Do Our Best And Leave The Rest To Allah

Dear Diary,

The letter from Land Transport and Authority of Singapore has arrived and I am required to collect my commercial license soonest not exceeding one month from the receipt date of the letter. I am happy and I have to start shopping for dashboard camera. I know I need one to install this in the car. I am driving for a living and I suppose I need the camera to safeguard myself from any discrepancies.

I need to do lots of things. I need to rearrange my timetable like what time should I wake up and what time should I drive for Uber. I do other things too you know. I got to make time to read the chart for Forex and also set aside time for E-Commerce. Oh God, I feel like there is not enough time for me in a day now. I will be in Singapore and I will be in Tangkak. My time will be divided into two countries and those times will be subdivided into Uber, Forex, E-Commerce, and Hiking. Honestly, I am not sure if I can afford to do all of them. I guess I must have regular hours for work and play; make each day both useful and pleasant, and prove that I understand the worth of time by employing it well. Then my youth will be delightful, old age will bring few regrets, and life will become a beautiful success. Insha Allah.

Perhaps it is true after all about the saying that says “Life starts at 40” because I really feel that my life has just begun. Spiritually, I am learning to read the Muqaddam and hope to be able to read the Quran in Arabic. I am a happy unemployed woman who tries to make income from three sources. I am still active in hiking. I travel to where I want to. I am getting a new house I will call home soon. The car loan in Malaysia ends in two months time and I think I am most likely to get a new car soon in Singapore and also perhaps in Malaysia. I am actually thinking of Toyota Fortuner but let’s talk about that another time, shall we?

My love life is beautiful with Nur Kasih around. I talk to her every day. I share my stories with her, in fact, I share everything with her. She is like my real life diary nowadays. We tease each other playfully on the phone and we often do video call. I let her watch my daily activities and I watch her do her work sometimes. It sure is an exhilarating tonic for the soul to take a moment to appreciate the simple, good things in life which are so bountiful. 

I notice she is cheerful with her colleagues. She is always laughing and approachable with them. Her personality makes people become comfortable with her. I supposed these are her characteristics that make me fell for her 17 years ago. That was a long time ago Diary. After we broke up, she hardly crossed my mind. Probably because I was angry with her but I am not anymore. I even forgot what really happened actually. But I remember we were still on good terms after the break-up. We just became lost in touch until that day I saw her in Putrajaya.

Today, she let me listen to her chatting with her children when she fetched them from school. I kept quiet and listened to them. I imagine the scene and I picture her with her children. She is soft and so motherly towards her children without compromising discipline. I smile while listening to them talking away on their way home. I suppose there are many things that have changed about her and I guess that is what makes her attractive. It was a good 45 minutes spent with her. We did not talk to each other but we felt each other with our song playing in the background with her children singing along. It makes me feel loved and contented that I am having her back in my life as who she wants to be. I am happy and felt so blessed. She and I, we have an uncertain future so to speak. But that does not bother me. I have learned to live my life in the present because of he who seeks to know the future is out of harmony with the present. I believe the future is an opaque mirror.  Anyone who tries to look into it sees nothing but the dim outlines of an old and worried face. Right now, at this very moment, I am happy and that suffices. 

I will collect my license tomorrow as I will have to go to Tangkak on Wednesday. My hike is on Friday to Sunday and I will have to fetch the rest who carpool with me on Thursday night. My bag is packed but I still need to add a few more items. I am keeping my pack as light as possible. I have learnt my lesson from CUS and I am not going to let history repeat itself. I have not missed my daily workout yet. I have done all things possible for this trip and I hope I will make it through smoothly without any injuries. I am leaving the rest to Allah about this trip and also about Nur Kasih. May the force be with us, may love keeps us strong and may trust holds us together till death do us part.

PS: Baru tetapi lama...masih tetap sama...engkau dan aku dan mungkin, mungkin juga dia, siapa tahu? 

So Busy

Dear Diary,

I am busy, so busy. I have started my e-commerce project and I am rushing to finish my store soonest. I have just finished Mengaji and I am progressing but slowly. Nur Kasih is tired from housework and I wish I could just be there to assist her. Things are ok on my side but things are always looking tired on her side. It is a pity I cannot be much of help to her. I can only give her moral support from a distance.

Diary, I got to go. I will write again tomorrow. 

My Nur Kasih Is Sick And Strong

Dear Diary,

I do not know how to begin. When Nur Kasih came back into my life, some parts of our conversation gave me the hint that she is sick. I had asked her once about it but she brushed it off like it was nothing serious. Being me, I pushed her for an answer. She did not give in to me. I gave in, being me again. That is the thing about me when I am with her. It never changed. I was like that 15 years ago and I am still like that now. I thought I could change and have it my way but not with this woman. She may seem soft and tame but she has a heart of steel and fierce as a lioness.

We video called on Whassap yesterday afternoon and I was my usual playful self with her. I danced cheekily for her to watch and I looked at her on the phone. I thought to myself, this is the woman I fell in love with 15 years ago. We broke up for reasons I wish to keep private but it was surely not what I had asked for. I was with several women after that and I was head over heels with one of them until Nur Kasih came. In an instant she makes me forget about my past love stories. It is her I am sure but I was also determined to look into the future and disregard all my sad love stories. So I have to say Nur Kasih plays a major part.

When I looked at her, I long to feel her tender touch and I yearn for her motherly love. Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart. This love is real I know because she makes me forget my pain and heartaches. She makes me forget the woman I thought I was once so in love with. No other women could do it except her. If I had a single flower for every time I think of her, I could walk forever in my garden. I was totally myself when I was with her and I still am. She looked at me from where she was smiling and giggling at my silliness. I showed her my room and even showed her where I keep my underwears and both of us laughed. She has this laughter that I love hearing. Her voice is sweet and when she laughs, it gives me the urge to want more of it. I want her attention and I want to give her mine.

Finally, she showed me a picture of her toenail. There was a black vertical stripe on the nail. I did not understand the message behind the picture. I simply thought it was just another picture of her. And then, she asked me to search what is Melanoma Nail. I did and my heart almost stopped beating. For a second, my thoughts were racing through my mind. Melanoma is a type of cancer that begins in melanocytes (cells that make the pigment melanin). Cutaneous melanoma is the most aggressive form of skin cancer. When it has spread (metastatic cutaneous melanoma), the prognosis is very poor.

I stopped everything that I was doing and continued reading about it. My heart felt heavy. I closed my eyes and I thought of her and I thought of her love that fills this empty heart of mine. I covered my face with my palms. I did not expect this. I felt so sad that only God could understand. I started to imagine things I did not want to happen. My brother died of cancer and how could I not think of death. I do not want this. This news is too shocking for me. If only I could be there for her and give her a tight hug. If only I could take all of her pain away if only I could hold her in my arms and make her feel the warmth of my love.  

Nur Kasih did not want to elaborate even after much pestering from me. I wanted to seek the truth from her. I needed to. I felt the need to know. She did not let me. I prayed hard for her. I cried to Allah begging him to cure her. I supposed Allah is the only one that can help. He hears and He listens. There must be reasons why she came back into my life. I knew it all along and I am ready for this. Come what may, my love, we will go through this together. You and me, with all the strengths we have, with every beat of our heart, every day without end, we will fight this. We will find a way, my love. You have reached out for me when I felt the sun came crashing down on me so I will stand by you because right now, you are the place I call home.    

PS: Percaya yang Faj sayang Ein….sayang sekali.          

Feeling Worry To Hike

Dear Diary,

I left my bank security tokens at home in Tangkak and I really do not feel comfortable about it. I need my tokens to do online transactions and I do online transactions a lot. I had reminded myself to put the tokens in my bag but I did not do it straight away. I let it pass when it crossed my mind and this is what happened. So, lesson learned always do immediately the things that crossed your mind and do not wait.

I will be in Tangkak again next week on Wednesday because I will be hiking that weekend. It seems to me that I hike every month or twice a month since I quit my job. It will be a 3 days 2 nights trip. I know only one of them from the group. I hiked with him once and we did not talk but he was friendly and always smiling at me. The thing I like about him is he was polite. Polite and courteous people always impress me. I suppose looks are secondary, what is important is manners.

I have packed my bag for the trip. I only need to double check on certain things. I am quite afraid about this trip because this mountain is not popular and when it is not popular, not many people climb it. This results in the tracks being covered by wild trees. I have heard that the tracks are graded as tough. I think most of the participants are strong. I am not sure if I can keep up with them. I am a little worried actually. I have not done difficult terrain in a while. I have been hiking regularly and I workout daily for 35 minutes but I am not sure if that suffices. I hope I will be fine. I am doing more on core workout. I do wall squats for 60 seconds at 5 repetitions daily. I think I need to do it twice a day, one in the morning and one in the evening.

I am afraid because I have hit rock bottom before when I hiked Chamah and Ulu Sepat. I was so unprepared and I underestimated the terrain. Furthermore, I had bad blisters on both feet. It was terrible and that was the first time I felt that I hated hiking so much. I spent 6 days in the jungle with 12 other teammates. I was all alone and I knew I was the weakest of all. It was probably because of the injury and also the discouraging words by my guide. Somehow I felt he disliked me and he said things that could break my spirit. I knew what he meant but I did not let it affect me. I knew I was alone and I only had to depend on myself. There was no turning back. We started at point A and we ended at point B so there was no way of turning back. The journey had to continue.

I persevered. I carried on. I only thought of my mother at that time. If I could just stand this pain for 6 days I could finish this trip. I kept telling myself that. I knew I was the weakest. It did not matter. I simply had to finish the journey with dignity and I did.

I supposed this time would be different. My spirit is a little higher than before. I know I have Nur Kasih to worry about me and I know she will be the booster for my endurance. I think of her and I feel happy. The thoughts of her lifted up my excitement. I know I will still survive no matter how hard it is.

PS: Faj saying Ein 

I Made It Finally

Dear Diary,

I write to tell you that I have created history today. I prayed Fajr and for the first time in my life I recited Doa Qunut. I have memorised it but I still put the Doa which Nad had printed for me in A4 size paper right infront of my sejadah. I put it there just in case I forgot. And it proved useful because I forgot a few lines but I successfully did it. I am so proud of myself. 

I shared this news with Nur Kasih, Nad and Sarah. I was excited like a child who has just gotten candies. I have done a few pages of Muqaddam. I think I still need to put in some work to memorise the characters. Jawi is not like the alphabets. Jawi is an art. It is calligraphy. The characters will change when it becomes cursive. You simply need to recognise each character vividly before and after cursive.

I need to put in more efforts. I got to go. Take care Diary.  

Love Actually

Dear Diary,

I woke up from my unplanned nap when my phone rang. I picked it up and saw her number. It feels a little bit strange that my phone keeps ringing nowadays because it hardly does before. I did not have a girlfriend for five years. I did not have any close friends that I chill with and out of the blue, things change. I have been constantly chatting with her on Whassap and she always calls me on the phone. I have to get used to all this. She brings music to my ever so quiet life and I am beginning to feel like I was in my twenties all over again.

We fell in love when I was 25. She was 23. And she is making me feel like 25 years old all over again. This time, communication is easy. No need for international calling card to hear her voice. Wassap and its technology that come with it suffice. We have a choice to video call, voice call, voice message and text. Somehow, I feel loved all over again. She is always the caring one. She is even more caring nowadays.

I am happy that I have someone who wishes me goodnight, I am glad I have someone who wished me good morning and I am grateful that I have someone who loves me unconditionally. She accepted me in a split second. It was like, no need for time to think, take my hand and I will love you. I knew it then, whatever it is if there is somebody calling me home, she would be the one. There was no need for me to get down on my knees to ask for her hand. Like I said, there was no official declaration. It just happened and we have mutual understanding about it. She gives me many positive vibes about love. When love calls, you answer it. There is no need to think or wait cos love already exists. Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end. 

I let her in into my world once again. I let myself fell in love with her all over again. This feeling that I am feeling toward her, I know this feeling, it is love without boundaries. No matter her situations and mine, there is still love in the air. It is madness and I know it is love.

PS: Faj sayang ein 

The New Woman

Dear Diary,

I have been back from hiking for two weeks but I have not written to you. I had things to do. I am sorry Diary. And guess what? There is a woman in my life now. I am not sure if I can call her my girlfriend because we have not officially declared anything yet. We are connected spiritually, you get what I mean? We had been together before and that was about 17 years ago. She simply made a comeback in my life. I did not even expect this to happen. It is true that things happen for reasons we do not foresee. I was by myself trying to fix things in my life after many series of rejections and then she appeared out of nowhere. She had been there all along but I just did not see it. There I was falling in and out of love with other women and then she came and made me forget about all the miseries and heartbreaks I have had.

I got so many stories to tell you. I promise I will find the time ok. I am back in Singapore now and things have never been busy like this. I am on a roll Diary. I am happy and I am loving her. 

A Little Bit About My Old Self

Dear Diary,

I am fasting today. It is a habit I developed since a few years ago. I always make it a point to fast on Monday and Thursday whenever I can. I know I have to fast more days to qada all the days I did not fast in Ramadan during my younger days. I am also aware that I have to pay the Fidyah which I have not. I got to set aside some money to do so. 

I have not been a good Muslim when I was young. I skipped fasting during Ramadan and ate in front of the crowd in school. I did that on purpose because I was surrounded by friends of different faiths and races. I did not have Malay friends when I was in secondary school. My good friends were all non-Malays and that made me wild.

I ate pork, I drank and I did not really bother if what I ate was halal or not. It just did not occur to me the significance of it. I ate what I wanted and drank what I desired. I went to clubs and joined a secret society. I was a gangster. Telling you this story makes me laugh because I know the gangsters in Singapore are nothing compared to the gangsters in Malaysia. Gangster taik kucing, yeah, that was me. I am laughing so hard now I almost fell out of my chair.

I got to go Diary. I need to break my fast. I am going hiking tomorrow and have to leave mum alone at home until Monday. I am praying silently to keep mum safe at home until I come back. 

My New Story Books

Dear Diary,

Look at what my mum bought me. She bought them 3 days ago and I have been reading the muqaddam ever since. I am also recognising the characters. I cut out little pieces of papers and I wrote the characters on each of them and I test myself to read the characters. I need to memorise them first. I feel like I am a little kid all over again learning how to read the ABC.

The truth is, I should have learnt Jawi the same time as ABC but that did not happen because we live in a world where most Muslims think ABC is more important and superior than Aliff Ba Tha. It is ironic but now, I have realised the importance to be Jawi literate and I am working on it to improve myself as a Muslim. I suppose that is what matters most right? Always be learning and never stop improving yourself.

I am looking at myself one year from today and I am pretty sure I will be good at reading Jawi if I just be discipline enough to keep learning and practice daily. I want to read the Quran. I want to do it for myself, my parents, my brothers and Allah. Please wish me all the best Diary and hope that I will not stop learning. Oh yes...Doa Qunut is almost done. I am asking Nad to print for me 2 copies of it so I can hang it on the wall to check my recital once I start praying Subuh with Doa Qunut. I am excited!

My Exercise Mat and Jump Rope

Dear Diary,

I have been looking for this ever since I started skipping at home. Thank God I found it at the DIY store in Muar and guess what they have jump rope as well and it is way much cheaper than I bought the first time.

The exercise mat cost Rm35 and the jump rope costs only Rm5.90. The existing jump rope cost me Rm20! Can you believe it? Geeezz...I could have bought 4 with Rm20 at the DIY store. I think I need to buy another one of the exercise mats once I got my own house. Nowadays, I always got to have two of everything. One is for the house in Singapore and the other one is for the house in Tangkak.

Carbo Load for The Hike

Dear Diary,

I ate so much rice today. So much that I could not believe it myself. It was for breakfast and I always have weaknesses for mum’s fried rice. It was tasty and good and I knew I have to load myself with carbohydrate. I have not eaten rice for 3 weeks and I suppose loading it today will help to give me the energy to hike. I got to bring lots of water and I have to drink 1 big bottle of 100+ today. This is my practice before every hike. I am doing this to avoid getting any cramps during hiking.

I have done some research about getting cramps while hiking and there are two possibilities that I could remember. Salt depletion and inadequate of carbohydrate consumption are the two significant cause of cramps. I need to go out to get some stuff for the hike. I am so sleepy, so sleepy I feel I can fall asleep right here right now. I have been going to bed so late since I am in Tangkak. I need to sleep more. Friday night will definitely be a sleepless night for me. I have to drive from Tangkak to Bangi to collect the sandwiches my ex-girlfriend made for me. And then I will have to go to Kelana Jaya to fetch the rest of my friends who carpool with me. I will have to drive to the starting point of the mountain, settle down and then start the hike. I am not sure if I would still have the energy to hike. I must ensure I get enough of everything before I go for the hike. Enough salt, enough carbohydrate, and enough sleep.

You might be wondering about the sandwiches. Ein is my eight girlfriend, I think. I cannot remember anymore but my relationship with her lasted 14 months. I was in my early twenties. So she offered to make me egg sandwiches for my hike and I accepted her offer. I have not seen her for a long time. The last time I saw her was in Putrajaya when I was manning my drink stall. Apparently, she works there and she was surprised to see me. I was surprised to see her too but both of us did not think it was us so we did not talk to each other. She kept looking at me when she went to her seat to sit and I knew it then that it was really her. I waved at her and smiled and she smiled too. She came to my stall and we chatted. That was years ago when I was living there. Right now, 6 years have passed and I only see her on facebook. She has three children now and I can tell she gets prettier as she aged. If she had not done what she did to me, I am sure I would still be with her. oh well, anyway that is one dinosaur story.

I got to go Diary. I need to sleep.   

It is All About Actions

Dear Diary,

Eversince I came up with the idea of daily routine, I always strive to do something productive everyday.  It has been a month and a half and if I do not do anything productive, I will feel awkward and uneasy. The things I must do daily are praying on time, 30 minutes workout, housework, read, write, mengaji, memorizing any Doa which I want to and work such as Uber, Forex, and E-commerce. That is how I challenge myself. I fill up my time with things that produce the result for my own betterment.

 I need to be productive and positive. I always make sure I am feeling good the minute I wake up from sleep. What and how you feel every morning determines your mood for the rest of the day. I know I must always be feeling enthusiastic and excited about things. When that happens, I realize I can make magic out of it. I cannot deny there were times when I felt lazy to workout but I thought to myself, what is it that makes me feel lazy? It is just a 30 minutes workout. It will be over before I even know it. It really takes a lot of discipline to feel good and look good. Do it, and then you will feel motivated to do it, I did and it is true.

I am back at Forex again and my analysis for the past two days, have been accurate. I read the charts and I made my own judgments without outside influence. Usually, I do not read any other person’s opinion on forex because forex is a very subjective matter. You simply cannot apply the monkey-see-monkey-do principle if you want to do forex. You simply can’t. Forex needs more of your attention than just copying other people’s trade plan. It is not something where you can ask people to trade for you simply because you think you have the money to trade or perhaps you are being lazy to learn. Some people are like that. They want to improve their lives and boost their income but they refuse to learn and go through the hardships of learning and expect things to be easy. We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.

I have come across people like that plenty of times. Those who want to be financially strong but not willing to explore opportunities and those who want to lose weight but do not want to go on a diet and exercise. I only have one word for them; Lazy with a capital “L”. All they do is grumble and complain. The power is in their hands but they expect the power to activate on its own. How sad is that? People must realize that the first requirement in taking a step in the right direction is to take a step in some direction. Knowledge does not equate success, actions do.

I am going hiking again this weekend Diary. It will be two mountains in Gerik Perak. Gunung Kenderung and Gunung Kerunai. We call them K2. It sounds like the most dangerous mountain in the world but it is not. This is K2 of Malaysia instead of K2 of Pakistan and China. Since I have completed the seven highest mountains in Peninsular Malaysia or better known as G7, I think I am going to focus more on Trans Mountains in Malaysia and go hiking in Indonesia, Philippines, Nepal and other countries. I guess I will never stop hiking until the day I die because in every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.

I got to go already. I need to memorize line 11 of Doa Qunut. 

Learning The Muqaddam Brings Back Memories

Dear Diary,

I learned how to read the muqaddam tonight. After Isya, mum taught me how to read it. I stopped at page 4. I started with the very basic ones. I need to work out a system where I can make myself recognize the character more easily. Just now brought back the memories I have learned 32 years ago. While I was learning, it brought me to the olden days when my brother was still alive and I learned how to read with him. He was not a fast learner so he was always left behind. One must be very patient and understanding to teach him. Among the siblings, he was the slowest academically but he certainly had the heart of gold. I could not compete with him on that. My brother had the purest heart. I feel very sympathetic towards him. Sometimes, I would help him with his school work. To the outside world we all grow old, but not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family grieves and joys. We live outside the touch of time. While many can share their childhood memories and grown-up dreams with their brothers, I cannot. I can only reminisce.  

There was a time when we learned the muqaddam, he would ask me when he could not recognize some of the characters. Mum was very strict. Both of us would be scolded if we read the characters wrong. My brother often got scolded, pinched and caned. He cried sometimes and all I could do was watched and hoped that I would do better than him so I could escape the agony and miseries. Honestly, I did not like the way my mum taught us last time. It made us even more scared to learn and how we both hated the sessions very much. I supposed in the olden days, parents are strict with their children. I have heard from my aunt how my late grandfather was so strict that she hid under the bed just to escape from getting caned for forgetting the characters in the muqaddam.

I am not sure if it was good news but we did not last long with mum. She was busy with work and we simply stopped learning from her. I was happy, really I was. I was sure my brother was happy too as he did not have to endure the pain of getting pinched and scolded anymore. I never blamed mother. I understood her. We were all afraid of my mum. In her strictness, it was all for the sake of discipline. She may have made us so afraid of her but she was never abusive. Guess who got her temper? I do. I knew exactly where I got my temper from. My temper is fiery but controlled, unlike mum. Since I stopped learning from my mum, there were certain periods of my life where my parents enrolled me in religious classes but that was it. So you see Diary, I had the fundamentals but it is simply a matter of inconsistency. I did not practice and so I had forgotten. Do you know that my mother had finished reading the Quran for the 10^th time already? She is good at it. She recognizes the characters and she can read steadfastly. I have a mother who is a steady Quran reader but look at me. Well, what can I say? Mum bought me the muqaddam and iqra yesterday from the bookshop. I supposed she wants to redeem what she was supposed to do years ago. I love my mother unconditionally. If she does not teach me the muqaddam, I would still love her regardless.  

I actually miss my brother. I was holding back my tears when I was reading the muqaddam while my mum was watching me. I did not want her to see me cry. I felt it out of a sudden. It just happened you know. I mean, I was doing the thing which I used to do with my late brother when we were young. The memories came and I felt a little overwhelmed. I have not talked about him for a long time because I know whenever I talk about him, I would cry.  You know that there’s no other love like the love for a brother and there’s no other love like the love from a brother.

It has been 12 years but the sadness still lingers. I supposed we stop talking about the sad things in our lives to avoid being sad all over again.  I stop talking about some people just so I could move on with my life and that includes my brother. It is not that I have forgotten about the people who have come into my life, but it is to safeguard myself from feeling the miseries all over again of losing my loved ones. So I stopped talking about them like as if I do not have any memories of them. That’s just it. I supposed everybody would do the same. I miss you, my brother. If only I could tell you how the nights grow cold without you and the world is filled with the anguish of my loneliness and the stars join me in sorrow while I long without wearying to hold you once more in my arms, to tell you of my lame jokes, to embrace you, to tell you I love you every day and to let you know how much I have been missing you since you died.   

Loving All Positivities

Dear Diary,

The search for a hotel in Bali proved that searching for accommodation for your aged parents is a tall order. Most of the hotels do not have lifts and not all serve halal breakfast. Bali consists of mostly Hindus, therefore, this explains why. I have canceled about 3 hotels already. My priority is a room on ground floor or hotels which upper floors are accessible by lifts. I spent the whole day scanning the website. I read reviews, I looked at the pictures, I looked at the satellite maps of the locations and I booked the hotels. After booking, I sent an email to confirm if they serve halal breakfast and rooms on ground floor. That is how detailed I have to be when looking for accommodation when I travel with my parents.

I have to finish this task by today as tomorrow starts my quest to finish my e-commerce store. I need to launch it soon. Weekdays are the time when I want to focus on Forex, E-commerce, and Uber. Weekends will be my rest and relax time. I have been following my schedule closely. The workout is an everyday thing nowadays. I start my day with Subuh and then 30 minutes workout. Housework will depend on situations. Most of the time, mum has already done the laundry and cooking. I will vacuum and mop the house. I will fold the laundry and send them to respective rooms.

I really want to do more but I cannot seem to be ahead of mum with the laundry. She wakes up earlier than I do and the laundry department of the house belongs to her. I let it be because I know it is pointless to challenge her. I have told you before I cannot work together with mum. We simply can’t. When two strong-headed persons get together, you will get some sort of natural disasters in the house. Mum always gives in to me because she knows how stubborn and fiery my temper can be. There are times when I gave in to her. I have learned simply how to agree to disagree silently. It is not a big deal, really. The chores still get done only that it is not done my way. Task completed, that is objective and as long as things are completed without hurting each other’s feelings, I think I can live with that.  

So while we are here in Tangkak, I am doing the same only that it is more taxing here. The house is bigger and we have indoor and outdoor space in the house, so big means tired. I am lucky mum did not think of building a double story bungalow when she decided to build this house otherwise I would have considered cleaning this house as my daily workout routine.

I am moving on to line 10 of Doa Qunut Diary. I am slow to memorize because I know I have not made enough effort. I have not been focusing more on Doa Qunut but I am still progressing. I think I will be good by this week and I can pray Subuh reciting Doa Qunut by Friday the latest, Insha Allah. Oh, my God, I cannot believe when the day comes. I will probably be the happiest woman on earth being able to recite Doa Qunut. To some, it may not be a great accomplishment but trust me, when you are jawi illiterate and knows only some surahs that you can count with your fingers, being able to do something like this is truly an amazing thing.

I believe I am blessed Diary. I am doing all the positive things nowadays. I improve my prayer, I checked with friends about the correct habits and practices when we pray, I watch youtube videos from recognised Ustaz and Ustazah, I memorise Doa Qunut, I workout daily to improve my health and fitness, I look for ways to diversify my income and I teach myself to be grateful for the simplest things that happen in my life. I complain less and I stop feeling sorry for myself when things do not go my way. I stay away from negative people and I only give attention to people who bring positivity into my life. I notice my mood has improved and I will carry on like this. The power of “I am”.

Oh Diary, while I am writing to you, mum told me to learn how to read the muqadam from her. I am really blessed! I love my parents so much. Thank you, Allah for the wonderful family you gave me.  As I slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point my way. May the sunshine, all day long, everything goes right, and nothing wrong. May those I love bring love back to me, and may all the wishes I wish to come true!

My Pledge To My Dad

Dear Diary,

I am in Tangkak since two days ago and I finally find the time to write to you. How are you Diary? I hope you are in the pink of health and happy with what is going on in your life. I am all fine here with many things to do to keep myself busy and distracted. I have scheduled my hiking trips monthly. My daily schedule continues as usual. I am still at line 9 of Doa Qunut. I have not moved on yet as I am still trying hard to remember the last 3 lines fondly. Today, I am going to recite all the 9 lines at once repeatedly to see how I have progressed.

On my way to Tangkak on the bus, I recited the Doa constantly and I knew I am just an inch away to moving on to line 10. It is just that I want to make sure I am not confused. Friends have told me to write it down and paste it on my wall where I pray so I can read it while praying. That will boost my quest to memorise it. I know I need to do it, but my printer is out of order and I need to get it print somewhere else, which I have not get it done yet. And now that I am in Tangkak, I really have no idea where to do it.

I sent an email to the hotel which I am going to put up at in Bali. Apparently, the family bungalow which I have booked is located on the second floor of the hotel. The rooms on the ground floor are all the standard rooms. You know I will be bringing my parents so this is a big no-no to dad. Dad is getting weak day by day. His legs are not like before anymore. He cannot walk for long and staircase is not his best friend.

Sometimes, I feel like dad is simply lazy to improve his health and well being. He does not exercise and his free sugar intake per day is plenty. I am angry and disappointed. But what can I do? He is 70 years old and people get weaker as they age. I am not sure how would I fare when I get to 70 years old, I do not even know if I can get to live that long. I have learnt how to accept things. I realised that my daddy is the only man I love and I am sure he would give his arms and legs for my happiness and for my safety. I would do the same for him. The thing about family disasters is that you never have to wait long before the next one puts the previous one into perspective.

I have decided to change to a hotel which is convenient for both my parents. The first priority is to be on the ground floor. I want to make it easy for dad. I also need to request for wheelchair service at the airport. I saw how difficult it was for dad when we came back from Sabah. The distance from the aerobridge to the passport counters was so far. We had to stop many times just so dad could rest a bit before continuing to walk. I had to admit that I was losing my patience with him but I still managed to keep my calm. It is not that I could not understand his situation but like I said earlier, he is overweight, he does not exercise and his free sugar intake daily is plenty. So tell me something which I do not know that makes a man unhealthy and weak at that age? I came to the realization that there is no cure for laziness but a large family helps or in my case a small one and in time of test, family is best.

I have gone for health talks and coaching. People live up till the age of 80 on the average and women live longer than men. And the doctor said that men will be at his weakest and sickest age during the last 10 years of his life. Dad is probably going through that phase of his life and I must understand him. If I want to bring him for holidays, then I must be sincerely willing to provide him with all the necessities and conveniences. I cannot complain nor can I get upset with him. I must make him comfortable as this could be his last holiday.

I have watched him took care of my late brother. I have seen how he showered my brother every morning before he went to work. I saw him cleaned my brother whenever my brother peed or pooed. Dad would wipe the mess my brother did without complaint. He was an angel Diary. He did not care if he was deadbeat or my brother was too heavy for him to carry. I got to thinking how Mother Nature is wonderful. Children get too old for piggy-back rides just about the same time they get too heavy for them but dad still did it like how every father would. He did all that until the day my brother passed. On the last night before my brother breathed his last breath, dad was so calmed you would not know that this man has just lost his flesh and blood; a son. I believe he was seen like that as a father's love is whole no matter how many times divided. 

I have pledged to myself that I will take care of him. I am buying him a wheelchair soon so it would be easier to bring him around. I have taught myself that if I have to spend the rest of the time while my dad was alive with him in a wheelchair, then I would. I shall not whine about it. I will push him in his wheelchair proudly because I know he would do the same for me and even more. Dad will always be my favourite toy. If I cannot find someone who understands and is willing to let me do this for my family, then I might as well be on my own than having a girlfriend who is fearful of me spending my time with my family. This is all for the reason that I certainly do not need someone who only wants everything for herself and thinks only for herself. Being with a self-centred person is probably more of a headache than being with my parents. Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. Rich or poor, healthy or sick, we will keep together and be happy in one another. I have learnt how to do just that.

Take care Diary, I will write again, soon.