Salam Ramadan...

Dear Diary,

It is that month again in the Islamic calendar where all Muslims regardless where they are fast at the beginning of dawn everyday in this month we call Ramadan. I am here in Singapore and I have once again felt how it is like to fast in the presence of my family. It is good as I know my 'buka' and 'sahur' will be more wholesome and less lonely like the previous Ramadan.

2008...that is the year I broke up with Infinity and how I remembered when 'azan' was heard to say that 'Maghrib' had came, I was alone almost every night and I helped myself to the food I bought for 'buka'. I supposed 2008 is the most sad and lonely Ramadan for me. At times I wondered how did I ever get through it all. It was quite torturous and miserable having to break my fast all alone or with faces I was very unfamiliar with. Food became tasteless naturally and 'Syawal' did not seem to excite me anymore like how it used to when I was little.

I recalled how I fed myself with a spoonful of rice with tears streaming down my cheek because I missed her company so much that I felt like a lost puppy. It was very painful and I remembered how I hoped that someone would just ring me up and hang with me to break the fast together. On good days, I was with my friends but even with company, I did not feel happy. My heart was yearning for something that I knew I couldn't have anymore. It was probably the broken heart syndrome that made me feel that way. I supposed back then, even if I had the company of the most gorgeous and popular female artist, still I would feel the same. I guess it is the familiarity and the level of comfort that I had for her that it seemed no one else could ever replaced.

I overcame that period of my life on my own. Things are so much better now. I am broke but I am happy, well at least my heart is in one piece. I have no friends now but I do not feel that I am alone. I have grown stronger from all the mishaps, heartbreaks and adversities I faced in 2008. I am confident that if I were to make a comeback to Subang Jaya, I would have no problem breaking my fast all by myself, in fact I might even enjoy it. I have begun to enjoy being single and alone. I am slowly returning to what I was before; emotionally independent. It is sure fulfilling to be feeling this way, without having to be dependent on people to make me happy. I began to realise that if a person were given all of the world and what is in it, it would not fill this emptiness. Once and for all, I can say to myself that I can be happy and feel less lonely even when I am single. There is no more love in my life but if I can manage to smile about it, then I believe I am blessed.

Diary, I miss the times when I would stroll down the bazaar Ramadan in SS18 and never fail to buy myself the samosa from my favourite stall. I miss the times when I would cook for my friends and we broke our fast together with simple but decent meals. I miss the times when I was never short of friends to hang with. Ultimately, I miss being in Subang Jaya where I always feel at liberty.

I cannot deny that occasionally I do miss the moments when I had someone special in my life where I can share my stories with her. Or perhaps, when I had a list of friends that I can call to hang with. Times have changed on my side, it is the distance and there is nothing I can do about it. I supposed the happy hours of my life is over and it is time now to focus on serious things and be more responsible. I cannot lead a carefree life anymore because being carefree makes me less productive, hide my true talents and hinders me from being more that what I can be.

This Ramadan, I am going to make good use of it. I hope I can catch the 'LailatulQadar' and pray to Allah like I have never before. I want to pray for good health, good wealth and for an everlasting happiness that would last for as long as I live. I want to pray for my parents, my family and the good friends I have in my life. Prayer is like a weapon, and a weapon is only as good as the person who is using it; it is not merely the matter of how sharp it is. If the weapon is perfect and free of faults and the arm of the person using it is strong, and there is nothing stopping him, then he can lay waste the enemy.  

I am back to being the one woman crusader that I have always thought myself to be. I have learnt to be aware of every hour and how it passes and only spend it in the best possible way; not to neglect myself, but keep accustomed to the noblest and best of actions, and send to my grave that which will please me when I arrive to it.

Salam Ramadan to you Diary.