My Heart Has Spoken

Dear Diary,

I have been talking to my heart a lot lately and I have realised that she is not doing that well. Many things happened in the past that is making her sore. I know she is healing but the healing process does not happen instantly. She has taken too many blows more than she can handle. At times, she wishes that the blows can stop but who is she to wish such a thing because she knows it is beyond her control. Perhaps, if she could have shields guarded around her, she would not feel this bad after all but shields do not come easily. It is not like how virtual games are played where shields are often gotten easily when you have reached certain stage in that game. This is reality and dealing with reality is hard especially when you have taken blows after blows until you feel that you cannot take no more.

But then again, what is life without challenges, obstacles and heartaches? My heart is merely a piece of living organ in my body that functions according to what God has wanted. Emotions and feelings are two entities that made up what the heart can feel entirely. Emotions and feelings are often the deeper truth, the opinion the more superficial one. If my heart is made up of stone, I would say that I will be a piece of rock but no, my heart is not a piece of stone. She is a living thing that helps me feel the joy and sadness from all the life experiences I have had throughout the time my lung breathes for air.

I understand how my heart functions and I comprehend what she is going through but I am only human with a sentimental soul. Often, I would simply put my palm on my chest hoping that it helps to ease the pain or burden that she is carrying. What else can I do except to say a little prayer for this precious piece of meat in my body that never fails to play its role to make me live another day to see the sun rises and the moon lightens.

Perhaps I have not been listening to what she says lately. Perhaps I am just too protective of her until I am so afraid to let it open up to build bridges instead of walls. The walls I build around her to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy. But I knew, I am the shield to my heart. I have an obligation to protect it from anymore pain and thus I shall not be easy on that role. I knew how she has gotten hurt too many times and I cannot bear to see how she pretends to be strong when she is only hurting.

Alone is what I believe is the remedy. Standing tall on its own. No, it is not proud or unfriendly. It is just something that I have to do to train her to be like how it used to be. Like a soldier so used to the sounds of guns and bombs, like the commando so used to living in the jungle with little luxuries or none at all. I can see that she is struggling to get out of this maze but it has never been easy. She desires to be with her but I cannot let it happen because I knew it will bring only sorrows and pain.

How much more can she take, I do not know. How much has to be explored and discarded before reaching the naked flesh of feeling. She is at her most vulnerable state right now. To some people the best remedy is to open up, but what good will it do if opening up only invites more pain than cure? My heart has spoken and she just wants to be alone. One's suffering disappears when one lets oneself go, when one yields - even to sadness. One must always remember when dealing with people, it is not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.