The Cranberries- Linger lyrics

Cinta Tidak Pernah Disedari Sehingga Saat Perpisahan

Assalamualaikum Diary,

Hari ini aku penat berkerja. Penat sekali sehingga terasa kaki sakit menampung beratnya tanggungjawab berkerja demi untuk mencapai cita-cita. Harap harap kau sihat walafiat Diary. Rindu untuk menulis kepada kau selalu aku rasa tetapi sayangnya masa bukan lagi senang untuk aku miliki. Aku penat bila pulang dari kerja dan minda aku pun tidak boleh berfungsi dengan baik bila penat. Banyak sekali cerita hendak dikongsi sama kau, tapi sungguh kepenatan yang melanda badan dan otak aku mengawal keadaan diri aku sekarang ini. Macam macam yang aku sedang fikirkan untuk kedai yang bakal dibuka. Semuanya di minda sahaja, tidak sempat mencatat di dalam business plan aku.

Hari ini juga aku mendapat email di facebook dari kekasih lama, Infinity. Bukan pertama kali, pernah dia menghantar email kepadaku beberapa kali cuma aku sahaja yang tidak membalas. Bukan sombong tetapi aku cuma mungkin 'malas' untuk membalas. Ya, memang sudah tidak ada rasa kasih sayang kepadanya tetapi itu bukanlah satu alasan untuk aku mendiamkan diri. Entah, mungkin aku masih menyimpan perasaan benci terhadapnya. Ya mungkin itulah yang apa aku rasa sebab tiap kali disebut namanya, aku seolah olah dibawa ke waktu silam yang mengingatkan aku pada waktu dia melayan aku begitu endah tak endah. Yelah, masa itu kan dia sudah ada teman baru, jadi teman lama begitu mudah dia abaikan ataupun lupakan. Things are hot when they are new.

Zalim dan tidak berperasaan. Itu sahajalah yang boleh aku gambarkan bagaimana dia melayan aku sewaktu the last weeks of our relationship. Aku terkontang kanting bagaikan anak anjing kehilangan ibunya. Ya, kisah silam tetapi dia muncul kembali menyatakan dalam emailnya yang dia sebenarnya telah dipergunakan oleh seseorang itu untuk kepentingan si simpulan itu. Kononnya, dia seperti tidak sedarkan diri atau pun di sihir dan mengikut sahaja kehendak si simpulan itu dan secara langsung melupakan dan mengabaikan aku. Aku membalas emailnya setelah 7 jam kemudian. Aku tidak memberi comment apa apa tentang pendirian dia, tetapi aku cuma mengatakan bahawa aku sudah memaafkan dia pada saat aku tinggalkan rumah yang kita kongsi. Sudah 4 tahun berlalu, mana mungkin aku masih ada perasaan sayang atau kasih padanya.

Dia ingin menceritakan sesuatu kepadaku. Seolah olah mahu aku percaya bahawa tindakan dia terhadap aku masa itu bukan kehendak dirinya tetapi atas ilmu hitam yang kononnya digunakan ke atasnya. Dia berkali kali berkata yang semua itu diluar kawalannya. Dirinya telah dipergunakan. Bukan aku tidak boleh percaya dan bukan aku tidak mahu memberi peluang kepadanya untuk bercerita. Memang dari kecil aku dibesarkan secara rational and berlandaskan kepercayaan Islam yang asas. Keluarga aku memang tidak mudah percaya kepada benda benda tahyul. Kalau sakit, kita akan dibawa berjumpa doctor dan bukan bomoh. Kalau terasa atau terdengar sesuatu, kita akan berfikir secara logic dan bukan menyangka yang bukan bukan seperti tempat itu berhantu. Itulah cara aku dibesarkan. Tidak ada komplikasi kepada benda yang mudah.

Memang benar benda halus dan ilmu hitam wujud di mana mana dan memang ada orang yang mempraktikkannya tetapi aku dibesarkan dengan kepercayaan yang utuh ya itu, segala perkara baik atau buruk, semuanya terjadi dengan izin Allah. Jikalau tidak ada keizinan dari Allah untuk perkara buruk atau baik itu berlaku, maka tidak akan berlakulah semua. Kalau kita berjumpa bomoh, dan meminta sesuatu daripadanya, dan benda itu terjadi...mungkin sesetengah orang akan percaya kehebatan bomoh itu dan lupa bahawa Allah yang mengizinkan benda itu terjadi maka terjadilah ia. Syirik dan munafik. Aku bukan golongan itu. Sembahyang aku tidak sempurna, puasa aku tidak pernah cukup sebulan di Ramadan dan aku tidak berhijab tetapi aku tahu Allah Tuhanku dan Nabi Muhammad saw adalah pesuruhnya. Bukan aku tidak percaya pada benda halus ini tetapi aku cuma menjaga akidah aku.

Infinity dibesarkan cara berlainan. Dia keturunan jawa dan memang percaya pada benda benda sebegini. Kalau sakit dijumpanya bomoh, kalau mahu perniagaan bagus, dijumpanya bomoh. Semuanya bomoh yang dia percaya. Mujur masa bersamanya aku tidak mudah terpengaruh dengan cara dia. Dan sekarang dia mahu explain ataupun clarify dengan aku bahawa apa yang berlaku antara kita 4 tahun lalu bukan salah dia dan salah....ilmu hitam? Dia sudah pergi 'berubat' katanya...dan setelah hampir setahun dia 'berubat' baru dia sedar. Dia meminta maaf dari aku dan mengaku yang dia telah membuat banyak kesilapan.

Aku tidak berdendam tetapi aku masih ada sedikit perasaan menyampah dengan sikapnya yang mudah sangat terpengaruh dengan keadaan sekeliling. Seingat aku, akulah yang banyak mengalah dalam perhubungan kita. Kalau tidak disihir pun, aku rasa dia memang lebih pentingkan diri sendiri. Semuanya harus senang untuk dia. Pakciknya seorang bomoh katanya memberitahu bahawa aku mempunyai hati yang hitam dan rakan kongsi businessnya berkata yang aku akan membawa sial dalam hidupnya jika dia tidak meninggalkan aku. Jadi, setelah 4 tahun kalau dia ingin menebus kesilapannya kepada aku hanya dengan alasan disihir atau di ilmu hitam atau putih, semestinya aku menyampah dan muak. Kalau memang betul pun kata katanya, ya, mungkin, tetapi apa yang aku boleh buat sekarang? Masa sudah berlalu, everybody and everything have moved on. Aku pun sudah memaafkan dia. Sudah diberitahu kepada dia, dan selepas itu dia menghantar lagi email, kononnya mahu berjumpa dengan aku for the last time. Oh Dear God...aku pun sememangnya geli dengan kata kata seperti itu lalu aku nasihatkannya tidak perlu to get all emotional about this. Perkara lama, biarkan sahaja ia berlalu.

Memang apa yang berlaku diantara aku dan dia sudah lama berlalu. Kita tidak pernah bertemu selepas berpisah. Masing masing membawa haluan sendiri seperti strangers. Dia cuba beberapa kali untuk berkawan tetapi aku yang mendiamkan diri. Mungkin aku masih perlukan masa membaiki hati, menguatkan semangat dan berjalan terus tanpa menoleh ke belakang. Aku mengaku bahawa pada saat saat aku keluar dari rumah itu, memang terasa sayang pada dia. Selama bersama tidak terasa cinta mungkin sebab aku tahu aku memilikinya setiap saat. Bangun dari tidur, akan ku lihat wajahnya kerana aku tahu dia akan bersamaku pada waktu aku membuka mata dari tidur. Tiba waktu aku tinggalkan dia dan juga rumah yang kami kongsi, terdetik di hati yang mengejutkan dari hayalan bahawa aku hanya menyayangi dia dan tidak mungkin lagi aku berpeluang berbuat demikian lagi. Ternyata dan terbukti sudah, Infinity tidak mengajar aku untuk bercinta...

Hanya dengan seorang sahaja yang aku rasakan cinta dan kini dia pun diam bertemankan sepi. Hanya dia yang mengajar aku apa itu cinta dan memang aku rasakan di saat perpisahan kami...semoga engkau juga merasakan apa yang pernah aku rasa bersama kau...

Man punches teenage girl at McDonald's for line jumping arguement

How To Deal With A Rude Restaurant Cashier

I Knew It Since I was Five

Dear Diary,

I am a happy woman lately. I am saying this because mother and I have begun talking to each other again. Although that is the main reason, there are other reasons too such as I am a little financially sound than before therefore, I am visualising myself running my very own food stall soon. In addition, things at work are looking good for me. Even though I have a leader who practices favouratism, I managed to escape from being her victim.

I am planning carefully for this first phase of getting the business to start. Firstly, I must be financially sound. I must have enough otherwise; it will all defeat the purpose. I must not rush things and I must make sure I secure a good if not the best location for the stall. The menu is planned, the work systems have been drafted and all I need to do is to wait for the time to execute it.

My family and I are planning for a road trip to Thailand or Langkawi. It will be an immediate family affair no relatives or friends. Perhaps it is time for family bonding. I have been working so hard to save for the stall that I barely manage to see my parents at home. I leave home early in the morning and I come home late. It is good that we are going for this trip, as I really need this break.

I have learnt new things at work and I have more responsibilities now. I have learnt how to do gifting for online orders and cargoes release. To sum it up, I have known all the things that I need to do in the department I am in. I am not very good at it all but I have never done any major mistakes that can jeopardise my appraisal. You can say that I am proud of myself. I have never worked in a warehouse before but I am thrill to say that I learn what I need to learn fast and this add up to my existing working experience. I guess it is good for me in a way or two, as I want to end up being my own boss and running my own company. I certainly need a little bit of knowledge of this and that. At least now, I know how to store my stocks and keep a record of my inventories the most efficient way.    

Looking back, I have quite a variety of working experiences. My first job was with Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) where I worked for only two weeks. I was 14 years old and it was during school vacation. I had to learn how to fry the chicken, the fries, made the burgers, whipped potatoes and many more. I am chuckling to myself now reminiscing at the old times. When I was with KFC, I was so unfriendly and socially awkward. I never talked to anybody and I never asked for clear instructions when I came across things I did not know. I supposed I was too shy back then. Well, who could have blamed me because I am naturally shy. My shyness portrayed me as stuck up to some and I swear I was not the favourite among the newbies. I could not care less because I did not feel comfortable there and I could not wait for my shift to end everytime I started work.

The second job I had is with the popular convenience store 7-11. I was 15 years old and it is during school vacation. I worked on weekends doing cashiering job. From there I knew how much sales a convenient store like 7-11 could make in a day. It is no wonder that in Islam, it is said having a business gives you 9 out of 10 ‘rezeki’. I have learnt a lot from working there especially how a staff can do something that is against the law. You can never trust anyone so easily be it in an organisation or outside your organisation. In business, you must hire someone who is smarter than you are but you must not trust anyone more than you trust yourself. If money is not stolen than stocks in the store are the alternatives. I guess this is the business risk of having a convenient store or any other shops.

My third, fourth and fifth jobs are mostly in the food and beverage industry. I have worked in cafes, restaurants and even discos. There are too many to tell. Most of them are all part time employment. I supposed that is where I got my knowledge and skills to run my own food and drink stalls when I was living in Subang jaya. Experience really is the teacher of fools. Nevertheless, I still think that experience does not suffice without common and business sense and most importantly, passion. When you have the skills and expertise, you mix them with your passion and you can make magic. Of course, not all business ventures will be successful. My next few official working experiences come from the customer service and sales. A role in the customer service department tells me the importance of satisfying a customer despite how much they spend for the company. Every customer can be so valuable to a company.

I never really stick to one job for long. I cannot say that I job hop but I changed job quite frequently. The longest job I have had was with a Japanese company as a typographic designer. I self taught myself to use the software. The salary was lucrative and I got plenty of bonuses. My boss liked me very much. I supposed the Japanese favours an employee who put punctuality and discipline first. This is also the last job I had in Singapore before I moved to Subang Jaya. All those job experiences; they taught me things I never could have learnt in college or universities. They taught me about life. It is odd after all those jobs, I still envision myself having my own company being my own boss. I said I wanted to be a boss when I was five. I supposed I knew what I wanted to be since I was five and nothing will ever change that.

I am on my way now Diary to pursue and chase down that passion like it is the last bus of the night. I am going to do it with or without love. 

My New TV and Eidiladha in Tangkak

Dear Diary, 

I bought a new television a month ago and my room has not been quiet ever since. I now have more entertainment and things to do in my room. The last time when my old television was broken, I only had my laptop and iPad as a friend. It sure feels good to have a television back in the room. It adds more spice and flavour. But then again, I have been going to bed late and I often dozed off while the television is on. I guess it is true what the experts say about bedrooms; avoid having a television in bedrooms as it can cause one to turn in late and this will eventually makes one lacking in sleep. I would like to heed that advice however I never want to take my bedroom as literally a bedroom. My bedroom is also my sanctuary at home; a place where I escape from family dramas if there is ever any.

I could put off the idea of buying the new television but I have to admit that I am a little financially sound than before and so I thought I would indulge. I have set aside some money to save for the business and soon I know I will have enough to start it. I had come up with a brilliant idea on how to boost my savings. I am not sure how it will work but it will definitely speed up the waiting period. I have been looking out for any stalls up for rent in the newspaper religiously. I am excited as I know my dreams will come true eventually however, I am a little nervous about it all. I am afraid of failing again. I cannot help but to feel that way.

I suppose I have failed many times to the extent I think failures have become my flesh and blood. As much as I am happy and all pumped up to start the business, I am still remembering my past failures. I have asked myself will it work this time or will it just be the same like the old times. I do not know but deep down inside my heart, I hope and wish that it would be a success because if I fail again this time, I am not sure if I am able to move on from there.  I read somewhere that failure is an event, never a person and there is no failure except in no longer trying but I know those are all motivational talk to brainwash you. I am ready for it but I am afraid of the reality. Am I contradicting myself now? I hope not but I promise you, I will make it work.  

Mother and I have talked a bit in Tangkak during Eidiladha but it just stopped there. I did not know what happened but I thought all was good when we were there. We did not really have long conversations but we did talk. There were many relatives there, the house was crowded with people, and we are the host of the event and the property owner. Perhaps communicating with each other was necessary there. My aunties cooked therefore, the food and drinks need to be served. In this kind of family thing, the host plays the most important role.

There were hiccups here and there but everything was great. I got a little irritated and dissapointed with some of the relatives. I guess in events like this we get to see people’s real colour and character. Who is the laziest, penny-pinching, generous, annoying or the hardworking person? It somewhat makes me agree that our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family.  Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted. Some of them contributed in kind, some contributed monetarily while some simply could not be bothered.

Since the completion of the house in Tangkak, we have been hosting this ‘kurban’ event yearly. It has become a family tradition that almost everybody look forward to attend. I suppose people look forward for the togetherness this event can bring instead of the ‘kurban’ alone. It has become compulsory to buy fireworks and firecrackers when we are there. We spend thousands of Ringgit for them. We buy them discreetly of course. It is amazing how we managed to get these banned items there.

It is fun, colourful and joyful to see how everybody is so happy there. The fireworks we had are a little similar to Singapore’s national day celebration only that they are smaller and shorter in the sky. It was enough to bring smiles and laughter to everyone’s faces and enough to make my mother and I talk. Well, even though it stopped in Tangkak, I still feel blessed about it. I know I have done nothing to make her proud but I hope when the business starts, it will uplift her opinions of me. What she thinks of me matters as an ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship.    

Kelly Clarkson - Mr. Know It All

One Direction - What Makes You Beautiful

Maroon 5 - One More Night

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

Katy Perry - Firework

Adele - Someone Like You

Bruno Mars - Just The Way You Are [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

Chris Medina - What Are Words

Vonda Shepard - Baby, Don't You Break My Heart Slow

Moving On To Pursue Happiness

Dear Diary,

Work has been fine for me. There are a lot to say but I guess I will just leave some stories behind. I have been trying to write to you but I am too tired after work. Staying awake on the train on my way home becomes such a tall order nowadays. Sleepiness has become my best friend and no matter how hard I try to stay awake, I always end up dozing off to bed.

This job is the most physical one I have ever had. What makes it worst is, I have a team of superiors who simply cannot put their mind and heart at ease whenever they see us idling or resting. We cannot sit discreetly for a short while neither can we stand in a group to chat when we are free. It is even worse than a school. We can only smoke during break and really, I am so not used to it. It is not easy working here you know. I am hanging on until I get what I want. When the time comes for me to leave, I will.

Work is as usual, tiring and demanding. There is a new girl I am training currently. She is from Malaysia and it is her first time working in Singapore. Perak is her hometown and I remember what I did when I went there with Pumpkin. I had a great time with Pumpkin you know. We talked a lot about life and stuffs while we were there. Sometimes I miss her company Diary. Pumpkin is married now with a child. She calls me the godmother of her son and yes, that makes me feel honoured. I supposed my relationship with her is at a level where we have such mutual respect for each other.

Pumpkin knows me and she reads me well. Even after I snapped at her for no reason, she would still be there for me. She remembers me for every event she has had in her life. I still remember when she broke the news that she is getting married. I was already back in Singapore then. All I could think of at that time was would I still have my guardian angel in Subang Jaya if I come back for good. I am not sure Diary. Many things have changed with the people I know. People change and so do things. Everybody and everything move on. Even the world changes overnight everyday with day replacing night and night replacing day.

Gummy Bear has gone through another sour breakup. Her ex girlfriend cheated on her but she lied to Gummy Bear saying her parents forced her to get married. I knew it was a lie. Which parents would force a daughter to get married nowadays? We are living in a twentieth century. The minute she told me the story, I knew it was merely something said to avoid from telling the truth. I am not sure if I understood the whole situation but I suppose people tell lies for reasons not to hurt another however, it is more hurtful when the truth comes out. It is like that you know. I had been in both shoes so I know. I had cheated on relationships and I was cheated before. You know I was young, wild and playful. Going steady and breaking off with girls was easy for me. Well, that was of course my past. I supposed out of the many women I had been with, I was in love with only one.

I have heard somewhere that we can love many people but we cannot be in love with so many people at a time. We have to have some kind of a principle that we stand by when it comes to love. I swear I did not know the difference between loving and being in love then until I met her. I love her and I knew I was in love with her because I would do anything for her. I still talk about her and even dream of her. It was not easy mending a broken heart you know Diary. I suppose I kept on being in love with her until the day she told me she has found a new love.

As I said, people move on and sometimes the one person that you really love can only exists in your heart and not in your life. If that makes her happy, so be it even if it makes you unhappy. What matters most in love is her happiness and not yours. Love is too complex to understand so I have stopped trying to understand love. My hardest-learned lesson of love:  that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind.  I never hope for love anymore, all I am hoping for is happiness because I know happiness is eternity.

The Living Proof (From The Motion Picture The Help)

I Will Endure

Dear Diary,

It feels like a long time. I have thought about you but I kept on procrastinating. I am not lazy; I am merely tired from work. You know how my job is like don’t you? It is a very physically demanding job. I wake up at six in the morning and come home late in the evening. I stand for at least 10 hours at work. My feet hurt and my knees get weak as the day passes. I have forgotten what I have told you about my work and what I have not told you. Working here makes me feel so detach to you. I do not have the time to do anything else except to work. I get tired most of the times that I can only afford to take my shower and go to sleep after work.

How are you Diary? I am coming closer to my first full month’s salary for the new job. Things look pretty fine if I just stay focus to save for the stall. I must stay focus. I cannot afford to lose it this time. I have come so far and have waited for so long. Things at work are not all rainbows and butterflies but I do not give a damn about it. People here are rowdy with very poor capability to maintain good rapport among themselves. They are not diplomatic when it comes to solving issues neither are they sensitive to disputes. Quarells and dissatisfactions happen almost everyday. I hear complains and a lot of bad mouth. It is like a routine.

There are no stresses but there are sure lots of tensions among colleagues. I cannot stand it. It is different when you are so used to working in a white-collar environment. I have to do many adjustments. I must try to blend in and get along with the ways thing are here. It is about how they talk, joke and work. I must admit it is totally a different atmostphere. I did not feel the difference when I was here as a part timer. I feel it now as a full fledge employee. I suppose working here full time makes me see the inside of the warehouse up close and personal. I guess it is the same everywhere. If there are no stresses then there must be tensions somewhere and vice versa. We cannot have our cake and eat it.

I got into some trouble a few times since I joined full time. It was not my fault neither was it my mistakes. There were tensions and frictions between my leader and I. I felt terrible and angry. It left me quiet for a few days at work. I did not talk to my colleagues unless it is necessary. One thing I knew I wanted to do after that was to disrespect my leader. I knew how she handles things and how professional she is. I talked less nowadays at work and just do what I have been instructed to do. My focus is to save money for the stall. I know I could haave done better elsewhere but I chose to stay here and I will complete my agenda. When the time comes, I will leave with my head held high that I am becoming my own boss once again. Things got better after that as I gave her my silence treatment. I did not react negatively however I just do my own thing ignoring how obvious she showed her temper infront of my eyes. Trolleys got smashed hard against the fence and I simply did not take into account of it.

She is low and I am not bringing myself to her level. Period.       

Good Will Hunting (What do you really want)

What do you want to do?

Rob Thomas - Someday Lyrics

You want something. Go get it. Period.

Miley Cyrus - I Hope You Find It [HQ + Lyrics]

Kris Allen - The Vision Of Love

Someone told me to listen and understand this song...

Michael Jackson - Hold My Hand Duet ft. Akon

AYAH DAN IBU with lyrik SUDIRMAN

Sayang Ayah dan Emak......

How I Feel On First Day of Ramadan

Dear Diary,

It is the first day of Ramadan today and I am already dreaming of drinking a can of chilled coke. I started the day with 'sahur' and then I slept some more for a few hours. I did my laundry and house cleaning. I changed my bed sheet and did another round of laundry. It was a sweaty day to begin with and I could only think of a can of chilled coca cola. Yes, it was a test and my imagination started to get wild. 

While I was doing my laundry, I noticed there were a few drops of water coming from the apartment upstairs. The water drops seemed to come from a hand washed clothes that was not so well dried. It is different when you use the washer to spin dry the clothes. The clothes are damp but there will not be a drop of water coming from them after hang. I knew this could be the case of hand washed clothes. As I watched the window, the droplets became more and fast. I brought in my clothes and noticed that there were a few patches of water on them. 

I tried to look out of the window but the sun was glaring and I decided to check from downstairs. I was a bit irritated as it is simply inconsiderate for people to do this. I had not showered and my hair looked like I had ridden on a motorcycle without a helmet at 150 km/h. I combed my hair to make it look neat, washed my face and brush my teeth. I went downstairs and looked at where it was coming from. It was from the tenth floor. I took the lift and pressed number 10. In my mind, I was wondering who it could be as this kind of thing had long been uncommon. People have become civic minded and considerate nowadays. There are many campaigns organised by the government to combat issues like this.

When I was young, I remember how the lifts and staircases in flats are usually vandalised with graffiti and human's urine. I recall how my mother used to have the same problem of water dripping onto our freshly washed clothes hang outside the kitchen's window because some neighbours living above us did not have the common sense to even think of simple physics like that. It really does not take a genius to figure that. Singaporeans dry their clothes like that. The government provided us with bamboo poles's holes outside the kitchen window so we can insert the bamboo there. We air and sun dry our clothes like that. Every Singaporean knows that and repeatedly we are aware not to throw any rubbish outside the window or hang the not so dry clothes if they are going to drip water. So who could this be?

Perhaps it must be some foreigners living here, as there has been mass influx of them. I got to the house and the outside of the house looks neat and tidy. Even tidier than mine. Shoes are placed on shoe racks but there were not many of them. I had the impression that this house could have a tidy, well-mannered civic-minded people living in them. I did not see any doorbell so I knocked on the door. No one answered. I knocked again harder. Still, no one answered. I knew someone must be inside otherwise the clothes would not be outside hanging. I did not show any signs of leaving. I was very adamant to educate these people. I saw the peephole and I looked at it. I could tell that its occupants peeped at the hole but simply did not want to answer the door. I knocked again even harder. It was a good 3 minutes until a young man with pimples on his face opened the door. The door made a cracking sound and I could tell that the house is clean. He just opened the door a little. 

Now I did not want to start at the wrong foot so I had to ask him politely as I could be wrong that this was the house responsible. 

"Hi, do you have a purple cloth or something hangs outside your window?" I asked.

"Hang on, let me check..." He immediately closed the door and perhaps went to the kitchen to check. He must have thought that I dropped my purple cloth from my window and it was stuck in his I figured.

I waited for quite some time and I begin to wonder if this man is going to open the door back or not. He did and he said it was just a purple blanket of his.

"Is it dripping water?" I asked not trying to sound accusing but just wanted to give him the reason why I was there. 

"I live a few stories under your apartment and I think it is dripping water onto my clothes. Can you remove it please?" I sounded polite but firm. Upon hearing that I immediately saw, the expression in his face to say that he just realised his mistakes. He apologised to me and promised to remove it. I thanked him and walked away, while walking, he managed to let out a small shout of apology to me. I looked back and smile. That was not so bad I thought to myself. 

When I got home, there was no more water dripping. I took out my laundry once again to dry and I feel good that it all turned out well. You see the thing about living in a society is that, we sometimes forget what our actions can do to others. Unless we live in the world alone, it is up to us what we do, as our actions have no consequences upon others. I suppose that is why the idea of living alone always fascinates me, no one to bug me and I have all the space and privacy in the world to myself. 

Mother and I are still not talking and I am ready for anything come what may. I feel a little left out especially during 'buka' at the dining table. Everybody talk about everything except me. Well, what do I have to talk about Diary? I have nothing to share except my failures. They do not even know that I ended myself in a warehouse trying to make a living. I earn so little that I cannot even buy myself toiletries. I would say that if the family were a fruit, it would be an orange, a circle of sections, held together but separable - each segment distinct. At that point, of time, I wish I were back in Subang Jaya living alone all by myself. I miss living there very much. No one would understand how I feel. I supposed some things are better left unspoken.

Chasing It While Stumbling Upon Family Relationship

Dear Diary,

It is Thursday and I have one more day before the fasting month begins. Ramadan starts on Saturday and that means there will be no more water breaks for me while working. I am not quite sure how it is going to feel like working in the warehouse without any water but I think I can manage. I have done other more challenging jobs before during Ramadan and to compare that with the warehouse, it is nothing. It can get very thirsty in the warehouse, as it is not air-conditioned. You tend to feel dehydrated and heaty. I have not felt that yet because my job is to scan. I have my own station and I do not have to walk much unlike the pickers. Even though my job only requires me to stand all day, it still can make me feel very thirsty. 

I had lunch with Mouse deer today instead of my usual lunch friend whom I call Aunty. Aunty wanted to have McDonalds but I did not feel the same. McDonalds is farther than the canteen and I do not want to walk that far. Besides, she went with two other of my colleagues who I am not comfortable. I would describe them as the louder people in the warehouse. I do not want to be awkward during my free time at work. 

I suppose it is a blessing that Ramadan is around the corner as I am low in cash. At least I can save whatever I have now until my next pay check. This job is stress free however, it does not allow me to spend luxuriously, and in fact, it does not allow me to buy all my toiletries. I must watch what I am spending and that includes buying a cheap ice cream which costs less than a dollar than a chocolate éclair which is a dollar fifty. I have to think twice before spending and I have set a certain amount of money for lunch, which I cannot overspend. That is how I live my life now. I have to admit I have no stress at work nowadays but the money issues are getting a bit of a bother. 

I have not been taking dinner at home because I am somewhat awkward, as mother and I are still not talking. It has been a week now. I do not know how and where to begin. I guess she is feeling awkward too but I know both of us have the word EGO stamped on our forehead. I am very sorry about the situation and I am regretting it a bit at how I handled things. I do not mean to be rude or ungrateful but it is simply awkward you know. I hope you know how I feel. I am not very expressive physically and I wanted so much for things to be as normal between mother and I. My tongue is tied to apologise and I am the kind of person who likes to let nature takes its course. It is not easy and I do not like it at all. 

I always believe that children who do not live under the same roof with their parents would have a better relationship with their parents. Distance apart makes them have less communications and meetings. Less meetings and communications lead to fewer tensions among family members as families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts. If I were given a chance to be apart, I would do it again. I love my family and they are always in my prayers but I do not want to feel useless and guilty of situations. It makes me feel lousy. One thing I realise about family quarells is they are bitter things.  They do not go by any rules.  They are not like aches or wounds; they are more like splits in the skin that will not heal because there is not enough material. Oh never mind Diary...I know one day I will talk to mother again. I just hope she knows I did not mean to be rude to her and I love her more than I love myself. She must know that!

I have started to make plans for what I am going to do after my contract ends with the warehouse. I am going to do it on my own Diary. I have told myself to stop depending on people for hope. People can only get excited for a while and their excitement will vanish in thin air as soon as I stop talking to them about the business plans. It is my dream and only mine alone. I cannot make them believe in my dream. I cannot make them feel like how I feel about it. It is going to be a long way but if I just focus, I know I will get there with or without them. I have decided to take control of my dream from this moment on. Whatever I have read about business helps me a lot to get through this phase again. While saving for it, I learn from whatever I can. I read, I listen and I watch from movies, books and documentaries. It makes me a little better equip in terms of theories. From the practical aspects, I have gotten them from my four-year stay in Subang Jaya. 

Things happen for reasons and we all know that God does not test us more than we can handle. I guess it is normal for me to be facing this. I still have moral support from people I am with. I would not be so bold and adamant on wanting to start this if it had not been for my experience back in Subang Jaya. I have realised that now. If I make it there, I hope that would put a smile on my mother's face. I love her so much although I get annoyed with her principles sometimes. I know I have not been a good child to her but I hope when I pray, God will listen to my prayers for her and dad. 

The Day When The Giraffe Made an Outburst

Dear Diary,

My day has been fine except for a shock I had while scanning the items. Remember Giraffe I told you about? She works near my scanning station and she made an outburst just now which shocked and puzzled everyone else especially Mouse deer and I. Giraffe was teaching a new staff to scan and apparently, this Tortoise is slow in learning and he does not pay attention during the on the job training. Giraffe is a naturally impatient person (I thought I am impatient but wait until you meet Giraffe).

Tortoise is learning how to scan for three days continuously and unwillingly, Giraffe is his trainer. After the many mistakes and lack of interest Tortoise shows Giraffe, she could not handle it anymore and yelled at Tortoise at the top of her lungs. I was stunned. I did not turn around to look because I do not want to create any attention. I continued with my scanning and gave Mouse deer an eye signal not to look. It was unexpected. I told you how the people in the warehouse behave. They are so much bolder and loud than the colleagues I had in the banks I worked. I supposed I have so much adjusting to do.

After the team leader took over the situation, I spoke a few words of empathy to Tortoise. He seemed to handle it well. He seemed unaffected and I thought it was cool. It is probably because he is a man I supposed. I started to imagine if I were in his shoes, what I would do. I probably will stay quiet and merely apologies for the mistakes but I will never respect Giraffe as a good trainer perhaps. I have been working there for a full two weeks now and all I can say about her is she practices favouritism.

She chooses people she wants to be close. She practices double standard. She becomes nasty with people she does not favour, to name a few; Mouse deer, Blurry and the latest 1 to the addition is Tortoise. I see through her and I definitely do not want to get too comfortable with her. She is friendly and nice to me but I know it is merely because I portray myself as someone independent. I am quick to learn and I do my job carefully trying to make as little or zero mistakes.

I always work together with Mouse deer and she seems comfortable with me. I am the scanner and she is the packer. I have never lost my patience with her neither has my temper tick while working with her. Mouse deer’s personality may be as straight as a perfect ruler may and she may come from a special education school but she has good work ethics and that is something I respect about her. Just about today, I found out that her grandfather passed away last night and yet she is present at work today. When I asked why she did not take the day off, she told me it would be a waste, as she would lose a day's salary, which resulted in less salary. I supposed she has this typical Chinese attitude about work and money. I used to have that kind of mentality when I was in the bank. One day of absence affects my total volume of sales and I swear to God I had a full perfect attendance throughout my contract.

When I had my business in Kuala Lumpur, my attendance was perfect too for the first six months of running the business. In one of the books, I read business owners should go to the field and learn as much about their business as possible rather than leaving it to the staffs to run it. Start the business from scratch and participate in everything about the business at the early stage and as the business progresses, keep participating.

Mouse deer has begun to open up to me. She is chattier with me now and I think she has gotten comfortable with me. We work well together even the team leader agrees and occasionally Giraffe would come to our station and tried to intimidate her just for the fun of it. I guess Giraffe merely wants to be playful but deep down inside I disrespect her for that. She seems to be bullying and picking the weaker staffs and I do not like it. Why can't she just leave them alone? Giraffe tries a couple of times to ask me to join her for lunch but I politely decline.

The Manager has offered me a full time position in the warehouse last week. I asked him for a week to think about it. I appreciate it but I am not interested. It is the monetary rewards. The full timers here work five days a week from eight to six in the afternoon. However, they have to commit to overtime everyday of the week and that includes Saturdays. They bring home two or three hundreds more than a thousand dollars net. To compare that with what I earn in the banks, it is just a fraction. I like the job because it is stress free. I can adapt to the atmosphere but I certainly cannot settle with that kind of money.

I am in a tight spot. With the news recently, I know I am certainly in need of a full time job but I need to save for the stall. I have to do it myself and I have stopped myself from hoping to get the loan approved. It is taxing and it has caused me a lot of disappointments and perhaps some misunderstandings. I do not know how to explain to you. All these while, I have been hoping and waiting. It is not easy, as I have to be dependent on people. I cannot do it on my own so I feel helpless to a certain extend. I do not have the papers under my name. It is on somebody else's name and that makes it even more difficult for me to be aggressive in the loan applications. I have decided to try to make it happen my way and that means I have to wait again and longer this time.

I can always go back to the bank but I know I cannot handle the stress. I am so, so worn out that I want to call it quit. However, it is just my mind playing with my heart. I want to be by myself for some time now. Take care Diary. *hugs*

I Still Have Something To Be Proud Of

Dear Diary,

Work is good today. Since I have been working here, I have notice that I have not been stressed over anything. I take things as they are and I live on a day to day basis. I take things at a time and I do not get work up over things at work because there is nothing that I have to worry about at work. It sure feels like a teenager again during my school vacation where I worked part time. The money is not a big deal. I can hardly survive but I have enough to pay my bills and my car. I cannot live luxuriously. Working like this makes me watch how I spend my money as I do not have the liberty to spend unnecessarily anymore. 

Mom and I are still not talking and that makes it feel awkward to be at home. I try to stay late at work for as much as I could everyday but ironically I can't. Time and again I try to be patient with things at home especially with mom. I know she is watching and observing me. I guess she somewhat knows that I have quit from the bank and have landed myself in some odd job because of how I wear to work nowadays. I do not give a damn anymore. I am tired of having people to tell me what and who I am. I am also sick of people reminding me of all my failures. It is okay Diary. I have lived with my failures for 35 years and I am still hanging on. I know some people will only judge you based on your failures alone. Frankly, I do not give a fuck anymore. 

I have given up trying to impress and please mom. I do not try hard anymore because I know I do not have to. I have been reading lots of books, mostly business books on successful business people around the world. The owner of starbucks Howard Schultz had to try 225 times convincing people to invest in his ideas of a chained coffee shop. He never gave up until he became successful. I do not know how long do I have to try. I guess I will keep on trying until I die. Yes, it is not easy and I am simply reading those books to keep motivating myself. 

I am not sure when do I get to make my parents proud of me but I guess I have to stop myself from trying because the more I try the more I struggle. The television in my room is finally broken and that leaves me with only my ipad and books to keep me entertained. I have to buy a new television but money does not come easy anymore. I can wait but it sure can be bored without the television. 

Hello Kitty and I have discussed about what we are going to do if our loan application get rejected again. We came up with Plan B and that makes me drift away a little from my dreams. I am a little angry at things but I do not know how to express myself not even in writing. There are so many regrets that I have in myself. I have made many wrong decisions. I could have easily started my business here if only I had known what I wanted to do when I came back here but I overlooked myself. 

I watched The Pursuit of Happyness on youtube the other night and it kept me awake until one in the morning. Chris Gardner is a millionaire now. Looking at his journey, he is surely one hell of a survivor. I do not have his sheer desire to succeed but I know I am unemployable nowadays because all I want now is to be my own boss. I cannot stay put in one job. I cannot be contented with the kind of job I have. I cannot keep my job. Period. 

Diary, at times I wonder if Hello Kitty would give up on me. She seems to be living the perfect life now. She has a job that she can make a career out of it. She is paid handsomely and her bosses acknowledge her work. I am happy for her while I look at myself in the mirror and all I can afford to do is grin. Well, I know deep down inside her she is studying me but she is so careful with her words and attitude with me that I hardly notice it. But how long can a person be careful with things? You can say wrong things in a conversation and one thing can lead to another. But then again misunderstanding can happen and it takes an explanation to make you understand. 

Just about two days ago we were talking about people in our lives and I cannot help but to compare myself with them. I have always thought that I have nothing but to compare myself with them, at least I can say I am better off than them. I am in between jobs let alone a career. How much I got, whenever I can I try to share it with my parents and I guess that makes what I earn blessed. Someone told me before that it is not important of what I make, it is the leftovers that matter and what I do with the leftovers. 

I may not have a career or a business yet and I do not earn a four figure salary anymore nowadays but I can still keep my car and share that little piece of wealth I have with my family no matter what they think of me and how much failures I have in my little black book. I am going to make it there. I know I will and I must make it there. I promise you.

My Bad Cold Sunday

Dear Diary,

It is a Sunday and ironically, I have to be up by six to send mom to work. She is in the morning shift. I scrambled out of bed when I heard knocks on my door. I had a quick shower and got ready as fast as I could, as I knew mom would not like to be late for work. She is like that and everybody knows that. If you are late fetching or sending her, she could give you a sermon about that and at that point of time I sure feel like shoving up a cucumber into her mouth for that matter. It annoys me as I find her too much at times. She can never compromise on anything and that makes me even more disengage from her.   I guess I have somewhat got exhausted of her personalities. 

Dad and I went to Johor Bahru after that. We had breakfast there and did what other Singaporeans do when they are in JB; we pumped petrol into the car. Dad brought me to this car wash and I immediately fell in love with its concept. Nothing very outrageous about this carwash but it has facilities that could attract many customers. It has a café where patrons can sit for coffee or tea and even for light meals. The café serves drinks as well as food. It has wireless internet service and it has a small provision shop inside the café. I like the carwash and I knew, this would be the kind of carwash I would run if I have the opportunity to open one in Kuala Lumpur

We came home at half past ten and I took a nap. I was dead beat and I kind of got unhappy that I couldn’t spend my weekend being lazy at home. Somewhere deep inside I knew I would snap at anything soon. I woke up at noon and started to do my laundry. I needed to wash my socks. You know Diary, I have to wear safety boots at work and I need many pairs of socks. Some of them in the warehouse do not change their socks and everytime they change their shoes, the unpleasant smell of smelly feet and socks invades the air. That smell reminds me of my schooling days. I try to change my socks everyday because I know I would be just like one of them who have smelly feet if I do not. 

The thing about working in the warehouse, people are rowdy and rough. Eventually, you have to be one too to survive. I start work at eight and I have noticed the difference in the crowds. Most of them are blue collar workers. They rush for the train like there is no tomorrow. They talk loudly on the trains to each other. It is different working in the banks. The crowds are civilised a little and I speak good English with them. In the warehouse, I speak a mixture of broken English and street Malay. They are mostly Malaysians so they can speak Malay, which I always find a good thing. 

I fetched mom at half past two in the afternoon and then we went for lunch. I thought I could head straight back home after lunch but no, my parents wanted to go to the beach. They did not want to go home. This is my parents. They like to go places and I swear it can be demanding at times because they may be financially independent but they are dependent when they want to go places. There is a feeling of regret I have in me. I thought mom would be independent once she would have her license but no. It is just the same. I brought them to Sembawang Beach and we sat there for a while. I bought ice cream for them and we walked to the beach.   

The beach was undergoing some upgrading works and many parts of the beach were blocked thus there were not many places to hang out. We finally settled at one part of the beach. Mom brought her novels and she did her reading. Dad sat and admired the beach while I sat dreaming of becoming my own boss. There were a couple of stray cats. They might have survived from the leftover of food from the nearby restaurants I thought. The cats look clean even though thay are stray. We spent about an hour and a half at the beach and then went home. 

While at home, I was preparing myself to fetch my brother from the bus terminal. I was already feeling a little unhappy about my weekend. To make things worst mom knocked on my door. I opened the door and she asked what time do I want to leave to fetch brother. Do you remember Diary in the earlier part of this entry I told you that I might snap at little silly things soon, yes, that was it. I was upset as I have to spend my weekend like any other working days waking up early from bed. I have to fetch this person, and then send that person and then fetch that person again and send that person againand as if those were not enough, I have to go here and there because other people want to go to places. I was angry. I was like a bull waiting to charge at anybody who come in my way. 

When mom asked me that, I answered her firmly. There was a strong resentment in my voice and she told me off immediately telling me that she still rules the house and holds the crown of the fiercest woman in the house. I threw my ipad on my bed to show her my dissatisfaction. Since then, she and I are not talking to each other. So there goes my weekend.

The Brother Whose Priority Is His Hobbies

Dear diary,


I woke up at six today, took my shower and sent my brother to the bus terminal. He is going to Port Dickson for a triathlon race. In case I have not told you, my brother is an avid triathlete now. He has been running, swimming and cycling since two years ago. He has not got sick of it instead I have. Since his involvement in the sports he has been coming home late and spending most of his free time with that. He showed very little interest with what is going on at home. During the midst of moving to our new home, he simply did not care about packing the stuffs. I had to do it most of the time. At that time, I just came back from my four years stay in Kuala Lumpur and had not really decided what to do next. Time was definitely on my side and he took it for granted.


I kinda got upset with everything. He totally left almost everything to me. I had to find the movers, I had to find the buyers, I had to find the new home, I had to pack, I had to think of solutions to get cash for the upfront payment of the new home and I had to unpack once we have moved in. As if those are not enough, I had to organise the stuffs at the new home. Of course mom and dad helped me with some other matters but really Diary, they are old and I am the youngest among them. I am supposed to be the energetic one.


The carrying, loading and unpacking of the boxes were mostly done by me. I was totally exhausted and I honestly think that I have drained almost all of my energy including the reserved ones. I got sick for a week. I came down with fever, cough, flu and sore throat. All four in one and I got three days medical leave. I was angry but I kept the anger to myself. Unlike the old house, this new house solely belongs to my brother and I am living in the new house out of his goodwill. Otherwise, I really have nowhere to live. Now you know how desperate I am to start my own business so I can financially stabilised myself here. I must Diary because anything can happen in the future. I had it planned but I have not got the opportunity to execute it.


My brother is not a bad person. He is a brother with brain and compassion but he can be oblivious to his surroundings. I have seen the difference in him since his engagement in the sports; he prioritise his hobbies more and that is very upsetting. Mom often reminded him and voices out her dissatisfaction to me, but I chose to simply listen to her. I did not want to add fuel to the fire because I know, she would be more than willing to take to heart my bad attitude than my brother's. I had given up being vocal about things at home. I take a different approach nowadays. I prefer to remain silent and keep things to myself. Perhaps I simply have had enough of giving in or maybe I am just feeling like that without any basis because I know how sensitive I can be.


I still hope that I can achieve my dreams someday somehow. No matter how long it takes, I know I will if there is still hope in my heart or just a glimpse of hope. I do not know for sure when it will finally materialised but the hope that I have shall aid me through the days I have left to live.

What I have Become

Dear diary,

I went to Mustafa Centre with my family tonight. Mum text me and said she is not cooking. I knew we were going out for dinner and I knew it would be more than just dinner. We had curry fish head and I had an onion and egg prata. Dad and mom had nasi beriyani each. I did not want to have rice, as it was somewhat late. Dinner was good and after that, we headed straight to Mustafa Centre. Mom wanted to do grocery shopping and I wanted to tell her how much I hate to do grocery shopping there. I would only go to Mustafa Centre if I want to buy electronic, perfumes or watches but never would I go there on my own to buy groceries. The place is simply crowded not with locals but with foreigners, mostly Indians from India. It is a big place and it has extended its wings. Mustafa centre has everything from kitchen utensils to gold bracelet and rings. You name it you got it. 

The grocery department of Mustafa Centre is where irritates me the most. People walk with trolleys and baskets and believe me it can drive you up the walls. The aisles are narrow and there are just so many things in that place. At every corner, you can find things put on display. The width of the aisle is only about 1.5 meters some aisle are even smaller. Therefore, you can imagine what it is like to walk with your trolleys or baskets into a crowd in that place. I do not understand why mom likes to do her grocery shopping there so much. It is simply madness and time wasting. 

It is difficult to browse for your groceries because when you do so, you might be hogging or holding up the crowd. You have to have lots of patience in that place and not to mention plenty of free time. You cannot be in a hurry or a rush otherwise you will become late simply trying to shop. The cashiers are at an ungodly section of every floor. If you are so used to the other hypermarkets like Giant, Carrefour, Tesco, Cold Storage and Jusco, you will find that Mustafa Centre is so disorganised, messy and disoriented. It is like there was not any proper planning for everything. It is no wonder why it was forced to close for a period of time as it has been found by the authorities that it did not meet the standard safety criteria. One of it was the emergency exits are mostly blocked. The situations improved after that and people simply keep coming back as they find shopping there is perhaps exciting and fun. I find it like that too but not at the grocery sections of that place.

Mom did the finding of stuffs while I stood at a corner to wait for her with the trolley. I got tired of standing and I began to lose my patience with my surroundings especially mom. There I was involuntarily wasting my time accompanying my mom at the most inconvenient supermarket. I was sleepy and tired from the day’s work. I had been standing all day and I felt stupid having to stand like that when I could be sleeping in my bed or I could be writing to you at the comfort of my home. 

Just when my temper is building up, mom came and we paid for the groceries. I was tired but I did not show mom any signs of it. I knew she has her reasons for doing it. I simply have to tolerate but I do not have a high tolerance level. Mom knows that. I take after her a lot so she should know. She must know because we have practically been living under the same roof for 35 years. 

She probably knows I have all her traits. I am the younger version of her. She passed down her fiery and hostile temper. She blessed me with her sense of impatience. She completes me with her stubbornness. I grew up watching her. I am she. Many times Hello Kitty has reminded me of that and I quietly resent it. I do not like that, as I know how unpleasant it can be to watch my mom lose her temper at trivial silly things that is not even worth that temper. I felt sickened to know that I am slowly becoming her. 

I Am A Kind Scanner

Dear Diary,

Work is good today and I am getting along fine with the surroundings and atmosphere. I was given a bigger responsibility but I think I can handle it. The responsibility is to be a scanner for the products to be packed away for deliveries. I have to make sure that every item to be delivered is scanned correctly into the system and the correct boxes are used. 

It looks difficult on the surface but it is easy once you get the hang of it. I was partnered with Mouse deer and it was good until a senior staff snapped at her for asking questions too many times. I felt sorry for her because I knew she only wanted to be sure, of what she was supposed to do. You see Diary; Mouse deer is from a special school. Now when I say special it means, she is from a school of the less 'smart' children. Her IQ level is below the standard most people have. Thus, she has difficulty understanding instructions unless you explain those instructions to her as if she is a five year old. 

I am new to scanning therefore; I need a packer who knows what kind of boxes for each product. Mouse deer could not help me with that although she has been a packer for a month. Because of that, a senior staff snapped at her for asking questions she was supposed to know the answers. I pretended not to hear anything when it happened but really, Diary, I felt sorry for her. I guess she was merely a victim of an impatient staff who expects her to be a fast learner. Perhaps that staff should have put herself in Mouse deer’s shoes before setting her expectations. 

I tried to be helpful to Mouse deer but I can only do so much as I am still very new to the job. I supposed however hot tempered I am, there is still some sense of patience in me. I tried to talk to Mouse deer not to take the incident to heart. I told her that it will happen anywhere and to simply take it easy. She understood me but I can see that she was afraid of that staff. Well Diary, to someone timid like Mouse deer, anything can be scary. She does not know how to talk back and all she does is to apologies repeatedly which can be quite annoying at times. I perfectly understand the situation. 

Anyway, how are you Diary? I have missed you and I want to talk some more but I am sleepy and tired. I am writing to tell you that you have not been forgotten and I have always thought about you when I am alone. You have been my diary and you will always be regardless how often I write to you. I love you Diary, please take care.

I Am A Labourer Now

Dear Diary,

The job hunting has stopped. I have gotten myself a temporary job that pays peanut but I am happy doing it. It is cheap labour but as long as it keeps me happy coming to work, I shall stay to complete the contract. I did not need to go for any interviews for this job. I just needed to agree to work as a hard labourer and the job is mine. It is a three months contract and yes, this is a holiday job. Work starts at eight in the morning and ends at whenever.

The people in the new workplace are friendly. There are many temporary staffs as well and most of them are way much younger than I am. I did not feel uncomfortable though because the environment here is simply simple. I come to work and wait for instructions. I do as per instructed and then I go home. When I got home, I do not need to think about work neither do I have to dream about work. It is a carefree holiday job that does not give me any pressure at all.

I wear jeans, t-shirt and sneakers to work. Ocassionally I would wear slippers. I do not join the crowd with proper office wear anymore instead I join the blue collar crowd nowadays. It is the nature of my new job that makes me relax I guess. I do not need to iron my office wear clothes anymore instead I grab any of my old scruffy levis jeans and any t-shirt to go along with it. If I am too lazy to wear my sneakers, I would just slip onto my slippers. I do not do my hair neither do I put on some make up to work because I will get sweaty and dirty therefore there is absolutely no need to look pretty.

On my first day, I was taught how to fold some of the boxes used to pack the products. On my second day, I was taught how to pack the products into the boxes and on my third day, I was taught how to scan the products before packing them into the boxes. It is a fun job suitable for people like me. I have gotten sick of having a desk bound job. I have got fed up with a job in the air conditioned office that promise me nothing but unhappiness. I am tired of the rat race Diary and I ended myself in a warehouse. *grins* Now what do you have to say to that?

The warehouse is not an air conditioned warehouse but there are many wall fans that can blow your wig off your head if you are wearing one. It is a good thing that I wear my hair short. It can be very irritating having such powerfull fans blowing your hair all over your head while you are trying to get some work done. I am attached to Giraffe. She is a mother of three and is a full time permanent staff of that logistic company. She has a very playful character which makes me feel comfortable working with her. I have fun at work.

At times, I chuckle to myself watching Giraffe works because she has this funny characteristic that only makes you want to be playful with her. Everybody thought I was Chinese on my first day. I even had people talking to me in Mandarin. It was the usual stuffs for me. I knew I had it coming. I have been getting a lot of that since I was young. Anyway, I like this job because I do not have to write any report neither do I have to achieve any sales target. It is just me and the boxes. There are a couple of things that I have to learn but it is not as difficult as doing sales for banks.

The job is very physical demanding less of my brain power. It is a simple job that gives me some peace before I decide what do I do with my life. We are still submitting the loans application. I had been hopeful and I am still hopeful that at least one or two out of the many applications we will be sending are successful. There is still a silent strong desire in me to be my own boss, once again.

Few Little Stories

Hello Diary,

I am good today. I felt rejuvenated and calm. I had two appointments today in the morning and that helped to kill the time in the morning. I finished at 1130, had my lunch in town and I went straight home. Life was easy today since I did not have to idle much outside. The house was empty when I got home. Mother is working in the afternoon shift and that really suit my schedule. You see...I had resigned from that job, remember the most boring job ever?  I could not take it anymore. That job was full of nonsense. I just did not feel I belong there. 

I tendered on June 1 and Mr. Tortoise let me go immediately. I was not a confirmed staff so he could give me an early release. I took his offer without having second thoughts and now, I am just back, to what I am good. I have decided I do not want any permanent job. Therefore, I am on the lookout for any temporary job and most likely, I will know my place tomorrow. I guess I just have to wait. Both the interviews today went well. Not much of dramas or lying as I answered them accordingly. 

The loan is still pending. We need to wait for another one or two more months before we can make a fresh application. I am waiting and I think Hello Kitty is waiting too, patiently. I suppose she is the most patient of the two of us. I am not complaining I am simply doing what I have to do waiting. I have taught myself to be relaxed. I guess being out of that boring job did me some good, as I no longer feel pressured to achieve anything. There are many things about that job that makes it so lame. It is simply not worth talking about.

I am in my last year of being a youth Diary. In addition, I am still trying to decide what I want to do as a career. I may still look like a lost child but I know what I want, it is just that time is not on my side yet. I have told myself many times about that. I bought myself a new phone. Well, I did not exactly buy one. I renewed my contract for another two years with the telephone operator I am with and I have to choose between iPhone 4 and Samsung S2 free. At first, I opted for iPhone but the colour I had wanted was out of stock and the salesgirl suggested Samsung S2 to me. She said it is more user friendly than iPhone and many of her colleagues had switched from iPhone to S2. I took her advice and I never looked back since. 

On the first night of using S2, I was somewhat awkward. Everything seemed different and I have not understood what was so great about this android phone. It has claimed many praises and some reviewers even said that it could be the best phone on earth. Well, I gave myself 3 days and I could not agree more with them. This android phone is simply amazing and it has more features than an iPhone. I can do more with it. It is interactive and it really lives by its name smart phone, while iPhone is simply an iPhone. Oh well, enough said Diary. This phone is a birthday gift to me and I love every bit of it.

I surrendered myself to Allah this evening. After shower, I took my wudhu and prayed. It has been a long time. I do not want to get too lost Diary. I know somehow I have to get back to Him. I have been reading a lot of motivational stories and quotes. I suppose I have something that I can still be proud of, determination. It is okay that even at this age, I am still struggling to make a living but that is only because I am too stubborn to submit myself to being an employee permanently. I want to be my own boss. I do not want to have people bossing me around. How long will I take to be there? Well, beats me but I had been one before and I am sure I can do it again, can't I?

Sedikit Dari Apa Aku Rasa

Hello Diary, 

Apa khabar kau di sana? Sudah terasa lama sekali aku tidak menulis. Jadual harian tidaklah begitu sibuk tapi masih tidak ada masa untuk menulis. Hari hari yang aku lalui seperti biasa. Hanya menunggu masa for that something to happen. Sementara menunggu, aku masih lagi mengharap dengan penuh yakin bahawa suatu hari akan terjadi juga perkara yang sangat aku ingini sekali. Pernah aku terasa seperti mahu menyerah kalah tetapi sebagai manusia, masih ada sedikit perasaan untuk tidak berputus asa. Lumrah hidup...bila gagal atau lama sangat menunggu, pasti akan terasa seperti putus harapan atau hilang segala semangat yang ada.  

 Aku masih berusaha walaupun usaha aku tidaklah begitu effective tapi hanya itu yang mampu aku lakukan. Kadang kala, teringin sekali meminta dari ibu bapaku tetapi siapalah diri ini. Aku tidak pernah membanggakan mereka apatah lagi menyenangkan mereka. Sudah tak terkira berapa kali kegagalan aku. Buat itu tak menjadi buat ini tak menjadi. Apa sahaja yang boleh aku buat yang akan menjadi. Kalau diukur kajayaan aku...mungkin hanya seberapa baris sahaja di muka surat pertama. Tidak perlu muka surat kedua untuk mencatit kejayaan aku.  Tetapi...despite all that, aku tahu aku masih ada cita cita, harapan, semangat dan mungkin juga segelintir teman teman yang percaya aku akan sampai juga di destinasi aku. 

Ya Tuhan...sungguh tidak senang untuk diri aku mengharungi jalan ini. Mungkin senang pada yang lain tapi bukan untuk aku sebab aku adalah seorang dreamer yang mudah hilang focus. Aku tahu apakah yang ada di dada aku tapi aku hanya manusia yang perlukan sokongan moral. Ini bukan self pity tetapi hanya kenyataan yang jujur.  Sudah berapa hari aku menghabiskan masa membaca tentang fakta fakta untuk project aku. Ada juga aku berkongsi dengan ibuku tetapi hanya kritikan demi kritikan yang dilemparkan kepadaku. Aku hanya berdiam seribu bahasa dan pada masa itu juga aku tahu, walau macam mana susah atau lambat pun aku mesti berdiri di atas kaki sendiri. Aku tidak marah, cuma terkilan tetapi siapa yang punya angkara kalau bukan diri aku sendiri? Kegagalan aku lebih banyak dari kejayaan aku, jadi janganlah berkecil hati jikalau dilayan sebegitu oleh seorang insan yang paling aku harapkan untuk memberi sokongan moral kepadaku.  

Diary, di dalam hati aku ada seperti satu perasaan yang sudah sekian lama aku pendamkan. Perasaan itu seperti melonjak lonjak tidak sabar untuk break free, kau paham maksud aku? Tapi masih belum boleh aku lepaskan perasaan itu. Banyak sekali perkara perkara yang membuat aku memendam perasaan aku dengan keluarga aku. Ia bukanlah dendam tapi satu perasaan yang susah untuk aku luahkan. Mungkin boleh, tapi mungkin juga itu hanya perasaan aku sendiri. Engkau pun tahu betapa sensitive hati aku ini. Mungkin juga perasaan yang aku ada hanyalah mainan hati dan emosi.

 Diary...ketahuilah engkau, aku menulis bukan untuk meminta atau menagih simpati. Ini hanya sedikit luahan yang perlu aku keluarkan daripada berbuku di dalam hati. Semua orang tahu kalau perasaan yang tidak sihat dibiarkan membesar di dalam hati, ia boleh menjadi suatu penyakit. Tidak pernah aku meminta mereka percaya kepadaku tetapi jauh di sudut hati, ingin sekali aku mendengar kata kata perangsang untuk aku membekalkan diri meneruskan perjalanan ini kerana aku tahu aku perlukan itu untuk membakar sedikit semangat yang telah tinggal di dalam diri ini. Semoga aku tabah, jiwa aku kuat dan minda aku sihat apabila sampai di sana kelak.

I Will Give Up If It Is Time

Dear Diary,

I am writing to you to let you know that I am on a verge of giving up. I have become so tired of things. My mood is not so good today and I know I need a break from things. Nothing that I had planned had worked out except to job hop. Come to think of it I really do not know what has gotten into me. It is not about love anymore. It has become so complex that I can never imagine. I am not sure if I still know what love is all about. 

Trust is life. I have heard that somewhere in a movie. Yeah, it was in Goodwill Hunting. The main ingredient to a successful relationship is trust. I suppose I have gotten sick and tired of attempting to be trustworthy in a relationship. I have become worn out of making an effort and explaining. There is a big ball of anger in my heart right now that I believe will explode anytime soon. I feel like shouting out so loud that even God cannot hear. I feel like smashing hundreds of watermelon with a baseball bat. I have never done it but I know doing it, will make me feel delightful. It gives me a good sense of satisfaction and a steady outflow of all the anger I have inside me. Watching the watermelon smashed into pieces that are just impossible to put back together will help to put my anger at ease.  

Diary, one thing I have learnt from everything I have gone through is to stop having hope. I hope everyday for my dreams to come true. Everybody said it was not easy but nobody said that it was going to be this difficult either. When someone gives you hope you start to wonder and ponder. Everything you do revolves around that glimpse of hope you have and you start to question yourself. I do not want to be indebted but at the same time, I want it so bad. I do not want to be misunderstood but I have become so tired of making it happen on my own. I have lost Diary. I know I have a choice.

I know I am not girlfriend material. I do not live in a cave where having friends and acquaintances are remotely impossible. I have my needs and I have my desires but I am only human that can only take so much of nonsense. Who is the bad guy here Diary? It has always been me. People judge me before they even knew me. It is sad, I know. It has got to a point where nothing really matters anymore, not even my dreams. At the end of the day, I believe it all boils down to myself. I have a choice to put a stop to this. What is love if you keep feeling lousy about yourself thinking about it? 

I have noticed that people pay too much attention to other people's fault that they overlook their own. They talk too much about themselves that in the end will only contradict themselves. I supposed we simply have to take a good look in the mirror and then we will know. It does not take a genius to figure that one. All the assumptions, we know that they are termites of relationships. However much we know it, we still assume very easily. And that is the saddest part of all because in jealousy there is more self-love than love and assumption is the great exaggerator.