I have a group meeting tonight at the office at 7 in the evening so it looks like I will be having some sandwich and a packet of Milo to break my fast tonight. How are you Diary? It seems ages since I asked the last time. I am fine Alhamdulillah. In this month of Ramadan, I supposed I just have to be contented with how I feel and what I have. I know I am missing a few things in my life but what can I say and do except to wait patiently with all the hopes that I have left in myself.
I have started my farming again. Farming in this month of Ramadan has taught me that it is not easy to be doing physical work when you fast. I sweat and I became thirsty yesterday but I knew it was nothing compared to the Muslim warriors who fought in wars during Ramadan so many many centuries ago to uphold Islam. Although I can never compare my effort with them, but I hope to at least carry their spirits with me. I did three blocks Diary and I spent most of my times wiping the sweat away from my forehead. I have hope that all the farmings I have done will be fruitful someday. I don't know when but I know the day will come.
I did it alone without the little teddy bear Flying Babe gave me. I never take it to wherever I go anymore since that time I got her message. Sometimes I do take it out and hold it in my hands just to feel it you know. For all the times, I have grown so accustomed to having it with me and it feels a little awkward now without it around. I have to admit that I feel it is alive sometimes, like my little child. I never dropped it knowing that it might get hurt and I never ignored it sensing that it will only upset it. It is crazy but that little teddy bear brought out a child in me. It also brought out the other side of me that my friends have never seen before; being vulnerable to circumstances concerning love.
I got another message from Flying Babe again a few days ago. She asked me to write to her if I still have her in my heart even as a friend. She also said that if she has to wait a million years for me to accept her back as a friend, she would. She said she did not want to let me go just like that. I have become so quiet towards her since that day. I have lost for words to say and speak to her. Everything about me, I have thought that she does not deserve to know anymore. I have stopped writing to her and I will not write to her again. I am saving myself Diary. It is most important for me to know when to walk away.
Yes, I must always hope but not like this. In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man's torments but you know that when the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." All I do to myself is get confuse even more with all the beliefs. Well, one thing for sure love is so abstract that you can never take its definition as it is. I hope for good wealth and health but I have stop hoping for love or romance in my life.
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I have been praying to Allah. I asked him to strengthen my faith, endurance and patience. I can be weak sometimes Diary. I need to have patience as strong as a diamond and endurance as big as the Atlantic ocean. Things have not been smooth lately but what can I expect? If things would have been easy for everybody, life would be so boring without challenges and everybody would be successful without having to sweat.
Mum spoke to me last night and I will always remember what she said. I guess she wants me to be successful just as much as how I want it too. She has seen me struggling for all the years and times I was out of her womb until today. That's what a mother does, she observes and she prays for me. I hope I will not disappoint her anymore because I want to believe no matter what they say, hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if I just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.
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