan. Sungguh bodoh cinta itu. Aku benci dengan cinta.

Aku tidur dulu Diary. Air liur aku sudah tidak sabar hendak keluar. Wahh, bunyi macam pantun pulak...eheh.... 

The Fray - How to save a life (lyrics)

Going Back To Basics

Dear Diary,

I think I wanted so much to close some deals that I am feeling all stressed up right now. I have 2 listings and 3 leads in my pocket and if I am just lucky enough, with endless matchmaking I might be able to close the deals. Well, I have tried and I am still trying. I supposed it has taken its toll on me. I have been so busy matching the leads with the listings that I remember less about her. She still comes to memory at times but I ignored it. What can I do anyway? I even dreamt of her last night and it was the same dream I had of her the very first time I had a dream about her. It is weird that dreams know just how are we supposed to dream about a particular person to suit the relationship we have have with that person. It is just so amazing.

The valuer called me up today and asked if she could come to valuate the house this afternoon at 4pm. I almost wanted to ask her if she was crazy but I did not. Oh come on Diary, she called me at 3pm ok. What did she think she is? Barack Obama?? I believe even Obama does not do that. Give me a break for goodness sake. That is the thing with some people you know, they always make decisions based on their convenience at the expense of others. I told her to come this Friday and she made an appointment with me at 830am. Geezz...!! It is a good thing that I have been practising to be an early bird, oh well, what the heck, at least I can put my practice into some good use can I?

I have to tidy up my house a little before the valuer comes especially my room. You know, my room is beginning to look like a garage since I came back. You know that I had no plans of coming back to Singapore don't you? So my family turned my room into a garage. There are boxes everywhere, all the little furnitures that have been packed are stored in my room and when I made the decision to come back, sadly I have to sleep with these boxes too. I did not complain even till now because I know I have lost the privilege since I decided not to come back to Singapore.

I hope to be efficient in my work nowadays. Although I have not make any closure of transactions, I feel that I have progressed a little. I have known how to check for ownership of flats online, I have known how to submit units for advertisements, I have known how to handle phone enquiries and I have learnt how to manage my time a little. I think I should just rise up and be thankful, for if I didn't learn a lot today, at least I learned a little, and if I didn't learn a little, at least I didn't get sick, and if I got sick, at least I didn't die; so, I guess I just want to be thankful.

If I do not manage to close all my rental leads, I am just going to take it easy because they are probably not meant for me. Isn't that right Diary? I do not want to stress myself anymore. It is really making me edgy nowadays. I supposed I simply have to go back to basics and believe that every little thing happens for reasons and I will have to teach myself how to identify the reasons. It is all in the attitude isn't it Diary? Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. At least I know I have tried to close the deals.

Oh...I hate it when I sound so positive and optimistic like this. I feel like I have to puke sometimes. I mean, I am not a super positive person neither I am a super negative person but I just want to be human you get what I mean? I run and I stumble, I fell and I got right back up again. I am a little deaf, a little blind, a little impotent, and on top of this are two or three abominable infirmities, but nothing destroys my hope to be successful. It is just a matter of time. I cry, I laugh and I curse. Some people may like me and some people don't. What can I do Diary? This is life I am talking about. Not everybody will like my ways. I get confuse sometimes over why people get so sensitive over petty issues that they forgot what they have done are far worse that what others have done to them.

People have called me names that can be deemed as vulgar but I always look at their intentions first before I want to give them a piece of my mind and most importantly, I look at myself in the mirror before I even begin to start my 2 cents worth of advice. We all know there is a very thin line that separates naughty harmless teasings and rude vulgar teasings, if we still do not know how to differentiate, then we might as well flock together with people only with the same kind of manners like us but do not ever think we are perfect because nobody is.

Hope To Bring It On

Dear Diary,

Nothing much happened today. I took quite a bit of time to get out of bed today. As soon as I did, I hurriedly did my household chores and I planned my day. I did not go farming instead I went to my office to get some listings for my clients. I also applied for e-valuation for my house and the valuers will be contacting me in 3 days time. I did everything online and I wondered to myself what would ever happened without the internet nowadays. People can do everything at home. The technology can really act as a bridge to people and businesses.

I have been talking a lot to Gummy Bear lately. Do you still remember her Diary? Talking to her somehow makes me miss Subang Jaya and my lifestyle there. I miss the times when I often had friends coming over just to hang. At times they spent the night in my house and we just watched DVD and simply filled our time with empty talks. I miss my car and how I miss the convenience of having a car to take me to places. At times while I am working here, I would picture myself driving to the nearest coffee shop to buy take away lunch or to just cruise around Subang Jaya just to kill my time.

It is not easy to be back when your heart does not really want to do so. I keep trying to talk to my heart but I am not getting a hint that it is listening to me. What else can I do Diary? I have not catch up with my friends here in Singapore except for Hippo. Most of them are married with children and we have lost in touch since graduation. I feel lousy sometimes. I am not complaining Diary but I just want to tell, you know. Just wanna talk it out. I miss my friends there and what I used to do. It is that time again when I reminisce of how my lifestyle was once upon a time ago.

How are you Diary? Has life been treating you good? Life has been fair to me, Alhamdulillah. I am stressed from work but I am hanging on because I know Allah will not test me with something that I cannot take. If everything in the world is easy, then most of us would be complacent and discontented. There will be no sense of achievements then, right?

I have a dream that I have to achieve. I came back to Singapore for reasons that only I know. I like it or not, I have to be here. I have moved on but I know I have not moved forward yet. I supposed it is time now. Diary, just stay close to me ok.

Good night Diary.

My Productive Sunday

Dear Diary,

I was supposed to have 4 viewing appointments today but 2 was cancelled at the very last minute. I was walking towards the meeting place when I received a text message from the agent representing the tenants that the appointment was cancelled. I was kind of pissed than dissapointed. Firstly, the agent who represents the tenant called me up after midnight last night making an appointment with me. Apart from that he talked as if he will definitely closed the deal. He asked me lots of questions that somehow made me feel so small and inefficient.

I was telling you about checking the ownership of the unit yesterday wasn't I Diary? Well, it came from him. He asked if I have gotten my contract ready and have checked on the ownership. I have gotten my contract ready but I did not do a check on the ownership because firstly I did not have the exclusivity on the unit and secondly Vivian has a couple of agents serving her. I have to admit my mistake for not checking first but I honestly did not appreciate how this agent talked to me about my mistake.

He called me up after midnight and persuaded me to secure an appointment for him exclusively. He talked with full of confidence that his clients will like this unit and make an offer and even told me to try to stop other agents from viewing the unit. I was almost dumbfounded. When he knew that I have not checked the ownership, he started his little prep talk and said that I might be wasting his time if Vivian is not the rightful owner and how I should have done my homework first before I posted the advertisements. I let him talked and just listened to him because after all he was right. However, I did not like how he conveyed his message. He was bold and full of air, stinking one of course.

I told him the viewing only starts at 3 and he in a very typical Singaporean manner, 'die die' wanted to push me to have the viewing appointment for him at 11 in the morning so that we would be earlier than other agents. He actually got me to plan together with him and he made me wondering if I was an agent or a spy for a minute. It was rather comical when I recall about it. Amazingly, I participated in the planning. Duuhh....silly me! 

So there he went, bla bla bla and yadda yadda yadda...what I was supposed to do and how we were going to make the deal go through. Honest to God, I was really thinking that this was going to work as he was full of confidence that his clients agree with the price and unit (even without viewing the unit). So there I was, in the morning when I woke up, checked the ownership of the unit and made viewing arrangements for him at 3pm. 

So as I was walking to the block for my first appointment of the day, this bugger text me and told me he had to cancel the appointment because his clients wanted a cheaper unit elsewhere. It was 2.50pm. I froze when I read his message. After all the trouble he made me went through, after all the time I spent with him on the phone planning to execute the little plan we had and after he without lacking a bit of confidence telling me how his clients had agreed on the price and unit, now he is telling me he had to cancel. Damn this bugger! It was a lucky thing that I got a few other phone calls and I managed to secure another appointment at 530pm and another at 9pm. 

In most cases, it is the norm for agents to have cancelled appointments. We agents are so used to it because we know, the clients are usually the one who cancelled appointments. Agents hardly cancel. And in most cases too, we would just understand and accept cancelled appointments. However, in my case I became very much unhappy with this particular agent. He talked so much about how I did not do my homework, he said that I might be wasting his time and he also said that I should have checked the ownership as I am paid to do so and after so much talk, he cancelled the appointment. Screw him. I text him back in a very diplomatic way to put some sense into his brain. I felt happy after that. Well at least he knows what goes around comes around. No need to talk so much if you cannot make the decision, ultimately the clients are always the king. 

Oh well, Diary...at least now I am progressing a bit. I have gotten the hang of it a little. The more viewings I have, the more likely my chances of closing deals is high. I am beginning to feel how it really feels like to be an agent. Getting belittled by other smart ass agents, getting your appointments cancelled at the very last minute and having almost half your appointments cancelled on the same day. Wow...it really is not easy to be one. It takes lots of patience and perserverance. I am hanging on because I am tough! Am I? We will see.

Good night Diary. There is always a soft spot for you in my heart.    

Vonda Shepard - Baby, Don't You Break My Heart Slow

P.s. I love you till the end - when you re gone